Partner not pulling her weight

LegacyUser

Going Anon for this one

Been with my partner 5 years (lived together 3) and we in general have a great relationship - except she has been getting progressively lazier as the years have been going on.

We both work regular office jobs - no shift work involved and work rarely if ever comes home with us or interrupts the weekend.

However, in the last year - I have been doing pretty much everything around the house and outside it as well.

She has not cooked in the last 4 or 5 months, has not once gone to do the main shop by herself (and doesn't want to do it on a saturday or sunday as "it'll wreck the weekend"). I can't remember the last time she washed a cup or hoovered. Bins are my job and so on and so forth. We have a cleaner in once a week - the cleaner was my idea as I needed to regain a little sanity as I was often spending Saturday mornings taking care of the bathrooms etc.

I tried talking to her about it, but she throws the fact that I was away for 4 weeks for work back at me, and that she had to "everything"...which basically came down to ordering take out 5 nights a week and being out the two and having a cleaner in.

I don't want another year of this. What is strange is that aside from that, we do have a great time together, similar interests and we get on great with each others sets of friends. In general we are happy - i just don't want to start really resenting her for this and it clouding what is otherwise a great relationship.

Any ideas how to tackle it?

Tokyo

You say that aside from all this, you get on great together, but this isn't a trivial aspect of your relationship - it pretty much encompasses the whole "living together" part of your relationship. And there's something very wrong with the fact that she is completely uncompromising on this, to the point of throwing a work event in your face rather that even entertaining the discussion.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell her exactly what you told us here - that the day to day chores should be a shared responsibility, and that you are unwilling to continue into the new year like this. You don't have to get angry or upset, but be direct in what you want to say - that there needs to be some balance in the day to day chores - and don't let her fob you off with the 'when you were away that time' excuse - that really doesn't wash here.

If she's willing to discuss this, then consider sitting down with her and drawing up a schedule of what needs to be done every week - indoor and outdoor work. It doesn't have to be a straight-down-the-middle division of labour - discuss with her the chores that each of you absolutely hates to do, as what one person hates, the other may not mind so much. From that you can figure out a compromise to get through the housework in a way that's as pleasant as possible for both of you. It may also be possible to do certain household chores together (e.g. cooking, grocery shopping) to (a) split the workload and (b) do something together as opposed to one person feeling like they are carrying the can.

If she's not willing to entertain any of this, or if after discussing the situation, your partner absolutely refuses to share equally in household chores, and you're tired of carrying the load yourself, then you have some choices to make. You may have to ask yourself if you are willing to spend your longterm future with someone who is unwilling to carry her own water, while you are left picking up the slack.

StormWarrior

If talking to her doesn't work, Could you not just stop doing the chores and see if she starts?

ABajaninCork

Is there something wrong with her? Like is she depressed or physically ill? If she's not willing to discuss the situation? I'd go even further. I'd just cook for myself, do my own laundry and my own shopping.

tinkerbell

Well you solved the cleaning by hiring a cleaner. Solve the grocery shopping by ordering it online and getting it delivered at the weekend. Everything else, she needs to pull her weight. you're her partner, not her slave so you need to tell her she has to start pulling her socks up.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

shuffle65

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Is there something wrong with her? Like is she depressed or physically ill? If she's not willing to discuss the situation? I'd go even further. I'd just cook for myself, do my own laundry and my own shopping.

Just what I was thinking too. ..

fulmer1984

Patww79 wrote: »

Stop doing it too for a while until she notices the place gone to a mess and no food in the house.

Yeah was gonna write something similar. I had a habit of doing the most in the house at one point so just stopped doing it and she copped on eventually and picked up the slack. If she questions you just say its too much and you don't have time either

Ken.

Do up a chore plan for both of ye and put it on the fridge. Tell her it starts Jan 1st. If she won't go along with that I'd seriously consider cooking for myself,washing my delph afterwards, etc. Next step is separate places.

LegacyUser

Thanks for you messages!

So no...no depression, she is a genuinely chirpy person, social and outgoing. Her job is engaging and keeps her interested. She would have a wide enough circle of friends, family around that she's involved with.

I suppose the problem with leaving the delph etc is that it would affect me as well. I'm by no means OCD about cleanliness - every so often the dishes from the previous night would be left in the sink. But the issue is...that before dinner gets cooked, the dishes need to be washed...so who does them?

I was thinking about it further, and I just need to take the bull by the horns and talk to her about it. I suppose sat here mulling, there are other little things that show either she has no consideration or just a lack of awareness (she has to leave for work an hour before me, and so sets her alarm at 6am, but has the "snooze" on three or four times before she gets up)

Perhaps I should do so...but after christmas

jimmycrackcorm

I think the chore plan ken suggested is the way to go. But make sure to cross off tasks as they're done. Not only is it fair but you get a very obvious record of who is not doing their fair share.

iusedtoknow

As ever...the advice you're getting is sound here

Talk to her about it, and don't let the fact that you have to travel stand in the way of equal labor in the house. My wife is a doctor, and works insane hours - if she comes in very late at night (realistically 4 am) knowing that I have to be up in a few hours, she'll sleep in the spare room so as not to wake me. One morning, I woke up at 5 for an early meeting, came down to make a coffee and she was scrubbing the downstairs bathroom as it was "her week" to do it, and she let it slide - even though I wouldn't have noticed.

That is taking it to the nth degree, but it is the reality. I love cooking - i could do it 7 days a weeks with no issues, she hates it - she gets a crazed satisfaction from hoovering and mopping (it is crazed, but she's spanish, so I allow it). She has no issues loading /unloading the dishwasher and doing the surfaces after we've eaten. Bathrooms we both hate cleaning, but lets face it..who doesn't so we split it week on week. Bins would be done by whoever is home last and sees they're not out on the night in question. Shopping - I do, because if I take the car to work, the supermarket is on the way home and it takes 30/40 mins tops.

If there is anything else that needs done in the house, or she is on nights, or I am away etc....it gets done, eventually by one of us. But the point is - we know there HAS TO BE some give and take to what goes on to keep a home going.

Talk to her, tell her that you really need to split things, but be proactive about it and not passive aggressive. Both of you need to sit down with a list of EVERYTHING that needs done in the house either on a weekly/monthly basis. Then you each need to make a list in order of preference...say, top 5 - then everything else has to be split evenly.

blatantrereg

iusedtoknow wrote: »

As ever...the advice you're getting is sound here

Talk to her about it, and don't let the fact that you have to travel stand in the way of equal labor in the house. My wife is a doctor, and works insane hours - if she comes in very late at night (realistically 4 am) knowing that I have to be up in a few hours, she'll sleep in the spare room so as not to wake me. One morning, I woke up at 5 for an early meeting, came down to make a coffee and she was scrubbing the downstairs bathroom as it was "her week" to do it, and she let it slide - even though I wouldn't have noticed.

That is taking it to the nth degree, but it is the reality. I love cooking - i could do it 7 days a weeks with no issues, she hates it - she gets a crazed satisfaction from hoovering and mopping (it is crazed, but she's spanish, so I allow it). She has no issues loading /unloading the dishwasher and doing the surfaces after we've eaten. Bathrooms we both hate cleaning, but lets face it..who doesn't so we split it week on week. Bins would be done by whoever is home last and sees they're not out on the night in question. Shopping - I do, because if I take the car to work, the supermarket is on the way home and it takes 30/40 mins tops.

If there is anything else that needs done in the house, or she is on nights, or I am away etc....it gets done, eventually by one of us. But the point is - we know there HAS TO BE some give and take to what goes on to keep a home going.

Talk to her, tell her that you really need to split things, but be proactive about it and not passive aggressive. Both of you need to sit down with a list of EVERYTHING that needs done in the house either on a weekly/monthly basis. Then you each need to make a list in order of preference...say, top 5 - then everything else has to be split evenly.

I thought the chore schedule thing might come across like treating her like a child. However this post makes me think it is a good idea.

nc19

hohohohum wrote: »

mod snip, please only quote specific passages or points. Quoting the whole OP impacts our mobile contributors.

Taltos

Stop doing it! Simple.


When she asks whats for dinner you ask her what is she making. Dont pick up after her. Just do your own stuff. When she complains about the mess just point out its all hers.

Stavro Mueller

Some people are fundamentally lazy and are slobs. Perhaps now that you and your girlfriend are together for this long, she doesn't feel like she needs to make the effort any more and is reverting to type. Hopefully the talk will work but I'd not hold my breath. As it is, you've already skirted around the issue by getting in a cleaner.

dixiefly

Tbh, if I was in your shoes I would be wondering is this a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. They do say opposites attract but this is one of the areas in which opposites do not attract and resentment will build up.

Unless ye are really compatible from the point of view of shared interests etc and generally really like each other, families etc I would be questioning whether this is a relationship that can fundamentally survive without a significant change (probably from her).