Don't want to make a fool of myself

LegacyUser

Is it wise to tell somebody you have feelings for them at the risk they don't feel the same way. I know this person cares about me but I'm not sure on what level and really don't want to make a fool of myself and jeopardize what it is at the moment a really lovely friendship. However, I just can't stop thinking about them and wondering 'what if' etc etc. I'm driving myself insane and haven't felt like this in years. I came close to saying it recently but do feel if a man likes me that way, he'd surely have acted on it by now.

There has been plenty of attention, hugs, compliments etc etc. but I can't read the signals well enough to be certain that I'm not over reading somebody who is just being nice or if I've been friend zoned, he may be gay - I don't know. I'm not the easiest in the world either at showing somebody that their 'advances' are welcome. I am quite shy but put on a 'fun confident' front but really clam up if somebody shows me attention. I know I gave this person the impression at the beginning that we were 'just friends' as I didn't want to look like a fool. Now I'm kicking myself a bit for that but also afraid I've completely misread the situation anyway. I was going to sit back and just see how the future plays out but did that years ago and missed an opportunity which I regretted a long time.

Mr. Incognito

Just ask them.

You can always mend a friendship.

You cant mend ignorance without knowledge

Mick Murdock

OP, we've all been there. The fact is most people are shy in these situations. Assuming he's not gay (do you have a suspicion that he is?) most guys that are complimentary, hug you etc. will have some feelings for you. Assuming this isn't always under the influence of alcohol or something I suspect he does like you too.

Is it possible to be more flirtatious with him and judge how he reacts? Even by text or whatsapp if not in person. Don't overdo it but you can suggest it without directly asking him if you find it too difficult.
Besides all that, how would you feel if somebody told you they liked you but it wasn't reciprocated? Probably flattered, maybe a little embarrassed (for yourself) but you wouldn't think any less of the person.

I lived with my gf as a housemate for 18 months before finally having the courage to ask her out. Normally your gut instinct is right..

What's the worst that can happen? Hope it goes well!

LegacyUser

OP here,
Mr Incognito, I know I can mend a friendship but I'd have to encounter this person regularly and can't avoid that so would be very awkward.

MM - The reason I haven't ruled out gay, well, is because I haven't and because of the affection without having asked me out I guess. I have felt through texts we have actually both been quite flirtatious but then began to wonder had I misread it. There has never been alcohol involved so I don't have to worry about drunken mixed signals, it's hard enough reading signals sober to sober.

I've never asked a guy out in my life and I know times have changed, etc etc. I just feel it's really a case of the ball being in the guys court when it comes to that. I know, that sounds a little unfair..

P. Breathnach

There is something to be said for the "non-date date", where you invite somebody to accompany you to a gig/play/event/whatever on the basis that you actually want to go, and you are inviting him along as good company. And then see if it leads anywhere.

Littlekittylou

There has never been alcohol involved so I don't have to worry about drunken mixed signals, it's hard enough reading signals sober to sober.

Just be direct and say how you feel. Ask him out.

And don't assume someone is gay unless a) he is having sex with a guy b) he says 'I am gay'. The stereotypical behavior means nothing.

I agree with Murdock reach out a bit even on social media and see how he reacts. Is he giving you attention and complimenting you and being affectionate? You seem to say he is so it's a good indication. He is sober when it's happening too.But be careful things can be misconstrued by text etc.

If he doesn't like you back nothing ventured. You can move on and begin with someone else.

Fast1cs

Just got to bite the bullet OP.

Mick Murdock

stayquiet wrote: »

I have felt through texts we have actually both been quite flirtatious but then began to wonder had I misread it.

I've never asked a guy out in my life and I know times have changed, etc etc. I just feel it's really a case of the ball being in the guys court when it comes to that. I know, that sounds a little unfair..

I know it's difficult OP. Do you have any examples of flirtatious texts he has sent you? Of course you don't have to post anything verbatim or too personal but I think we'd have a pretty good guess if you gave us an idea.

You said in the op that you have given him the impression that you are only friends too. Is he generally the type of person to ask you something like this outright? If not, perhaps he's feeling the same as you only you have given him reason to believe you are only friends.

The non date date is a great idea. Judge how he responds

LegacyUser

OP here again.

MM - won't put anything verbatim in but basically using a 'pet name' for me, kisses etc. And yeah, I totally emphasized the friend thing because I was confused re. his intentions and didn't want to look like a twat. Frankly, I don't think either of us will ask each other anything outright at this stage!

Littlekittylou - there is no stereotypical gay behaviour, I guess I pretty much felt if he was giving me attention, he must be gay (low self esteem on my part).

I'll see if I can do the 'non date' thing without it looking a bit weird. Sounds like a good plan.

bee06

OP I had a very similar friendship with a guy for a good few years. Flirting, pet names, touchy feely etc. I wasn't brave enough to do anything and it was kinda torture being friends with him and having feelings for him and wondering what if. Thankfully he did make a move eventually and now we're married. We were both worried about risking the friendship but it was worth it in the end.

anthony4335

Been in a similar situation ,and been the general coward I am have done nothing about it.
Based on a few things you have said what little advice I can give you , is do not over emphasize the friend thing. I have been on the receipt of the word too often and I assumed I was been told I was a friend and nothing more.
I have never told any friend they were a good friend/great friend, or something of the sort, unless alcohol was involved.
I would advise you to be up front and ask, but seeing as I would not do it, I can understand, and empathize with you.
Been male, subtle hints don't work on me, I would assume the same of your friend.
If it was me, I would want to be with the person as much as I could and would not turn down any reason to see the person or talk to them. So with that I would say ask yourself ,is this person always there for me, who make the initial contact mostly. If it is yes and him I would assume there is a good chance he likes you. But there will never be an answer unless you was the question ,best of luck.

njs030

stayquiet wrote: »

OP here again.

MM - won't put anything verbatim in but basically using a 'pet name' for me, kisses etc.

I wouldn't see that as flirting op, tbh I have quite a few male friends and most of them use pet names and kisses. Especially on goodnight texts for some reason! I know they don't fancy me and it's just affection.

I'd disagree with the majority here, it sounds like the friendship is important to you and there's no real signs he's seeing you as more than a friend. Maybe try and find out if he's interested before leaping in. For all people say it is flattering etc it does change things and can be awkward!

Is there a rush or could you just start flirting a bit, see what happens?

LegacyUser

OP here again. Have decided completely against this as I indirectly found out today that this person is actually in a relationship and had no intention of telling me. Very disappointed in them as it suggests there was something underhanded going on if they wanted to keep it a 'secret'.

honey79

I would love to tell you to just go for it but I have also been in this situation more than once and did nothing about it
I wish I had the guts to do it but really think I'm just an old fashioned girl and think if a man likes you he will let you know and ask you out -could be why im still single haha

miamee

stayquiet wrote: »

OP here again. Have decided completely against this as I indirectly found out today that this person is actually in a relationship and had no intention of telling me. Very disappointed in them as it suggests there was something underhanded going on if they wanted to keep it a 'secret'.

Oh sorry to hear that OP, that is bad form of this person if you were good friends and spending a lot of time in contact with each other. Better that you found out now I suppose.

mapaca

miamee wrote: »

Oh sorry to hear that OP, that is bad form of this person if you were good friends and spending a lot of time in contact with each other. Better that you found out now I suppose.

Absolutely, it's best you found out now before you said anything.