How can I persuade my grandmother to go?

LegacyUser

I've been my grandmother's carer for the past 6 years (I'm 30) since leaving university. My mother asked me to do it as she doesn't like leaving her mother alone as she's fallen over a few times. I get carer's allowance for it. I absolutely hate the job. My grandmother is a miserable old bytch who loves making life miserable for me. She runs me ragged doing chores for her, moans constantly and is completely ungrateful. The only break I've had in the past 6 years is when she went into hospital for a few weeks last year. I am absolutely desperate for a break.

This Christmas, she and my mother were invited to go and stay with my sister for a few days. I want them to go so that I can be alone in the house and have a break for a few days. My grandmother said she wouldn't go as she didn't want me alone for Christmas. I came right out and told her that I need a break and I really want her to go. (the real reason she didn't want to go is because she is incredibly lazy). Everyone worked on her and persuaded her and eventually she said she would go. Now she's changed her mind.

She says she's too ill to go. This is complete bollox. She's not ill at all. She says she has a chest infection but she doesn't. My mother, a nurse, has checked her over and says she is fine. She refuses to see the doctor because she knows she's not ill. She's been out going for walks, even today, so she is clearly absolutely fine. She just doesn't want to go because she's a lazy, selfish bytch.

I can't afford to stay in a hotel and I want some time alone. I haven't had any alone time in so long. I am desperate. I do not want another Christmas stuck here being her slave. How can I persuade her to go?

Penny Tration

Hey OP, did you post about your grandmother several months back? I'm sure I remember a very similar post.

I don't know what to tell you to do for Christmas, but in general - stop being her carer. Get out of there.

CaraMay

Shame on you for talking about your grandmother like that yet sticking out your hand for carers allowance. You evidently have no respect for her so the best thing you can do is give the job to someone who deserves it. Your post reminds me of those horrific videos from the care home in mayo. How dare you treat someone in your care with so little respect!

DoYouEvenLift

CaraMay wrote: »

Shame on you for talking about your grandmother like that yet sticking out your hand for carers allowance. You evidently have no respect for her so the best thing you can do is give the job to someone who deserves it. Your post reminds me of those horrific videos from the care home in mayo. How dare you treat someone in your care with so little respect!

Why should they respect her when they clearly say their grandmother's a horrible, negative and ungrateful person? Do you think everyone deserves unconditional respect? Because the last time I checked respect was earned and only given to those who have earned it from the individual.

NoMore MrNiceGuy

CaraMay wrote: »

Shame on you for talking about your grandmother like that yet sticking out your hand for carers allowance. You evidently have no respect for her so the best thing you can do is give the job to someone who deserves it. Your post reminds me of those horrific videos from the care home in mayo. How dare you treat someone in your care with so little respect!

Give over. His or Her life has been dominated since her teens.

CaraMay

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

Give over. His or Her life has been dominated since her teens.

So put his hand back in his pocket and let an actual carer care. Doesn't sound like he is earning the allowance. The way he talks about a person in his care is vile.

CaraMay

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

Why should they respect her when they clearly say their grandmother's a horrible, negative and ungrateful person? Do you think everyone deserves unconditional respect? Because the last time I checked respect was earned and only given to those who have earned it from the individual.

He is the one earning. No one should 'care' for someone they despise.

eviltwin

CaraMay wrote: »

Shame on you for talking about your grandmother like that yet sticking out your hand for carers allowance. You evidently have no respect for her so the best thing you can do is give the job to someone who deserves it. Your post reminds me of those horrific videos from the care home in mayo. How dare you treat someone in your care with so little respect!

Was it really necessary to post this Caramay? The OP clearly takes the role of carer seriously and carers need a break too. 6 years with only a brief break would drive anyone crazy. Its also very bad for the health of the carer not to have regular time outs.

OP, I think your family have let you down badly here. Its a disgrace that they haven't helped you out over the years and given you time off. I think you are doing a great job but its not really your responsibility to care for your grandmother and if I were you I would be looking to end that in the New Year. While you are caring for her your life is on hold and it doesn't seem like anyone really appreciates you anyway. Time to start thinking about yourself for a change. 6 years is amazing and you have more than done what you needed to do. I don't think at this stage there is much you can do about Christmas, you can't force her to go...is there any chance you can organise with your family to come down and stay with her and let you have some time off that way?

seventeen sheep

Are you both living in her home? I think it's a bit much of you to expect her to leave her own home for Christmas against her wishes, especially since you're essentially making a living off her ... I mean, if she died tomorrow and you stopped getting carers allowance, what would you live off?

Six years is a hell of a career gap to try to explain if you're ever looking for a job in the future. I think you need to step up and take personal responsibility for your life. Your grandmother won't be her forever.

No advice for kicking her out of her own home for Christmas, I'm afraid (it's sad that she feels the need to lie about being sick to get to stay there.) But in the long term, you really need to sort your life out.

CaraMay

Would you want an elderly family member looked after by someone who calls her miserable, lazy, selfish and a b1tch??? If he can't do the job then don't! Go find a job and give the carers role to someone who will gave respect for her no matter how hard she is to desk with. Can't believe the furore over Aras Attracta and people are here backing a carer who speaks about an elderly woman like that.

eviltwin

CaraMay wrote: »

Would you want an elderly family member looked after by someone who calls her miserable, lazy, selfish and a b1tch??? If he can't do the job then don't! Go find a job and give the carers role to someone who will gave respect for her no matter how hard she is to desk with. Can't believe the furore over Aras Attracta and people are here backing a carer who speaks about an elderly woman like that.

Calm down, there is nothing in the OP's post to suggest abuse. Familiarity breeds contempt. Anyone spending all their time looking after another without any time off will become resentful and angry. The only thing the OP's attitude shows is how badly he or she is in need of a break.

bee06

CaraMay wrote: »

Would you want an elderly family member looked after by someone who calls her miserable, lazy, selfish and a b1tch??? If he can't do the job then don't! Go find a job and give the carers role to someone who will gave respect for her no matter how hard she is to desk with. Can't believe the furore over Aras Attracta and people are here backing a carer who speaks about an elderly woman like that.

Do you think just because the grandmother is elderly that means she's not a b*tch? Old people can be just as nasty as young people.

OP, if you are the same people who posted about being your grandmothers carer a few months ago a few days break isn't going to cut it. Get out and find another job.

miamee

CaraMay wrote: »

Shame on you for talking about your grandmother like that yet sticking out your hand for carers allowance. You evidently have no respect for her so the best thing you can do is give the job to someone who deserves it. Your post reminds me of those horrific videos from the care home in mayo. How dare you treat someone in your care with so little respect!

Respect is a two-way street regardless of age. It doesn't sound like the OP gets much respect or thanks for being a carer.

OP, can someone else take over for a day or two at Christmas to give you a break? I.e. could you go to your sisters and let someone else check in on your grandmother or spend the day with her? She sounds relatively able bodied if going out for walks and sound of mind so a few hours by herself shouldn't be a big deal if she is determined to stay home.

On the bigger picture, 6 years is an awfully long time and it might be time to sit down with your family including your grandmother and discuss the best plan for everyone with regard to her care.

StormWarrior

CaraMay wrote: »

Shame on you for talking about your grandmother like that yet sticking out your hand for carers allowance. You evidently have no respect for her so the best thing you can do is give the job to someone who deserves it. Your post reminds me of those horrific videos from the care home in mayo. How dare you treat someone in your care with so little respect!

Let's see you devote years of your life to caring for an ungrateful person and then see how you feel about it. Does it not occur to you that the OP might have nowhere in real life to vent their frustrations? Also does it not occur to you that maybe nobody else will take the job on?

OP, you can't persuade her. Your family has tried and failed to do so. Just leave the whole situation.

CaraMay

I didn't see any sign of devotion. I'm a carer. It's a thankless job and some people are just not cut out for it - evidently.

Op you need to get a break from other family members and also get a new job

LegacyUser

I'm a bit confused about why people think getting carer's allowance is "making a living." I get about £60 a week, it's not enough to live on and I've gotten into debt. You are very ignorant, Caramay, if you think I am doing this for the money. I actually wanted to go abroad and study languages but my mother persuaded me to do this to help her, because otherwise she would have had to quit her job to care for her mother, which she can't afford to do. I am doing this for my mother, not for the wads of cash that I'm clearly rolling in. There isn't anyone else who can take over. Any I defy you not to grow to hate somebody when you receive nothing but abuse from them day in, day out, for years on end. I don't want to drop my mother in it by leaving permanently, I just want this selfish old woman to give me my first break in ages. And by the way, I've never abused her verbally or any other way, that is why I am venting here.

GalwayGuitar

Put her in the old folks' home.

MagicMarker

OP, you are wasting your youth on this person. Not only does she sound horrible, but your mother is obviously cut from the same cloth. Why can't she take care of her own mother?

suds1984

How about your mother and sister come and stay with your grandmother for Christmas and you stay at your sisters for a break - house swap of sorts?

StormWarrior

CaraMay wrote: »

I didn't see any sign of devotion.

Giving up 6 years of your life for somebody else sounds pretty devoted to me.

CaraMay

StormWarrior wrote: »

Giving up 6 years of your life for somebody else sounds pretty devoted to me.

It's his job - he is getting paid for it

afterglow

CaraMay wrote: »

Would you want an elderly family member looked after by someone who calls her miserable, lazy, selfish and a b1tch??? If he can't do the job then don't! Go find a job and give the carers role to someone who will gave respect for her no matter how hard she is to desk with. Can't believe the furore over Aras Attracta and people are here backing a carer who speaks about an elderly woman like that.

Hi CaraMay

I can understand why you would think the way you do on the face of it, however, two things set this apart from Aras Attracta in my opinion.
1, there is nothing to suggest that the OP's grandmother has a developmental disability of any kind, noth that anyone should treat any old person in their care bad no matter what, and what happpened at that place, well there are no words to describe it, but I don't think we're comparing like with like in comparing the OP to what happened at aras attracta, as presumably, this woman is well able to, and quite often makes known her dislikes for things based on the OP, and this would be quite difficult to deal with 24/7 with only a small break in 6 years, clearly OP has been taken advantage of.
Secondly, I would put money on it, if this lady had someone from the HSE coming in to take care of her, she would not be in any way "difficult" with them. Again just going off the OP, but often people can be very off hand with family members and then if someone from a hospital or whatever came to do same job, no problem, often family members feel it easy to be off hand with family members, but wouldln't dream of it with someone else.
If I heard of a family member speaking about someone in my famliy like that though, and without knowledge of how they felt the situation was, I would probably react similarly to you.
OP I do think you are being taken advantage of, and maybe time now to try to work in what you trained in at uni, or a different field if that's what you want. You have helped as much as you can at this point.

StormWarrior

CaraMay wrote: »

It's his job - he is getting paid for it

He or she went to university. They could no doubt have gotten a proper, well-paying job if they hadn't given it all up to selflessly care for somebody else in exchange for a pittance.

I thought threads were meant to stay on topic? The OP wants to know how to persuade his grandmother to go and visit relatives for Christmas. Tearing the OP down because, in your opinion, he's not a good enough carer, is off-topic.

Tokyo

CaraMay - I realise that this is an emotive topic for many, but there is a definite line between providing constructive advice, and soapboxing, and your posts are most definitely crossing into the latter here. Whether you agree with them or not, the OP has come here for advice on their situation - if you can't post toward that situation, please don't post at all.

Everybody else, if we can get back on topic please.
Regards,
Mike

Lambofdave

I think the OP and CaraMay both need to talk to someone.

Sittingpretty

OP - is your Grandma your Mom's mother?

hairyslug

For Christmas, there's not much you can do except try and convince your relations that they should come over to you for a few days.

For the long term (speaking from recent experience, where tbh I was feeling exactly the same as you) you need to let all involved know how you feel and explain that you cannot go on doing this by yourself, 6 years is a hell of a long time and it will wear you down. A short break will not fix the problem, it could even make it worse. Maybe its time for you to hang up the gloves and let someone else take over

ElleEm

OP, I really feel for you. I can see your frustration and exhaustion in your writing and it certainly seems like you are recieving very little support.

I cannot convey this strongly enough, but itis time to move on. You may have a million reasons why you feel you can't, practical reasons or guilt or familial pressure, but for you, you have to move on. My own mother gave up so much of herself as a full time carer for her mother, who sounds exactly like your grandmother. I watched for years how it broke away any light and happiness in her. It affected her mental health and her other relationships, but she continued to do it with no support from her siblings because of the guilt of not doing it.

You are sacrificing what should be the best years of your life and it is not doing you any good. Get in contact with other carers in similar situation and use them for support until you set up a plan for getting out. This cannot go on x

Rubberchikken

I realist elderly peole can, like kids, be trying at times, but they are vulnerable and need people who want to care for them.

If you really don't want to do it, then after christmas go about getting soneone else to look after your grandmother.

In the meantime, try speaking to your mother. See if she can help in some way.

Hannibal Smith

CaraMay wrote: »

Would you want an elderly family member looked after by someone who calls her miserable, lazy, selfish and a b1tch??? If he can't do the job then don't! Go find a job and give the carers role to someone who will gave respect for her no matter how hard she is to desk with. Can't believe the furore over Aras Attracta and people are here backing a carer who speaks about an elderly woman like that.

Because the woman is elderly she can't be any of those things? Grow up!

Op if she's making your life that difficult could you not call it a day? Life is too short!

hagoonabear

Jesus op get away from her before she ruins your sanity I have an aunt just like that verty bitter and mean maybe go to s carers association and ask for help it can be done. My mother is a carer for my grandfather for the last ten years and she gives him 70 out of the allowance every week just so he can spoil himself abit . Even though he's a cute little man her brothers and sisters seem to think just because she gets paid €130 a week that she should be there 24/7 they are selfish non visitors and don't care but everyone deserves a break .

Get in touch with a carers association they could provide a new carer keep up the faith op x

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Would you want an elderly family member looked after by someone who calls her miserable, lazy, selfish and a b1tch??? If he can't do the job then don't! Go find a job and give the carers role to someone who will gave respect for her no matter how hard she is to desk with. Can't believe the furore over Aras Attracta and people are here backing a carer who speaks about an elderly woman like that.

Hold on where did the OP say he called her a miserable, lazy, selfish b*tch to her face? They don't want to do the job that doesn't mean they can't do the job. They are clearly on their last rope and came here to vent. I worked retail for years and my mother thought I was the most awful person because of some of the things I said about customers when I was with her but one day she called into the shop and had to wait a bit while I finished up and she said she was amazed how nice and cheerful I was. I never had a complainant made about me when I worked there and in fact had many customers compliment me to my manager yet I hated working there so much. if you think some of the people you interact with on a daily basis don't go home and b!tch and moan and vent about it your kidding yourself.

OP whatever about the Xmas you need to sort yourself for the future. Sit down with your family and tell them your no longer willing to be her full time career and you all need to decide how to go further - either you divide up her care or another family member takes over or consider getting outside help.

ABajaninCork

Are you able to get your Gran into respite care for a bit until you can decide what to do?

Stavro Mueller

OP my heart goes out to you. You've really been let down by your family and I can't even begin to imagine how awful you feel now. For your immediate problem, I don't know what you can do to persuade your grandmother to go. Is there anyone from your family who can come and help you out and give you a break on the day? Or even be some sort of company for you?

Regarding your own situation, have you looked into ways you could get back to education? You're 30 years of age and it's not right that you're subsisting on £60 a week. You went to university, you had plans, you had a future. Instead your mother took advantage of your good nature and look where it has landed you. I accept you don't want to drop your mother into it but you have given up 6 years of your life (and saved her an absolute fortune) by looking after your gran. You've done your bit and it's time for other people to step up to the plate. Who says only you should be looking after granny?

I think in the new year you should sit down with your mother and set a date by which you intend to end being a carer. It'd be great if you had something lined up (a course, for example) to really add a touch of finality to this. Otherwise you could find yourself at 40, still looking after gran who's still around, broke, no job, lonely.... For your own sake you have to get out.

Stavro Mueller

Just to add: A friend of mine was in the lucky position of being able to take a career break to look after her mother. Her family chipped in and paid her the same salary as she had been earning while she was working. I wonder if you found out what you would've been earning if you hadn't been sidelined like this, could it be a bargaining tool? Tell your family that to continue being a carer you must be paid properly. It'd not get you away from gran in the short term of course but at least you'd be able to put away some money and plan your escape.

LegacyUser

Op did you post a few months ago? I do remember a similar thread, however I thought your mother made you leave your course and as a result you didn't get your qualification.
Look you have done your time, the job is not good for your mental health and your gran could live for another 20 years, are you going to continue to look after her? €60 a week is nothing and you're in debt? you need to think about you and your future? Your mother is working and continuing with her career, why can't you do the same?

kylith

Could you ask your sister to come visit her so she and your mother can take care of your nan for a couple of days and you could go to her or a friend's house for a couple of days for a break?

A few days of doing your job might give you some bargaining advantage to get them to pitch in and give you a few day's break here and there.

Aone who thinks that old people can't be vicious, bigoted, miserable, selfish bastards and bitches hasn't spent an awful lot of time with old people. They're exactly like young people, just wrinkly. If someone was a miserable baggage when she was 35 she's going to be just as much of a miserable baggage when she's 85.

dellas1979

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I think in the new year you should sit down with your mother and set a date by which you intend to end being a carer. It'd be great if you had something lined up (a course, for example) to really add a touch of finality to this. Otherwise you could find yourself at 40, still looking after gran who's still around, broke, no job, lonely.... For your own sake you have to get out.

OP I whole heartedly agree with the above...

The Christmas issue seems to be a symptom of whats really going on in a far greater picture.

You are still so young.

Why do you still want to be in this situation?

Stavro Mueller

Families can be shockingly selfish when it comes to the issue of caring for a relative. To put it bluntly, you were the schmuck who got landed with the booby prize of minding gran. I feel a little angry reading what you've been put through just so that everyone else could continue to live their lives. The selfish swines didn't see fit to give you any extra money either for the sacrifices you've made just so they don't have to worry about granny.

Edit: Just be warned (in the unlikely case you didn't know) that your family are going to do everything in their power to keep you trapped at home minding gran. So if you can at all, get yourself a Plan B or at the very least put your foot down in a big way and do some bargaining to your advantage.

bjork

Go stay with your sister for a few days. Leave your Gran at home and your mother to look after her.
If your Gran then decides to go because you are, change you plans to stay by yourself. If you stay at this longer your mam really needs to step up and help you by giving you frequent breaks and a few days to yourself when she is not working. If you decide to change career, do not let your worry about them hold you back. They will readjust to you being gone,

It is important for carers to get a break. It is a full time, emotionally hard job. They can become frustrated and without a break is when sometime the frustration is then taken out on the patient. I'm not suggesting your are abusive in any way, but I am telling you it is very important to do get away for a few days to yourself, both for your own and your grandmothers sake (but I'm sure you're very aware of this).

Mathrew

What ever and who ever she is you have to respect her because she's grandmother.

ElleEm

Mathrew wrote: »

What ever and who ever she is you have to respect her because she's grandmother.

Respect is earned, and "whoever she is" does not matter. Your post seems quite naive. Family don't get to behave with no consequences just because they are related.

January

Op are you in England? I don't know about over there but my mother in law is carer for her husband and he goes to respite every couple of months so she can have a break. Could you organise something like that in the new year and the reevaluate if you want continue with the arrangement?