I don't think I want to see my father anymore?

rosedream

Was debating whether to go anon or not, but I am tired of always having to hide the truth or put on a mask for stuff like this, so f**k it.

So for a while I have been thinking about my dad and how I just do not want to see him anymore. Reason for this is because for years he has been a depressed alcoholic. He was kicked out of the house for it, when me and my little sister were babies. So even though we saw him on weekends now and again, we never bonded because he was always in such a drunken state.

For the past two years, I have noticed that he was sober when we visited him. This should have been great thing, but it wasn't. It felt like he missed out on getting to know us and be part of out lives properly by sobering up, getting a job and really bonding with us and his side of the family. But it never happened and I still don't know my aunts, uncles, cousins on his side. Not only that, it feels like maybe he knows to become sober when we visit, because when it is Xmas, he gets completely hammered and all the same old stories come out.

Today we visited him, and was just going to let the hour go by and let him ramble on, until he told my older sis to go down to the shop and get him vodka. She refused, and he began to get stubborn, saying BD about being her dad and refusing that little bit of happiness for him.

She gave in, annoyed and when she left, I spoke back to him about it. I mean after so many years of staying quiet and afraid as a kid when he asked for drink or stumble around, talking about s**te, I had enough because at 21, I am sick of having to visit a man he did not care enough for us as kids to get help. Not only that, I wanted to see for sure if he really has a hateful, selfish streak underneath all that pity.

I told him how she does enough for him, and he didn't need more alcohol, and he said to me coldly "it's none of your business"
This was the first time he ever spoke to me in that tone, and it was just as well that at this stage I stopped caring and not get upset, but was still a bit shocked that he actually spoke to me like that.

After that, he got angry and started giving out, hoping we had a miserable Christmas. Cant remember what else he said, but it was just basically self-pity, the whole "Im here alone, no thanks to your bi*tch of a mother". story.

I didn't say anything, in case I added fuel to the fire by making him turn violent in his drunken state, but I kept my stare on him regardless. When my sister came back, basically he calmed down, but began getting riled up again, to a point where she told us to go out to the car. Once we went outside to the car we heard him shouting at her again even louder, and I tried running back to the door but couldn't get it open as I forgot it automatically locks when u close it. I didn't know what I planned to do, I just didn't think it was fair for her to take whatever was gonna happen from him.

Anyway we had to be dragged back in to hear the story of why he ended up the way he did (hated our grandfather, constant fighting in house, etc) after that he calmed down and we left.

My sister, who is the oldest and remembers it all, said how our mother put up with him for a long time because he began drinking even when they were together. He was disappearing, used to come up hammered shouting his head off about granddad and mam, ended up with a concussion coz he fell drunk and hit his head, and who was the one who saved, only our granddad. He went to rehab three times, only to f**k up his progress after a month. The one that really got to me was that my mam had to walk through the farm fields where we lived, 9months pregnant, during a heatwave, to find him passed out drunk in the field.

For the past few months, I have been debating about not wanting to see him again, but today has really pushed me to really disliking him and not wanting anything to do with him, even when he is sober. But after hearing what he is like, I am actually afraid to, because I would be afraid that if I stop, my little sister might want to stop, that he might spiral back to the alcohol again. Not only could we ruined any progress, the blame could be put on us for not caring enough, even though we don't know the man.


What should I do? Put up with him, even on drunk days, until he dies, or put my foot down and just say that I don't want to see him? Maybe this makes me sound cruel, but I feel nothing for him, I don't see him as a father, or a strong figure. All I have seen, especially after today, is a man who cared more for his addiction than his kids. I would have thought we would have been enough motivation to have gotten his life on track, but he missed that chance. I just don't think I'll ever get to look at him and get to know him as my dad.

TL;DR: Drunk dad problems, but please read the whole thing, I had to get everything out to see what we deal with.

boardie100

<mod snip: no need to quote the entire OP. Please think of our mobile users...>

first off I feel for you man, its tough for you to have to feel these kinds of feelings this time of year... I had a family member who used to go binges around every Christmas and it really upset the family with I was a little kid and even til this day Christmas brings back those bad memories... thankfully it never got so bad that the house split up...

it must be an awful feeling to have thoughts like that about ur father and it seems like you've stuck it out for a long time , at the end of the day though hes an adult and only he can deal with his own problems, u can be there for him but can't do much else... dont feel selfish for feeling that way.. u have to look out for your own welfare

PirateShampoo

You know what mate **** him, life is to short. You'll only wasting good positive energy on him and he will turn you more and more bitter in the process.

Crappyghost

Been there fellow boardsie, was in a very similar position myself for years, drunk dad etc. I suffered from an emotional mixture of loyalty,guilt, frustration and anger! Really messes with your head!

As your more than likely aware alcoholics DO NOT change over night so do not expect a change in behavior anytime soon. They also like to emotionally blackmail and manipulate, as evidenced by his behavior towards your sister......

Ultimately for me and my family the only option was to cut ties. No matter how much support or compassion we showed, we never got anything but lies, hurt and betrayal and after years it began to affect our mental health. Cutting ties was the best decision we ever made. So freeing.

You dont have to be responsible for the actions of other fully grown adults, and shouldn't have to put up with emotional abuse.

StormWarrior

Plenty of people aren't in contact with a parent, it's not unusual and you have every right to cut him out of your life. Frankly, considering his behaviour, I'm amazed you've put up with him for so long. The fact that he blames your mother rather than himself for his situation shows that he's never going to change. He tries to ruin his kids' Christmas and they have to run out to the car to get away from him with him shouting after them? That is appalling behaviour and there is no excuse for it. If I were you I would have ceased all contact with him already. He hasn't been a father to you, he has no claim on you at all.

HalloweenJack

I'd be similar to yourself.

My dad was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. My parents separated when I was still a baby and from then on, everything to do with my dad was always on his terms. As a kid, I really wanted to know him and have him in my life but he was such a disappointment and, as the years went by, I lost all my desire to get to know him or to even see him.

I avoid him as much as possible but when I do see him, I'm civil but I never initiate any kind of contact with him. Tbh, I wish it were different but I've found that that's the best way for me to deal with the situation.

You're an adult, you should feel free to make this decision and I think you'd be saving yourself a lot of grief.

AckwelFoley

Hes not positive for you and you need to give him a wide berth. If he cops on maybe you can have some relationship.if he doesn't you won't. Sorry for your predicament. It's a difficult one to have to cope with, but you have to think of yourself. He is only thinking of himself. People can be depressed, but there comes a point where they need to help themselves and think of others too. He's never finding the solution at the end of a bottle

zombieHanalei

Nothing wrong with cutting the chord and moving on. Sure, it can result in just accelerating his spiral, but my experience with a serious alcoholic in my family tells me that an addict will take any excuse they can to justify continuing their destructive behaviour.

Do not for one second hold yourself responsible for how he would choose to react to you cutting him out. You are absolutely entitled to remove yourself from a negative relationship.

Do what's right for yourself. Be prepared for other family members disagreeing with your position but don't let them change your mind. And don't encourage others to follow your lead. Not suggesting you were going to, I have no idea.

It should never be a permanent position, hopefully one day he will take responsibility for his life and decisions and actions and start making positive changes at which point it would be nice to being open to reopen lines of communication.

Sorry you're in this position; I've kind of been there, we all have our tipping point and you're on the brink at the moment. I went past that point and while I was never entirely comfortable with cutting the chord I have to say that on balance it was for the best. A part of the weight lifts but some of it will remain.

If you're worried that it may seem selfish; some would argue no it isn't, some would argue yes it is, some would recognise it really is a grey area. But even if it is selfish, is that so bad? We all need to be selfish at times. Ultimately the only person who can help your father is himself, there is very little you can do. Hopefully he will manage to do that one day, but until then, if you feel it is in your best interests to remove yourself from that situation, do it.

rosedream

Thank you for all the replies. He never really acted this bad before, but I think it had to take an incident like this to really think about whether I need him in my life or not.