Sex fizzling out

LegacyUser

Hi

Looking for some advice. I'm upset & confused and think my relationship is probably over but would appreciate an outsider's perspective.

I am a 34 year old female and my boyfriend is 36. We have been together 2.5 years and in most ways are extremely happy together. We get on incredibly well, have a great laugh together and have built a lovely life together. We have similar interests and similar life goals and I feel like i've never met anybody quite like him. We have had what I would describe as one or two minor speed bumps over the past few years but from an early stage I was sure he was the one for me and we would go the distance and he has always said the same.

We moved in together very quickly and from an early stage have discussed getting married etc. I'm pretty certain he hasn't proposed yet because he isn't in as good a financial position as I am (he has changed careers so professionally has taken a few steps back). I'm not in a rush to get married so this has not been an issue for me - I would rather it happened at a time when he felt like we were more equal.

As things stand I pick up all the bigticket items i.e. rent, holidays, the bigger bills, while he pays for the smaller bills and everyday stuff like groceries are split fairly evenly. We've never really discussed this and it doesn't bother me as I see us as a team and that his career move will benefit the team in the end. I suspect that as a guy he is a bit uncomfortable with the financial situation but maybe not - he never really brings it up and I definitely don't let on to my friends or family (who all adore him) how the finances work as I wouldn't like anybody to even think of him as taking advantage/not pulling his weight.

Anyway this is all just background as my query is really about our sexlife. When we first met it was pretty hot and like most people at that stage we were at it all the time. I was slightly concerned that his sexdrive was higher than mine (like everyday) but we seemed to settle down to maybe 3 times a week after the first 6 months or so. He seemed more experienced than me and more into trying different stuff which I would generally be open to but I guess I would not really suggest myself. I'm not a total prude or anything - in fact i would be quite into dirty talk which he isn't at all.

About a year into the relationship there was an incident where I found that he had exchanged a few saucy texts with an ex. I know nothing came of it (she lives abroad) and I am as sure as a person could be that there has been nothing like this since - he was thoroughly apologetic and ashamed of himself and explained it away as just boredom. He had just lost his job and was feeling a bit low so I rationalised it away as being down to that.

Everything else about the relationship has been amazing but over the last year the sex has dwindled down to 1-2 times a week and has become very vanilla/formulaic. I think this is because he became quite lazy about it and in turn I did too as i felt it wasn't fair for me to be putting in all the work i.e. he stopped going down on me so i stopped too (about 3-6 months later).

I should say that he has always ever so slightly tended towards being selfish in bed - not to be explicit but penetration would never get me there (though i do really enjoy it) so something else would be required for me to finish. This would frustrate him a bit which leads me to believe his past girlfriends probably faked it at least a bit as I know none of my friends consistently orgasm just from penetration. He really turns me on and is good at making me come but sometimes gives the impression that its a chore.

Anyway things have come to a head as I wanted to get our sexlife back on track but he wasn't really engaging. He acknowledges that there is an issue but says that everything else in the relationship is perfect so he had pushed it to the back of his mind. He won't really speak about it and gets a bit emabarrassed about any explicit conversation.

He says the sexual spark is gone and he doesn't know how to get it back but at the same time he doesn't want to break up and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (continuing to have average sex, not just as friends). I would agree that things aren't amazing but i think a certain amount of that is just complacency 2.5 years into a relationship. This is his longest relationship so i don't know if he has unrealistic expectations. I would be happy having sex twice a week if we were both really into it and getting something out of it but i would be happy to have more also.

He can't/won't talk about how we can fix things - i've suggested porn, sex toys etc but he doesn't seem to want to try. He is still masturbating which i think is totally natural but shouldn't be instead of sex with me (he didn't masturbate at all at the start of the relationship as he always wanted to be ready to go with me).

We fought about it on Stephen's Day and i told him to go away and think about it and not come back until he had some suggestions/ was able for a proper conversation. He came back the next day and said he was desperate to make things work. We had a couple of lovely days together (as we always do) and 2 hum-ho sex sessions. I tried to talk to him about it and again he wouldn't/couldn't engage so i've asked him to leave - he just clammed up and I lost my temper.

I don't know if one/both of us is being unrealistic. Is it possible to get the spark back once it's gone?

He says he is happy to continue the relationship as is but i think that long term he will leave as he will want passionate sex in his life. I think he loves me but maybe doesn't fancy me anymore. Not to be big headed but i am an attractive girl and i get plenty of attention when i go out without him so i don't know what to do.

I love this man dearly and may not be expressing myself very well as i am devastated at the idea of a life without him. The thought of being single depresses me but the idea of starting over in 5 years time is far worse so maybe i just need to be strong and end it now.

Your thoughts are appreciated but please be gentle!

Sorry this is so long winded.

Augme

I'd end it. A few things...

1. When he texted his ex I would have finished it. The whole "boredom" and "feeling low" was such a terrible excuse. If I was with someone and after a year they weren't sexual satisfied with me then I'd end it then.

2. The fact he has no interest in changing how it currently would be the deal breaker for me. Who wants a life of **** sex? No one. Why would you put up with that? Honestly so many men would be absolutely thrilled if their attracted girlfriend brought up the idea of watching porn and sex toys(well certain ones) into a relationship so the fact your fella has zero interest is pretty odd I think.

3. I know you said be gentle but I think it's only fair I be somewhat harsh to help deliver the point so you'll make the right decision. Have you thought that maybe he's with you because you pay for the majority of big stuff and your attractive? I mean it sounds like he's got a pretty perfect situation. He's financially covered, has a trophy girlfriend he can show off, and he has gotten his kicks from texting (and who knows what else) other people.

4. It's possible he's doing this so you will dump him. So people hate breaking up with people so much they go to ridiculous lengths to make the relationship unworkable just so they avoid being the one to end it.

For me I wouldn't care how amazing my partner is. The thoughts of a life-time of crap sex at 34 would be far to frightening a prospect for me to stick with it. Get out OP, you could do so much better and be much happier.

derstern

I agree with the above poster. He's in the relationship but isn't willing it make it better - so why bother? Things aren't going to get better with time - they'll get worse.

Cut your losses, get out and be with someone who can't keep their hands off you and pays their way.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Regardless of the sex life or financial position do you not think he should contribute towards rent? If not able to finance 50% at least a decent contribution towards it? Has this been the case since you moved in together, that's taking the absolute p*ss. Between that and the holidays and the "big ticket" items I think you might be being taken for a mug.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I would add:-

* it had occurred to me that he just didn't have the guts to end it himself and he was trying to force my hand. He claims this is absolutely not the case and that I mean the world to him etc etc. I have been clear that either we work on the sex or we're done.

* i genuinely don't think he is taking advantage of me financially. All going well his career change could seriously pay off long term so when i think we're in it for the long haul i dont mind shouldering the burden now ( i can afford to). Re rent, we live in a flat owned by my family so while i pay the rent i will one day inherit the apartment so it is more my home than his in a way. He could afford to pay something towards the rent but it would mean that our quality of life would lower i.e. less dinners out etc. I would rather funds went on stuff like that and not have to obvioulsy be the one to pick up the tab for our social life as i think men find this emasculating.

* i agree that at 34 i'm too young to resign myself to average sex (it would be harsh to say its worse than that) but i also see the pool of single men that are out there and there's no guarantee that i would meet anybody else, let alone fall for them like i have for him. I have been in relationships where the sex was amazing but nothing else was and i'm reluctant to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I think its unlikely but if he were to come back and genuinely want to work on the sex does anybody think you can get the spark back?

Thanks again

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

I disagree with the other posters about "ending it". You might well come to that conclusion but I didn't get that from your posts.

For all of our bravado, smutty humour, gung-ho what-not - I don't think we (men) are very good at talking about sex, maybe in the abstract but not up and personal. Just my view.;)

This book was recommended to us by a GP in UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0749929138/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_S_ttl?_encoding=UTF8&colid=1ZK19I0CYXVXL&coliid=IYHHSCQWIX1LJ

Its one of those that you can read a few snippets of before buying. Aside from the mechanics it may give you some ideas about the conversation. Leave it lying around maybe ...

Wish you all the very best OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your comment Buona Fortuna. I had a quick look at that link on amazon and it seems to be more about helping women achieve orgasm which isn't really the issue.

Thanks again anyway

Buona Fortuna

Hi again Tomsam

I'm not trying to sell the book but some the headings:

• Ways to avoid putting pressure on yourself / OH
• Encouraging support
• Concerns from a woman's point
• concerns from a man's
• Communication

I just think there's more to the book than the big O.

Anyway all the very best and HNY.

Augme

tomsam wrote: »

I think its unlikely but if he were to come back and genuinely want to work on the sex does anybody think you can get the spark back?

I think it's definitely possible to get the spark. But I think the chances of him genuinely wanting to do it are zero. I'd say it's very common for couples to lose the spark for various reasons and I think a lot of men would feel uncomfortable bringing it up. But if there is to be a future I think when it's mentioned that there needs to be an immediate agreement by both parties that they want to bring back the spark and a honest effort made to bring it back. The problem for you is that your partner has zero interest in bringing the spark back. And if he turns around and says he does I think it will be solely because he doesn't want to lose you and not because he actually wants to get the spark back. I honestly can see you simply facing the same issue another year or so down the line.

cactusgal

That's a toughie, OP. I feel for you. It's really hard sometimes to give advice on other people's relationships, because I can never really know or appreciate what yours is like, and vice versa. But as someone from the outside looking in, I'll share my thoughts:

1. First and foremost, the sexting with his ex would be a dealbreaker for me, sorry. You were only together a year, total honeymoon stage, and he broke your trust. I presume he was living off you / your family's dime when he did this?

2. Which brings me to my next point. No educated, 36 year old adult, male or female, should be living off their partner. Did you two move in very quickly because it was cheaper for him? I see where you're coming from by saying that you see each other as a team, and that you're paying for the big stuff now with a view to having him invest at some point in the future, but I know I'd never pay for rent, holidays, and other "big ticket" items for someone who was just 2.5 year boyfriend. More importantly, though, I wouldn't like being with a guy who'd willingly leech off me or my family, either. Sorry.

3. Is he truly willing to work on your relationship? If you truly love each other, it's worth working on, but only if he's willing to put in the effort. Is he? He's in a very comfortable position, will he move back in with his parents if things don't work out?

4. Taking everything into consideration, I'd have another talk with him, setting out all of your concerns. Give yourself a timeline - 3 to 6 months. If things don't significant improve within that time, I'd cut my losses.

5. Finally, 34 is not old. You're attractive, you've a good career, and your own home. You have a lot going for you. After having several long term (but ultimately unsuccessful) long term relationships myself, I met the best BEST boyfriend ever at age 36 and haven't looked back. I'm so glad I didn't stay with my crappy ex-boyfriend for fear of not being able to meet someone else.

Like I said, I can't tell you what to do. You sound like a really nice girl who's a great catch, as my mom would say! The best of luck with your decision, I hope you do what's best for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks Cactusgal

I think he will come back and say that he wants to work on things but i'm not sure i can believe him. I think Augme might be right in that i'll just lose another 6 months or whatever to him.

To be fair i think i should point out that he more than pulls his weight in non-financial terms i.e. he pretty much runs the house, cleaning, cooking etc so the finances were never really an issue for me.

Re the sexting, it was with a girl he went out with years ago and when i found it i went back through the entire thread of texts between them and they were in touch maybe 3/4 times a year and it was generally all boring catching up stuff and just once there were 2/3 texts along the lines of do you rememebr the time we.... and then it all went back to very boring texts. I know they haven't been in touch since but i am aware that this really comes across as defending the indefensible.

I think i probably sound pathetic but i can't explain how heartbroken i am. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and the life i thought was opening out in front of me with the love of my life is disappearing.

I'm definitely wallowing a bit and while on the one hand i can't imagine ever wanting to meet somebody else and risk feeling like this again, i assume i'll get past it at some stage. I have to say though Cactusgal, in my experience, a good career, your own home etc definitely go against you with guys unless they have a better career and a nicer home so that they don't feel bad about themselves - with my boyfriend he had alot going for himself when we met and its really down to his career change that he isn't a high flier.

Thanks again for your comments.

Feel like such a loser.

cactusgal

Thanks for your reply. You are NOT a loser! And the right guy will be impressed by your achievements, believe me.

Don't give up hope yet, for either result. You are being honest with yourself about your relationship, which is hugely important. I still think, give it one last shot, be completely honest with each other, set a sensible deadline, and then make a decision. Don't do anything until you're ready.

R.D. aka MR.D

tomsam wrote: »

it seems to be more about helping women achieve orgasm which isn't really the issue.

Your post mentions that he is selfish in bed and you need something extra to help you achieve orgasm. I think most women do, myself included but you can learn (without going into graphic detail, here) how to help yourself along so the pressure isn't all on him to please you.

It kind of sounds like you put a lot of pressure on him to 'fix' the problem. Maybe you guys could find a way to work together to get things back on track. You say you've suggested things and he's rejected them but maybe it was your approach.

He obviously loves you so would he be open to some couples counselling so you guys can improve your communication?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply RD.

I think it is up to both of us to make sure we are both happy in bed. I have tried being supportive and gently trying to nudge him along towards telling me what could improve things i.e. i want things to be better for him too but he can't/won't make any suggestions. I take your point that it could well be my approach but I would say that when he came back after the fight on Stephen's Day i was very clear that i thought this was something to fix together and he was grateful that i was being so understanding about the whole thing.

If i am really honest i think that either he is into something kinky that he feels he can't explore with me or he just doesn't fancy me anymore. I met him when i was just about to head on hols so was at what would probably be my lowest normal weight for me so on average i would say i am about 5lbs heavier than when we first met but at times this would creep up to 8-10lbs heavier but then again around holidays i would be back to where i was when i met him. I do get plenty of attention when i am out and am a size 12 but this is all making me doubt myself. Though the stress & upset of all of this is killing any appetite so at least that's something!

I did lose my temper in the fight a few days later which isn't helpful but it is so incredibly frustrating to be met with a wall of silence. He wouldn't engage so i told him to leave and not to come back unless he was willing to talk. I am back in work from today so i've told him that if he's not in a position to constructively engage on this he needs to clear out his stuff before the weekend while i'm gone and leave his keys. I haven't heard a peep from him since he left (i was visibly very upset when he went so i think he knows how serious this is). I'm starting to think that he will just come and get his stuff and that will be it.

If he does want to try and work things out i still think that maybe he should move out. Seeing some of this written down is making me think that maybe he's getting more out of this relationship than he's putting in and maybe he needs to go back and live with his parents for a while. When the whole sexting thing came up that was my gut feeling but it felt like such a step in the wrong direction that i suppose i chickened out.

I should say that there was never an active decision to move in together - when we met he had recently moved back home after living in Cork for a few years & given that a career change was on the horizon he would probably have just stayed at home. When we started dating we obviously never stayed in his parents house and he just gradually stayed over more and more. This suited me as i lived alone (in my family's place), near my work, my friends etc and i hate living out of a bag when you are spending half your time at somebody else's place. It gradually developed into him being in my place 7 nights which was fine with me as we were so happy. To be fair it has also always suited me to keep the household bills etc in my name as i would always have been conscious that if we broke up i wouldn't want to have to deal with any potential claim against my family property - this is absolutely no reflection on him but i have seen it happen to a family member so we would all be very conscious of this.

I can see how from the outside i might look like a total mug (& maybe i am) but i am smart, well educated etc etc and it genuinely never felt like that to me.

Thanks again