No friends or social life

LegacyUser

Regular user going unregistered for this one.

I am in my late 30's and never had a relationship with the opposite sex. (Note: this wording does not mean that I have had a relationship with members of the same sex!).

My friends have all settled down or emigrated. I struggle now to get out and about socially. It used to be that when we went out there would always be at least one person (mostly all of us) who didn't pull that I could use as a crutch. Now that is gone and I realise I have no ability to interact with members of the opposite sex as I hid behind my friends.

I put up a photoless profile on POF but I can't go any further. There have (unsurprisingly) been no replies.

I have no real interests apart from going to the gym and I go there probably/truthfully due to insecurities about my body. However, I enjoy being there and probably the adreneline rush of training has me hooked.

I've got no other activities in life. This means I've nothing to talk about. I do nothing at weekends apart from going back to my parents.

I've been to counselling for depression and social anxiety but I keep getting pushed from one counsellor to another. It doesn't seem to be working for me.

It now seems to late for me to start dating. Most people my age want to settle down whereas I've not experienced any casual dating/relationships. I've resigned myself to being single and not having a family.

I find the dating sites totally intimidating and superficial. They are probably my only hope of meeting someone, but I find them totally offputting. At this stage, I really don't know what to do. A lack of intimacy has left me despondant, frustrated and worthless.

I don't really know what I'm asking here as there are so many issues. I've spoke through these with my counsellor but as you can read, no progress is happening.

I guess it is just that with today being NYE I'm reflecting on another wasted year and no sign of any improvement.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Can you focus on the good and what you have achieved? Plenty people wish they could form a gummy habit and give up after a few sessions if they even make it to that point. Look most people might seem to be in happy relationships or so Facebook and the likes would like to lead us to believe. Plenty would give their right arm to be free and single. Perhaps Internet dating isn't for you, it certainly wouldn't be for me. What about meetup.com groups in your area, you already workout so maybe something sports or fitness related. Seems like a more likely and less stressful, more genuine way to meet folk?

jopax

Would you just consider to try to make new friends in general whether they be male or female.

If you have a nice group of different types of friends it will open up more doors to meeting a romantic relationship.

I would forget all about meeting someone, just concentrate on yourself and having fun.

When you are having more fun & enjoyment in your life, you will draw people to you.

Work on your self esteem and put yourself out there & just enjoy what happens.

LegacyUser

OP , Tonight is the night! The end of the old year and the beginning of the new.
It is a great time to look forwards and backwards and change the things you want to change and retain all that is good.
I assume fom your post that you are at home stuck all alone. So am I, but dead happy about it and feel my life is well sorted, because I do what I want for me, not what someone else thinks I should do.
I would encourage you to make an (achievable) list of what you want to change in your life in 2015. You may choose to make this list privately or even better post your list here (Mods permitting) and see how other boardsies can help and advise you.
Then hopefully over the next few months you can start to tick the boxes as your goals are achieved and always come back here for our support and advice as needed.

LegacyUser

Would you just consider to try to make new friends in general whether they be male or female.

That is easier said than done. I do try, but I have few interests and even at that when I do put myself out there I've not formed any friendships.

What about meetup.com groups in your area

I've looked at the meetups in my area and TBH none of them interest me.

I would encourage you to make an (achievable) list of what you want to change in your life in 2015.

Again, I've tried this before, along with clubs, courses and invting people at work out. All to no avail.

The annoying thing for me is that I know I'm giving up. I can feel the life being sucked out of me as I get older and older - I feel that I'm now much closer now to existing rather an living.

I don't know how to stop it. None of my family are social darlings, so I just don't know how to do it.

santana75

lonely_123 wrote: »

It now seems to late for me to start dating. Most people my age want to settle down whereas I've not experienced any casual dating/relationships. I've resigned myself to being single and not having a family.

I find the dating sites totally intimidating and superficial. They are probably my only hope of meeting someone, but I find them totally offputting. At this stage, I really don't know what to do. A lack of intimacy has left me despondant, frustrated and worthless.

Jesus Op have a read over what Ive quoted.......that is massively defeatist and negative. I dont know what has transpired in your life to bring you to the point where you're saying these horrible things to yourself but you can stop this from going any further. You're acting like a victim with no power but thats not the case, you have control over this and your life even if you dont see that right now. You can turn this around for sure, dont allow even one more day to go by where youre allowing yourself to fall into this hole. Its all about your thinking, for whatever reason yours has become toxic and very down and when you think like that it means this is th vibe you send out to the world. And when you send out that kind of vibe then this is exactky what you'll get back. Its actually really a simple problem to solve, conceptually anyway. You have to change your thinking and you have to change how you see and interpret things. Your mind is a great tool but it can become a very negative weapon you can use against yourself. But you get a choice, thats the good news. You get to choose exactly how you interpret things and what you say to yourself. When youre thinking is as toxic as yours is right now you're not gonna attract helathy people into your life, it doesnt work that way. You have to invest in yourself and be determined that this is not a battle youre gonna lose. If you do that I promise you'll turn your life around. But if you keep telling yourself things the negative things you said in your post then you're dead in the water. Please see that this is something you can change but you have to work on yourself and change your thinking and attitude. It has nothing to do with making friends or having a girlfriend, those are things that are way down the road and are the icing on the cake. The cake is your relationship with yourself and right now yours is pretty bad.
Stay away from internet dating for a start, its inherently flawed. People respond to your energy and the vibe you give out and this is something you can only communicate face to face or in the same vicinity as other people. Theres no way you can pick up that kind of thing from a few lines of text on a screen. Plus I know somebody who used to work for an internet dating company and she said the failure rate is colossal. Those stories you hear of people getting married through internet dating, those are the exception, the very very rare exception. So youre wasting your time Im afraid. The only way to meet somebody is in the flesh, the old fashioned way, which means you have to get out and about.
But dont get out and about just to meet someone, do it because you wanna live your life and not be stuck at home. Do it for yourself, thats what investing in you means.
But like I said you have to start changing your thinking first and foremost. Trust me if you decide to do this the universe will conspire to give you what you want and need. But you're end of the deal is to be brave and always push forward, even if youre scared ****less, just keep pushing out of your comfort zone. And always be kind to yourself, be positive and tell yourself its all up for grabs, nothing is preordained and you can turn it around no matter what.

sporter1

Do you have the opportunity to travel ? Even if its for a couple of weeks,there are some good backpacker holidays out there.Ideal for a single person where the tour operator will organise different activities.Its a great way of meeting people.

secondcap

Yeah I think you have series esteem issues which wouldn't be fixed by a girlfriend, Maybe you should try counselling? this could really help you and if you love yourself then everything else becomes a lot easier, It may sound clichéd but we can only fix ourselves and be happy in our own skins at the end of the day.

I wouldnt totally write off internet dating, I use it and yes it is flawed and frustrating at times but even if you went on a few dates it would give you some confidence but the thing is you would have to sort out your esteem and confidence issues

Perhaps what you should make you goal is "Am I happy to be on my own and experience things that way??? Then if someone comes along it will be a bonus.

Try and relax a little and be patient with yourself

Minderbinder

Have you considered getting a TEFL certificate and going to Asia. I was similar to you and found social life in Ireland depressing, largely because I don't like drinking. Going to live in another country gave me a huge amount of freedom and confidence. I'm in China now where any white skinned man can have their pick of women, and from what I've seen your age group is the most popular among local girls. Your life sounds miserable - try something new.

trihead

Have you considered going to see a life coach? I was very dubious of the profession if I'm honest but I have seen massive changes /improvements in a friend of mine who tried it out and was very similar to you ( I have no experience of one). Use an accredited one though if you are going to try it out.

LegacyUser

I am you from the future, ( rather you are me from a couple of years ago), similar ages. Nothing has changed in my life, I'm socially awkward from a lifetime of social anxiety, I go back home at weekends to the parents. How I think about myself has changed. I thought the same as you, the what if's and if only's and I'd be a different person, happy, like all those happy people around me, with their friends and lovers. You are not the person you think you are, and trying to outthink that persistent view of the world from within is trying to rebuild yourself with some really useless tools.
The key for me was not counselling which preached 'acceptance' but mindfulness which let me understand that the mind and self are distinct entities, and I've been beat down by an abusive relationship with my mind (that inner voice) for 20+ years.

Can you join a group in your gym, is there a running group - if you are into running, or athletics club. There are a lot of good people out there, some have this gift to make people feel inclusive, others will just yap away to anyone. Give yourself a goal with a timeframe, apply that gym training to something.
I set a goal to travel, I was glad I did it but I packed my troubles with me. I guess that happiness is a state of mind and not something that can be acquired externally but you can make yourself happy, just as you are making yourself unhappy.

Are you male or female? I think you'd want a very strong sense of yourself to put yourself onto a dating website, you are in a negative space already, you'll interpret any lack of interest negatively as well. I'm a guy and have recently signed up to online dating, well, four months without a photo as well (got absolutely no interest, which is understandable) and I've gone on my first first date! Fcuking delighted with myself. It went terribly by the way, two of us just did not click but I didn't judge herself or myself, **** happens. Before this I'd have beaten myself up over it.

The future is not written.

aidanki

trihead wrote: »

Have you considered going to see a life coach? I was very dubious of the profession if I'm honest but I have seen massive changes /improvements in a friend of mine who tried it out and was very similar to you ( I have no experience of one). Use an accredited one though if you are going to try it out.

any names for a life coach ?

KJohnson7780

I'm in the same, so you're not alone. i'm 25 years old, no friends or social no boyfriend. I have no idea what to do with my life. It's so hard to look around and watch everyone else so happy in relationships & with friends etc (I know that sounds really selfish but thats how i feel)