Think I'm an alcoholic

LegacyUser

I drink a lot, and when I start I can't stop. I blackout, in that I get home ok and all, but I can't remember it. I suffer a lot of anxiety and drinking temporarily helps that, but then afterwards I feel much worse. I have so much going for me and I am certainly in no way at rock bottom but sometimes I feel this is it, and then I forget and am back to square 1. I have tried to moderate and failed. I have a reputation as a drinker among my friends, but I don't believe they see it as a problem necessarily, but it's be really obvious if I quit.

I know I need to quit. It is ruining my life. Not in the obvious "alcoholic" ways but in the more subtle ways... anxiety, the fear, lethargy and wasting weekends hungover, hungover an paranoid in work...

But I don't want to tell anyone why. I am ashamed of my behavior and I just wish so much I didn't want to drink and could just enjoy my life, but I am too ashamed and humiliated to tell people. Can I quit on my own? Is it possible to almost "hide" quitting? I don't want to see my doctor as it'll be on my medical records. I don't want to tell my husband as although he knows I drink too much I don't think he's aware of the extent of it or how I am psychologically damaging myself.

Neyite

Well done on recognising its a problem. That's a massive big step.

People can and have quit addictive substances on their own- it just depends on their determination. What I would suggest is look into AA, read up on the pitfalls that alcoholics generally encounter and maybe look into addiction counselling. Educate yourself about alcoholism, about your triggers, and give it a try. I would suggest though that you get the support of your husband. I think it is something you'll need.

If you dont want your friends to take too much notice, could you disguise it as a major health kick - say, take up running and start training for races and so on? Or join a football team? Most people dont bat an eyelid if you are not drinking on a night out because of sports participation or training - I know loads of GAA players who are dry for months because they want to compete at their best, likewise I know runners who are dedicated coming up to a race -their diet, social life, everything takes a backseat during their training. The other advantage to taking up a sport is that its a great way to burn off stress, which is what you'll be feeling in your recovery.

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of if you have an addiction that you are trying to quit from. My proudest moment was when I quit cigarettes. I had tried and failed so many times that the last time I just went off and did it quietly on my own, and that was 8 years ago. I know though if I smoked a cigarette right now, even took a puff, I'd be back on 30 a day.

I see recovering alcoholics as very strong people who have fought their addictions and won a tough fight. Where is the shame in that?

LegacyUser

Thank you. I am too embarrassed to go to AA in case someone saw me. I know that sounds ludicrous but that's how I feel. I am young woman and while I love going out, I can't deal with the crippling fear over what I did /didn't do. I am also drinking during the week and hiding this. I know this is a problem and I know I have to stop.

Funny thing that everyone always says alcoholics are in denial... I'm hiding the fact from others but I am not in denial n that I know it myself. Like most people though when the stress goes away I think I can have one or two drinks and then I spiral back down. I need to quit for good. I know it sounds mental but I feel not drinking would make things less fun or make me in someway deprived - like I couldn't handle it so now I have to punish myself forever!!

LegacyUser

Worried and ashamed wrote: »

I have a reputation as a drinker among my friends, but I don't believe they see it as a problem necessarily, but it's be really obvious if I quit.

I know I need to quit. It is ruining my life. Not in the obvious "alcoholic" ways but in the more subtle ways... anxiety, the fear, lethargy and wasting weekends hungover, hungover an paranoid in work...

But I don't want to tell anyone why. I am ashamed of my behavior and I just wish so much I didn't want to drink and could just enjoy my life, but I am too ashamed and humiliated to tell people. Can I quit on my own? Is it possible to almost "hide" quitting?

If you quit, the people who mind won't matter and the people who matter won't mind. Anyone who cares for you will be happy to help and support and understand you. The people who see you quitting as a problem are part of the problem and you musn't let them stand in your way if quitting is the right thing to do for you. You don't have to broadcast anything you do, you're entitled to privacy, but you really don't need to feel ashamed of it either. Besides, if drinking is causing you to do things that you feel are shameful or worrying, eliminating those behaviours will leave you less shame and worry, not more.

bp

Admitting it is the first step so good for you. You mention not wanting to go to AA in case someone recognizes you but just remember why they are there - they will understand.

Also there is a great thread on boards for non-drinkers where advice and support is given. You should have a look at that section, some really inspiring stories from people who are going through the exact same thing.

Stay strong and seek support even just online, you aren't alone and don't have to do it alone

X

Neyite

bp wrote: »

Admitting it is the first step so good for you. You mention not wanting to go to AA in case someone recognizes you but just remember why they are there - they will understand.

Also there is a great thread on boards for non-drinkers where advice and support is given. You should have a look at that section, some really inspiring stories from people who are going through the exact same thing.

Stay strong and seek support even just online, you aren't alone and don't have to do it alone

X

Here is the non-drinkers forum OP. Its not a forum where you can talk about AA or recovery techniques, but you may find it helpful. There is also AA online or similar which you may find suits your wish for privacy. I found this forum.

Please don't think that not drinking makes things less fun. I've found that the ones that are critical of a non-drinker when out socialising are usually ones who have issues themselves in one form or another and hide behind alcohol. I am equally happy going out as a designated driver as I am going for a couple of drinks, in fact these days I'm leaning towards preferring being sober when out, and friends and family are fine with that. They might remark initially, but they will only look idiotic themselves if they keep on about it.

LegacyUser

Thank you all. I contacted an online AA group. "Funny" thing is I used an email I set up a while ago (yes I am that paranoid) and in it were messages from boards to two threads I set up a month ago and a couple of months ago, both about my drinking. When the "fear" leaves me I forget all about it but I can no longer pretend to myself I don't have a problem and I need to work on this

iusedtoknow

well done on seeing that you may have an issue. Come over to the forum that Neyite recommended. There is a mixed back of long term and newly sober people supporting each other.

Oryx

The more you can admit your problem to yourself, and to others, the closer you will be to overcoming it. I would see the hiding as a big part of your problem, you may need to come to terms with why you do that, and take the brave step of admitting openly that you have a drink problem. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and actually a massively positive thing to do.

I would say your husband is far more aware of your drinking than you realise. Your first step is to talk to him, and be brutally honest. You need his full support in your recovery.

You have made the first, hardest step, acknowledging this yourself. Keep up the momentum.

Rubberchikken

don't feel any shame.
instead feel proud that you've realised you need help and are willing to do something about it.

the anxiety can be dealt with by speaking to your gp.

best of luck

skallywag

I've a very good friend who knocked it on the head quite some time back and who has not looked back since, he's actually now the envy of many. Most people who know him today don't even know him from the time when he was hitting it hard, it's just accepted that he doesn't drink and people don't question it.

On a side note, I would not worry at all about seeing your GP, your medical records are yours and yours alone, and a chat with your GP could also be very useful to you, as it could probably be the first time you will have opened up and spoken such words to someone? I can't see how this could go against you in any way in the future, etc, and it could also give you some motivation.