He has a girlfriend

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.
About 4 months ago I rekindled a relationship with an ex of mine after much persuasion by him.
I have just learned that he in fact has had a girlfriend for well over 2 years that he has been lying about.
Obviously I am disgusted with his behaviour and want nothing more to do with him.
The opinions I'm looking for are to know whether I not I tell his girlfriend. I feel if I was in her shoes I would want to know, but at the same time I really would rather see the back of this situation and not get in the middle. Is it selfish to leave the girl to waste more of her time until she finds out what he's really like for herself?

Just to note we are all late twenties.

Many Thanks

charlietheminxx

I'm not sure telling her would be the right thing to do, it could cause more stress and grief for you and I know you don't need it. If it was me though, I think I would tell her. I've been in her position and 7 years on I still feel like an idiot when I think about it. She deserves the truth but I understand why you wouldn't want to be the one to tell her.

athtrasna

I really don't think it's any of your business to interfere in their relationship. Yes he's not a very nice person but that's something she needs to find out for herself. She's not a friend of yours so please don't even think about doing it.

seventeen sheep

It's a tough one.

I think the correct, sensible advice would be to cut all ties and walk away. Especially since you don't seem to know her very well. It's also possible he may have foreseen this and told her his own version of events ... If it comes down to your word against his, it's likely she'll believe him over some ex of his who she doesn't know.

On the other hand, if she's clueless to his cheating ... If I were her, I know I'd rather be told. For fear of STIs, apart from anything else.

Maybe an anonymous letter or similar is something to consider? Keeping it vague (so as not to identify yourself) but still giving her a heads up. Problem is, if she confronts him, will he know it was you? And if so, how is he likely to react?

No matter what you decide to do, don't rush into it - if you end up telling her, it should be for her own good - not to get back at him, if you know what I mean. So wait until the initial hurt and anger has started to fade before making your decision.

R.D. aka MR.D

I would tell her.

Just let her know the facts and leave it at that. If either of them try to engage with you afterwards just ignore them.


Also, because there is no easy answer, if i were in your shoes, i would make the decision based on how i would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want to know?

Tokyo

I generally try to judge situations like these on their own merit - there are plenty of scenarios here where the best thing to do is to keep quiet and learn from it, but in this case I think that telling her is the lesser of two evils - but - you need to be prepared for the fact that she may not receive the news from you graciously.

This isn't a case of you being the 'other woman', or him having a guilty conscience and admitting his wrongdoings - you have been deceived by this guy for months, and at the moment his girlfriend has also been caught up in this deception, and will continue to do so, and right now, I'd be betting that he'd be quite happy to have you disappear off into the background and not have his infidelity come to the surface. Have yo spoken to him about this? And what does he say about everything?

If you tell her, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons, and not out of hurt or revenge, and keep it short and simple, let her know that her boyfriend has been cheating on her, but don't give explicit details as to what you have been doing - that will cause unnecessary hurt. An email or phone call might be the best way of going about it - she's going to understandably be angry, and you are going to be the other woman in her eyes, whether it's true or not, and may lash out, physically or verbally.

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thanks for all the advice given so far.
Something I should have said in my original post is that we all work together. It is a large company and we work in 3 separate sections. I wouldn't see either in work on a daily basis, maybe a couple of mornings a week if we have the same start time and would have to liase with him maybe 3 times a week (never her dept.).
I learned of their relationship through someone in her department who casually mentioned it.
This was just before Christmas. I phoned him and he flat out denied they were together. Swore blindly it was untrue until I said I'd ask her about it just to clear things up and then he came clean.
I know she is aware we used to be a couple (together 5 years, split about 2.5 years ago) and I would be fairly confident in saying I'm sure she has been told nasty lies about me.
After he confessed he begged me not to tell her as she would hurt me (physically) and he would have to leave his job.
I haven't spoken to him since as we have been off work for Christmas.

If I could send her an email with the basics and leave her make up her own mind I would do that, the thing holding me back is that I don't want an uncomfortable working situation for any of us.
I will obviously feel guilty but I'm thinking the best thing to bite my tongue in this situation?

He'd have to leave his job? Maybe he should have thought of that before trying to string two women along in the same job. What a gobsh!te.
*Absolutely* tell her. It's his problem, he got himself into that mess

Tokyo

leavethemtoit? wrote: »

I will obviously feel guilty but I'm thinking the best thing to bite my tongue in this situation?

I think that you need to tell her.

The fact that you all work together means that *somebody* you work with knows about your involvement with this - you weren't even trying to hide it as you were working under the assumption that he was single, and no matter how quiet you think you kept things, chances are somebody's cottoned on to what's been happening and it's been the subject of office gossip.

So now it is about damage control, and making sure that the truth gets out there, and not whatever version of the truth he decides to spin. Right now he's already trying to bully you into covering his lie. He's saying that she will physically hurt you if she find out. Then he's trying to emotionally manipulate you by saying that he will lose his job. Those are the actions of a person backed into a corner, and that kind of person will hang you and anyone else out to dry in order to cover his own back.

He's concerned about his job - what about your job? What happens if this comes out and he puts a spin on the story that paints you as the manipulative other woman, who tried to come between him and his girlfriend, tried to destroy his relationship so that you could have him to yourself, and he was weak and gave in, before seeing the error of his ways. How do you feel about working in an environment where that is the prevailing story as to what happened?

This is a situation entirely of his making, and ultimately, the consequences should fall on him, and not anybody else.

up for anything

leavethemtoit? wrote: »

After he confessed he begged me not to tell her as she would hurt me (physically)

This would hold me back. Is she the type of person to behave like this? Would she make your working life and perhaps your personal life a misery? If she is like that then I'd leave them to it to be honest. Why should you subject yourself to that type of common behaviour when trying to the do the right thing by her!

ivytwine

up for anything wrote: »

This would hold me back. Is she the type of person to behave like this? Would she make your working life and perhaps your personal life a misery? If she is like that then I'd leave them to it to be honest. Why should you subject yourself to that type of common behaviour when trying to the do the right thing by her!

Sure if he's telling lies about the OP I'd imagine he's probably telling lies about the gf too.

I think in this situation she does need to know, and for your own sake in work too.

summer_chic

It's entirely possible that without knowing it your intentions are about revenge rather than her best interests. You had a long term relationship with this guy, is it possible he cheated on you when you were together ? He sounds like a cheater,and if so he'll get caught out st some stage and she is likely to have her suspicions. is unlikely , however, that she will thank you for your intervention regardless. She is more likely to blame you for everything. I would be all for walking away from the entire situation. Deal with him on a professional basis only, and hope your personal life won't get dragged through the workplace. You have been hurt enough by this charmer - the only person who you need to be concerned about in this situation is yourself. Turn your back and walk away.

Shrap

mike_ie wrote: »

He's concerned about his job - what about your job? What happens if this comes out and he puts a spin on the story that paints you as the manipulative other woman, who tried to come between him and his girlfriend, tried to destroy his relationship so that you could have him to yourself, and he was weak and gave in, before seeing the error of his ways. How do you feel about working in an environment where that is the prevailing story as to what happened?

I'd be very afraid of the rumour mill putting this about whether you tell her or not. Yes, I think if you do anything about it at all, you'll need to put the right story straight to this woman, but essentially you may still be hearing the story above as your ex puts it about that he wasn't at fault. He's virtually guaranteed to try and come out of this looking a little better than the truth of it, and he'll be like a rat trapped in a corner.

This could go either way for you OP. I dunno about telling anyone at all.....which would mean he got away with it, the manipulative ****, and the poor gf continues to be clueless. I think it could depend on how close you are with people you actually work alongside and whether you have a group of supportive friends in there.