what can i say?

siera

hi all, i know this issuue isnt the biggest issue on here but here it is anyway.
a bit of background first, everyone around me is in a happy relationship and ive never felt so lonely. my sister has been loved up with her boyfriend for over 3 years now. i was in a 5 year relationship which ended because we became like brother and sister and no longer fancied each other so i suggested moving on. that was in june 2014.

i am totally in love with a guy i met in may. he works with my friend and i met him once and ever since, we've been messaging regularly. he is not friends with my friend but myself and himself have become friends. we have met up a few times one on one and i fancy him so much. he has met my whole family on different occasions. he tried to kiss me on a night out once in may, but i didnt kiss him as i wasnt ready for it. at that time however he knew i had a boyfriend. ever since, i have not hidden how i feel. but i feel like he leads me on just for an ego boost or something. i used to message him nearly every day and he was quite cold so i felt it best to move on. but whenever i try to move on from him, he sucks me back in with his flirty messages and desires to see me. it's like he's not into it when im messaging him, but as soon as i pull away, he comes on strong. he can be quite an arrogant person at times and is very secretive. nothing has ever happened between us but i definitely think he is attracted to me. the problem is he is constantly on my mind. we met up after christmas for a movie and a drink and it was lovely. he told me he wants me in his life more in 2015. he was again quite flirty throughout the time we hung out and when i answered a call, he told me to put the phone away as i was on a date.
i didnt hear from him after that and i didnt want to be too intense so i waited until new years eve. i sent him a nice message wishing him a happy new year and heard nothing back. i just find it so rude!! am i wrong or is rude for him to not wish me a happy new year or even acknowledge my message...?
is there anything i can say in a message to him now? anything that could make him want to meet me again... thanks

Pomplamousse

He sounds like an absolute headwreck. I'd steer clear if I were you!

IlmoNT4

why do you want to meet up with someone who treats you like this?

Thats a really shocking way to treat someone that you like.... I'm guessing OP that he doesnt like you, hes a messer... I wouldnt answer his calls or texts if this was me....

Penny Tration

He's either deliberately messing you about for the laugh, or he's a headwrecker enjoying the ego boost.

You may like him, but really, what's to like? Someone who ignores you for days on end? Someone who tells you to put your phone away?Someone who only wants you when you back off?

You're worth more and you deserve more. Walk away and delete his number.

siera

loulou2009 wrote: »

why do you want to meet up with someone who treats you like this?

Thats a really shocking way to treat someone that you like.... I'm guessing OP that he doesnt like you

you are right. his words are so lovely and he tells me that he cherishes and adores me. but then his actions tell a different story..
i feel from the way he acts, that he doesnt actualy care about me or genuinely like me. is it possible to get him to like me? the problem is that i am incredibly SHY. i cant even look him in the eye. i wish i had the confidence to be outgoing when we meet up.
i suppose the reason i want to meet him is due to my loneliness and boredom. he fills me with excitement and i feel great when im meeting him. when he hugs me, i get butterflies in my stomach and its the first time ive this way in years and years!!!

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

He's either deliberately messing you about for the laugh, or he's a headwrecker enjoying the ego boost.

You may like him, but really, what's to like? Someone who ignores you for days on end? Someone who tells you to put your phone away?Someone who only wants you when you back off?

i know that im lacking a lot of confidence and i am a pretty girl so its not related to my looks. i just feel like i dont have much to say for myself. i feel like im not an interesting person and maybe im boring to be around.


the sad part is that i explained to him that he has to be nicer and stop being ignorant and he seemed to really agree with me and listen to me, yet he continues to be rude. i dont understand why he couldnt just acknowledge my message..
is there anything at all i can say to make him feel bad for ignoring my new years message... i really feel annoyed about it. i feel upset how he can disrespect me when ive been nothing but good to him...

Penny Tration

siera wrote: »

you are right. his words are so lovely and he tells me that he cherishes and adores me. but then his actions tell a different story..
i feel from the way he acts, that he doesnt actualy care about me or genuinely like me. is it possible to get him to like me? the problem is that i am incredibly SHY. i cant even look him in the eye. i wish i had the confidence to be outgoing when we meet up.
i suppose the reason i want to meet him is due to my loneliness and boredom. he fills me with excitement and i feel great when im meeting him. when he hugs me, i get butterflies in my stomach and its the first time ive this way in years and years!!!




i know that im lacking a lot of confidence and i am a pretty girl so its not related to my looks. i just feel like i dont have much to say for myself. i feel like im not an interesting person and maybe im boring to be around.


the sad part is that i explained to him that he has to be nicer and stop being ignorant and he seemed to really agree with me and listen to me, yet he continues to be rude. i dont understand why he couldnt just acknowledge my message..
is there anything at all i can say to make him feel bad for ignoring my new years message... i really feel annoyed about it. i feel upset how he can disrespect me when ive been nothing but good to him...

I think trying to make him feel bad would be a bad idea. Firstly, it's really passive aggressive, and you're better than that, don't stoop to his level!

Mainly though - it won't work. He'll probably apologise and continue treating you like dirt, or he'll just be nasty in response. Either way, you will be the one left hurt.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is block him on social media, and delete his number.

siera

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

I think trying to make him feel bad would be a bad idea. Firstly, it's really passive aggressive, and you're better than that, don't stoop to his level!

Mainly though - it won't work. He'll probably apologise and continue treating you like dirt, or he'll just be nasty in response. Either way, you will be the one left hurt.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is block him on social media, and delete his number.

thank you. you're so kind. some people are so mean. i do go through phases of thinking he is not a nice person and then he has a lovely side that blinds me. like he is a very good listener.
i just wish i never introduced him to my mother because she adores him and shes always asking me about him. i think she thinks its only a matter of time until we get together
i know it sounds sad but id just love to kiss him once.

could i send a message letting him know how i feel. something like "i definitely have feelings for you and love hanging out with you but you just treat me like dirt at times. i really dont understand it. i sent a heartfelt new years message and u didnt even have the decency to acknowledge it. im worth more than that"

Penny Tration

siera wrote: »

thank you. you're so kind. some people are so mean. i do go through phases of thinking he is not a nice person and then he has a lovely side that blinds me. like he is a very good listener.
i just wish i never introduced him to my mother because she adores him and shes always asking me about him. i think she thinks its only a matter of time until we get together
i know it sounds sad but id just love to kiss him once.

could i send a message letting him know how i feel. something like "i definitely have feelings for you and love hanging out with you but you just treat me like dirt at times. i really dont understand it. i sent a heartfelt new years message and u didnt even have the decency to acknowledge it. im worth more than that"

Just remember - your mam doesn't know him the way you do. I'm sure she'd be so hurt for you, and very angry at him, if she knew how he was treating you.

If you really want to send him a message, go for it.

Before you do though, ask yourself this, and answer yourself honestly - are you sending it to tell him to fcuk off? Or are you sending it because you're hoping and wishing it will make him see sense and want a relationship?

If you genuinely want to send it purely to get rid of him, go right ahead. If it's because you miss him and care about him, don't. He's been controlling it all with his actions. YOU are the one with the control now, if you just block him with no explanation. Sure, it will hurt, and you'll miss him, but you'll get through it. We all do in the end. It might give you a slight bit more confidence in the long run too, to take control and refuse to allow some bloke to treat you so badly. Good luck, whatever you decide.

R.D. aka MR.D

You need to forget about this guy and any other guy until you work on your self esteem.

Why would you want to send a message like that? You would be playing right in to his hands. He might even show it around to his mates (i've seen guys do this, the kind of guys that mess girls about)

You need to love yourself first and then the rest will come.

If a guy really genuinely likes you then he will show it through his actions. He will treat you well. Don't waste time on a guy who is all talk and no action.

You deserve better!

Tokyo

At the moment you are giving him exactly what he wants - he has the best of both worlds because on one hand he has you dangling on a string with a few flirty text messages when he's at a loose end, telling you what you want to hear, while on the other hand he doesn't have to make any commitment to you whatsoever when something else in life has his attention. It's been over half a year now - he's had ample opportunity to step up and has ignored it.

Time to cut the strings and move on, and find somebody who is able to give you what you need.

miamee

You've said yourself he is arrogant, secretive, rude, lovely some of the time but treats you like dirt the rest of the time. Does he sound like someone you should be spending your time thinking about?
You met him before your break up so I'd wager it was easier to fixate on a potential new romance than to get used to being a single woman. You need to spend time alone, no men for a while and decide what it is you want from your next relationship. I'm guessing secretive, arrogant and rude won't be on the list for your ideal man.

siera

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

If you really want to send him a message, go for it.

Before you do though, ask yourself this, and answer yourself honestly - are you sending it to tell him to fcuk off? Or are you sending it because you're hoping and wishing it will make him see sense and want a relationship?

If you genuinely want to send it purely to get rid of him, go right ahead. If it's because you miss him and care about him, don't. . Good luck, whatever you decide.

thank you for this jingle, you are so sweet!! why cant more people be decent like the majority on boards? i guess id be sending the message to make him realise he was wrong and wants to see me... it would be because i miss him. but i dont mind not having a relationship, i just want him in my life like he promised. i would even be happy to simply hang out as friends but i am not happy to be ignored.

mike_ie wrote: »

At the moment you are giving him exactly what he wants - he has the best of both worlds because on one hand he has you dangling on a string with a few flirty text messages when he's at a loose end, telling you what you want to hear, while on the other hand he doesn't have to make any commitment to you whatsoever when something else in life has his attention.

i totally agree with this because something does have his attention. i wouldnt be surprised if hes a bit of a player. i get the impression he likes to be seen out and about with different good looking girls. i know he was dating a girl for a short while since i know him but as i said he was always very secretive about her. when i asked him to tell me more about her he said "theres no point, im leaving her" so he could still be seeing her..
ive confided a lot in him and trusted him so would love if he could do the same with me. he has always been a closed book to me.

miamee wrote: »

You met him before your break up so I'd wager it was easier to fixate on a potential new romance than to get used to being a single woman.

i agree with you. thats a good point


i am not looking for a relationship with him but i cant ignore the fireworks i feel for him. i just feel that i need some excitement. im not looking to sleep with him either but id love to just hang out and perhaps kiss him. but mainly i wanna keep him at least as a friend and at most for a kiss or a date.


what should i say if he suddenly gets back to me?

Tokyo

siera wrote: »

but i dont mind not having a relationship, i just want him in my life like he promised. i would even be happy to simply hang out as friends but i am not happy to be ignored.

No disrespect intended, but this goes completely against what you have said in your earlier post:

siera wrote: »

i am totally in love with a guy i met in may....

...i fancy him so much....

...ever since, i have not hidden how i feel...

...but whenever i try to move on from him, he sucks me back in with his flirty messages and desires to see me....

....he is constantly on my mind....

Nothing there suggests that you just want to hang out as friends - it suggests you want much more with him and that he knows it too, and knows he has you on the hook. And now that you are aware of this and people are saying it to you here, you're bargaining with yourself in order to have him in your life in some capacity.

You've said already that you know he's leading you on for an ego boost. That he's dating other people. That he plays hot and cold with your text messages depending on whether he has something else to keep him occupied or not. Why would you want to entertain having such a person in your life, even on a friendship level (not that I believe that's just what you want)?

Ultimately you are going to make up your own mind on whether you approach this person again, or text them. But as long as you keep settling into the niche he has cut for you without questioning it, the longer he'll keep you sitting there, while playing the field at the same time.

readyletsgo

I was in your situation with a guy for two years, I was crazy into him but he treated me like dirt half the time, total user. We were just friends for most of the two years we were together but the things he would say, very hurtful but I didn't see it until friends wouldn't hang out with us because of him.

Eventually, I realised he was just a nasty unthoughtful person, was always going to be like that and so I had to break all contact with him, of course, after I told him why I was ending our relationship/friendship. And also, people who had left him in the past never gave him a reason why they left, only thought it right to explain why and that he needs to change his ways.

To be honest, besides my mother passing away I would put it down as one of the hardest things I have done in my life, I loved him so much, but love can be seriously blind.

Life is so much better and a hell of a lot easier since.

Hope that helps in some way. Life is too short for people like this.

siera

thanks so much "readyletsgo"
im sorry to hear about your mum and your bad experience. i know its also very hard for me because the feelings make me blind. when i stop and think, he isnt all that great, i dont know why my heart fixated on him! maybe its the attention he lavishes on me which means nothing to him but everything to me. like you, i also told him that he needs to change his ways and his reply was that he totally agrees with me and that he will work on it but he isnt working very hard by ignoring my message on first day of 2015

mike_ie wrote: »

No disrespect intended, but this goes completely against what you have said in your earlier post:
Nothing there suggests that you just want to hang out as friends - it suggests you want much more with him
You've said already that you know he's leading you on for an ego boost. That he's dating other people. That he plays hot and cold with your text messages depending on whether he has something else to keep him occupied or not. Why would you want to entertain having such a person in your life, even on a friendship level
But as long as you keep settling into the niche he has cut for you without questioning it, the longer he'll keep you sitting there, while playing the field at the same time.

i know it went against what i said originally but the truth is that i am mad about him. i am most likely madly in LUST with him. i would love to have romance and kisses etc but mainly i want to hang out as friends so that it may lead to this. if we dont hang out, ill never have any romance with him. and if we were to meet up every so often, i wouldnt mind if he has other girls. i feel i just want some of his time and affection. maybe if he spends more time with me, he might fall in love with me.


its sad that he knows i suffer from low self esteem and yet he wont wish me the best for new years.

im assuming theres no point messaging him telling him how i feel. how can he start the new years with no manners to even reply to my heartfelt message

readyletsgo

siera wrote: »

i am most likely madly in LUST with him. i would love to have romance and kisses etc but mainly i want to hang out as friends......

and if we were to meet up every so often, i wouldnt mind if he has other girls. i feel i just want some of his time and affection. maybe if he spends more time with me, he might fall in love with me.


its sad that he knows i suffer from low self esteem and yet he wont wish me the best for new years.

im assuming theres no point messaging him telling him how i feel. how can he start the new years with no manners to even reply to my heartfelt message

Seriously, it's like I'm looking into a mirror, sounds exactly the same way I felt.

Believe me, he knows he can use you when and where ever he wants.

Since you have told him to change and had the talk already I think you will have to be tough on yourself and delete his number, block him from social network stuff and move on to a much better man, who you will no doubt find in no time.

It won't be easy, you won't forget him, you will still have feelings for him for a good while, but you are worth so much more than this.

Talk to your friends about him, they will open your eyes to things too.

New year new you!

siera

readyletsgo wrote: »

Seriously, it's like I'm looking into a mirror, sounds exactly the same way I felt.

Believe me, he knows he can use you when and where ever he wants.

Since you have told him to change and had the talk already I think you will have to be tough on yourself and delete his number, block him from social network stuff and move on to a much better man, who you will no doubt find in no time.

It won't be easy, you won't forget him, you will still have feelings for him for a good while, but you are worth so much more than this.

Talk to your friends about him, they will open your eyes to things too.

New year new you!

yes that is probably the best idea. its hard as you know yourself as im addicted to thinking about him at this stage..
its so so hurtful to treat a friend like this. im even starting to wonder did i do something wrong. i dont get how he can go from begging me to meet him the other evening to ignoring my new years message..

readyletsgo

Sadly some people are just horrible spa's, he's not worth it. Unless you want a year of wishing and hoping and lusting with nothing happening and being treated like a fool (which I was) get out now.

Much better, fancier men out there that will treat you right, and make you feel good about yourself no matter what and in turn you make them feel great too. That's at least what a good friend can do

mapaca

His lack of a response to your text tells you everything you need to know. He is stringing you along. Read over all the advice in this thread again. Cut contact and ignore any future messages from him. Keep busy doing other things and spending time with real friends. It will be hard but you will get over him and come out stronger in the end.

IlmoNT4

Op I really think you need to take a step back from this and stop thinking with your emotions.

Do you think your Mam would be ok with someone treating you like this? She certainly would not and she would want better for you. You should also want better for yourself. You sound like you are very lonely and your self esteem is rock bottom.

You know that you cant be friends with this guy. He is not a nice person and he will hurt you. The whole thing is wasting your time, time that you could spend meeting the right guy and time that you need to spend on developing yourself worth.

So you have to ask yourself, out of all the guys in Ireland why are you chasing after this one, that treats you like this? Whats happened to you in your life that makes you feel that its ok for someone to treat you like this and that you accept it?
You are responsible for your own emotional well being, and that will mean that you need to block this person from your life. I'd suggest finding a therapist to do some work on yourself because this isnt a good place to be, and you will look back on it, if you continue with him and wish that you had gotten out sooner.

There is nothing that you can ever do, that will make this guy want to be your boyfriend, absolutely nothing. If he wasnt treating you like this, it would be someone else. He doesnt see women as anything other than something to mess around with. He doesnt see that you are a real person. These sorts of people have their own reasons why they are like that, but thats hes problem, not yours. Dont spend another minute of your life, letting this toxic person hurt you.

siera

loulou2009 wrote: »

You should also want better for yourself. You sound like you are very lonely and your self esteem is rock bottom.
The whole thing is wasting your time, time that you could spend meeting the right guy and time that you need to spend on developing yourself worth.

So you have to ask yourself, out of all the guys in Ireland why are you chasing after this one, that treats you like this? Whats happened to you in your life that makes you feel that its ok for someone to treat you like this and that you accept it?

your advice is amazing. i truly appreciate it. thank you very much. i wouldnt even know where to start about me. i have had a lot of emotional pain in my life which has clearly affected me very badly. my family fell apart when i was 15 so maybe that had some negative affects, although my sister seems fine..
you are right, i am incredibly lonely and have low self esteem. i feel like i dont have any outlets to meet people so thats probably the reason i chose this one guy. i have no social life as i grew apart from my friends when i had my boyfriend for 5 years and now thats over too, im left with nothing. i really regret not having a group of good girlfriends. i dont see any way of me ever meeting another guy to be honest. how can i develop my self worth and develop a happy life where i can meet people?

siera

OP here, i rang my only friend and told him that this guy never replied to my happy new year message and he thinks im completely overreacting! he thinks he could have drank a lot and forgot but i feel if he regarded me as a good friend, he wouldnt have forgot. he thinks that he will think im crazy if i send a message about it.

siera

siera wrote: »

OP here, i rang my only friend and told him that this guy never replied to my happy new year message and he thinks im completely overreacting! he thinks he could have drank a lot and forgot but i feel if he regarded me as a good friend, he wouldnt have forgot. he thinks that he will think im crazy if i send a message about it.

Yeah, don't. Seriously, just delete the number and move on. Find a new hobby, anything to stop you thinking about this and don't contact your man again

Faith

Allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment, assuming the guy in question is genuine...

siera wrote: »

he tried to kiss me on a night out once in may, but i didnt kiss him as i wasnt ready for it. at that time however he knew i had a boyfriend.

From his perspective, he made it clear that he liked you and tried to kiss you. Presumably you were flirting with him? But then you rejected him, and were also in a relationship with another man. If he'd posted on here at that time, the advice would have been that you were a head wrecker who didn't know what she wanted, and that he should move on.

siera wrote: »

i used to message him nearly every day and he was quite cold so i felt it best to move on.

So you're happily texting each other, and then out of the blue, you stopped? Again, that's going to mess with his head

siera wrote: »

i didnt hear from him after that and i didnt want to be too intense so i waited until new years eve.

Maybe he was waiting to hear from you, and was really hurt that you left it a week to get in touch. Perhaps he took it as confirmation that you're not interested, or maybe he feels that you're the one keeping him on the hook.

siera wrote: »

the problem is that i am incredibly SHY. i cant even look him in the eye.

Could he interpret this as lack of interest?

siera wrote: »

i am not looking for a relationship with him but i cant ignore the fireworks i feel for him. i just feel that i need some excitement. im not looking to sleep with him either but id love to just hang out and perhaps kiss him. but mainly i wanna keep him at least as a friend and at most for a kiss or a date.

Again, he's getting mixed messages. What do you want from him? I'd say one minute he'd getting vibes that you want a relationship, and the next that you just want to be friends.

Please don't see this as an attack, siera, because it's definitely not. I'm just looking at this guy's perspective and it seems to me that there's two of you in this. Both of you seem quite confused as to what you want.

siera

Faith wrote: »

From his perspective, he made it clear that he liked you and tried to kiss you. Presumably you were flirting with him? But then you rejected him, and were also in a relationship with another man. If he'd posted on here at that time, the advice would have been that you were a head wrecker who didn't know what she wanted, and that he should move on.



So you're happily texting each other, and then out of the blue, you stopped? Again, that's going to mess with his head



Maybe he was waiting to hear from you, and was really hurt that you left it a week to get in touch. Perhaps he took it as confirmation that you're not interested, or maybe he feels that you're the one keeping him on the hook.

Could he interpret this as lack of interest?

Again, he's getting mixed messages. What do you want from him? I'd say one minute he'd getting vibes that you want a relationship, and the next that you just want to be friends.

Please don't see this as an attack, siera, because it's definitely not. I'm just looking at this guy's perspective and it seems to me that there's two of you in this. Both of you seem quite confused as to what you want.

OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME HE KNOWS I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.... now im wondering should i let him know clearly that i have feelings for him.....

now to address your points, the only reason i stopped texting him was because it was ME initiating the conversation 95% of the time.
a relationship should be 2 ways. i felt like he wasnt interested in making effort.

i dont think he felt hurt that i didnt message him because if he was so hurt he would have messaged me first. and I DID message him on new years after all!!

i agree we both seem confused. and when i was with him the last time, i told him i want us to be just friends. but still no reply to my message..

OK the fact is this. i want to see him again and see where it goes. i want him to message me. what do you advise me to do Faith?

OP, seriously, he knows. Don't message him imo

Faith

siera wrote: »

i agree we both seem confused. and when i was with him the last time, i told him i want us to be just friends.

Why did you say this if it's not actually what you want?

I'd disagree with Bluewolf. From what you're saying, it sounds like you've made it clear that you just want to be friends - seeing as that's what you've verbally made clear. Have you ever said "I want us to be together romantically"?

siera

Faith wrote: »

Why did you say this if it's not actually what you want?

I'd disagree with Bluewolf. From what you're saying, it sounds like you've made it clear that you just want to be friends - seeing as that's what you've verbally made clear. Have you ever said "I want us to be together romantically"?

i have not said those exact words no. but i have told him before that i have feelings for him. anyway its up to a man to do the chasing. if he liked me, he should chase me. the reason i said i want to be friends is because when he was begging me to meet, i didnt want him thinking we would be having sex so i wanted to make it clear so he wasnt EXPECTING anything to happen. i guess its due to my shyness. anyway, the way i feel is if he liked me, he wouldnt give up trying to find out how i feel. look how crazy i am acting....

Faith

Okay, now we're getting a clearer idea. Firstly, the idea of the man doing the chasing is completely outdated. Women are just as capable of chasing, and just as responsible for it. To expect him to do all the work is both unrealistic and unfair.

He was begging you to meet? That doesn't sound like he's being cold, or a head wrecker. Sounds to me like he asked you on a date, made it clear that it was a date, asked you to meet again and you totally blew him off by telling him you just want to be friends. You cannot be angry that he took you at your word! You have made it very clear how you feel - you've straight out told him that you don't want to be involved with him romantically. Why in the world would you expect him to keep pursuing you?!

To be frank, you are playing games with him. You're the one treating him poorly, from what you're saying here.

I think you should forget about him, but not because he's being a dick, but because you don't seem to have any idea what you want. You're being really unfair to him by leading him on and then rejecting him.

siera

Faith wrote: »

To expect him to do all the work is both unrealistic and unfair.

He was begging you to meet? That doesn't sound like he's being cold, or a head wrecker. Sounds to me like he asked you on a date, made it clear that it was a date, asked you to meet again and you totally blew him off by telling him you just want to be friends. You cannot be angry that he took you at your word! You have made it very clear how you feel - you've straight out told him that you don't want to be involved with him romantically. Why in the world would you expect him to keep pursuing you?!

To be frank, you are playing games with him. You're the one treating him poorly, from what you're saying here.

I think you should forget about him, but not because he's being a dick, but because you don't seem to have any idea what you want. You're being really unfair to him by leading him on and then rejecting him.

i never expected him to do all the work. as i said, i was initiating most of the contact!!
yes he was begging me to meet because he wanted to get out of his house for a while. and he is being nice at times but also cold other times like NOW. he did not make it clear it was a date, he was only joking saying that/flirting with me.

stop animal cruelty

siera wrote: »

OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME HE KNOWS I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.... now im wondering should i let him know clearly that i have feelings for him.....

now to address your points, the only reason i stopped texting him was because it was ME initiating the conversation 95% of the time.
a relationship should be 2 ways. i felt like he wasnt interested in making effort.

i dont think he felt hurt that i didnt message him because if he was so hurt he would have messaged me first. and I DID message him on new years after all!!

i agree we both seem confused. and when i was with him the last time, i told him i want us to be just friends. but still no reply to my message..

OK the fact is this. i want to see him again and see where it goes. i want him to message me. what do you advise me to do Faith?

When this happends with me, l dont bother texting anymore either. l get the message loud and clear. lt should be 50/50.

If someone liked you then would ask questions, want to keep the conversation going.

You don't see it now, but honestly stop wasting your time and all this thinking about him. Theres much better out there op!

siera

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

When this happends with me, l dont bother texting anymore either. l get the message loud and clear. lt should be 50/50.

If someone liked you then would ask questions, want to keep the conversation going.

You don't see it now, but honestly stop wasting your time and all this thinking about him. Theres much better out there op!

thanks, im hurting so badly. hope it goes away

CollyFlower

Whatever you do don't text him again looking for an explanation, what if you do and he doesn't reply? you're going to hurt even more.

stop animal cruelty

siera wrote: »

thanks, im hurting so badly. hope it goes away

aww look at least things didnt go any further. When l was going out with my ex he treated me v badly in the end, would barely talk to me for 2 weeks...being so hot and cold, if l had just woken up and smelt the roses l should have dumped him for treating me like that. lts not fair to be treated like that.

It will go away, l promise. We have all experienced this kind of pain, and we have to go through, you'll learn that! l think your well rid tbh, these kind of people aren't worth it, don't worry you will be fine and in time you'll realise what an ass he is

dellas1979

OP.

Maybe you f'ed it up. Maybe you didnt. Maybe he is a player. We dont know.

But, here is what Ive deduced from reading your posts.

You seriously need to work on your confidence and self esteem issues. Make new friends. Be happy, in yourself.

If you do this, for yourself, I guarantee you, situations like this become water off a ducks back.

You will have more steady emotions, rather than up/down/side ways about situations.

siera

dellas1979 wrote: »

OP.

You seriously need to work on your confidence and self esteem issues. Make new friends. Be happy, in yourself.

this is easy to say. you dont know how much ive tried to make new friends. its so hard!! how do u think i even met this guy? it was from my hard efforts to make friends

dellas1979

siera wrote: »

this is easy to say.

Have you tried to work on yourself? Because if you havent, its easy for you to say that. You dont just wake up one morning full of esteem and confidence, and friends, and people who respect you. You instill it in yourself first.

You dont need men to give you your esteem and confidence. Wouldnt it be nice to meet a guy when you have sorted these things out? This guy is mirroring back to you the lack of these things you seem to have for yourself.

siera

dellas1979 wrote: »

Have you tried to work on yourself? Because if you havent, its easy for you to say that. You dont just wake up one morning full of esteem and confidence, and friends, and people who respect you. You instill it in yourself first.

You dont need men to give you your esteem and confidence. Wouldnt it be nice to meet a guy when you have sorted these things out? This guy is mirroring back to you the lack of these things you seem to have for yourself.

what did i do wrong though? i have always been 100% good to him. how exactly do i work on myself? can you recommend a book to fix me? i am a very nice kind person. my sister tells me im TOO nice in fact and she says people will walk all over me.

where do i meet these potential friends??

vr7

siera wrote: »

what did i do wrong though? i have always been 100% good to him. how exactly do i work on myself? can you recommend a book to fix me? i am a very nice kind person. my sister tells me im TOO nice in fact and she says people will walk all over me.

where do i meet these potential friends??

Theres a hard way and easy way to deal with this issue.

Easy way is to walk away and put a stop to the texting, flirting, etc.

The hard way is the path you are on. An ongoing situation where you want more than what he is offering/willing to offer you.

If your as kind as your sis says you are then you should have no problem finding a guy who is willing to put in 100% to a relationship

dellas1979

siera wrote: »

what did i do wrong though?

You didnt do anything wrong.

Sometimes, when things are a bit low (in ourselves, for whatever the reason) we can try form relationships or attachments to people who might not be very good for us. Or not very good to us. Doesnt mean you did anything wrong. Its almost like we see something in them that we cant see in ourselves. We'll be kind to them at all costs. But we will flog ourselves.

siera wrote: »

how exactly do i work on myself? can you recommend a book to fix me?

"Fix" isnt a term Id use. Its to tweak on what you already know/have experienced. But its a very difficult question to answer on a forum. And one Ive to generally answer because (dont take this the wrong way) I dont know you. It would be wrong of me. People read books and are fine/take meaning and work on themselves. Others attend councelling (to deal with things in the past that are causing the issues now). Other people spill/find support and ways to deal with things in talking in friends and family. It depends on what you are open to.

siera wrote: »

i am a very nice kind person.

I dont doubt that for 1 second.

siera wrote: »

my sister tells me im TOO nice in fact and she says people will walk all over me.

Maybe so, your sister knows you. But your sister can only observe (and listen). She cant do anything for you. Thats up to you.

siera wrote: »

where do i meet these potential friends??

Again, I cant say or do anything (can only observe from your posts). The only thing I know is that when we are happy in ourselves (however you get this as per above), we attract the right people (men/friends).

njs030

Maybe you're too intense and it makes him want to back off? Reading your posts I had thought there was a full blown relationship but you haven't even kissed this man!
I suggest you stop running after him and trying so hard and scrutinising everything and relax.

Don't contact him again, even if he did miss the message if he was interested he would have contacted you.
Do you have any hobbies or interests to focus on? If not maybe find something you enjoy.

vr7

Why is there a need to meet friends? Do you mean by joining a gym or cycling team in order to meet new people?

Big Bag of Chips

siera, I'm afraid that he doesn't have the same relationship with you as you have with him. You are far more invested than he is, probably because you don't have too many other friends. Has he a big social circle? I get the impression he doesn't depend on your friendship as heavily as you depend on his. On the New Years Eve text... I don't send them! I get them from various people but I just don't bother send them back. Why? Because they don't actually mean anything! Everyone in the country is sending them, and phones are inundated with "Happy New Year to my friends and family etc etc etc", I just couldn't be arsed! I sent one Happy New Year text this year and it was to a friend who is expecting a baby. I sent her a text because I had something more than just a generic "Happy New Year" to say.

All that aside, I think he knows how much you like him. Maybe he enjoys playing with you and the attention he gets from you. Maybe he knows how much you like him and doesn't want to be leading you on that is why he doesn't contact you as much. Maybe he's just not great at texts. Maybe he has no idea that you are obsessing over this.

One way or another, the friendship as it is now isn't working for you. And it is never going to work because you don't want to be his friend. You are in love with him. It is not his fault if he doesn't feel the same way about you. I think any big announcement of your intention to end the friendship is going to look crazy. Friendships drift away and fizzle out all the time. Rarely does anybody do a sit down chat where they inform the other person that they are ending the friendship. You need to distance yourself from this lad. It's just not good for you. If he does text you again, you can ignore it for a day or two. You can be "busy" if he does try to arrange to meet you. You don't have to sit around waiting for him. As others have said you need to move on from this. You are searching for something that doesn't exist.

If he starts to notice you are drifting away from him and he tries to pull you back in you can just tell him a white lie in that you don't have much time at the moment. I'm guessing if you start pulling away from the friendship he might make a half arsed effort to maintain it, but I'd say he won't go out of his way to fight for you, and the friendship will eventually fizzle away. It doesn't look like you are going to disappear off into the sunset with this lad, so concentrate on other parts of your life. If down the road he actually does realise that he's been an eejit and he does actually need you in his life as more than a friend then it's a bonus. But for now you need to take care of yourself. You need to consider your feelings ahead of other people's.

He is not thinking about you half as much as you are thinking about him. That doesn't mean he's a bad person. It just means he's not as wrapped up in this as you are. Take care of yourself. Put your own feelings first, and if that means blocking this man from your life so that you don't have to get hurt again, then that's what you need to do. He doesn't really need an explanation. I guess he has a fair idea how you feel about him.

Good luck.

Tokyo

siera - when you PM'd me last night, I informed you in my response that we didn't allow PM exchanges between posters over issues in PI - this is for your protection more than anything else. It's since come to our attention that you sent the same PM to other posters here, which is strictly against the forum charter.

You've already received excellent advice in the responses here so far, so I'm closing the thread. However please be aware that should you PM other posters about this issue, we will take further action in terms of an infraction or ban.

Regards,
Mike