How to help my brother

LegacyUser

Active user but going to go anon for this one. My brother is 17, still in school and we're having some trouble with him. He has almost no motivation for anything anymore. His schoolwork has been very poor by his standards this year and he no longer participates in sport for reasons he won't tell us; even playing football with his friends is too much for him. My family have tried talking to him about his schoolwork and his motivation for things and he constantly avoids the issue, gets very, very sensitive about things or just doesn't want to talk. He has big problems with opening up to people and he never discusses his feelings with others. Sometimes I might talk to someone outside the family and if I were to mention his name, and for one reason or another he were to find out about it, he completely flips and is furious, even if it was just a mention of how he was getting on or whatever. I've suggested he talk to a counsellor but he refused flat out so I really don't know what to do. I'd like him to have a little motivation inside him to do something with his life but he just seems to not care about doing anything anymore. Is there anything I can do? or should I just leave him be who he is? I know people should have personal liberty and all that, but I want to see him succeed and don't want him to do bad in school and not fulfill his potential. Thanks.

skooterblue2

So did was a very good at school previous to this?
Was he good at maths, accounting, Biology engineering, construction tech drawing etc etc
Poor at languages and stuff like that?
No signs of drugs but with drawn? doesnt like to be touched? If he could he could be in bed for days on end?
Disregard for personal hygiene.

LegacyUser

What? I'm sorry but your sentences aren't quite coherent. He has a lot of talent and ability but he doesn't seem to fulfill it is all I can say. He hasn't touched drugs, he doesn't even drink. And he doesn't spend days in bed, he just likes to get up very late at the weekends, usually at half 12 or 1 o'clock or so, but for lads his age that's not abnormal. I'm not massively worried about him, I'd just like him to do a bit better than he's doing atm, and get him involved in some activities outside of school.

skooterblue2

Sorry I wasnt concentrating. Was he very good at school up until recently with a fantastic recall?
So its safe to say it isnt drugs? Does he study or does he have an inability to focus? Like does he go up to his room and spend ages on subjects like Irish and french?
What is his hand writing like? nice and smooth or roughly and scratchy?
Has he got a girlfriend?

Big Bag of Chips

Skooterblue2, be careful of overstepping the line into medical diagnoses.

skooterblue2

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Skooterblue2, be careful of overstepping the line into medical diagnoses.

Seen and noted ....... I'll thread carefully this time. Wont mention certain words

skooterblue2

I would suggest you talk to someone who knows the family history, like a Nurse, Teacher, possibly even an Educational psychologist. See if there is a similar case on either side of the family, like an odd Uncle or a spinster Aunt.

Would you say he has a "Special interest" in certain subjects? A special interest is a subject where he has a unique or detailed knowledge, where for example he is a fan of Liverpool FC and he can recall dates, line ups, games, strips and argue a position passionately or "pedantically"?

Big Bag of Chips

skooterblue2, enough. Offer advice based on the information the poster has given. Your line of questioning is skating very close to applying "symptoms" to a particular condition. You have been told before, you are not qualified to diagnose. Even if you were, it would be foolish in the extreme to offer a suggested diagnoses based on a few lines of text.

Offer advice to the OP, by way of what they might be able to do to help or seek help for their brother. If you continue this line of questioning you will be taking a week off from Personal Issues.

skooterblue2

following the guidelines I have been given:

I am not sure to tell you where to start OP, but there is plenty of material out there to read and do your own research. Also use Youtube. You cant do anything for him until he admits there is a problem himself. Also consult a nurse or teacher that knows the family well.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I realise you're not qualified to make a judgement but some of those things you mentioned do fit his case very closely. He recognises that there are issues he needs to sort out, he agrees with our theories on how to solve these issues but crucially, he just doesn't want to make a change. He can be very stubborn in this regard. I've suggested getting him to talk to somebody, anybody at all, but he gets incredibly defensive and goes off sarcastically saying he is depressed and should be on suicide watch. I'd like for him to be able to open up to people but he trusts nobody and guards his emotions fiercely.

skooterblue2

anon18 wrote: »

he just doesn't want to make a change. He can be very stubborn in this regard. I've suggested getting him to talk to somebody, anybody at all, but he gets incredibly defensive and goes off sarcastically saying he is depressed and should be on suicide watch. I'd like for him to be able to open up to people but he trusts nobody and guards his emotions fiercely.

I wonder what it could be? ...... I'll tell you what. List all the symptoms and take them to a secondary Teacher or psychiatric nurse..... (shouldnt be too hard to find in the community). The recommendations I said where they overlap write them down.
Then you will get closer to the answer. Dont go to the school with them because they have already missed it. The problem needs a fresh set of eyes

Zambia

Anon18 wrote: »

What? I'm sorry but your sentences aren't quite coherent. He has a lot of talent and ability but he doesn't seem to fulfill it is all I can say. He hasn't touched drugs, he doesn't even drink. And he doesn't spend days in bed, he just likes to get up very late at the weekends, usually at half 12 or 1 o'clock or so, but for lads his age that's not abnormal. I'm not massively worried about him, I'd just like him to do a bit better than he's doing atm, and get him involved in some activities outside of school.

Sounds to me like he is up late what's he doing in the small hours of the morning?

skooterblue2

Zambia wrote: »

Sounds to me like he is up late what's he doing in the small hours of the morning?

that is a good point .... take note of that OP.....

LegacyUser

To be honest I usually go to bed later than him; he's just a lazy sod in the morning and won't get up. Usually when he's up late, he's just watching telly in the sitting room or something similar.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you are worried about him, but maybe you are being over protective. You mention that he has a big problem with opening up to others and discussing his feelings... I think a lot of people do. It doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. It just means they are private and don't go in for all that soap opera "talk it out" stuff!

He is 17 which can be a tricky age. He's almost an adult, but isn't really. Maybe school are piling on pressure about the leaving, college etc and maybe he's realising that he doesn't want to go to college. Maybe he's thinking about getting a trade? It's all very easy to sit here and say "maybe it's this, that or the other", because it genuinely could be any of a hundred things.

There have been studies recently on teens and sleep and how their sleep patterns differ to those of a child or adult - which is why teens can easily stay in bed til midday. Lack of sleep, or the wrong type of sleep, could also be contributing to all of those things you have mentioned.

I think the best you and your family can do is keep an eye on him, from a safe distance! Don't be in his face. Don't be at him about what's wrong and why won't he open up. Try not to get frustrated or annoyed at him. Maybe nominate 1 person to be the one who little by little talks to him. Makes suggestions to him of things to do. As mentioned above, maybe one of your parents should go in and speak to a teacher or the careers teacher in school to see has he shown an interest in anything. A visit to the GP might also help, but at 17 if he doesn't want to go to the GP you can't drag him.

If 1 person in the family can talk to him from the angle of "what do you think will help you feel better/do well" etc it might be better than approaching it from the angle of "we want you to do well" "we want you to reach your potential" "we want....". It's his life not yours, and at the end of the day what you want for him and what he wants for himself might be two very different things.

Glinda

My experience of teens (considerable) is that they will talk to you if they trust you and if you spend enough, relaxed, friendly one-to-one time with them. By this I mean at least a couple of hours, in a pleasant setting away from everyone else.

If you're worried about your brother maybe you could try to do some things together that you both find fun and relaxing, where you don't have any agenda other than to hang out with him for a while doing something. If he can see this as something about you rather than him this would take the pressure off him and you might be surprised at how much he will talk to you.

Examples might be going on a trip somewhere together (just the two of you). Or asking him to go with you to do some task that takes a few hours that you could genuinely do with help with (outdoorsy ones work especially well).

When you are seventeen you are still discovering who you are as an adult and on top of that you have the really daunting task of communicating who you are to your family and having them accept that. It's really tough.

It's a relief to know that someone close sees who you really are and finds you fully acceptable, even nice to be with, that they are interested in what you say and take it seriously.

I know he might refuse to spend any time with you point blank, but don't give up, keep trying. It might take a fair investment of your time.

The conversation will be probably fairly inane for the first while (pass me that screw driver, or did you see yer wan with the dog) but if you listen it will eventually and casually move to the things that mean something to him, the stuff that's going on day to day that he's thinking about or that's important to him.

It's important to listen well, not interrupt and to make generally positive encouraging noises to show that you understand and can relate. Don't contradict or lecture, it's about listening and learning for you, not teaching him.

Even if it doesn't solve anything big straight away, you and your brother will be closer as a result and building a relationship will make it easier for him to trust you if he needs help.

Best of luck with it all - remember he has years and years to make a life for himself so it's ok if he's confused for a bit in his teens - happens to the best of us. As long as he feels connected and loved he should be ok.

StormWarrior

If he won't see a counsellor, suggest that he sees his GP about his lack of motivation, for some blood tests to rule out physical causes like thyroid problems or vitamin deficiencies. It will be less embarrassing for him to start getting help if it may be a physical rather than a mental problem. If the doctor finds there's nothing wrong with him physically, then he's already spoken to the doctor about his symptoms and it will be easier for him to continue discussing it.

Glinda

Oh, and I would caution strongly against trying to push him to do anything (including seeking counselling etc.) if you're not in a position where he can listen to you.

Establish trust and connection before you suggest that you think he has a problem or something is wrong with him (unless you're seriously concerned he might come to harm). Otherwise you're wasting your time because he won't take on board a word you say, he'll just think you're getting at him like everyone else.

Rubberchikken

Males tend to talk better when they're occupied. So if you approach him just off the bat with a 'whats going on' question, it can get the back up and no answers forthcoming.

Could you arrange a day out with him. Even a few hours- hike, walk whatever he'd be interested in. It can be a good way to chat without the obvious 'pressure'

He doesn't sound like he's doing anything different to any other teen staying up late, maybe letting the school work slide a little so there could be a simple explanation.
Good luck. You sound like a caring sibling.