I love my ex-girlfriend, I can't let go...

jigsawpiggy

Hi all,
I just made this account to post on this forum. I just want some help in my life right now.
So my girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me on November 30th 2014 (It was a 4 month relationship) . I suffer heavily from all forms of anxiety, and she was usually the one who I turned to in order to get better. We started having a lot of arguments, and I usually started them. We were both under a lot of pressure and stress from college, so anything usually set us off, well at least me anyway.

At the end of each argument, I would usually end up being wrong (I genuinely was most of the time), and I would just retreat away and start saying awful things about myself, things I didn't mean, usually because I was having an anxiety attack at the time. This meant she usually ended up defending me from myself even when she was angry at me, I only got angry at her once, when she said she wanted to break up, that was the worst anxiety attack I ever had.

And since we both go to colleges in different parts of the country, she would need to deal with everything that was happening by herself. Which I can see now that wasn't fair.

Whenever I had a problem, she was there to listen, always. But It wasn't mutual, I generally had attacks when she was about to open up. It is mutual now. But its too late.

I've started to handle these attacks better, but that's for a different forum. She says she still likes me and doesn't want me out of her life, but I just don't see that from her. I've tried to be just friends with her and I couldn't do it. I love her too much. She is 1 in a million and I will never find anyone like her again.

I've talked to her since, but it's always ended in my getting an attack because I know she's probably going to be gone forever, and the attacks ended up in me lashing out. I'm sick and tired of the attacks happening and I am managing them, but that's for another forum.

What I'm asking is what do I do. I want to show her that I am different to what I was, that I deal with things differently now. She said that she can't risk being put in to that situation again, even when I said it wouldn't be the same situation, it would be a new one. Completely different to what it was.... Help....

porsche boy

Firstly four months isn't a massive amount of time or be with someone but I can see you became reliant on her very quickly. It may be the dependence you saught was too much for her to handle when combined with college etc. If she's still in your life as a friend then work at that, work at being a good friend and being there for her when she needs it. Show her that it's not all about you.

Separately, and I might get a warning for this, I would look toward finding a way to control your anxiety problems. There is plenty of information and contacts available on boards relaying to anxiety and other issues. I think having a handle on that end will make you a more rounded person overall and give you a different outlook on life and how you view and react in situations.

Good luck op

Penny Tration

You must be feeling awful with the anxiety.


I'll be totally honest though - you don't sound mentally ready for any relationship at all.

You were together for 4 months and you admit that you poured your heart out to her and leaned on her when you needed support, but when she came to you for support, your anxiety got the better of you. You both fought too.

I think it'd be extremely unfair on the girl for you to try get her back. She can't be your crutch and you sound very dependent on her.

Have you addressed the anxiety? Spoken to a doctor, come up with a treatment plan?

I ask this because if you cannot say to your ex 'okay, x, y and z have changed, I'm doing a, b and c to manage my condition,' then you can't, as a decent, caring person, subject her to that again.

I really think, no matter how much you care for her, that you need to cut contact and stay out of relationships until you're fully healthy.

Anxiety is a horrible, horrible illness. I have it, and luckily mine is under control with treatment. You can't let her be the one to bear the brunt of it again, though.

jigsawpiggy

I haven't been to a doctor no, but I have started to treat myself, I seen what other people have been doing, what helps them and I've started to do the same. I know it sounds very implausible, that I will fix myself, but when I set my mind to something, I generally accomplish it.

I don't want to repeat what happened with her with anyone else. Its just hard to accept that I have started (albeit slowly) to overcome it, that I know 100% that it won't happen again.

I know its unfair on the girl, I've admitted that to her, to everyone. I just think, that given a 2nd chance it things would be a lot better than they were before. I've hidden my anxiety from a lot of people. But I'm starting to tell people now, and that helps. She wouldn't be my crutch anymore, I have to deal with this myself. I may have sounded dependent on her, but I wasn't dependent on her as much as I said. When she broke up with me, I was getting better. The attacks were coming less regularly.

I just can't accept the fact that I know that it wouldn't be the same.

StormWarrior

Would it not be easier for you to just cut her out of your life altogether? The stress of trying to get her back and trying to keep your anxiety under control to keep her, will just make your anxiety worse.

Penny Tration

Can I ask, and I don't mean to be mean at all - how do you know it won't be the same?

You're not receiving any treatment and it does not sound like you have much of a support network to lean on. You may be doing a little better now that you've told some people, but what happens if you have a bad day? When you have anxiety, rationale and logic go out the window in bad moments. It becomes pretty uncontrollable, so how, if she's around, can you be sure you'll control it? You can't be sure, just like I can't be sure about my own anxiety flare ups.

Even your thinking in these posts isn't very logical. It's about your feelings, how you know it'll be different, how you will control yourself better - have you considered her feelings at all? Can you understand that you'd be asking her to take a massive risk of being hurt again? Have you thought about how unfair it would be to throw this at her while she's trying to study?

You don't seem to have considered her feelings at all, just your own.

I'm really not trying to be harsh or cruel in saying this. But, from personal experience - sure, you MIGHT get better alone, with no medical help (although I have my doubts), but until you're completely in control of your anxiety, you simply cannot be certain that you won't hurt her again. You THINK you won't, and things might be better for a month or two, but it will flare up again and all rational thinking will go out the window. I've been there, and I really upset someone I loved. It's a horrible thing to do.

jigsawpiggy

When I am with people, especially her, it never happens that much. And when it does happen, it is only a fraction of what it is, so it is something I manage very easily. The major anxiety only happens when I am alone. We Skyped a lot, and I got anxious because I felt like I should be with her (physically). When we're together, we were always fine.

I don't understand what you mean by support network, but I have my friends and family to talk to. They're all there for me now. Its only because I was afraid of how they'd see me, I never told them about it before. Some of my friends have been there and understand.

I have considered her feelings a lot. Its all I have been thinking about. Being with her isn't going to fix my anxiety, we both know this. We've been through a lot together in the few months, other things have happened, I helped her with her issues that she was having. She dealt with her recovery better than I am. We've both been through the same experiences.

I completely understand the risk she would be taking again. It's like having fallen in to a frozen lake after the ice has cracked, scrambling out and having to step on that frozen ice again, not knowing whether or not the ice is thick enough this time around. I know that it could flare up again in a few months time, but I am very different to other people, I know it won't. I can do things on my own. I am determined to fix my health, that its not healthy for anyone connected with me.

I know you're not being cruel or harsh, just honest and trying to help (Thank You).

shuffle65

In my humble opinion you really need to seek professional help. Anxiety is very difficult to deal with on your own. Some of the statements you make are very negative, as in 'I will never find anyone like her again'. Never say never! Do yourself a favour, get the help you need, you'll be much happier for it in time. Good luck with it.

Oryx

You don't describe her as a girlfriend, you describe her as a counsellor and emotional crutch. You seemed to use her in order to feel better, at least that's how it reads. I don't think you are ready for a relationship. Not with her, not with anyone. You need to work on your issues or you may end up repeating this pattern again.

And as for your self diagnosis and treatment - I don't agree with that at all. If you treated a broken leg by itself yeah it might heal but it would take a lot longer and probably wouldn't be right afterwards. You need to consider your mental health in the same way. Speak to a counsellor who is trained to help you, not a girlfriend who is way out of her depth.

I'm going to mirror what a lot of other people have said, and tell you you should try to forget about her and move on. It was a 4 month relationship, and you seem to have immediately started using her as a crutch. I can tell you from experience that that's an incredibly difficult thing for a person to deal with.

You're not at fault for having anxiety attacks, but you are at fault for not seeking help. When you had a problem and lashed out at her, you blame the anxiety and then she's stuck not really being able to address the issue with you. When she wanted to open up or talk about herself, you had attacks - again she's stuck just accepting that because she can't fight your anxiety for you or blame you for it. When you've tried to talk to her since, you've gotten attacks, leaving her in the same situation again. When she first tried to break up with you, you got angry at her, blamed it on an attack, and she was stuck having to accept your anger and leaving breaking up for another time.

She is not a mental health professional. When you bring mental health issues into your relationship issues, she can't even have a fight with you. She can't even try to talk it out with you properly because she has no tools for dealing with that sort of issue for someone else. Every time you refuse to get professional help, you're not really accepting that you'll need to deal with it yourself. You're really putting it on yourself AND those around you, and they don't get a choice in whether or not a professional can come into the situation. You've said yourself that it's not an inward anxiety, it's an anxiety that usually ends up in you lashing out. You can't expect a young woman that you've been seeing for less than four months to take that on, with the knowledge that you're refusing to seek the appropriate help, and that you'll probably be looking to her for that help, which she isn't capable of giving you.

She said she still likes you and doesn't want you out of her life. Because she's nice. Because she's willing to try to be friends. NOT because she wants to get back together. If she wanted to get back together, you'd know about it. She said she can't risk getting back with you, and you're saying it'll be a different situation. It wont. If you do love her, trust her. Trust her that she knows her own mind and that she took serious consideration before breaking up with you. Trust her that you're not getting back together.

It's not your fault for how things fell apart. But that's done now. You need to accept that she's gone. You need to seek medical, professional help, so that the next time someone comes into your life, you'll have the necessary skills to deal with conflicts and emotions and all the things that come with a relationship. It wasn't your fault this time, but knowing now that your mental health affects your relationships, it will be your fault for not seeking help if it happens with the next woman you're interested in.

Conor Bourke

jigsawpiggy wrote: »

When I am with people, especially her, it never happens that much. And when it does happen, it is only a fraction of what it is, so it is something I manage very easily. The major anxiety only happens when I am alone. We Skyped a lot, and I got anxious because I felt like I should be with her (physically). When we're together, we were always fine.

I don't understand what you mean by support network, but I have my friends and family to talk to. They're all there for me now. Its only because I was afraid of how they'd see me, I never told them about it before. Some of my friends have been there and understand.

I have considered her feelings a lot. Its all I have been thinking about. Being with her isn't going to fix my anxiety, we both know this. We've been through a lot together in the few months, other things have happened, I helped her with her issues that she was having. She dealt with her recovery better than I am. We've both been through the same experiences.

I completely understand the risk she would be taking again. It's like having fallen in to a frozen lake after the ice has cracked, scrambling out and having to step on that frozen ice again, not knowing whether or not the ice is thick enough this time around. I know that it could flare up again in a few months time, but I am very different to other people, I know it won't. I can do things on my own. I am determined to fix my health, that its not healthy for anyone connected with me.

I know you're not being cruel or harsh, just honest and trying to help (Thank You).

This speaks volumes, it's a very telling statement. You believe that you need her physically by your side in order for everything to be okay. You have to work on your coping mechanisms and you need professional help for that. Copying what others do is not enough. Looking after your health is not a copy-and-paste exercise.

Please take steps to look after yourself and please consider this poor girl's feelings.