Relative issues

Aimeee

How would you deal with this situation?
A person I know is currently living with his in-laws (due to some bad and some foolish decisions).
So we are at a party and person stars making comments about eating habits of inlaws, also discloses some private information that he could only know by living in the house. These comments are made in a derragotory manner (person is on health kick/overall change of lifestyle so anything other than this is bad!)
I am related to both parties.

Do you say something about how rude or ungrateful person appears or say nothing?
The in law has not once complained about person living in their house, even though they have given up much of their space and privacy. Person also has kids so there has been a lot of adjustment.

ABajaninCork

Say nothing. It's nothing to do with you. If there are issues, then I'm sure they can sort them out between them.

If the subject comes up again, tell the person you are not interested, and change the subject.

jopax

I think i would just keep mental note of it for now. Just wait to see if its an on going issue.
I would be tempted to say something but on the other hand things can get lost in translation and you could find yourself in the middle of bother.
It is disgraceful, ungrateful behavior absolutely no doubt about it.
Just take your time and see how things pan out.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Aimee

I suppose it depends where you fit in with the family.

There's an old saying, something along the lines of "You can criticise your own but no one else should dare do it." I don't think I've got that quite right, but I hope you get the drift of my meaning.

Its OK, say for my wife to criticise her brother - I wouldn't dream of doing it and she wouldn't criticise mine - even though the little basket might deserve it .

I hope that made some sort of sense. Whilst I wouldn't criticise my BiL, I'd certainly make my view known to my wife if I felt her criticism was unfair or unwarranted.

Aimeee

Thanks for replies. It rankles (is that a word?) with me so much as the in laws are actually my own parents and I know they would never say a bad word about this person. I do know that this situation caused a lot of stress within the family due to the upheaval involved however when help is required they always step up if they can hence the living arrangements (and more).
I'm annoyed at the ungratefulness of it but more annoyed at myself for keeping my mouth shut when I really want to speak my mind. However as people have said a) it's nothing to do with me - or is it?? And b) the fallout wouldn't be worth it.
Mental note has been made, not the first time it's happened by the way, this time last year I heard the same story only the living arrangements were not as they are now.
Love that saying, never heard it before but I've always had that unwritten rule for family. This person does not obviously.

Buona Fortuna

Hi again Aimee

There is no way that I would let anyone disrespect my parents in my presence or earshot. Hearsay is a different story but if I heard it - I'm not talking swords or pistols though.;)

I don't care about the fall out

Baggy Trousers

Aimeee wrote: »

Thanks for replies. It rankles (is that a word?) with me so much as the in laws are actually my own parents and I know they would never say a bad word about this person. I do know that this situation caused a lot of stress within the family due to the upheaval involved however when help is required they always step up if they can hence the living arrangements (and more).
I'm annoyed at the ungratefulness of it but more annoyed at myself for keeping my mouth shut when I really want to speak my mind. However as people have said a) it's nothing to do with me - or is it?? And b) the fallout wouldn't be worth it.
Mental note has been made, not the first time it's happened by the way, this time last year I heard the same story only the living arrangements were not as they are now.
Love that saying, never heard it before but I've always had that unwritten rule for family. This person does not obviously.

You've got to stand up for your parents who are putting this sheister up. He/She has issues.

Stavro Mueller

It's your parents?? Now that changes the entire story. If it was a cousin or an aunt/uncle I'd be thinking twice - it all depends on how close I was to them. In this case there's no way I'd stand for having my parents spoken about in this manner or have their good natures taken advantage of. I'd have absolutely no qualms about spilling the beans. I'd even help pack the other person's bags for them!

Aimeee

Thanks so much for your replies. I've just realised what a twat I'm being with this person! How much clearer things look when you wire them down and get outside opinions. Thank you again.

Typer Monkey

If someone was slagging off my parents in my ear shot they'd be in for a serious tongue lashing OP. Given that the immediate situation has passed if I were you I'd be pulling this person aside and telling them in no uncertain terms that they were being an ungrateful ass and the absolute cheek of them to not only slag off the people putting them up in their time of need but to do it in front of their daughter too. The neck of them. I don't know if I'd tell your parents. I would be wary of upseting or offending them. I suppose it would depend on how the 'word' with the ungrateful ass goes!

Big Bag of Chips

My own parents are very good to one particular in-law. (They are very good to us all) This in-law, I hope, respects how much my parents do for them. If I ever heard them disrepecting my parents or speaking about them in a derogatory way then I wouldn't stop myself from pointing out how much benefit they get from my parents.

I wouldn't tell my parents what was said, but I would let the person know directly how out of line they are being, and if they felt so strongly about my parents that maybe they shouldn't be so quick to accept their help.

nlk

OP I'd be careful how I phrased whatever is said but I would certainly say something- particularly if you feel your parents would be upset or embarressed by what is said.

Also your parents upset/embarressment could be increased if you were to publicly challenge your brother in law or have a row in public.

Perhaps if something is said you could quietly pull him aside and say something like:

'I'm not sure you realise how hurtful and inappropriate the comments X and Y were. I think if you reflect on what you said you'd realise that my parents would be very hurt by it. I'm sure you don't wish to hurt them after they have been so good to you by letting you live with them etc. so please be mindful of their feelings and the goodwill they've shown you when you speak about them in future'

I find that holding a mirror up to someone about their actions and shaming them (mixed with a hint of passive agressiveness) goes a lot further than getting angry in certain situations. Take the higher ground OP, whilst making your feelings firmly known.

Tiger Mcilroy

This is unnaceptable behaviour id be sure to let the person know this in front of whomever he was regaling wih the story too, along with an assurance that this will be getting back to your parents. Some people cant see the help they get sometimes and often dont deserve it.

Luke92

Anyone disrespected my mam I'd call them out on it. I'd let them know how I feel and more!

Aimeee

Thank you all for replies. At the moment I consider this person's card is marked so to speak. I don't intend embarrassing my parents or causing family discord over glib comments. I think I can even see why this person is being discourteous for want of a better word, it's all to do with themselves and various issues.
If it happens again I'll certainly mention it to the person and probably tell them how uncomfortable it makes me, hopefully that will be the end of it.
I feel sometimes that this person is talking to all and sundry about things as they often say stuff about friends of theirs to us, what I would consider private stuff that we should not be (or want to be) privy to. Makes me wonder if they do the same about my family. Even more frustrating when people helping them so much.
There seems to be no boundary!
Thanks again for all input. Very much appreciated hearing others thoughts.

Stavro Mueller

If I decided against telling my parents I'd take this person aside and tell them what I'd heard. And tell them that if they find somewhere to live asap I'd not tell them what I'd heard.

Edit: I see the OP has posted an update. I don't think you should let this pass. Warn them now (not necessarily with the "go now" ultimatum that I'd go with if it was me) and tell them this sort of behaviour is not on. For all you know, this person is mouthing off all the time and it's only by chance you heard them.

ABajaninCork

When I posted, I did not know the people in question were the OP's parents...

Given the updates, I think the advice I gave would still hold, but I would definitely have a strong word with the ingrate. Tell them that with their mouthing off, there's a strong possibility of the talk getting back to your parents, especially as the in-laws are dependent on your parents for food and shelter. That REALLY isn't smart!

Neyite

Perhaps a timely reminder of the old saying "dont bite the hand that feeds you" might not go astray here.

What an ungrateful arse that person is.

Penny Tration

Hey Aimee!

I had a cousin speak about my parents in a nasty way.

Like you're considering, I let it pass that one time.

I wish I hadn't.

The next time they bad-mouthed my parents, it was at a family party, with my mum in the next room, and it was said to all of our extended family. So much worse than the original comments, too.

So, my sister and I did what we should have done the first time it happened - threw the cousin out of our house, verbally tore her a new backside, and cut all contact, as did my parents.

If someone insults your parents, especially when they're being so good to the in-law, don't let it drop. Call the ungrateful git out on their horrible attitude.

dellas1979

OP, woman up!

You dont have to be all "Ill kick your ass for talking about my parents like that", but you should be assertive enough to say "enough of that now/cut it out, thats not funny or fair"

People only become aware of their idiocy when its pointed out and stand up to them. Not from sitting there "marking their card".

December2012

When it happens again, the first thing you can say is "X I don't want to hear you slagging off my parents." I say that when one relative says something about another relative - I really hate bitchy gossip.

If the ingrate persists you can take it further "X, I said drop the bitching!"

This stops the bitching without you getting further involved.

If they persist - you can say "go talk to my parents about it" and walk away.

You can decide separately if you want to tell your parents. Maybe it. Was just your in law blowing off steam to the wrong person.

Aimeee

December2012 wrote: »

When it happens again, the first thing you can say is "X I don't want to hear you slagging off my parents." I say that when one relative says something about another relative - I really hate bitchy gossip.

If the ingrate persists you can take it further "X, I said drop the bitching!"

This stops the bitching without you getting further involved.

If they persist - you can say "go talk to my parents about it" and walk away.

You can decide separately if you want to tell your parents. Maybe it. Was just your in law blowing off steam to the wrong person.

That's the plan.
Thanks again for all input. It has been very helpful.