Friend did something in my bed while I was sleeping - opinions wanted.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just wondering if I could get your opinion on something that happened me. I was out one night drinking with a male friend over the Christmas. We have a strictly platonic relationship, I have zero romantic interest or attraction to him. He was staying at my house that night in a spare bedroom as he lives outside the city. This was nothing unusual, we've had this arrangement for nights out for years. Anyways we met our friends and had a good night out. We got back to mine about 3am and went to our respective bedrooms.

I fell into a deep sleep straight away, I'm a heavy sleeper after alcohol. I woke abruptly at approximately 6am and I noticed the bed was shaking. I was a bit confused at first but then I realized I could feel a hand running along my thigh and across my bum. Then I went into shock as I realized the reason the bed was shaking was because my friend was in my bed and was masturbating. My back was turned to him so he didn't realize I had woken. I was so shocked I just froze and couldn't move. The masturbating continued for a minute or two, he didn't touch me anymore during this time only to put his hand on my back for a second.

Once he stopped he sort of laid up on top of me and stayed there for a few seconds. Then he got back off me and started masturbating again. He wrapped his other hand around me and ran his hand from top of my chest, across my boobs, right down to my stomach, before holding my hand in his. He then let go and very briefly stroked my thigh again. He stopped masturbating after about a minute - I can only presume this is because he had "finished". He left the room immediately after this. About 30 seconds later I heard him getting sick in the toilet.

I feel totally upset by this and actually quite violated. But we're such good friends I have been trying to rationalize it to myself saying it wasn't a big deal. I'm totally confused about I feel. Have I a right to be upset about this? I also feel immense anger with myself for not reacting and letting it happen. I don't know why but at the time I just froze and it seemed like the only way to get through it. I also keep wondering to myself if anything like this (or worse) has happened before and that I just never woke up. All opinions welcome.

ordinary_girl

I'm pretty sure most people would consider this a big deal. I could be wrong, but what he did sounds like sexual assault. You definitely have a right to be upset about this; you trusted him as friend and he invaded your personal space and, as you said yourself, you can't be sure if he hasn't done this to you before but you've just slept through it.

Hindsight is 20/20. You shouldn't feel bad about being frozen when you realised what happened - it's not like you woke up expecting this to be happening. You were caught off-guard, surprised and I can imagine it was likely quite upsetting too. You didn't do anything wrong in this situation. He shouldn't have gone into your room, he basically shouldn't have abused your trust like that.

allym

OP that's sexual assualt, and absolutely disgusting behaviour from a so called "friend".

You have the right to feel however you feel about this. If it was me, I'd feel completely violated and I'd probably distance myself from this person. But what you do is up to YOU and absolutely no one else. You don't have to answer to anyone about how you feel. But I'd recommend confiding in a close friend you can trust, and giving yourself time and space to process what's happened, and what, if anything, you want up do about it.

Look after yourself.

DoctorBoo

I'm sorry this happened to you. You are probably still in shock.
This is absolutely sexual assault. I think you should contact the Rape Crisis Centre and get some advice from them. They have a lot of experience in these matters and will be able to support and guide you.
I wish you all the best.

AckwelFoley

I dont think I'd be calling this guy in from the country for nights out anymore.

It's your decision on what to do, I'd certainly confront him about it. He will probably say he was drunk and can't remember, you can assure him that you do and tell him you are extremely disturbed by it.

It's not his first time to do this, won't be his last either. He's a weirdo by all accounts. And yes its sexual assault

JaseBelleVie

I'm sorry, but I'm furious reading that post. I've often been placed in a position of trust with female friends by sleeping in the same room with them after nights out. This guy broke your trust, he violated your personal space, he sexually assaulted you and he (barring hearing more about him) sounds like a lowlife.

He touched you inappropriately, he was masturbating at the same time, (sorry for going into gory detail here) he presumably ejaculated in your bed, he waited until you were asleep (premeditation there). Instead of doing the "normal" thing that a drunk lad would do (make a drunken pass at you and you can just tell him "no"), he did the creepy thing. Waited until you were asleep, and then crept into your room and made sure you couldn't tell him "no".

This is a horrible thing to happen. To reflect other posters; contact the Rape Crisis Centre immediately. They will be able to help you.

It might be worth investing in a lock for your room.

I'm just disgusted at the breach of trust, too. You trusted this guy enough to let him into your home, to let him sleep in your home, to be a friend to him. And he does that to you. That is a disgraceful thing for him to do, considering how you are his friend and how much you trusted him.

As I mentioned above, I've often slept in the same room as female friends in the past. I was placed into a position of extreme trust by them that I would just have a drunk/giggly conversation before we both drifted off to sleep and then the next day we'd sit around feeling sorry for ourselves and eat junk food. I just keep putting myself into the situation and I'm just so disgusted by this guy's behaviour and the creepiness of what he did.

I hope you are OK.

funkey_monkey

AckwelFoley wrote: »

I dont think I'd be calling this guy in from the country for nights out anymore.

It's your decision on what to do, I'd certainly confront him about it. He will probably say he was drunk and can't remember, you can assure him that you do and tell him you are extremely disturbed by it.

It's not his first time to do this, won't be his last either. He's a weirdo by all accounts. And yes its sexual assault

How do you know it is not his first time?
How do you know he is a weirdo "by all accounts"?

OP - get yourself somewhere to talk with experts in this - rape crisis centre as previously suggested is a good suggestion.

funkey_monkey

AckwelFoley wrote: »

Are you serious? Or just drunk? I appreciate it's Christmas and the drinks are flowing.

It's not even remotely normal to go into somebody's bedroom and masturbate yourself on top of them while feeling them up. It's sexual assault and he's a creep.

Less of sarky chat.

I not going to derail this thread, but one thing I can't stand is people stating things as facts when they do not know the story:

1. "Its not his first time to do this"
You cannot possibly know (unless you are him) if he has done this before. The OP doesn't even know this and has stated this in their post. Are you him, if not how do you know this to state it as fact in writing?

2. "He's a weirdo by all accounts"
By stating "He's a weirdo by all accounts." it infers that you have been in conversation with people who know the person about this issue. "All accounts" is plural inferring you are making your statement based off more than the OP. So do you have additional background information on this thread that the rest of us do not have?


/end

Candy_Girl

I think you're still in shock and that's very understandable, this so called friend sexually assaulted you!!As other posters have said contact the rape crisis center, don't try to deal with this alone.

lukesmom

I would report him for sexual assault no joke.

Blingy

OP this person has totally violated your trust. Please talk to the professionals and mind yourself.

Hannibal Smith

what he did was in no way acceptable and you have every right to be annoyed.

sometimes you freeze in situations like this and you're angry with yourself for not reacting. none of it is your fault and how you reacted is not a factor. there's only one person you should be angry with.

In one way I could say EFF him cut off all ties and move on, but on the other hand, what if he did it again to someone else. what he did was not normal is he capable of more? Maybe talk to someone who deals in these types of situations and see what the best next step is.

AckwelFoley

funkey_monkey wrote: »

:mad:Hang on there a minute! Show me where I say this is normal behaviour - go on... Yet again you have stated something without any proof.

I already stated she should go to speak to someone like the rape crisis centre about this - people who are trained to deal with this.


PS - don't think that I didn't notice you didn't answer my questions:rolleyes:

I'm deleting my posts. None of this is helpful to the OP

LegacyUser

This was a sexual assault but the assailant may have been sleepwalking and be unaware of the full extent of his "adventure". That said, OP, you absolutely have to make him aware you know what he did and he must not be made welcome by you ever again.

It really would be pointless trying to get a criminal investigation and what happened but you should get counseling.

Boskowski

There is no doubt this is pretty fkd up behaviour by anyone's standard being drunk is no excuse.
Whether you should report him or not I can't say. It depends on how your relationship is with him. Although whatever it is I imagine it can't ever be the same.
What I mean if you spoke to him would there be reason for you to be potentially afraid of him physically?
Of course it can't be brushed under the carpet as I imagine there's no way you would want to carry on as if nothing happened. So some sort of confrontation will occur.
Bloody hell. Is there anyone else you can talk this through with other than some internet people?

LegacyUser

OP, that was definitely a sexual assault and it shouldn't have happened to you.

There is something I have to say here. Something very similar happened to me when I was very young. I was about 17 years old, and the guy who did this to me was maybe 20. I froze too, and pretended to be asleep. All the while wondering if this was actually happening and praying for it to be over. Afterwards I fell asleep, and woke up a few hours later with a sense of unreality. I absolutely couldn't deal with the shock of how I had been violated, with the fact that (I thought) he had been one of my best mates, and most of all that I didn't react in any way. My god, I could have stopped it, and instead I let it go on and I let it get even worse than it was when I woke up. I judged myself so harshly for it for a very long time.

It took me years to understand that it wasn't my fault, that my trust was violated, that he betrayed me on so many levels, and that my reaction wasn't quite as unusual as I thought it was. Eventually I managed to put this event, and the sense of guilt and self-betrayal behind me. I never looked the guy in the eye again, and even though we kept socialising in the same group, I don't think I ever had another conversation with him after that happened, but I never confronted him either.

Expect the guilt to pop up, and when it does, attend to it immediately, don't let it fester. If you need reassurance that it wasn't your fault, that you did the best you could in this situation to protect yourself, call the Rape Crisis Centre, they are really well trained to support men and women who went through sexual trauma. They provide face to face counselling too, if you feel you need it. Look after yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

(going unreg here)

My advice? do what you feel you should do... If in a few days you feel like contacting the authorities then do.

But.. Ive been in a few situations in the past where things have happened with friends that have been quire bizzare after nights out and we've both been a bit 'did that really happen?'

If you feel that you guys might have that sort of relationship where this behaviour might be deemed to be appropriate dont go guns blazing for the authorities.

by all means tell the guy in no uncertain terms that he was an idiot but dont feel because something happened that you immediately should report just because you think you should!

mada82

What a weirdo. Cut all contact. Tell him why if you want. And report him if you want.

FouxDaFaFa

dontoverreact wrote: »

Hi OP

(going unreg here)

My advice? do what you feel you should do... If in a few days you feel like contacting the authorities then do.

But.. Ive been in a few situations in the past where things have happened with friends that have been quire bizzare after nights out and we've both been a bit 'did that really happen?'

If you feel that you guys might have that sort of relationship where this behaviour might be deemed to be appropriate dont go guns blazing for the authorities.

by all means tell the guy in no uncertain terms that he was an idiot but dont feel because something happened that you immediately should report just because you think you should!

I'm honestly struggling to think of how it could ever be appropriate for a friend to sneak into your bedroom while you are asleep, climb into bed with you and sexually assault you. But that's just me.

As far as the second bolded bit, I'm hoping it's just phrased poorly and is something like "don't feel obliged report it and make your own decision" but OP, you should definitely know that that is an option.

I'm very sorry this happened to you and I can understand why you froze. Everyone likes to think that they will react in unbelievably decisive and collected ways if something were ever to happen to them but often what is happening is so unexpected and frightening that we are paralysed.

You were not foolish to be friends with this person or to be kind enough to let him stay at your house. He was foolish to break that trust.

mapaca

My heart goes out to you OP, this was absolutely not your fault and completely disgusting behaviour from him.
It's a normal response to freeze in these situations. I hope you can speak to a trusted friend or call the Rape Crisis Centre for advice on how to deal with it all and what to do next. Take care.

SimonTemplar

It is absolutely horrible that he betrayed your friendship and trust like that. I would be beside myself with anger if someone did that to one of my friends. If confronted with what happened, drink and drunkenness might be used as an excuse but that is not a "get out of jail free" card. He needs to take responsibility for his inexcusable actions.

As mentioned above, I hope you are taking good care of yourself, and you are talking this through with a trusted friend / family member or the Rape Crisis Centre.

Mick Murdock

It's a VERY big deal and even if you don't report him officially I would definitely tell him that you know what happened and inform anybody else he claims to be 'friends' with. Don't accept any excuses. If he's brazen enough to do this who knows what he's capable of. Deserves everything that's coming to him.

Tokyo

funkey_monkey & AckwelFoley - the seriously off topic back and forth ends here. I can and will infract for deleted posts too, should it continue.

Regards,
Mike

FurBabyMomma

Op I am so terribly sorry this has happened to you. At the end of the day your body is yours, and nobody has the right to touch it without your consent, whatever the situation. It's sexual assault. You'd recognise it if a friend came to you and told you this incident happened to her, but it's a lot more difficult to accept when it happens to you as there's the element of shock and disbelief that someone you thought of as a friend could abuse you in this way.

Never think this was in any way your fault because it wasn't. Too often the guilt lies with the victim when the only one at fault is the person who committed the act. You wouldn't feel guilty if he came into your room and robbed your possessions, so why should you feel guilty that he came in and robbed you of your trust? There should be no excuses made for him as there are none.

Please do get some support from Rape Crisis and friends. While I think he should be reported I understand this is a very personal decision. However please don't let him think he's got away with it if you can at all, as what he did is not ok and if he gets away with it once, who's to say he won't do it again to someone else, or perhaps even escalate his behaviour next time?

Thoughts are with you OP and I wish this hadn't happened to you. I'm so angry that anyone would think they have the right to treat another human being as an object for their gratification. Consent should always be a must.

Rubberchikken

i'm really sorry this happened to you.
i don't know if you want to speak to a garda/rape crisis centr, that's your decision.

i can only imagine how shocked and upset you were at the time. disbelief that something like this from someone you rate a friend would make most people freeze.

however, if you speak to him, i don't believe he can stand behind a defense of 'drunk and not realising'.
he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't find your room/bed and behave in the way he did.

his behaviour is out of bounds, but only you can decide what should happen next.

the best of luck in reaching your decision.

dixiefly

This is a very serious situation between two supposedly good friends.

My initial thought is that you should call him and ask him does he remember anything about the incident and how disgusted you are about it. However, it could get into a denial situation and an argument that might upset you more.
If you feel strong enough to confront him then do so.

The people in the Rape crisis Centre are probably best placed to advise you on how you should deal with it.

In my opinion your friendship with him is finished. I am a guy and I am a bit shocked at the behavious. You are probably best off cutting him out of your life completely. Whether you formally tell him over the phone, by letter or just ignoring him may depend on how much contact etc that you have.

LegacyUser

Hi All.

OP here. Many thanks for all the advice and supportive words you have given me. I really do appreciate it. I think at the moment I'm in some form of denial where-by I am trying to pretend it never happened and carry on as normal. It feels as though it was not even real.

Thanks for confirming to me that it was actually sexual assault. I wasn't too sure to be honest as he didn't actually grab me or squeeze me (well aside from my hand), he was just running his hand across me. I think the masturbating is what has affected me the most, I actually feel sick that he was doing that while having his hands on me like that.

I feel I probably should confront him but am nervous about doing so as I expect he will deny it and I'm sure that would upset me. I've changed my number so that he won't be able to contact me on that. He's sent me snapchats and I haven't opened them - does anyone know if he will be able to tell if I delete or block him? I would like to just distance myself from him completely. I don't really expect that our friendship could ever recover after this, I will never be able to look at him in the same way again. I expect that he may continue to try to contact me (maybe even turn up at my house) so at some point a confrontation will probably have to occur.

Another aspect that bothered me was the next day when I went downstairs he was acting normal as though nothing had happened. He was trying to chat away to me, I was replying to him and trying to pretend I didn't know. It was like I was going through the motions but all I was thinking in my own mind was about the incident. I don't know why I did this. I should have kicked him out of the house straight away and I feel guilty about this also.

Also this is not my first experience of assault, I had an incident about 5 or 6 years ago also although it was actually worse. So his has sort of raised old feelings for me. I went completely off the rails after the last incident, was very depressed to the point of attempted suicide. So I'm conscious of this fact and I suppose going to talk to someone might be a good idea as you all have suggested.

I'm not sure if I have any friend I can confide in. I guess I feel embarrassed and ashamed that something of this nature has happened me again.I even feel embarrassed admitting that to you all even though I'm anonymous. I feel as though there must be something about me that is causing these things to happen. At the same time I do know I never led this guy on or showed any interest in him. He did make a pass at me years before and I set him straight.

As for the gardai, I'm not too sure about reporting it. Chances are it's just gonna be my word against his surely? Also that would mean confronting him head-on and I'm just not sure I am able to deal with that.

Augme

I'm not sure ignoring him is the best way to deal with it as he's just more likely to contact you/attempt to turn up and your house. If I was you I'd simply text him telling him you know what he did and not to ever try and contact you again. Whatever feeling you have you should never let yourself think it's something about you that is causing this. It's 100% not your fault.


As for the Gardai. If it's a your word vs his it will be very difficult(I'd say almost impossible) to get a conviction. It's possible he might plead guilty or that he has a history of this which could make it easier. Another possibility is that if he does it in the future again the guards will have a record of him.

FurBabyMomma

Yes it will be your word against his but that doesn't mean you won't be supported or believed. Maybe being questioned by the gardai would be enough to prevent him ever doing it again. But I understand this is a personal choice. A similar incident happened to me and I cut off the friendship but never confronted him. I regret that now as for months afterwards i cried at night with guilt, thinking that it must have been my fault. I felt sick and mentally tortured myself for being naive and trusting. I continued to be upset until one day I sat down and wrote myself a letter outlining exactly what had happened and explaining how it wasn't my fault. I reread the letter and cried over it, got angry and finally 'forgave' myself. I then destroyed the letter and honestly I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could move on. Just sharing this in case it helps you at any point down the line - it was NOT your fault x

carolinespring

Without a doubt it was sexual assault. I really think it might be wise to give the rape crisis centre a call so you can get your head around it and also to decide if you want to report it.

I really feel for you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

How close a friend were you with this person?
Does he have any other female friends?(that might have got the same treatment?)You should confront him tbh,tell him you were awake,don't accept a sleep walking excuse
Write it down in a viber or whatsap message in a couple of sentences maybe so you'll know he's read it and text him that from your old number
Make it clear you want nothing more to do with him and that's that
Call to your Garda station and ask to speak to a female officer and certainly if you are worried about the event contact the rape crisis centre
Show them the message you sent if you decide to send that

If he continues to contact you or you feel harassed in any way,then I'd contact the Gardai again
For now,I'd say the very fact you tell him you know what he did and you've reported it should jolt him
Take care and don't hesitate to post on this when you need to,we are here

3rdDegree

It is possible that your friend did this while drunk/sleepwalking. He may not remember this at all. This might explain his blaze attitude the next morning. Drink and sleepwalking can lead people to do some very bizarre things.

My own opinion is that you should confront him. Being drunk/sleepwalking is no excuse and if that is what drink does to him, he should know about it. In fact, I think he should consider never drinking again as what he did while under the influence is appalling and really unforgivable.

Try to take care of yourself and try not to blame yourself. This is not your fault. Confronting him may help you realise that. But you are correct that he may deny everything as he may genuinely not remember it.

Hannibal Smith

Imagine a friend was telling you these two incidents, would you think there was something with her that contributed to it? No way would you, so don't be so hard on yourself. I think I would tell him why you're cutting him off. If he denies it then all that will happen is you lose a friend you were getting rid of anyway. Its a wreck head situation though.

Frigga_92

OP, I think you should go to the Rape Crisis Centre and talk through all of this with an experienced professional and from there you can make a decision about whether you want to go to the gardai and take any further steps.
I understand why you froze but this isn't the time or place for me to talk about the whys.

I would not confront him. I would speak to somebody in the Rape Crisis Centre about how best to handle this situation.