How to deal with difficult mother at Christmas

LegacyUser

Hi all just posting her as I am at wits end. I'm 25 female and normally return home once a month due to the difficult relationship I have with my mother. To the outside world, she is hard working, loyal and friendly. At home she can be a nightmare. She is someone who could fly off the handle at nothing or the smallest of things and scream, shout at me and insult me for no reason. It's like this most of the year but it gets worse around Christmas.
To start with, our house is never clean and tidy. I offer to clean and usually I just staft tidying things away but there is so much clutter there is nowhere for it to go but I do my best. The kitchen is so bad the worktop and kitchen table can't be seen as there is stuff everywhere. It's embarrassing how bad it is. This morning I started clearing away things from the worktop and I was told to stop that she would do it later. This happens but ends up in a cycle of the house being tidy for maybe a week before it goes back to being a mess. I honestly don't understand how she lives in a place that isn't even basically tidy and clean.
Since she retired she has a 2 day week job locally. Where she works is kept absolutely spotless and she could spend hours there perfectinf various things while the house at home is left in state. It's like she is in denial or something.
Another thing which has me dreading Christmas is last year where she flew off the handle at me on Christmas eve morning over something ridiculous. I left the house for the day and came back later but to be honest it ruined Christmas because I was tip-toeing around her for most of it. It is clear to me she hates Christmas as she seems to get angry and out of control moreso at this time.
At the moment I feel like I am at my wits end. I try to help and I get told to go away. I ask is there anything she needs bought or any present and she says "would you stop annoying me". I have knots in my stomach going around. I swore after last year I wouldn't have a Christmas so tense but this morning and today I feel so anxious about everything. I have suffered anxiety and major self esteem issues in the past over her behaviour towards me and have been to counselling. I don't have a clue what to do to just survive Christmas without a breakdown. I have just recently felt like I am back to myself and really happy after the ending of a three year relationship and now I just feel sort of trapped and living in constant dread. I guess I just posted here to get it off my chest and if anyone had any words of advise or wisdom on how to handle the next few weeks it would be great.
Thanks for reading. Sorry about the length of this.

matrim

Easiest answer is to only go for as short a time as possible. Get there late on Christmas eve and leave on the 26th. That way there is as little time as possible to have a bust up.

In terms of the cleaning, offer to help but if she says no, then just leave it at that.

Rubberchikken

Some people hate this time of year. Maybe because of something that happened previously. Have you ever spoken to her about why she gets out of sorts at christmas?

As you dont live there all the time, maybe it's best to leave the house as it is.
She is capable of keeping what's important to her tidy, so maybe she doesn't want the kitchen etc tidy for reasons best known to her.

I think you should try tp get a chance to get her to talk. See if she's feeling ok.

neemish

OP, I hear you. I dreaded Christmas for years because of my parents. My own learning has been that Christmas is not the time to sort out family problems - it's about survival!

If you think about it, it's only one day that you absolutely have to be at home. And even then, there may be a way out. Is there a charity swim/walk taking place nearby? or do you live somewhere that you could go out to stretch the legs (otherwise translates as get the hell out of there). Other than that, you may just have to say "there she goes again" in your head if she starts hassling you. Like another poster suggested, perhaps a long break at home isn't what you need right now. Make where-ever you live cosy, buy a box of celebrations, have a movie marathon, visit friends, make Christmas your own.

(Another thought - do you HAVE to go home at all? Was chatting to a friend the other day who said he loves Christmas Day because he spends it on his own, eating food he loves, listening to music he loves etc.)

emzippy

Hi OP,

I just wanted to reply because I too have a difficult mother. The difference is she's an alcoholic and a gambler.

Christmas every year is such a stressful time because of her behaviour. So much so that this is the 2nd year I won't be going home for Christmas.

It took me a really long time to come to that decision. It's hard not being at home for Christmas but you have to think what's best and healthiest for you and I have to say I'm so much happier for it.

If you do want to go home maybe, as others have said, look into involving yourself in others things so you're not in the house as much or go home for the shortest time possible.

I'd also ignore the mess. Probably easier said that done though. With the shouting and flying off the handle you can either be calm and set boundaries e.g. In a calm voice say "I'm an adult, please don't speak to me like that" or just let it wash over you/ignore it. I know for me though when I ignore stuff like this, I internalise my anger instead. I suppose whatever works best for you.

I'm in no way trying to give medical advice as per the charter but have you ever heard of obsessive compulsive personality disorder? (Different to OCD). I know someone very like your mother who has this.

Teyla Emmagan

Is it just the two of you OP? Could you have your mother over to your's this year instead of going home? The house seems to be an issue, it would be a way of avoiding it. Either go for as short a time as possible, or don't go at all. Why can't you and your mother just talk about this. "I don't think you like Christmas much, and I don't enjoy it either - let's just not have it".

chicorytip

Your mother may be suffering from a mild form of Schizophrenia.This might explain her contradictory," street angel,house devil" type of behaviour. The verbal outbursts which you describe are usuallly a sign of somebody who is stressed or anxious.Perhaps there are external issues in her life that she is unwilling to discuss with you.
I should say I am not a Doctor or Psychotherapist but I have experienced similar difficulties with a member of my own family. The best advice I can offer you is to try and keep the channels of communication open as much as possible even if it results in blazing rows ! I get the impression you love your mother and would like for you both to have a normal, stable relationship.You should not hesitate to seek the advice of suitably qualified medical personnel.
I wish you both well.

dudara

@chicorytip - Please refrain from medical diagnosis. That is not allowed on Boards.

dudara

Santa Cruz

They say that Christmas is for families but the more I see and hear of some of the problems that arise in families at Christmas the more I think that they should stay apart unless there is not going to be any arguments. Alcohol, bad memories of childhood, broken relationships etc.all seem to come into discussions and cause immense grief.