Single Father ADvice

singledadnow

Hi there,

I will keep this short as possible, please bare with me, as i would like to get some input from people similar.
My opartner and i were together for 4&1/2 years before she decided to break up 6 months ago. We have a 3 year old daughter. I had to relocate to cork for my job, and they live in clare. I get to see her 2 weekends a month at the moment, but always seems to suit her schedule. No that i have one myself, I am pretty lonley, but she doesnt seem to factor in our daughters welfare and mybe bring her to me the odd time. The reason i say that is becuase im under financial pressure now with maintenance and bills moving etc... I supported her for 2 years while she wasnt working and helped her financially also setup her own business.

WE had a good relationship until after our daughter was born. We lived in cork, remotely and was very hard as we did not have any support from either families because they were so far away. financial pressure like everyone else also took it's toll. I was getting anxiety ( i didnt know it then) and had a sharp tongue the odd time. I was happy that she was a full time mom, and supported her alot emotionally and gave her freedom to do anything she wanted to give her hedspace. But i felt fustrated as I never got anything back and felt she took me for granted. I did all the cooking aswell, and the cleaning.

WE had to move back to clare 3 years into our relationship, and for the last year before we broke up we were BOTH working from home in the same office naturally this didnt work, but she never saw that. alot more things happened, she snogged someone when we were on a break and went off with someone the same night we broke up.

I know she isnt right for me, and too much has been said i think to ever get back. The thing is, I am a devoted loving father, and would much prefer to have custody of my own daughter, thats how much i love her. I am finding it hard to cope, and feel my role as a father is gone. I feel suicidal all the time, sturggling financially and lack so much self-esteem and confidence.

Username here

Please see the sticky "Information for distressed posters" which contains information on support services for individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts, and get whatever support you require.

kev1.3s

full custody is very unlikely in my opinion, unfortunatly the irish courts system is unfairly biased towards the mother ( not that you've given us any indication that you're ex is an unsuitable parent) but to be given custody she'd have to be pretty bad!
There's going to be an adjustment period but the important thing is to be the best dad you can be in the circumstances speak to a family rights solicitor and excercises all you're rights, then you're daughter will always be in you're life.

Ann84

Share parenting routines can be difficult from the distance your describing for purely practical reasons but I would suggest you try to organise a routine where you have her more. Mediation is the best approach in my experience and it can be done for free through 'family mediation services'.

Treoir is worth a read also. http://www.treoir.ie/target-fathers.php
http://www.treoir.ie/cms-assets/documents/Treoir%20Documents/14049-717393.taking-the-stand.pdf

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/Article/tabid/156/ArticleName/Shared_Parenting_for_Unmarried_Parents/Default.aspx

Even with your existing access, it should be down on paper what has been agreed, if done through mediation it's not legally binding, however the focus is on what's best for your child. It is also vital for fairly splitting out holidays, birthdays and Christmases!
Also, do you have joint guardianship? You should ask your ex to give this to you (has to be done through court) but it is definitely best for your daughter if anything were to happen to her mom.

Finally, lots of people share parent these days and if you can agree to work together to raise your child it can be beneficial for everyone, you and your ex will have time with your daughter and time to build your own life and your daughter has a good relationship with you both.
The loneliness your feeling, you need to deal that out separately, try meetup.com to get out there and make new friends and find a bit of a life for yourself.

I share parent and have done for years, 99% time it's good but I'm glad we did mediation and got an agreement in place when she was small...

PS I don't believe you need full custody as your daughter deserves to have a good relationship with you both, however, you do need consistency and a formal ageement so you don't feel at your exs beck and call. Shared parenting can and does work, it takes time though...

Tokyo

Hi singledadnow,

I understand that you are going through a difficult period right now with regards to your daughter and your recent breakup, however our policy in Personal Issues is to close any threads where a poster expresses suicidal thoughts. such as you have done. This is done for your own protection, as the risk is too great that posters might offer you bad advice, even if it is well-intentioned, that upsets you more. It's also important that you seek help for yourself first, before seeking help for your family situation.

However, we do have an online representative turn2me.org who you can PM, and who will reply to you and offer you the help and support that you need. They also have a website at https://www.turn2me.org offering various services. I will also make them aware of this thread.

In the meantime, please have a look at the Charter stickied at the top of the Forum, in particular the links below.

Regards,
Mike


Depression / Mental Health
http://www.irish-counselling.ie/
http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/
http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/
http://www.grow.ie/
http://www.aware.ie/
http://www.shineonline.ie/
http://www.recover.ie/ (Schizophrenia Ireland)

Suicide
http://www.nosp.ie/ (national suicide prevention)
1Life Suicide Prevention Helpline - 1800 247 100
http://www.pieta.ie/
https://www.turn2me.org/ - registered rep on boards contactable at turn2me.org

Tokyo

Introduction to turn2me.org

Hello,

My name is Eoin O'Shea and I am a counselling psychologist working at Turn2me, an online mental health organisation (www.turn2me.org)

A Boards moderator recently brought a post of yours to my attention (as part of a collaborative support arrangement which Turn2me has with Boards.ie). It seems you were quite distressed - I take this very seriously as you must really be suffering quite a bit at the moment.

What I would like to say is that we can provide anonymous support at Turn2me should you wish to (a) avail of our support forums, (b) take part in our Online Support Groups which run every day, or (c) use any of the other features at our site.

As part of a programme called 'Engage' (details of which can be found at www.turn2me.org ), I would be happy to offer you a number of free online counselling sessions which are then combined with at least two of our other services to make sure you get the support and help you deserve - free of charge.

Please let me know if you'd have an interest in this - just so that I can touch base with you and make sure you've received this message - and you can then apply for the Engage programme online by visiting our site.

I wish you the very best and hope to hear from you soon,

Eoin