My boyfriend is very opinionated

misspumpqueen

As the title says, my boyfriend is very opinionated. He's one of those people who has an opinion on something and doesn't care if it's the truth or not. Today as we were driving through town, some car sped out in front of us and nearly rammed in to us. Obviously, he was very annoyed and started shouting but then he saw it was a woman who drove and said "typical - woman driver" and I got really pissed off when he said it. I told him that that wasn't right what he said and he said that he just goes by what his dad thinks about woman drivers - "woman aren't in accidents, they cause them " that pissed me off to no end. He couldn't see how I had taken insult from what he said and didn't feel the need to say sorry. I don't know who's more wrong here. It just makes me uncomfortable to drive around him now if he thinks that way.

HalloweenJack

What age is he?

From the sounds of it, he is immature (I would say incredibly so, depending on his age). He "goes by what his dad thinks" and his attitude in general sounds like he doesn't have much experience of his own.

The question is how long do you want to wait around for him to grow up.

misspumpqueen

He's 31.

It's confusing as he acts mature most of the time but it is something that's been bothering me .There's just something every now and again.
He still lives at home. I thought he had moved back there when he became unemployed 2 years ago but he hasn't ever moved out. He says he plans to next sept, as he wants to save up money for rent first but I think he's just avoiding it to be honest.
He is ggreat in so many other ways but this sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm 5 years younger than him bbut I feel like the older one sometimes.

Oink

It sounds like you haven't been together that long? You will need to ask him if he is serious when he says things like that because it sounds very silly to me. Does he think he's funny or something?

misspumpqueen

Oink wrote: »

It sounds like you haven't been together that long? You will need to ask him if he is serious when he says things like that because it sounds very silly to me. Does he think he's funny or something?

We've been together since May, so not that long really. He was serious yes, he thought he was funny and then thought it was funny when I got annoyed. He also said it was unfair of me to judge him for saying it, saying he's judging every woman in the world on her driving, even though he was with that comment

mazdaminx

misspumpqueen wrote: »

We've been together since May, so not that long really. He was serious yes, he thought he was funny and then thought it was funny when I got annoyed. He also said it was unfair of me to judge him for saying it, saying he's judging every woman in the world on her driving, even though he was with that comment

In what other ways is he opinionated? Does he pass comments about women in other situations. If this is the worst thing about him I would not show you're annoyance next time If he gets such a kick out of rising you.
What's good about him and why do you like being with him?

misspumpqueen

mazdaminx wrote: »

In what other ways is he opinionated? Does he pass comments about women in other situations. If this is the worst thing about him I would not show you're annoyance next time If he gets such a kick out of rising you.
What's good about him and why do you like being with him?

No he doesn't pass other comments about woman. He is just opinionated about everything. TV shows, music, basically everything he likes is epic n everything he doesn't like is rubbish and won't give time to anything else.

He makes me feel good about myself and that is huge for me as my last two relationships bordered on emotional abuse. He's very kind, he's a gentleman, he does make me laugh and makes me happy most of the time.

mazdaminx

He sounds pretty good. You're not going to get it every way, nobody is. There's always going to be something. Look at the both of you in general and if it's working well and you're both good for each other, great!

Big Bag of Chips

Well for a start an opinion by it's nature isn't a truth. A truth is a fact, an opinion is what someone thinks. So when he starts on something that you don't agree, say "Fair enough, I don't agree with you, but if that's what you think...." He can argue all he likes that he's right and you're wrong, but you can just point out that it's his opinion, not a fact.

This is obviously a big enough issue for you to come here and look for advice. You won't change him. But you don't have to listen to him either! If he starts on a rant you can agree or disagree. It doesn't have to turn into a row, you can have different opinions. But if he's always turning things in to rows telling you he's right and you're wrong, then you have to decide if you're happy to always be wrong.... Or worse, will you start agreeing with him?!!

Ave Sodalis

To be honest OP, that's not something I'd be willing to put up with. If it was me, I'd make it very clear that I would not put up with it and he would be as well keeping his opinion to himself. Fair enough if it was just a jokey comment, we've all made them even if we don't actually believe them. However, this wasn't the case. Just because he has an opinion, doesn't make it right. When is he wrong? What if he challenging your fundamental beliefs? How many times can you be told you're wrong before it wears away your self esteem? Speaking as someone who had a friend who was the same, it doesn't take long before you start hesitating before you say something, and then start doubting yourself. You don't need to go mad at him, as you say he just finds it amusing. I'd sit down and have a very serious conversation with him though.

kippy

Its important to note that everyone has opinions. Some people have opinions that are pretty standard, some controversial. Some people express opinions far more than others. Other people change their opinions with learning others at the drop of a hat.
TBH this guy seems to express his opinions and uses them for a bit of banter be they true or not.

If I were to be worried about anything here its his lack of experience of living with other people or outside his own home. The lack of living with others might explain some aspects of bein opinionated and not having the social sense to keep some more controversial opinions to himself. What do your friends think?

Anyway these kinda threads usually overanalyse an individual without the full facts being known. From the other facts here you seem to get along ok, have only recently started going out so should perhaps give it another while.

JeffKenna

To be fair OP I've heard many of my friends make that same comment and have done so myself in the past. His entitled to his opinion on matters as you are as well.

strandroad

He just sounds like a very closed minded, inflexible person. It doesn't tend to get better with age. Would you be OK with your children being fed such wisdom?

kippy

mhge wrote: »

He just sounds like a very closed minded, inflexible person. It doesn't tend to get better with age. Would you be OK with your children being fed such wisdom?

Thats a pretty serious conclusion to come to on limited set of facts

Ave Sodalis

kippy wrote: »

Thats a pretty serious conclusion to come to on limited set of facts

I don't think so. You don't consider someone who believes their opinions are the best and the rest are just rubbish aren't inflexible? Or who believes (seriously) that women can't drive and just cause accidents, they aren't narrowminded?

yellowlabrador

Maybe gently tease him when he starts. A lot of older couples who've been together for a long time tend to be masters at it. Nobody's perfect and we all have personal pet hates. You need to decide if he's the man for you by weighing up the pros versus the cons.
My bf had 'racist' tendencies, yet he was great friends with people from all cultures. He was also homophobic. He picked up these ideas when he was young and now he's nearing 70 , if he says anything borderline, I tease him and he ends up laughing. We've been together for 20 years and we haven't ever had a serious row. I'm sure that some of my ideas are old fashioned at times. We all need constant exposure to new ideas to grow as person.

Mint Aero

I think he's entitled to his opinion.

JeffKenna

sup_dude wrote: »

I don't think so. You don't consider someone who believes their opinions are the best and the rest are just rubbish aren't inflexible? Or who believes (seriously) that women can't drive and just cause accidents, they aren't narrowminded?

Where in the post does it state the boyfriend thought his opinions are the best and the rest are rubbish? Maybe stick to the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Ave Sodalis

JeffKenna wrote: »

Where in the post does it state the boyfriend thought his opinions are the best and the rest are rubbish? Maybe stick to the facts before jumping to conclusions.

I am sticking to what we've been told.

misspumpqueen wrote: »

He is just opinionated about everything. TV shows, music, basically everything he likes is epic n everything he doesn't like is rubbish

JeffKenna

sup_dude wrote: »

I am sticking to what we've been told.

Fair enough, I missed that in the post.

Big Bag of Chips

There's no problem in him being entitled to his opinion, OP. But when he doesn't accept that you, and others, are also entitled to their opinion that will cause problems.

Stavro Mueller

Without knowing more it's hard to know what to say really. I think it's down to the way he says these things and what his general demeanour is like. There's a line where being opinionated turns into boorishness. I suppose the question to ask yourself is how do you feel if he says a song/film/band you like is useless. Embarrassed? Intimidated?

Saralee4

You have said that he is very opinionated and will argue this as believes he is right.

This is something that you have noticed in him now and something that bothers you. The problem is not that he is too opinionated but it's that it bothers you. (Don't get me wrong it would annoy me too) If you were someone who can just let those things slide then it works but this is not the case for you. What will happen when you stand your ground and he is just as stubborn later in your relationship over let's say finances, shopping, babies etc.

Like people have said here people can overanalyse a person on just a bit of information. Have you had an argument before? Have you seen him genuinely admit fault for things?

I wouldn't say dump him but I think now that you've spotted this, it's probably going to be something that you will start to notice more and more because you will almost look for it.

All people have irritating traits and sometimes you can over come them because of other positive ones. Most of the time people do not change though and with time when the newness and infatuation wears off, these aspects of a partner can seem to magnify.

porsche boy

Haven't read all the posts so sorry if I'm duplicating.
I don't think it's a matter of opinion, in his mind it's fact. The problem with this mentality is while most of the time you can ignore it, let him think whatever he wants to think, but when a serious issue arises there will be no discussion from his viewpoint.
If your a personal that regularly just folds in the face of a stronger personality then that may work but if, like me you prefer to discuss differences of opinion and come to some sort of accord then it may not workout long term.

misspumpqueen

No this is/was our first argument. I know I can hold a grudge s bit but it does bother me. I don't know what I would do if something more serious cane up - it is too early to think about serious stuff like that.

Someone mentioned how I feel if he didn't like a song I liked.. It's happened, I love a certain tv show, in his words "it's ****e" but he will still watch it if we're watching tv together. I hate the TV shows that he likes. And it's normal, we don't have to like the same things.

I don't want to bring up old arguments, but I will think about it and if i really think I need to mention it, I will. He is a great guy in other ways so I am definitely not looking to finish it with him.

mazdaminx

Re: tv show/ song...actions speak louder than words. He watches it with you.

Saralee4

misspumpqueen wrote: »

No this is/was our first argument. I know I can hold a grudge s bit but it does bother me. I don't know what I would do if something more serious cane up - it is too early to think about serious stuff like that.

Someone mentioned how I feel if he didn't like a song I liked.. It's happened, I love a certain tv show, in his words "it's ****e" but he will still watch it if we're watching tv together. I hate the TV shows that he likes. And it's normal, we don't have to like the same things.

I don't want to bring up old arguments, but I will think about it and if i really think I need to mention it, I will. He is a great guy in other ways so I am definitely not looking to finish it with him.

From what you say here I'd say let it pass! It's not right but most guys I know would make a joke about women drivers. A lot of girls I know make jokes about how their husbands can't multi task! They are stereotypes but often not a reflection of how the person views people but more of a joke they heard from someone else.

meeeeh

It's not the first time I heard that one. I usually point out that that younger male drivers used to be the most expensive to insure because they cause the most accidents. (Equality legalisation stopped that). Anyway that kind of statements can be easily countered. The problem is if you are hurt by those statements or if he can't handle someone disagreeing with him.

Mr. Incognito

Your boyfriends sounds like a normal interesting person.

What is the alternative, some pc pat kenny robot.

He can moan about your tastes all he likes but he supports them by sitting down and watching them with you.

You are making mountains out of mole hills here

threebagsfull

Can it really be considered just a matter of opinion when there are cold hard facts there for everyone to see? If he has a convincing explanation for how women are still worse at driving despite the statistics, maybe it's food for thought, but if he's just repeating the same sh*t you hear from the usual pr*ck types and isn't willing to delve further into it, I can understand how that can be a deal breaker. If he's not capable of informing himself and being open minded then you should probably tell him how much it bothers you and maybe he'll cop on. Or not.

suicide_circus

I'd be more worried that at 31 years of age, he bases his opinions on what his dad thinks about things rather than the opinions themselves. Is he simple or something?

Saralee4

suicide_circus wrote: »

I'd be more worried that at 31 years of age, he bases his opinions on what his dad thinks about things rather than the opinions themselves. Is he simple or something?

OP has only had one fight with the guy and it was because he made a remark about women drivers. Most men I know make this joke as a wind up. It doesn't mean they really think women are inferior. It's the same as a joke about dumb blondes or boring brunettes or short people or tall people.

I think he said it without thinking and then when he seen it annoyed her, just wound you up more for a joke.

mada82

Think the OP and others are reading far too much into this.

I'm sure it was an off the cuff comment and even if he meant it so what. He's entitled to his opinion. Be it right or wrong.

ixus

If you're watching rubbish like soaps or reality tv and he's saying it's sh!te but I'll watch it to be with you, then you should be thankful.

It all sounds like he's playing up to being the older man who knows more and you're playing the young one who knows it all.

Oh, and you can insert "typical foreigner, taxi driver, boyracer, pr!ck in his flash car etc" would have been the remark.

KomradeBishop

This is one event, which doesn't really give much to go on, as an indication of his overall character - if, after trying to explain to him how that is a generalization which is insulting to all women, he doesn't respond positively and digs his heels in, then there's a chance he may be the stubborn type where there's nothing that will change his mind, and there will be little point trying to.

If that's the case, you'll just have to weigh up how much you're willing to put up with that, against the positives of the relationship.

I don't know the best way to try and point this out to him though - there are a lot of ways that will just lead to a straight-out row over the issue, which will just get both sides digging heels in, so not sure what a better way would be.

Also, in this case, I would not say that being 'opinionated' is an accurate description of the problem (nothing wrong with that in itself), it's more that his opinion is ignorant/offensive, and he doesn't seem to respond well to that being pointed out (not an uncommon thing, unfortunately - a bit of a problem for me, as I have a bit of an itch for calling-out this kind of stuff in people :pac:).

kippy

sup_dude wrote: »

I don't think so. You don't consider someone who believes their opinions are the best and the rest are just rubbish aren't inflexible? Or who believes (seriously) that women can't drive and just cause accidents, they aren't narrowminded?

I consider that there are two sides to every story and that anonymus internet posters who present a one sided view of a situation arent always the most accurate or trustworthy of sources while at the same time appreciating that in real world things are rarely black and white.

FullblownRose

yellowlabrador wrote: »

Maybe gently tease him when he starts. A lot of older couples who've been together for a long time tend to be masters at it. Nobody's perfect and we all have personal pet hates. You need to decide if he's the man for you by weighing up the pros versus the cons.
My bf had 'racist' tendencies, yet he was great friends with people from all cultures. He was also homophobic. He picked up these ideas when he was young and now he's nearing 70 , if he says anything borderline, I tease him and he ends up laughing. We've been together for 20 years and we haven't ever had a serious row. I'm sure that some of my ideas are old fashioned at times. We all need constant exposure to new ideas to grow as person.

This is excellent advice.

It's a great excercise in patience, going out with very 'opinionated' people especially when their opinions dont seem well thought out Laugh it off