How do I make peace with the past?

LegacyUser

2014 was a rough year for me. Some bad things happened to me and I done some bad things myself.

I had constant panic attacks, cried everyday for months, I self harmed, felt suicidal and put my family through torture. I sought medical professionals who did help a lot but left some lofty bills and dents in bank accounts...

I'm in a better place now than I was then, but I'm not out of it yet. I still feel depressed and very guilty.

Rumination is my big enemy. I can get lost for hours thinking about the past which can't be changed and run around in circles in my mind which spirals downwards towards darkness. How do I break this cycle? This can't go on forever...

amdublin

It sounds like you had a very tough 2014 alright. It also sounds like you set about getting the help to get through it, and while this has affected you financially you should not feel guilty about this, in the long run it will stand to you.

I know it is hard at the moment to see it, but things will get better. And you are doing the right things to help yourself for it to get better. Give yourself credit for that.

Alba Frere

I used to suffer dreadful anxiety and until recently I had serious problems with letting go of the past. Even a simple conversation with someone for example and I would criticise myself about what I had said and how I'd said it. I could spend days stressing about certain aspects of my life, just literally at home in my bedroom overthinking, overanalysing everything. When I was in school I would spend so much time stressing about how much I'd studied, how I'd done in exams, what I would do after finishing school etc. instead of just trying my best and actually studying.

I went to countless pyschologists, councillors, hypnotists, everything. You name it I tried it and failed. Everyone of them would ask 'can you not see how irrational and unnecessary it is?' Of course I did! But that still wasn't stopping me doing it!

Now I know this may seem cheesy and bizarre, but what changed my fixation with the past was a scene from the film The Hangover 1 or 2, can't remember tbh but anyway, there's a scene in it where (this might not be exactly what happened but you'll get the jist) they're in Bangkok and 1 of the characters is freaking out because he's just done something with a transsexual who he initially believed to be a female and he is engaged. His friend the 1 played by Bradley Cooper responds something along the lines of 'Look, we all do f*cked up sh*t and you know how we get over it, we forget about it! It never happened!' Perhaps it was the manner he said but for some reason it hit a nerve. Life is too short to stress about things, even important things. Don't take life too seriously. Some one is always worse off and we are all human and all have flaws, so be grateful and just move on. It never happened 😂

Good luck!

Shrap

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

The external thing in your case is the awful time you had last year. It is in the past, it happened and you cannot change what happened. That's beyond your control. When you dwell on the past, and repeatedly pour over all the things you felt/did/could have felt/could have done differently, you're essentially wasting your time on things that you can't change. You can change how you treat the past now though, and you can start by telling yourself that the past is gone and doesn't require your judgement. Now, is what matters - how you live your life now.

I've found the philosophy of Stoicism very useful in helping me develop "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change". This has become my favourite book for dipping into when I'm in danger of beating myself up about the past again! https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-good-life

LegacyUser

It's very difficult to change this mindset but not impossible. I was digasnosed as having clinical depression this year after approx 15/16 years of anxiety, panic attacks, bouts of tears, bouts of feeling hopeless and down. The only reason I was digasnosed was a family crisis arose and I completely froze one day, I couldn't be there. The following day I 'unfroze' and 'sucked it up' as it were but I knew something was very wrong with me. This happened in September and today 03rd January I feel much better, due to my doctor's support and medication, yes, hearing I needed medication for approximately 5 years or perhaps the rest of my life was very frightening but this is just the way it is for me.
Remember every single person has some fight in their life, you need to stop being so hard on yourself, try to be good to yourself, when you feel your mind slipping back to blame and fear just say 'I'm not going there today'. Eventually you will move out of this phase.

Mind yourself

Rubberchikken

you've achieved a lot in 2014, and with a positive mindset can achieve even more in 2015.

most people know what it's like to go over things we've done/should have done etc. it's a normal human thing. don't beat yourself up over it.

the main thing is you're aware of it so can work on changing that. it'll take time but you've done so many positive things so one more is going to be no bother to you.

best of luck