Lonely and confused

LegacyUser

I don't really know what's wrong with me, I feel so lonely and there's so many thoughts going through my head at once about so many different things and I just want it to slow down. I know that probably doesn't make sense but it's what my mind feels like at the moment.

I did my leaving cert this year and I'm in college now. I'm in the middle of my exams (which I hope I've passed as they are literally the only thing thats giving my life any purpose) and I'm living away from home for the first time.

I've made acquaintances in college but there's no one I'd go out to meet or anything like that. My friends from school have practically disappeared as we are all away from each other.

The night before last I was lying awake until at least 4am just thinking about stuff and it's like my brain just wouldn't stop. It kept going and it was just horrible. I've also started having trouble breathing sometimes particularly at night. My breathing just goes really fast and I feel really panicked. I'm living with a constant fear that I've failed exams. I can't stress enough how the exams are the only thing that matters to me and if I fail I can't even describe how terrible it will be.

I feel like no one even notices I'm here. Whenever people come over to where I'm living its always to talk with someone else even if they know me as well or people would knock on the door and when I answer they'd ask is so and so here even if they know me for just as long and just as much as so and so. It's like I'm just a third wheel in everything. I don't really have that much to say most of the time so i'd just be quite.

I live with a really nice person who has unwittingly really helped me through this semester. He's been the only person I've really talked to properly since I moved to where my college is in September. We were talking again last night and we ended up talking about depression and so on as we saw something on TV about Bressie. My dad has schizophrenia and I stupidly told him about it. It's not that I don't believe he will keep it to himself because he will, it's just that I can't help but think that me telling him that might in some way make him think different about me. He's often told me about his family and I can't help but feel so jealous. His Dad is actually a dad to him whereas mine just feels like someone I've lived with all my life.

I know this sounds soppy and so on but I feel like no one actually loves me or really cares about me. I'm afraid I'm going to live my whole life like this and I don't know what to do. I was going to go the counsellor in my college but I just can't face it. Whenever I'm busy during the day I'm able to forget about it all and I lie to myself saying I'm fine but really I know I'm not.

I'm sorry if this seems really incoherent. Any advice on how to improve my life would really be appreciated.

dub45

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. I have a part time job in a college where I get to meet lots of the students and believe me many students find it hard to adopt to college life and carve out a role for themselves. It is very easy to walk around a college and see lots of groups of students and think that everyone is having a great time but it isn't always the case. (And it isn't easy living away from home for the first time either it takes a bit of getting used to:))

It is very common for school friends to "disappear" too as people follow their own interests as time goes by.

Also it sounds as if you have made a very good friend who cares about you enough for you to feel comfortable talking to him about important stuff.

What are you interested in? Are there societies you could join where you would meet people with similar interests? I know that can be hard but several students have told me that they pushed themselves to making that sort of step and never looked back.