Still not over ex

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex six months ago. It was very mutual, due to long-distance. We'd been doing long distnace for most of our 1.5 year relationship and, while neither of us found it too difficult we thought we would get to be together. However things changed and unless either of us was willing to give up (or step back from) our careers we would have to do at least 2 more years. I did consider staying in Ireland with him as my career is not that important to me but it would have been silly financially and caused a lot of strain with my family.

The break up was the worst thing I've ever had to go through in my enitre life and I still can't shake the feeling that we are meant to be together. But nothing's changed? All the problems that made us leave the relationship still exist. I have met other guys since we broke up. There were sparks with some of them and some of the best sex I've had in years but I still can't stop thinking about my ex. His life is going well but he's still not over me. I don't really understnad. When we were together I often had doubts that I loved him as much as I should (it was a first relationship) so I thought I'd get over him easily enough. My friend broke up with her bf of six years around the same time, the guy she thought she was going to marry, and she was fine after a couple of months.

On one hand I think it makes more sense to "just move on". I had worried I'd find being single lonely or I'd never meet someone else who "ticked all the boxes", but neither of those are true. However on the other hand there are some days when I can't think of anything but him. And sometimes I think I should just stay single forever now, because the pain of going through the break up isn't worth getting attached.

Stavro Mueller

There isn't any set time for how long it takes to get over someone. Six months isn't a long time in the grand scale of things. What also might be worth bearing in mind about this relationship you had is that most of it was long distance. In other words, you never really got to spend lots of time with him. Not weekends or a week here or there. I'm talking longer stretches of time where you get to learn his irritating habits or times when things are very mundane. It wouldn't surprise me if you've idealised him to some extent.

manonboard

What kind of thoughts are you having of your ex OP that are causing you to feel so hurt?
6 months is a long time i think for a breakup to be so painful OP. You may want to grab some council ling sessions and perhaps there is some underlying issues that could be addressed that may help redirect your feelings somewhat?

That meant to be together stuff is dangerous thinking. It really sets up a stage for terrible suffering. Forming the perception that reality has you somewhat destined to be with a particular someone, inevitably leads to massive pain when that is threatened (or over in your case).
My heart goes out to you break ups can be very difficult for some.

You said you've been with other guys since and had some amazing sex. I'd say its likely that when you were with these other guys and having a great time, you werent sad in those moments about your ex?
The best advice I could give (and im technically in a breakup at present, incredible woman, love her very much) is that you fill more of your time with things that occupy your mind with happiness/pleasure, if your not thinking of your ex, you wont be sad about him.
Thinking patterns are very habit formed, sometimes you can power through some bad habits (such as sad thinking) and after a while, you just forget to do it.

I'd agree with your last part though, the attached part is the part that causes the pain. Maybe you could look into that, theres plenty of reading which i found invaluable throughout the years. Really learnt how to enjoy people without being too attached, the pleasure/happiness is all the same, but alot less suffering. Boarding up your heart to future love to save you the pain of heart ache, is missing out on the best part of life for fear of it...

Hope you feel better soon.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

I don't know, I mean I know there were a lot of things about him that annoyed me, like the mess he makes brushing his teethe or the fact he will only sleep with the curtains open but they hardly seemed like deal breakers. I know that getting back together isn't really realistic. But part of me is just afraid to move on in case it is in a few years. I feel like I won't really be over him till I've met someone who is exactly like him only better, but that's hardly healthy?

I'm not sad about him when I'm with other men, neccesarily, but I do think about him a lot. Sometimes it's "wow, this is better than X" or sometimes it's "I wish he'd do that thing X did" etc. I don't necessarily mean just in terms of sex either; conversation, personality, humour etc.

I think the problem is that we both still want to be together in a lot of ways. We broke up to avoid the relationship going bad. We are in the same group of friends so we thought it would make things easier to just quit while we were ahead, but now I think we should have stuck it out until we were miserable and hated each other, then there'd be no what ifs.

I don't really beleive in the one. But I was always so afraid of falling into that trap of never finding anyone good enough, and having a string of boyfriends. So when I found him on my first try it almost seemed too good to be true. I guess it was.