Lost contact with friend

LegacyUser

I used to be friends with a guy that I went to secondary school with (that was twenty-four years ago). He has worked in Dublin since he finished college while I have lived down the country. In spite of this I kept in regular touch with him in my twenties. In my thirties I lost touch with him for about five years over something stupid. It was my fault; I just stopped talking to him because I went back to college to do a full-time degree and I just wanted to focus on that and not have any distractions. I was also a bit embarrassed because the field I was working in kind of came to a messy end. I never had a fight with him, I just stopped answering his calls until he didn't call anymore. It was a s****y thing to do and I feel bad about it even now.
However around 2008 I got back in touch with him again and we were fairly friendly for a couple of years. He genuinely didn't seem to harbour any resentment to me for blanking him for five years. I think he kind of understood this was something I needed to do. The last time I spoke to him was 2011 when I went to see a gig in Dublin with him. After it was over we were just chatting back in his apartment with his wife and he said "Erm, are you getting the train?" (as I was going back home by train). That sounded like he was trying to get rid of me so I left early but I must stress not on any bad terms. After that I got the impression maybe he found me boring or something so I said to myself I would leave it to him for the next time to get in touch (it was almost always me who instigated contact anyway). However he never did so it is kind of a weird situation in that I have not had a bust-up with him, we just sort of drifted apart. I am sure he is not really bothered about it because I am not really riveting company to be honest so I can understand why he wouldn't want to be friendly with me.He kind of gravitates towards people in the higher echelons of society as he works in really interesting job. I don't really "fit" with him anymore.
I don't blame him for not wanting to get in touch as most people find me boring.
Maybe he was still p****d over me blanking him for five years and was getting his revenge, I don't know. I thought it was fairly rude what he said in the apartment that time, I certainly wouldn't have said anything like that to someone (even if they were boring me) but as I say I don't bear any grudges, I can kind of see why he said it. It wasn't any worse than what I did to him anyway.
I started to think about it again because both our parents are getting on in years and when they die (which hopefully won't be for a long, long time) then I will have to go to the funeral (or visa-versa). I will feel a bit nervous about this because of the situation I have outlined.
It's a stupid situation really, I would get in touch with him again but too long a time has passed since we last spoke (three years) so it feels a but weird. I am sure he has loads of other interesting friends and doesn't miss me in the slightest.
Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill?

bee06

If he wanted to be friends with you he would hav already got in touch. To be honest after you ignoring his calls etc the first time I'm sure he wouldn't go trying to keep the friendship going the second time. I don't understand why you would feel obligated to got to his parents funeral if they died or vice versa as you are not friends anymore. Move on.

dixiefly

You could be specualting until you are blue in the face.

if this is a friendship that YOU would like to pursue or at the very least maintain contact then today is a perfect day to sen a Happy New Year text with a comment asking would he be interested in meeting in the new year. See how he responds and how willing he is in making an arrangement.

Mick Murdock

I'd disagree. It sounds like the friendship has past its sell by date and you should both move on. If somebody makes you feel 'boring' and unworthy of their friendship (a lot of the time this is in your own head) then what is the point? It's never too late to make new friends with similar interests.


Sounds like you could do with working on your self esteem a little. If you're uncomfortable going to the funeral, don't go. They'll most likely not notice anyway.

Good luck.

Stavro Mueller

It looks like you're flogging a dead horse here. My impression reading this is that your friendship in later years was based more on him being polite to you than anything else. I don't think he dislikes you but I doubt he's missing your friendship. It's telling that you were the one initiating contact and that when you decided not to do this any more, you heard no more from him. That comment in the apartment I would take as being what you'd say to someone when they're wearing out their welcome. Or to take it to the extreme, Fr Stone in that episode of Fr Ted [Apologies if that reference flies over your head]

I'm guessing you're wanting to reach out to him again because you're lonely, right? You've got to be if you're saying things like "Most people find me boring" and "I am not really riveting company to be honest". You've also placed this guy on something of a pedestal which is never a good ingredient for a healthy friendship. I doubt you're as boring as you think you are. It's sad that you don't value yourself and that you're putting yourself on the back foot when you meet people.

Really you'd be better off trying to make new friends rather than clinging to a friendship that may have worked 25 years ago but isn't now. People change a lot, especially in their twenties so it may just be that the two of you aren't compatible any more. I'm sure despite you thinking you're boring, you've got things that interest you. That could be the gateway towards you meeting people you've got more in common with.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

It looks like you're flogging a dead horse here. My impression reading this is that your friendship in later years was based more on him being polite to you than anything else.

I would say this is correct.

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I don't think he dislikes you but I doubt he's missing your friendship. It's telling that you were the one initiating contact and that when you decided not to do this any more, you heard no more from him. That comment in the apartment I would take as being what you'd say to someone when they're wearing out their welcome. Or to take it to the extreme, Fr Stone in that episode of Fr Ted [Apologies if that reference flies over your head]

Heh,I know what you are referring to. I know I am boring but I really hope I wouldn't be as boring as Father Stone :-) I don't think I was outstaying my welcome that time, I had only been there a short time.

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I'm guessing you're wanting to reach out to him again because you're lonely, right?

Not really no. I have other friends, I am not relying on him for friendship. It's just if some situation comes about where I have to meet him again (like a funeral) I will feel awkward.

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

You've got to be if you're saying things like "Most people find me boring" and "I am not really riveting company to be honest". You've also placed this guy on something of a pedestal which is never a good ingredient for a healthy friendship. I doubt you're as boring as you think you are. It's sad that you don't value yourself and that you're putting yourself on the back foot when you meet people.

Really you'd be better off trying to make new friends rather than clinging to a friendship that may have worked 25 years ago but isn't now. People change a lot, especially in their twenties so it may just be that the two of you aren't compatible any more. I'm sure despite you thinking you're boring, you've got things that interest you. That could be the gateway towards you meeting people you've got more in common with.

I have actually made more friends (not many because I am not a person who feels the need to surround myself with people continuously). I am sure if I met him we would have a lot to talk about because we always got on well.

To the poster who said I should not feel obligated to got to his parents funeral; I would be obligated really because he is originally from near the same locality as me. My parents and his know each other so that makes it more sensitive.

Matteroffact

You have had an on/off sort of friendship with this guy and now he is married so he doesn't have as much time to think about you as you have to think about him. I really do not think that he was trying to get rid of you in the apartment that night, he was just reminding you about your train in case you missed it, that's all. I don't think he finds you boring, it is just that he has other fish to fry now. I would see no harm in you contacting him and just play it by ear. Don't think too much about how he reacts, my guess is that he would like to hear from you, but he may not be in a position now to have an ongoing friendship with you whereby you meet up every week. Just be prepared for that and don't take offence if the friendship is not renewed.

AckwelFoley

You weren't exactly the model friend by your own admission because you had priorities and he wasn't one of them. He now has his priorities and when you get married and into that stage of your life you do have less time.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. If he wants to contact you he will. It's a tricky stage of life you are in with frends..people are off getting married and kids..and trust me time is at a premium

thefeatheredcat

william_2014 wrote: »

I started to think about it again because both our parents are getting on in years and when they die (which hopefully won't be for a long, long time) then I will have to go to the funeral (or visa-versa). I will feel a bit nervous about this because of the situation I have outlined.
It's a stupid situation really, I would get in touch with him again but too long a time has passed since we last spoke (three years) so it feels a but weird. I am sure he has loads of other interesting friends and doesn't miss me in the slightest.
Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill?

william_2014 wrote: »

To the poster who said I should not feel obligated to got to his parents funeral; I would be obligated really because he is originally from near the same locality as me. My parents and his know each other so that makes it more sensitive.

I actually wouldn't get in touch with him at all, unless there is a clear indication and intention and effort on your part to start a friendship with him and an interest in that from him If you have no intention on being friends with him, then leave him be. There's no point just popping up and in and out of his life whenever it suits you, just for the sake of it.

I think you're worrying about something that should really be dealt with at the time. I know it's a definite thing that you will have to deal with, however, I don't see the use in worrying about maintaining a friendship with someone that you don't really want a friendship with just so that things are more than polite at a funeral. Some encounters in life are just always going to be awkward and uncomfortable, all that really matters is how it is dealt with at the time with a hope in being dealt with the best possible way.

bee06

william_2014 wrote: »

To the poster who said I should not feel obligated to got to his parents funeral; I would be obligated really because he is originally from near the same locality as me. My parents and his know each other so that makes it more sensitive.

Do you really think your "friend" will be thinking, oh William, how I haven't spoken to in X number of years didn't show up to the funeral? No, they'll have more important things to worry about and I would hope you would if it's the other way around.

Aimeee

I was intrigued to read your final paragraph as I've had this exact same thought about a friend's parents. We are no longer friends, didn't end well but there was no way to avoid it as far as I could see. I've come to the conclusion that I'll know what to do when funeral time comes. I would be mortified if she refused to shake hands though. I've seen someone do this once at a funeral and not sure I could take it myself. Don't think you'll find yourself in that situation though, your friend sounds like a polite guy and if he's operating in the upper echelons appearance and etiquette will be important.
Also as someone said when the time comes there will be much more on his plate and same for you.
Best of luck moving on. It's hard but I've come to accept that it's just life.

Stavro Mueller

The thing is, this guy doesn't actually dislike you. My take on this is that he moved on with his life, made new friends and you got bumped down into the "friendly acquaintance" shelf. The guy's married, perhaps has children by now. His life has changed quite a bit. Over the past 20 years or so he has probably made friends he has more in common with than you. Friendships fizzle out all the time and there's no great drama involved at all. I don't believe it'll make any great different to him whether you do or don't go to his parent's funeral to be quite honest.

LegacyUser

Aimeee wrote: »

I was intrigued to read your final paragraph as I've had this exact same thought about a friend's parents. We are no longer friends, didn't end well but there was no way to avoid it as far as I could see. I've come to the conclusion that I'll know what to do when funeral time comes. I would be mortified if she refused to shake hands though. I've seen someone do this once at a funeral and not sure I could take it myself. Don't think you'll find yourself in that situation though, your friend sounds like a polite guy and if he's operating in the upper echelons appearance and etiquette will be important.
Also as someone said when the time comes there will be much more on his plate and same for you.
Best of luck moving on. It's hard but I've come to accept that it's just life.

Oh he wouldn't do that at all, he's a sound guy really in spite of the incident in the apartment. Some people have said it's because he has married. I don't know about that as I have one good friend who is married with four kids and he is always getting in touch with me to meet up (the guy I am posting about doesn't have children). However that friend lives near me and the other guy lives in Dublin as I have said.
I suppose I just started to think about it because it is Christmas and you start to think about old friends at that time of year. Then the funeral thing came into my head and I went "Oh s*** what will I do then?". I have a tendency to over-analyse things anyway. I worry too much about all kinds of things even though I am probably worrying unnecessarily. As someone else on the thread said some encounters in life are just always going to be awkward and uncomfortable. It happens to other people too and they shrug their shoulders and don't dwell on it like I am doing.
I won't get in touch with him though as I feel he has moved on and isn't too bothered as he has plenty other friends anyway.