Came out to my parents this morning

yeezus

They were ok about it. Thankfully. I'm sure my mother is disappointed but she's not showing it.

qweerty

Great! It is the gayest season, after all. Reckon it was a surprise for them?

ninty9er

Nice one!! It's not the easiest thing to do. Go celebrate the reaction!!

Put yourself in their shoes, it's more than likely worry than disappointment. Parents do worry about the difficulties life presents their kids with, having more perceived difficulties as a result of being gay worries them more.

Cantremember

Good for you. Hope the new year brings you the freedom that should flow from that.

JH_raheny

Good on you, enjoy the new year as a more free person

Rubberchikken

as a parent and a mother, your mom may just be feeling worry for you and your future.

congrats on telling them and here's to a wonderful future:)

hotmail.com

Well done. It's still tough to come out to your parents, no matter what age you are!

pugwall

Fair Play - and it gets better. It will be like a weight off your shoulder.

bob50

Welld done on coming out to your parents.

Your mum might just be worried for you relax and enjoy your life

ongarboy

Well done!! Bear in mind that sometimes after the initial wow period, there might be an anti-climax feeling for a few weeks or even months where you ask yourself why your life isn't automatically suddenly better but it's when you look back in retrospect, you will appreciate that the instinctive secrecy and covering up you have been practicing all your life since adolescence is no longer a daily requirement and the feeling of liberation that brings is priceless.

I hope 2015 brings you happiness!

yeezus

I think they were surprised. Everything seems normal since, no awkwardness except inside my head.

I haven't felt any relief. In fact I'd say I feel a bit down. Coming out was a part of the process of coming out to myself. It's made it more real. I haven't fully accepted yet and am a bit down because of fear for what the future holds.

mrsbyrne

Your mams not disappointed she's just a bit frightened. She probably knew deep down but now you've let the genie out of the bottle and there's no putting it back in. For either of you.
Mams all want the very best for their little darlings. They want them to be happy. We are conditioned to consider happiness to be found through getting a good job with loads of money, meet someone special, settle down, nice home, couple of kids.
You can still have all that. You just have a trickier path to go down to get there, she knows that, she just wishes you were on the easier path. Thats all.

eviltwin

I would talk to them. When my daughter came out I was surprised but not shocked but I still needed time to absorb it and work my way through everything from 'will she be okay' to 'how do we tell that old fashioned relative without starting world war three'.

The one thing I didn't want to do was make it a bigger deal than it was but how do you do that. If you talk too much about it, it's overkill. If you don't talk about it enough you might be accused of ignoring it or being in denial.

In the end we just had one long talk where I got to ask her if she was dating, discussed our mutual fears and sorted out a plan about how to deal with the awkward 'so has she got a boyfriend' questions. I needed her to know we had her back but we needed to know she had ours too.

As Mrsbyrne says when you have a child you have an idea of how you want their life to go. Some parents may need a bit of time to mourn the future that will never be. It can be difficult to adapt to a whole new set of dreams for your child. And they are still very much your child. Even as adults you just want to protect them and we all know the world can be an unkind place to gay people.

Congratulations on coming out. I hope in the days to come things become a bit clearer.

bicloset

@Yeezus: Congrats to you coming out, I know exactly what you are going through as I am also.

I came out to my parents on Tuesday also, still in shock that I did and it happened so spontaneously. I thought I was never going to do it but somewhat felt psychologically pinned to the wall. They have taken it so far better than I thought but It is very tough and I still think the tough days are yet to come as they didnt expect it. I am an only child and I think that brings added worries/concerns unique of its own which makes the situation for us more stressful/emotionally charged compared to others who have more siblings. I somewhat feel relieved but also emotional/down a little. I think its the unknown for me, as in I am now in unfamiliar territory (albeit only my parents knowing) and no longer feeling I'm living a 24/7 shield up and acting to my parents. The other side of me breaks my heart knowing I have broke their hearts and added a huge weight of worry onto them along with all the other worries of life they had.

Does anyone know of a service/some form of counselling which helps in the following:

1.Helps me become more happier in who I am and to deal/accept the fact I won't follow the normal course of life marrying and having kids the perceived normal way. Also, give me advice and encouragement to deal with awkward questions/situations I currently find and will find myself in the future.

2. My parents are a concern of mine and I/We feel they also need support for them to come to terms and discuss the situation with a more trained person. They also will have awkward conversations/situations in the future years and worries that they will want to address.

I would greatly welcome any advice one might have and services/individuals ect one could recommend personally.

jobbridge4life

yeezus wrote: »

They were ok about it. Thankfully. I'm sure my mother is disappointed but she's not showing it.

I feel weird about writing 'congratulations'... there is something inherently banal about it IMO. At the same time I can't think of any other way to articulate it, so CONGRATULATIONS and I mean it in the most sincere way.

Telling one's parents is routinely described as the most difficult experience and you have done it.

I will only say to you don't allow the initial reaction of your parents to overly colour your relationship with them. When I told my Mother at 15 she was for the most part negative. Fully tolerant but negative. She has become one of the most important supporters in my life since that initial reaction. Importantly it must be said that by initial I mean one to three years.

I recall at this time, a moment when I recently confronted her with a statement she made on the first night of meeting me post coming out. She was taken aback and cried because of what she had said (which it must be said in the grand scheme of anti-lgbt rhetoric was only ever a minor thing).

The best part of your life really does start now.

LegacyUser

Maybe just be aware that things you think or assume your parents feel is possibly your projection. Perhaps you feel you have disappointed them rather than them being inwardly/outwardly disappointed of you or for you. Your life is different to what they thought it was and will be, not disappointing for most, just different-give them time to get their head around this. Most parents do not mind as long as their child is happy in the long run.

For parental support I believe their is a group called Loving Our Out Kids (L.O.O.K) and I think the Gay Switchboard helpline may also be of assistance. If you go down the route of counselling I would suggest if the counsellor seems anyway ill at ease (again possibly the case or possibly just perceived) discussing same sex relationships look elsewhere after session one....personal experience! I have seen counsellors advertise in GCN magazine (available in Lemon Jelly near Jervis and that coffee place in Twisted Pepper).

lottpaul

Congratulations again. A feeling of deflation or similar after you come out is very common I think. You'll have been planning, preparing, rehearsing etc - and then it happens,,,,,, and what next. The sun rises the following morning, you go to work/college/school and seemingly nothing has changed. In reality of course it has.

I think the important thing that parents/siblings etc need when a family member comes out is time - sometimes lots of it. It's possible the only image they have of a gay person is a person in the public eye - or even a soap/film character, and they now have to "superimpose" that on someone they know and love - and it does take time. Add to that the idea that their little darling is growing up and may have a partner or at the least be looking for one.
Parents - (especially mothers?) have a built in worry button and that never gets switched off. So just give it time - and be open to answering even the seemingly most mundane questions.

Annasopra

Bicloset

For you GMHS Counselling or personal development course

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/5/sexhealth/gmhs/counselling/

For your parents

http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

To Elland Back

As a parent (from a different era) I can only say that I would be delighted that a child of mine felt comfortable enough to be able to tell me that when the time was right. Sounds as if it will all be fine

ninty9er

bicloset wrote: »

I am an only child and I think that brings added worries/concerns unique of its own which makes the situation for us more stressful/emotionally charged compared to others who have more siblings.

The other side of me breaks my heart knowing I have broke their hearts and added a huge weight of worry onto them along with all the other worries of life they had.

Being an only child it is somewhat unique, but if you're a gay man in a family of girls there's the 'name' thing, or in the case of some people, their sibling also being gay.

You haven't broken their hearts and the cracks of shock will heal. The best thing you can do for your parents and yourself is to continue to be you. Remember, you haven't changed, just the awareness has changed.

yeezus

It's been nearly 3 months since I came out. It was definitely a very positive step for me. When it's a secret you kind of don't have to face the issue, so telling your family really makes it all real. I haven't seen my family since but will see them in a few weeks. I talk to them on the phone and all seems back to normal. I hope when I see them in a few weeks it's not awkward but even if it is, it'll be another step towards normality. I've told a few friends since and everyone has been fine.

How has your post-come out experience been Bicloset?

bicloset

yeezus wrote: »

It was definitely a very positive step for me.

How has your post-come out experience been Bicloset?

Glad to hear things have been positive for you. Tbh things haven't been great my way, in fact they've been sh**e, my parents have been very good but I think they are still in overdrive and the reality of it hasnt sank in to me. I've been very unsettled in my job and where I am going in life so to speak. My accomodation has been a disaster lately and any people who I thought were friends to me (mostly gay) have weirdly turned their back and somewhat disowned me since I came out which tbh the past 3 months is when I need them the most. So yea basically anything that could go wrong has....:) Thanks for asking, I bet you regret so! lol

lyinghere

bicloset wrote: »

Glad to hear things have been positive for you. Tbh things haven't been great my way, in fact they've been sh**e, my parents have been very good but I think they are still in overdrive and the reality of it hasnt sank in to me. I've been very unsettled in my job and where I am going in life so to speak. My accomodation has been a disaster lately and any people who I thought were friends to me (mostly gay) have weirdly turned their back and somewhat disowned me since I came out which tbh the past 3 months is when I need them the most. So yea basically anything that could go wrong has....:) Thanks for asking, I bet you regret so! lol

You said at the start that your parents have been very good so as regards coming out it doesn't seem like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong as you say.

It sounds like you are going through a rough patch in your life generally, accomodation , work and friendship issues are unfortunatley fairly common problems and something people gay and straight all go through.

Might be worth trying to disconnect the things that are not going right in these areas from coming out and figuring out ways to improve those situations.

I hope i'm not sounding harsh or condescending and i'm consious that i dont understand your situation fully but I do think you should consider focusing on making few positive changes to the stuff your not happy about and not letting everything get you down.

hagoonabear

if I ever had one of my kids come out as gay I would not care, my first and only worry would be that they still better give me grandkids I'm serious lol adopt, use a surrogate don't care give me them cuties. seriously though well done on coming out op

Annasopra

hagoonabear wrote: »

if I ever had one of my kids come out as gay I would not care, my first and only worry would be that they still better give me grandkids I'm serious lol adopt, use a surrogate don't care give me them cuties. seriously though well done on coming out op

What if they didnt want children?

hagoonabear

Joeytheparrot wrote:

What if they didnt want children?

then a nice pug or pedigree kitten will do

Annasopra

hagoonabear wrote: »

then a nice pug or pedigree kitten will do

What if they didnt want children or pets?

Mr. G

bicloset wrote: »

Glad to hear things have been positive for you. Tbh things haven't been great my way, in fact they've been sh**e, my parents have been very good but I think they are still in overdrive and the reality of it hasnt sank in to me. I've been very unsettled in my job and where I am going in life so to speak. My accomodation has been a disaster lately and any people who I thought were friends to me (mostly gay) have weirdly turned their back and somewhat disowned me since I came out which tbh the past 3 months is when I need them the most. So yea basically anything that could go wrong has....:) Thanks for asking, I bet you regret so! lol

I suggest you talk to someone. Possibly a close friend, family member or something about your situation. I went through a rough time similarly and found it very beneficial. Maybe join a club or group, even knitting for hell sake, and chill out more. Watch TV perhaps and bring a bit of positivity into your life. There's lots of things you could do, but we all go through rough or unsettled times. I hope you get through it soon

Hey - shit happens. It'll all come together.