Need to get this off my chest

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've been thinking about posting here for months.... But always talk myself out of it. To be honest I'm terrified of what the response here will be to this.... But this has been haunting me for so long and I just need to get it off my chest.


I've tried to block this from my memory so much to the point that I genuinely can't remember the full details anymore so forgive me if this is a bit hazy...

Over 10 years ago I was a teenager in school I started chatting on an online chat forum for fun in school one day. At first we were all just doing it for fun in a free class. But somewhere along the line I gave my email address to a stranger. We started emailing each other and it transpired that he was much older than me.... In his 40s I think. I was 16 at the time.

I don't really remember too much of the details but I know I gave him my mobile number and he used to phone me and chat on the phone too. I remember that on a few occasions he would be me phone credit when I had none so that I could text him.
This makes me sound awful.... But I have to admit that I was playing him along for a while on some level in the sense that I liked him buying my phone credit. The emails/texts had a seedy sexual nature and this is where I really start to feel ashamed. But I don't ever remember the phone calls being that way... Although I really have blanked this out so much so maybe they were too.
He wanted to meet me in a hotel near my school one time and I agreed to do so but I never turned up. I feel bad about this and wonder why I even lead him on like this?

I know at some point he wantd me to send him photos of myself and I'm mortified and ashamed to admit that I did send him some suggestive photos... As far as I can remember I didn't send any nude photos... But did send suggestive ones in skimpy clothes. He sent me photos of himself totally nude. This is a huge regret for me.... I'm terrified to think that those photos are still out there.... That his wife might find them one day or he might get found out and someone might trace them back to me....
I think it was at this point that I didn't want to have anymore contact with him.... I changed my phone number and stopped contacting him and it eventually just went away.

Our contact was always email/calls/texts .... Never met in person. But I do know his name and enough information to be able to track him down now if I wanted to. This is what tortures me now.... My guilty conscious keeps bringing these memories back and making me feel like I should be reporting him.... I guess I'm terrified to think that he may still be trying to meet underage girls.... But at the same time he never really made me do anything that I didn't choose to do.... I was in the wrong too.

I have to admit I was going through a bit of a funny phase at the time and had a few other incidents with other boys my age at the time that I regretted and live to regret now.... But I suppose lots of teenagers go through these phases of confusion and awkwardness don't they?... Not that I'm excusing it either.

I had a boyfriend at the time and somehow we are actually still together and I love him so so dearly. So I feel such regret and remorse at all of this happening behind his back and he still does not know but I'm sure he would be disgusted if he found out... even if it was over a decade ago...

I don't even know what I'm looking for here .... I guess I just need to get this off my chest after it haunting me for so long...

piperh

Please let this go. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You were a child encouraged by an adult and he was in the wrong.

You sound like you were looking for and enjoying the attention but clearly had no intention of following it up. A lot of teenagers and adults go looking for attention in inappropriate ways but it doesn't make them a bad person.

Move on and enjoy the relationship you now have with your boyfriend.

Hannibal Smith

I hope typing it all out has helped you a little. If we were all held accountable for things we did when we were 16 we'd be screwed!

First thing is...he is never going to air those photos. He was 40, you were 16. It would look far worse for him than it ever would for you. I would say he has lkng deleted them. But if not he's certainly not going to be producing them to anyone.

Second, you have to let it go. You've no need to be punishing yourself. You engaged in something you thought you were ready for but when you realised you weren't you backed out. You did the rightthing for you. If you had gone to thathhotel imagine the post you'd be writing now. Its in the past nothing can change it.

AckwelFoley

It's off your chest now. You were 16 you didn't do anything illegal. He did.. you were lucky that you had the sence not to meet him that time. He's the one that should be ashamed of himself and I would expect that he would have the good sence to never cross your path again..which i expect is unlikely considering the time that has passed.

The only moral dilemma would be whether he is still at the same carry on with other young girls, should you report him to protect others?

Mr. Incognito

We all make mistakes as teenagers.

Learn from it and supervise your kids in time

Ethel

What happened to you is not uncommon, and despite the guilt you feel about your part in this, you were taken advantage of. I'm so glad you never met this man.

I'm not so sure I'd let this pass, however. I'd at least talk to someone about this. The thing is, you could have been one of many young girls this man has taken advantage of, and my fear is not all will have stopped it where you did. He may still be at this.

I'm not sure what I'm suggesting here. I think if it were me I'd ask to speak to someone off the record in my local garda station about it. I'm sure it can be documented with no further action.

As I said, my fear would be you're not the only one and it could have gotten further with other girls, maybe even younger than you.

Buona Fortuna

Give yourself a pass you did nothing wrong;).

We've all done stupid things in the past .

Do learn from this though, especially for when you have kids. So you know how to look after them.

Good Luck OP.

Rubberchikken

hopefully it's helped to write this down.

at 16 we've all done something stupid. try to let it go.

look at the positive side, you had enough sense not to meet this man. so no matter what things were happening to you at the time, something in you kept you from making this worse. be thankful for that. try very hard to let it go from your mind.
if you have the name etc written down, would you burn it and then try to move on.

don't be too hard on yourself.

Beaner1

The now 50 year old is the one that needs to get something off his chest.

dellas1979

You were a child OP.

Its akin to sticking lego up your nose. Was stupid thing to do, but we all did stupid things as kids, not thinking of consequence.

He was the adult, so he was in the wrong. Not your 16 year old self. So, forgive yourself.

As for the photos now, very unlikely they'll surface again, and at least there were no naked ones.

liquoriceall

I felt a little sick reading your post it seems so many of us are taken advantage of and feel guilty! Im not sure but could you possibly do as others have suggested and ask to have an informal chat with the Gardai? Just so he is on their radar?

LegacyUser

You are so hard on yourself OP. I absolutely cringe when I remember the things I got up to as a teenager but I accept I was a child and it's in the past! I'm not sure what advice I can offer, other than to tell you that you absolutely did nothing wrong.