Unsure if it's worth the bother anymore

LegacyUser

Am sitting here alone with OH upstairs sulking, due to yet another situation caused by his young adult children and their plans and lack of communication around them.

They were supposed to be over with him from NYE on for a week, but changed that as one of them is going away, so I found out last Saturday that they were arriving Sunday, causing me to change tentative plans I'd made with the Oh to go away for a couple of days to a hotel to have a break.

Naturally after they arrived, everything was planned around what they were doing, and twice in the five days since they changed what was agreed and we'd to hang around waiting for them etc.

For NYE they said they were going to a party with a friend. I had previously asked OH to ask them not to have a party here as they've had one each year for the past five years, and each year there has been chaos/the house has been teeming with young adults, and the resultant mess is not cleared up for days and it falls to me to end up doing it as they go home.

His son got up at 5pm today and then at 5:30 this evening they announced that the party they were going to was cancelled as the friend had gone away unexpectedly, and they were having friends over to the house I live in. I said no, as previously discussed with my Oh and eventually alternative plans were made.

Oh is now thick as a result of this and is upstairs brooding.

This is a constant issue in our relationship, his children will make arrangements, and then within hours of them supposed to be happening, change them, without letting us/me know, be it plans for a dinner at home, plans to be at the house, anything.

Oh always takes his childrens side and does not have any issue with their behaviour. I on the other hand like to plan what is happening and do not appreciate it when they say x at 12pm and y at 2pm. It's become enough of an issue that we have been unable to plan e.g. to go away as posted above, and at times we have had to curtail what we were doing as one of them will ring and say "I need a lift" and he will drop his plans and just go.

I guess the main issue here is my OH, he has not ever laid ground rules with them and so they continually behave like this, nor will he communicate stuff like "no parties on NYE in the house", but they too are equally bad, and will not communicate.

Given that they are both in their early twenties, I cannot see this changing, nor can I see my OH changing, and am unsure that I can put up with years more of having plans changed last minute, never knowing what is actually happening, and having him take the side of his children every time this does happen and causes conflict.

Am I nuts?

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

Are you nuts? - No certainly not.

Are your OH's offspring taking the proverbial? - Yes

I suspect that your OH feels some guilt about the previous breakup or is trying to gain his kids affection.

I think you need to talk and if necessary with professional support.

Wish you well OP and HNY.

derstern

Early 20s?!! They behave like teenagers.

Set your ground rules and stick to them. It'll be hard at first but be consistent - they and he will get the message soon enough.

Toots

When I was reading through your post I initially thought you were referring to 16-18 year olds, and I was going to say give your OH a break but hearing they're in their early 20s changed my mind completely. They're old enough to know exactly what they're doing, and they know they're taking the piss and that they'll get away with it because their dad always takes their side over yours.

You're not nuts, and you're not being unreasonable. The issue with giving lifts would be particularly annoying for me, I mean FFS they're in their 20s, have they never used public transport? A lot of people their age would have moved out and be independent, certainly not ringing their parents and expecting them to drop everything and give them a lift to the pub (or wherever).

Do you mind me asking how long you and your OH are together and what age were his kids when his previous relationship ended?

I agree with Buona Fortuna that it might be a case that he felt guilty about the breakup and is trying to compensate (especially if he's the one who ended the relationship) and that might have been understandable when they were younger, but they're adults now. I also wonder could it just be a case of lazy parenting, and he takes their side because it's easier. He's doing them no favours treating them like this. They need to learn that you don't always get what you want.

I'd be interested in hearing do they carry on this way with their mother. Would she let them throw a party on NYE with half an hour notice and then not clean up after themselves? When I was in my early 20s there wasn't a single one of my friends whose parents would let them away with that, and most of my friends would have very easygoing parents. Does their mother drop everything to collect them and bring them to various places? Or does she tell them they need to make their own way there or back, and they promptly ring dad, who they know never says no?

If situations like this have been causing problems in your relationship for years already, and your partner does nothing about it, then I think I'd feel like you do - doubtful that it's worth the hassle anymore. I know when a relationship breaks down and there's kids involved, their needs should come first, but these aren't needs, they're whims. And they're not kids anymore. It seems like as long as his kids get whatever they want then he's happy, and he doesn't really care how you feel about it. It's hugely disrespectful to you, as well as being hurtful. I'd imagine it makes you feel pretty worthless that he appears to have such little regard for your feelings. Him going upstairs in a huff is just juvenile, and TBH adds insult to injury.

You need to sit down and really hammer it home just how this is making you feel, and the effect it is having on your relationship. Tell him that things have gotten to the point that you're considering ending your relationship. I think a few sessions with a counsellor would do no harm. It might have a bigger impact if he hears from a professional how unreasonable his behaviour is. The thing is that this has been going on for so long, he might never change, and in that case you need to be prepared to walk away.

allym

I think I've read posts from you before about this, and know that you've been fed up for a long time now. I also think you posted about how you're basically financially supporting your partner because he gives all his money to his adult children at the snap of their fingers.

(I apologise if this isn't you).

But, either way, it's obvious that you're unhappy in this situation. I think a good, honest chat outlining exactly how you feel, and how you think he could change his behaviour, would be good. If he's not willing to change, and is willing to continue to treat you this way, then I think you have your answer about the viability of this relationship.

LegacyUser

We're together over six years, so his youngest was fifteen when we met, and was a monster to deal with.

He split from their mother when the youngest was one, and it was a bitter split.

We talked today (rather he talked at me) and apparently it's all my fault, despite his daughter apologising yesterday for the change, it's all my fault objecting to something I hadn't wanted to happen, this went on for 90 minutes, including how upset I made him and how I created a situation that he had to accommodate. My take on this is simple, he agreed that there would be no gangs of friends coming over, didn't communicate it, and capitulated when his kids said that was what they had planned.

He does feel guilty about their growing up and his not being involved, and feels that they've had lots of issues to deal with, and need to be supported. IMO his children take the piss, are a huge financial burden and have no idea of what real life and he refuses to address this, he claims he talks to them as adults, but refuses to pull them up on unreasonable behaviour like calls at 2am looking for lifts

Essentially, I've come to realise that I'm a bit like the furniture, my thoughts and preferences will never override what his kids want, so I need to think about whether or not I want to put up with this in the future and tbh I don't. Given the conversation today, if I choose to leave it will probably be my fault though

Toots

That's awful! The fact that the daughter apologised shows that she knows they were in the wrong, but he still berates you about it. if I were you I'd leave, I don't know could I come back from that.

If you wanted to give him one more chance you could try staying with a friend/relative/in a hotel for a few days, but leave a letter for him explaining exactly how you feel, and what needs to change in order for your relationship to continue. I think a letter can be a good way of communicating with someone who would quite often go on the defensive straight away so they don't hear what you're really saying. You can't get into an argument with a letter.

seventeen sheep

Your partner and his children seriously need to cop the f*ck on.

When his children come to visit you, they are houseguests. They are not children anymore, they are supposedly adults. As family, by all means they should feel comfortable to make themselves at home. But not to the extent that they feel they can change everyone's plans as and when they please, and certainly not to the extent that they think they can have last-minute parties in your house!! Unbelievably inappropriate behaviour.

Chances are, they won't start acting like adults until they're treated as adults - with the same rights and responsibilities. Your partner needs to step back and stop spoiling them and view them as adult houseguests. If they're staying in your house, it's not his responsibility to chauffeur them around - it should be no different than if, say, a sibling or cousin of one of yours were staying over. You would expect them to be relaxed and comfortable in your home, but you'd also expect them to fit into your planned routine, to respect boundaries and manners and house rules (as you would if visiting any relative) - and these boundaries would certainly include having last-minute guests of theirs over to stay with you! And most guests staying for a few days would do a bit around the house, cook the odd dinner or take the hosts out for a meal, etc.

As for calling for a lift at 2am? Again, totally inappropriate, but I can understand how your partner would find it hard to say no to that (no matter how old the "child" is.) But it needs to be either arranged in advance - or else, if nothing is arranged and he is called anyways at 2am, they should be given a serious chat the next day. It's one thing if it's an emergency situation, but they can't just expect him to go out at that hour of the morning ... what if he'd been drinking? Or what if he'd slept through the call - how would they get home then? Even most 16/17 year olds know to put aside a few euro at the start of the night for a taxi. It's basic common sense!

You can't make your partner see things this way, though. He's probably too involved in the situation to see it clearly. For me, it would be a bit of a dealbreaker. You have no responsibility to these adult-babies. But, if it's a thing that you only have to put up with their behaviour a few times a year, maybe the rest of your relationship is so good that you can compromise on it? Or you could compromise by agreeing to avoid the situation (e.g. would you be happy to go visit relations yourself for a few days next time they're around? Or would your partner still get in a huff anyways over that?)

Can I ask - I know I said you have no responsibility towards his kids - but in reality, what sort of a relationship do you have with them? Do you view them/treat them as step-children, or younger siblings ... or is it more that you see them as friends ... or do you have any relationship with them? In my view there's no "right" way to have it, it depends on the individuals/families involved. But, if his children now view you as a substitute/additional parent as such, it may help if they came to view you more as an equal. As another adult, like them, who is doing them the favour of hosting them in her home. For that matter, do you ever come to stay in their home(s)? Might be an idea, if the logistics allow - let them see what it's like to have houseguests that they have to look after and entertain for a few days! And - I'm not suggesting you'd have any house parties while staying with them - but do make it clear that you expect them to bring you around and cook for them etc while you're there! Might not be a realistic option if they're in houseshares or still living at home, but if not, it's an idea!

By the way, if it's an option, it might be worth enquiring with their mother if they act as spoilt in her house? It's possible that your partner still sees them as children because he may not have been there to see them grow up on a day-to-day basis - so, in his company, because he treats them as teenagers, their behaviour regresses accordingly. If they can behave like responsible adults at least some of the time, it would probably make it easier for your partner to encourage them to change their behaviour - but it's obviously something he'd have to realise and decide for himself, if he wants to do that.

Hope it all works out for you. It seems a pity to leave what (I assume) is otherwise a good relationship, but I really don't think you're overreacting in any way - the problem is definitely with him and his children.

Shrap

Jaysus, you poor thing OP. Your OH sounds lost in the mires of guilt over god knows what and feels the need to support his kids? Don't we all.... but for most reasonable adults, supporting kids does not mean caving in to their every whim. That often has the opposite effect, but you see it all the time. Overcompensating for some perceived lack of attention or care from years ago by spoiling the sh1te out of a child, leading directly to them taking for granted what they should be respectful towards.

Just for some perspective (although I don't think you're the one in the relationship who needs it), I give my OH full permission to be an equal partner in our relationship and if that means him telling my kids that they're being disrespectful then so be it. As a result, he often gets through to them better than I do. Example (and I too thought you were originally talking about kids the age of my teens): I hadn't seen my eldest for 5 days in a row over the summer holidays (16) and he told me by text he wasn't coming home that day again. Cue me getting thick with him on the phone and told him to get on the road immediately and stick out his thumb (we live in rural Ireland where this is common - he is also 6' 1"). He text me to say it's raining, whereupon my OH rang him, explained that he'd never seen me so pissed off and if he valued his computer time he'd listen to me. My eldest promptly borrowed a girls bike and cycled the 15 miles home. Respect. All round.

If your OH has never given you the right to be his significant adult partner in terms of co-parenting his children, and the credit to have more sense than his children, you're onto a siding going nowhere. I'm very sorry for you, and it sounds like his loss entirely. He could definitely do with counselling, but you are being disrespected until he gets his sh!t together OP.

LegacyUser

Shrap wrote: »

Overcompensating for some perceived lack of attention or care from years ago by spoiling the sh1te out of a child, leading directly to them taking for granted what they should be respectful towards.

Just for some perspective (although I don't think you're the one in the relationship who needs it), I give my OH full permission to be an equal partner in our relationship and if that means him telling my kids that they're being disrespectful then so be it. As a result, he often gets through to them better than I do. Example (and I too thought you were originally talking about kids the age of my teens): I hadn't seen my eldest for 5 days in a row over the summer holidays (16) and he told me by text he wasn't coming home that day again. Cue me getting thick with him on the phone and told him to get on the road immediately and stick out his thumb (we live in rural Ireland where this is common - he is also 6' 1"). He text me to say it's raining, whereupon my OH rang him, explained that he'd never seen me so pissed off and if he valued his computer time he'd listen to me. My eldest promptly borrowed a girls bike and cycled the 15 miles home. Respect. All round.

If your OH has never given you the right to be his significant adult partner in terms of co-parenting his children, and the credit to have more sense than his children, you're onto a siding going nowhere. I'm very sorry for you, and it sounds like his loss entirely. He could definitely do with counselling, but you are being disrespected until he gets his sh!t together OP.

The point above bolded is most relevant, it's exactly the issue. I've never been allowed to question/criticise what his kids are doing without him rebutting what I've said, so I'm not a coparent, nor am i seen as even an equal in the entire relationship

His kids impact our relationship so much that we've had to change plans due to them texting about issues (no groceries/need a lift/need to stay over) at least once a month

What I would like here is that we/I get given adequate notice of their plans, no texts about wanting to stay over less than 24 hours in advance, no late night calls looking for lifts (OH is not a drinker) and just some stability.

OH will not agree to any of this as he feels his children have had a hard time growing up and need to be minded. My view is that his children need to find jobs (neither despite being in their 20s have ever worked), and learn responsibility

Now to my Ohs credit he is a very caring person, but imo far too caring towards his kids, and unwilling to let them or encourage them to grow up.

I'm at the point where I'd just like an orderly life, to be able to plan small breaks and look forward to them, know what is happening and when, but for now it seems impossible.

I remember some years ago him saying that his kids would be independant soon and to be patient, but that hasn't worked out.

I think what I am going to do is to talk to the children in front of their dad about this in a reasonable way, and explain that I am not like their dad and need to have structure and plans in what I do.

And I think I'll start communicating with them directly about plans rather than relying on their dad doing so. They both do seem to respect me but I've never put my foot down as I did a few nights ago so maybe there is an element here in that I need to communicate more directly with them

Finally, thanks to you all, I thought I was going nuts.