105

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm hoping that someone here can point me in the right direction, i'm starting to lose my mind over my girlfriend. She is 20 years old and has no friends that aren't from my circle of friends and she won't ever talk to them unless i'm there with her because she 'doesn't know them well enough yet', we've been going out a year now. She constantly says she doesn't need any new friends and won't even bother to make any, the problem being that she constantly latches on to me and if I ever want to do something it starts an argument that inevitably ends up in 'So i'm supposed to stay on my own in my house tonight?'. It feels like i'm being suffocated.

She's in college doing Arts so she's surrounded by other students all day but refuses to talk to them because 'all they want to do is go drinking and are too immature'. I've tried to get her to go to societies and clubs, won't bother at all.

She had really big arguments with friends just as she was leaving secondary school and says that's why she doesn't want to make new friends so there's obviously issues there. Asked her to mention it to her counsellor and she flat out refuses saying it's not something she needs to talk about.

Does anyone here know of a way to get her to try and start making friends? Please, I get along with her and don't want to argue over this but it's becoming to big of a deal now and I have to deal with it.

Thanks

CaraMay

Tell her you are bring suffocated and start to detach from her. Start to live your own life and to handle her tantrums. She is acting like this because you have let her for a year now.

Big Bag of Chips

You can't force her to make friends, but you can carry on your life. It's unhealthy for a couple to be joined at the hip. If you want to do something and see asks "am I supposed to sit at home on my own" tell her it won't do her any harm, or to find something she would enjoy doing some evenings.

Just out of interest, how did you end two end up going out if she doesn't talk to people or make new friends?

Chemical Byrne

Hi OP. I can really empathise with you. You sound EXACTLY like my situation some years ago. I am now in a LTR with a girl who was just like this at the start. I was young, naieve and foolish when I met her and I basically allowed her to get her way with regard to being clingy and wanting to know your every move. Like a coward I complied and we drifted along. I'm now at the stage where I'm seriously considering ending it but she is so attached and has isolated herself from friends and family I'm dreading making the break as she can be quite dramatic and now has a support network that is limited to her mother & father who live in a different city. I feel smothered and I want out but I worry for her and what she might do if I break it off. I once broke off and she turned up at my parent's. Like a tool, I took her back to have a quiet life and prevent future episodes like this. I place a huge blame on myself for how this has become and how it will end as I've been procrastinating and putting it off for so long to avoid conflict. I'm wracked with the thoughts of it, and how much of my and her time I have wasted by basically being too cowardly to end it.

Sorry, that's enough about me (that's for another thread I'm planning) but my advice is, if you are not comfortable in this relationship you need to tell her and end it. I understand it's easier said than done, it will be hard for you and being clingy she may well flip out.
But I can tell you this, the longer you leave it the more traumatic it will be. DO NOT end up like me.

Chemical Byrne

Hi OP. I can really empathise with you. You sound EXACTLY like my situation some years ago. I am now in a LTR with a girl who was just like this at the start. I was young, naieve and foolish when I met her and I basically allowed her to get her way with regard to being clingy and wanting to know your every move. Like a coward I complied and we drifted along. I'm now at the stage where I'm seriously considering ending it but she is so attached and has isolated herself from friends and family I'm dreading making the break as she can be quite dramatic and now has a support network that is limited to her mother & father who live in a different city. Like you, I've regularly tried to get her to engage with other people, clubs, make friends, work dos etc but she has no interest whatsoever in meeting other people or making friends. I feel smothered and I want out but I worry for her and what she might do if I break it off. I once broke off and she turned up at my parent's. Like a tool, I took her back to have a quiet life and prevent future episodes like this. I place a huge blame on myself for how this has become and how it will end as I've been procrastinating and putting it off for so long to avoid conflict. I'm wracked with the thoughts of it, and how much of my and her time I have wasted by basically being too cowardly to end it.

Sorry, that's enough about me (that's for another thread I'm planning) but my advice is, if you are not comfortable in this relationship you need to tell her and end it. I understand it's easier said than done, it will be hard for you and being clingy she may well flip out.
But I can tell you this, the longer you leave it the more traumatic it will be. DO NOT end up like me.

StormWarrior

Do your mates have girlfriends? Could the girls organise a girls' night out once in a while and invite her along? At the same time you and the lads can have a lads' night out, to which she is obviously not invited. Then she has no excuse to sit at home alone. This way she may make some friends. If she won't even do this then tell her you are being suffocated and if she doesn't get a life of her own you will have to break up with her.

Chemical Byrne

....and has no friends that aren't from my circle of friends and she won't ever talk to them unless i'm there with her because she 'doesn't know them well enough yet', we've been going out a year now. She constantly says she doesn't need any new friends and won't even bother to make any....

From the above, I'm getting the impression that the OP has rightfully tried to encourage something along the lines you suggested but she has made it clear she has no interest in meeting people or making friends and is using "not knowing them well enough" as an excuse.

Some sort of depression or social anxiety issues might be at work. But her behaviour and attitude sound familiar to me. For my OH no amount of encouragement would result in her making friends or socialising with anyone other than me.

StormWarrior

Then the OP has to make a choice, will he be willing to live the rest of his life like this? If not he should break up with her now.