Al Anon - is it worthwhile?

MrsPee

I am married to a non drinking alcoholic (and he was also addicted to prescription meds) with a short time and we have a three month old baby. While he is a great man in many ways he has a lot of problems and its safe to say that he's now driving me around the twist. I had a horrendous time during the pregnancy with him and now that our beautiful baby is here his nastiness and melt downs have intensified. When our baby was 6 weeks old I spoke to his parents as I really thought he was having a nervous breakdown. His whole family got involved and reckoned that it was I who was suffering from post natal depression and not him perhaps losing his mind (despite a history of inpatient stays in psychiatric hospitals). Now I'm like a pariah in the family and his treatment of me has worsened. I've no one to turn to. It's so crazy that no one believes me. Outwardly he's the doting dad and husband. I've spent the whole Christmas period being sick - firstly with a cold as I'm so run down and now with vomiting and diarrhoea which I'm convinced is due to the stress of the situation I'm living in. Can anyone tell me if Al Anon would be any good in this situation or would it be a complete waste of time? Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

Al-Anon can't change your situation. It's a support group where you will meet other people who live with alcoholics in their lives. It will be an outlet for you. It will be a support for you, but it won't change your husband.

You mention his family, what about your own? His family will side with him. They will think that you as his wife should be more supportive etc.. Whereas your family will be more likely to listen to your side and give you some support.

Going to Al-Anon won't do you any harm, it may give you some coping strategies and more of an understanding of why he behaves the way he does. But it won't give you a miracle cure.

Starokan

I think it would help , my knowledge is limited with regard to what they do but know some people who availed of the support groups and they took a lot from them.

Unfortunately it will not change your husband and if you are correct in your assessment of his behaviour then he is being very manipulative in turning others against you. What you have here is two opposing viewpoints , he says you are suffering from post natal depression , you think he may be approaching a nervous breakdown. Perhaps you would both benefit by sitting with a couples counsellor and letting someone independent try and help you both. More than likely he will be resistant to this but it could be worth a shot.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hey OP,

I can relate to your post only as being the child in the relationship.

My father was/is an alcoholic that doesn't drink now and is very active in AA. But he's worse now than when he was drinking. None of his behaviour changed but all you hear from the outside is 'oh isn't he great for stopping the drink.'

He's still a manipulative bully.

Al-anon is okay but they tend to be overly sympathetic to the 'disease' of alcoholism.

Would you have the time to go to counselling on your own?

The person that you should be most concerned about here is your child. Do you want them to grow up exposed to that kind of behaviour?

Do you have any support from your own family?

MrsPee

Thanks for the replies.

No, I can't turn to my family. They don't live near us and quite frankly would be absolutely horrified if they knew what was going on so much so I'm sure they'd intervene to take my baby from me if I remained here for any period.

My baby is my sole concern and believe me, I berate myself daily for bringing her into the world in such circumstances. She's so beautiful and happy and I really cannot bare to think of her having anything other than a happy childhood. My husband loves our daughter and can be very good with her but then he has these mad melt downs and all of that goes out the window. My daughter deserves to grow up with a sane mother and I'm afraid that what he's doing is going to have/has had a detrimental effect on my mental health. I don't know what to do. I'm trapped. Nobody will believe me. He and his family are upstanding members of our local community - captain of the golf club types - and he's quite well known through his job. Outwardly as I said he seems like the doting dad with his beautiful daughter who's married to this lovely young wife but behind closed doors its a different story. I want my marriage to work out. I just want to know how I can cope and support him. I will give it a finite period though but I'm really really miserable at present. All my friends were treated like princesses when they were pregnant/had just given birth but all I had was abuse and anger and intimidation. It makes me so sad.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would your family take your baby from you? Would they not help to get you BOTH out of the situation? You now have a daughter? Fast forward to her being in a similar relationship. Would you like her to keep it from you? Out of shame or fear? Or would you want her to tell you?

You need someone on your side. Whether that is your own family or a friend you can trust

anmhi02

Oh you poor thing. I so feel and understand where you are coming from. Exact same thing happened to me when I was pregnant andhad my son. Again most of his family thought it was me and not him. One of his more understanding sisters took me to al anon but I personally didn't find it was for me. Don't get me wrong, lovely people and all but it just wasn't for me. I have since met others who found it fantastic.
Please keep strong. Is there anyone at all you could turn to? I left my ex, took my son, made a new life and remarried a wonderful man,so there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Wishing you all the best for the new year and really hope you get some peace and help with this xx

MrsPee

I don't want to leave my husband without trying everything first. He's a good man in many ways and I owe it to my daughter to try everything to help the situation and her father before leaving. I was wondering if Al Anon would help me cope with the stress of it all. I desperately want things to be better.

R.D. aka MR.D

MrsPee wrote: »

I owe it to my daughter to try everything to help the situation and her father before leaving.

My mother stayed with my father through everything. She's still with him.

I have to fight every single day because of the damage that growing up in that house did to me. (Look into adult children of alcoholics and the struggles they face). My mother still maintains that it was what was best for us. We were better off than if we didn't have a father. But that's not true.

We wouldn't have dealt with the abuse that came our way from our father and our stressed out mother. You know how he is horrible and mean to you? He'll do that to your kids, too.

You're an adult and you can make the choice to walk out the door but your child doesn't have any choice.

All the love and good intentions in the world won't change him if he isn't willing to change. What can you try? Ultimatums rarely work in these cases. What's left?
Unless he is willing to take the steps to change himself, then nothing will change.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't have to leave your husband for ever. But you can leave for a time. To see does he really want to change. Does he love you and your daughter enough to make the changes necessary. If he does, fantastic. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

I know you want the best for your daughter... But do you think what you have now is the best? Nothing will change, unless something changes. And for as long as you carry on as normal, the more "normal" it will become. He has no reason or incentive to change.

......After all, you're the problem as far as he's concerned. Why should he change?

MrsPee

I think he does know that he's the problem but he just can't control it. After being extremely irrational and nasty last night he's as quiet as a puppy today bringing me tea and toast and offering to go to the chemist for me etc. there's no consistency in his behaviour. Like I said, he's very good in so many ways and we get on great sometimes but it's a Jekyll and Hyde situation and its increasingly difficult to handle. My poor, poor daughter being born into this. He tells me that I'm too immature (he's older than me) and that everyone has rows but they get over them in an adult like fashion. Now, I really don't think this is the case. This is more than having a disagreement about bringing out the rubbish as something so mundane as bringing out the rubbish descends into him insulting my job, my earnings, how I look after the baby, my accent, how I dress etc. unbelievably nasty and unnecessary. He gets irrationally stressed about money and blames me for not earning as much as various friends of his wives (even though these women are between 10-15 years further into their careers as they're older than me). And all of this could be triggered by the rubbish having to be taken out or the likes. It's totally insane. This societal obsession with post natal depression is really doing post partum females a disservice as anything we mention is written off as PND and not a genuine problem or concern.

Tigger99

Your last sentence in particular made me feel awful sad. It's great that people are more aware of post natal depression. The vast vast majority of men if they suspected pnd in their partner, would be doing everything in their power to help, not treating them like dirt. Not making them feel like you feel right now.

You are blaming this awareness because deep down you don't want to blame the real cause. Because then you'd have to be more proactive than you are being. I know that sounds harsh, but it's not meant to be. You are in a difficult place right now.

I have experience of Al Anon. It's big message is that you cannot control the behaviour/actions of others, only of your own actions. You can make a plan, you can ring women's aid, you can talk to friends, you can confide in family. But you cannot change him.

Big Bag of Chips

MrsPee, please have a look through some other threads here where people are dealing with addicts in their lives. My friend recently had to leave her husband with her 2 small children. Reading your description of him above you could actually be her posting.

Everything you say is so consistent with an addict. And yes, you can have supports in place, you can go to Al-Anon and better understand why he says and does the things that he does... But "understanding" won't stop him. It won't stop your daughter from growing up with a knot in her stomach worrying if something small she does causes him to shout at you, or her.

You can get all the support you feel you need. But unless he decides that he really does need to do something to change then your home life will just stay exactly the same. My friend's husband would do the same, cause mayhem and then think a cup of tea would make everything ok. And it did.... For 13 years, until she realised that no, a cup of tea doesn't make up for everything. And a cup of tea means nothing when she knows the next outburst is on it's way.

Al-Anon could definitely help you, but it won't help him.

Edit: By the way, you don't sound like equals in your marriage. So even if you got a great insight from Al-Anon do you think you would be confident enough to stand up to him and tell him that things need to change? It doesn't sound like you would. And even if you did, it sounds like he wouldn't take you seriously anyway. Trying to change things about yourself to compensate for someone else's behaviour can never work well. Basically what you are asking is will you learn how to walk on eggshells around him so that he doesn't get angry and fight with you. You might.... But you will be very unhappy doing it. Always sacrificing your own feelings in favour of his.

It's great that rather than walk away you want to try everything first.. But it needs two people to try. If only one is trying it will never be right.

marizpan

OP, you are in denial at how serious your situation is and that it is mostly out of your control.
You are not in control or responsible for your husbands behaviour or that of his family.
You would be doing your daughter a dis-service long term to remain in this relationship.
From your posts it is clear that you are normalising and justifying his behaviour, that's called enabling. If he is nice today, that does not in any way take from the fact that he was inappropriate yesterday.

Talk to your family and let them offer support. At the very least you should take a few weeks away and get some distance from the situation.
You seem to think that if you could cope better, then things would be better, you shouldn't have to cope with any of this.

You are in an abusive relationship, don't isolate yourself.

MaroonAndGreen

From my own personal experience, Al Anon isnt for everybody... after the experiences I had in numerous Al Anon groups I would advise anyone who asked me about them to stay away, but of course that is just my own experience and of course they are not all bad, I dont want to tar them all with the same brush...

I went to Al Anon and the environment I found was often not aimed at helping people with alcohol difficulties, but complaining about them... ie ''my husband came home drunk and did x,y and z.. cant believe he would do that, fcuk sake'' and getting the sympathy replies ''oh thats awful how are you putting up with that'' etc. and there were even occasions where people were being told to leave their homes by other members of Al Anon, and even spending evenings putting plans for this in place, where all they had to go on was the person's words in Al Anon.

Disappointingly I have often heard supposedly confidential things that were said in meetings talked about outside of Al Anon.

Thats my experience of it, but as I said above maybe thats just the groups I happened to go to, dont tar them all with the same brush, but just beware its not for everybody.