Wasted My Twenties

LegacyUser

I'm a guy who has just entered my late twenties and for the most part I am happy with my life but there is one thing that I've struggled with and that is any sort of relations with women.

Before I entered my twenties I had a pretty normal success with girls but since then it has been there has nothing really of note to talk about. It's something I am deeply ashamed of which isn't helped by my family/friends from my home town always suspecting I have a girl on the go and asking me about every time I go home. While all it does it remind me that I am a failure in that aspect of my life. I feel like I've wasted my twenties tbh as most of my friends would of had a few girlfriends by this age, even my mother was married by my age.

I recently organised two trips with friends where I invited girls who I hoped I would get to know better but in both trips one of my friends got with the said girl. (Note: I never said to my friends that I was interested in the girl.) I went on a solo holiday last month and got talking to this girl on a walking tour from my hostel who I liked. A group from my hostel ended up heading out including this girl but another guy swooped in, ring fenced her and later got with her leaving me wondering how did that happen. There has been many times where I've missed opportunities to get with girls and while its deeply frustrating when it happens I know I am the problem. It's like I was out that day in school when they taught everyone else how to get with girls.

I recently had my first date with a girl after she asked me out and while things didn't work out between us, I really enjoyed dating a girl. But I cannot see where the next girl will come from.

I try and keep myself busy during the week by playing football, tag rugby and going to a meetup. I've been doing this for a year now and while I have met loads of people besides dating that one girl I'm still at the same point I was a year ago. I have met girls through this that I was interested in but I didn't have the confidence to ask them out.

I don't want to be 40 and be in the same position as I am now, I want to improve myself and get better with girls by asking them out but I just don't know how I can build my confidence up to do that as I've tried for years but I am no better. I want to avoid things like PUA as well.

What can I do?

Tokyo

As counterintuitive as it might sound to you right now, stop focusing so hard on getting a girl, and instead focus on enjoying your life more and who you are more. Possibly it's the way you have worded it, but your entire post comes across as extremely intent on getting a girl no matter what the cost, with the idea that once you have somebody, a hole in your life will be filled, with a lot of bitterness because it's not working out this way.

Being angry with other guys who get the girl, and feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to change anything, and like it or not, what you feel on the inside reflects on the outside and is felt by the very women you are trying to pursue - it's hard to miss the negative vibes that are coming from somebody who is angry and frustrated, and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So focus on the positives instead. It sounds like you have a healthy social life that allows you to meet women in general, which is a great start. But stop being so focused on it being this ultimate goal of "finding the right woman", and actually have fun with dating - think of dating as an exploratory adventure.

When you meet somebody you think you might like, don't charge into it head on - discuss things you enjoy, ask her about her life, things she likes, etc. All going good, asking someone out can be as simple as seeing if they want to grab a coffee sometime, and getting to know the person gradually. Have fun with it. If a date works out, great, move on to a second one. If it doesn't, then don't get bogged down in self pity - you've just learned that you aren't really compatible with that person, nothing more.

LLMMML

From the experiences you posted it sounds like you withdraw pretty quickly if another guy approaches a girl you're talking to, and don't ask girls out yourself. It's kind of obvious what you have to do. Start asking girls out. I'm not saying it's easy but from what you've posted I don't see any other option.

I disagree with the poster above. If you've gone ten years without a relationship while actually wanting one, then it is a problem, and forgetting about it is not going to help.

Would you consider CBT to help you be a bit more assertive. This sounds like the sort of thing CBT could be very helpful with.

LegacyUser

I agree with LLMMML. You seem to give in pretty quick when someone else is inerested? You say on the holiday that someone ring fenced the girl? How does one ring fence a girl?

Did she want to be ring fenced ? was she the sort who is attracted to superficial things like money/cars. ets. I ask because i genuinely do not under stand how to ring fence a girl unless she wants to be ring fenced?

If she did then she saw more in him than in you. Your job is to ask your self what the 'more' was. Are you just being friends and the ring fencers showing romantic interest? Did you come across as just a person interested in the walk and not her?

You say you did not tell your friends you liked the first trip girl? Why? Are you afraid to show romantic interest or is there some code of loyalty where by if you had said it the other guy would not approach her. If so it might be worth remembering not every man wil respect such loyalty codes

You are 100%right in one thing- your decision to stay away from PUA. These people ar insecure immature idiots and what they achieve are not relationships. You canot be too bad as the last girl asked you out

LegacyUser

Another thing which occurred to me is you use of language. you say the other guy swooped in and ring fenced her. That to me is an unusual way to perceive showing interest in a girl.

So could it be you are projecting on to him what you do? Do you swoop/ringfence/ be too intense with them out of insecurity and this desperation you seem to have to have a relationship.? Is the ring fencer in fact allowing them more freedom and not showing insecurity and desperation?

Ask yourself this: What would the girl say to her friends if describing your approach and the approach of the other guy on the walk.

Here she speaks: " I met WastedMyTwenites and Swooper. I decided to go with Swooper because.....you fill in the rest

Her friend: What did you think of WastedMyTwenites approach?

I found WastedMyTwenites to be .......you fill in the rest

Hercules99

Hi WastedMyTwenties,

I am similar to you - and could identify with a lot of what's in your post. It gives me a small bit of comfort to think I'm not the only one.

I've posted a thread like this before and read many like this on this and other forums. I personally find it good to write your frustrations out in a post but I don't think you can expect much from the replies. At least I can't. All very cliched. "Keep doing what you're doing", "Be Positive" etc. Not that the posters don't mean well but they are probably looking at it with a different mindset or perspective. The last post on the thread from howgirl might be good advice and they might be onto something but it's absolutely no help whatsoever going on about the language you use and what you are "projecting".

Maybe it's me though - it probably is - socially I've been average enough all my life but when it comes to girls I might like or even girls my age, I've been hopeless. I wish I could be my positive about it but I can't. A post telling me my attitude needs to change or that I'm not positive is just highlighting all the things I have to be negative about.

It's good though that you were on a date recently. You should remind yourself of this - maybe it's a sign of your progress? Maybe it gives you some hope? A date would certainly give me lots of hope and something to be proud of.

I also like the fact that you're very active playing football and rugby. This would also remind me of my situation. I would be very active and would keep very fit so much so that I'm probably okay to look at. I would guess you're probably the same. Again you should remind yourself of this. There are lots of inactive and unhealthy guys in their 20s so don't stop reminding yourself how much more of a "catch" you would be than these people. At least that's what I try to remind myself. It can help too in a funny sort of way ... it makes me put my chest out and shoulders up at least for a short while. Also if there's other stuff you're good at, try to think about that.

Maybe as regards your target of building up confidence to asking a girl out - you could set yourself a challenge of asking one girl out over the Christmas or even before the end of January. I've set myself little challenges like this before and while my success rate isn't great, it probably helps a small bit. That's what "confidence" is though - it's achieving the targets and goals you secretly and subconsciously set yourself. You get it right, you try something harder, your confidence grows. You get it wrong, your confidence slides.

Maybe you should try and be clearer to yourself in your target too. Is their a specific girl you would like to ask out, for example in your group of friends or where you work?

I also wouldn't see the harm either by the way in having an old google of PUA. I've had a read of it every now and again and things like body language and the simple "Do's / Don"ts" are both interesting and helpful.

I'm 25 years old by the way, and I've never been with a girl. So that's bad. At least you had some success in your early 20s. Some day too I would like to come back to one of these threads and read that the opening poster actually got the girl he liked. It would personally help me.

LegacyUser

Hercules99 wrote: »

Hi WastedMyTwenties,

I am similar to you - and could identify with a lot of what's in your post. It gives me a small bit of comfort to think I'm not the only one.

I've posted a thread like this before and read many like this on this and other forums. I personally find it good to write your frustrations out in a post but I don't think you can expect much from the replies. At least I can't. All very cliched. "Keep doing what you're doing", "Be Positive" etc. Not that the posters don't mean well but they are probably looking at it with a different mindset or perspective. The last post on the thread from howgirl might be good advice and they might be onto something but it's absolutely no help whatsoever going on about the language you use and what you are "projecting".

Maybe it's me though - it probably is - socially I've been average enough all my life but when it comes to girls I might like or even girls my age, I've been hopeless. I wish I could be my positive about it but I can't. A post telling me my attitude needs to change or that I'm not positive is just highlighting all the things I have to be negative about.

It's good though that you were on a date recently. You should remind yourself of this - maybe it's a sign of your progress? Maybe it gives you some hope? A date would certainly give me lots of hope and something to be proud of.

I also like the fact that you're very active playing football and rugby. This would also remind me of my situation. I would be very active and would keep very fit so much so that I'm probably okay to look at. I would guess you're probably the same. Again you should remind yourself of this. There are lots of inactive and unhealthy guys in their 20s so don't stop reminding yourself how much more of a "catch" you would be than these people. At least that's what I try to remind myself. It can help too in a funny sort of way ... it makes me put my chest out and shoulders up at least for a short while. Also if there's other stuff you're good at, try to think about that.

Maybe as regards your target of building up confidence to asking a girl out - you could set yourself a challenge of asking one girl out over the Christmas or even before the end of January. I've set myself little challenges like this before and while my success rate isn't great, it probably helps a small bit. That's what "confidence" is though - it's achieving the targets and goals you secretly and subconsciously set yourself. You get it right, you try something harder, your confidence grows. You get it wrong, your confidence slides.

Maybe you should try and be clearer to yourself in your target too. Is their a specific girl you would like to ask out, for example in your group of friends or where you work?

I also wouldn't see the harm either by the way in having an old google of PUA. I've had a read of it every now and again and things like body language and the simple "Do's / Don"ts" are both interesting and helpful.

I'm 25 years old by the way, and I've never been with a girl. So that's bad. At least you had some success in your early 20s. Some day too I would like to come back to one of these threads and read that the opening poster actually got the girl he liked. It would personally help me.

You are right people cannot really know another's situation

I have to say again though in relation to OP swooping in and ring fencing a girl are very strange terms to me. No offense OP. Project not a great word i meant if he is trying to ring fence her out of insecurity he may be assuming the other guy is.

Maybe i am projecting re ring fence.

ShowMeTheCash

The situation here kind of confuses me, a lot of talk of miss opertunities with people you do not appear to know and when you have actually not done anything.

I see someone mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy.. Hmm maybe a bit extreme just yet but reading your post it looks like your attempts to attract the opposite sex are not being seen almost to the point you do not have appeared to have actually done anything?

Maybe try online dating, there is no confusion with online dating your are attempting to secure an actual date you are not making small talk.

Rubberchikken

you're able to speak to girls, many can't. you've been on dates. many haven't.

think of the positives things and just improve on them. i agree with looking back at the missed opportunities. try to see what these other guys were doing that maybe you could copy some of.
i'm not saying you have to become like anyone else, just improve what is there already.

LegacyUser

Maybe my writing skills could do with some work.

By ring fencing a girl I meant the guy locked arms with her once we where out, which made it awkward trying to get chatting to her again.

When it comes to competition I am pretty bad tbh (not just with girls) as in the past I've tried to do a song and a dance (not literally speaking) trying to impress a girl when in fact that guy I am trying to show off isn't me. I guess I want the girl pick me on what I've already displayed but I guess I am coming across as I'm not interested. How should I handle that situation?

Don't get me wrong I can see how far I have come even in the last year as before that I didn't really have much of a social life let alone meeting and talking to girls. I want to progress further like being able to ask girls out and being more confident/comfortable in a romantic setting. I know that comes with experience but its getting the experience in the first place.

Another issue now arising is a lot of friends have starting seeing people leaving me behind and having to find new single friends. I have always been a bit of a slow learner / late bloomer but I kinda wish there was class I could do and I would be magical fixed.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I was like you. No success with girls in my early twenties, despite being reasonably attractive I was just so shy. At 23 a girl asked me out, we went out for a bit but I treated her like a friend and showed no courage so the chemistry died and I didn't even get to kiss a girl who asked me out and I was falling for. I actually went on here anonymously back then and got terrible advice "be yourself, open up to hwe, follow her lead". This went on for months and broke my heart horrifically when I opened up. This obviously hurt but it was the best thing to happen to me romantically. I realised how pathetic I was being. I was embarrassed about accepting my sexuality, and behaved as of girls have no sexuality.

I started lifting weights, being braver with girls and reading books on confidence, sexuality and relationships. Like you I prefer to be honest and avoid manipulative tactics so I was careful about what I took in.

I recommend reading "models", I believe this is the sort of ethical guide to sexual relationships you need. "The book of pook" can be downloaded for free and is really great quality, about a guy who was similar to you and I and how he turned it around. I would recommend reading pua stuff and picking the acceptable pieces out too.

In the past 12 months I've gotten my first kiss, dated a dozen girls, and have had sex with 4. My humiliating lack of success is no longer hanging over my head, I don't care how many I sleep with anymore, but it was really disheartening being 24 and a virgin. Now I'm at the stage where a few of these girls wanted relationships with me, I had to let a couple down and an going out with a girl now for a couple of months. It is no coincidence this all happened when I started investing in myself.

You sound extremely cautious and romantically needy to the vast majority of women this will be a huge turn off. You need the balls to take risks and not get upset of things don't go your way. I highly recommend that book "models", I believe it will set you on course to change you're romantic/sexual life.

Goodluck

ILikeBananas

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I see someone mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy.. Hmm maybe a bit extreme just yet .

Do you know anything about Cogntive Behaviour Therapy? I ask because the above statement makes it sound like you're describing ElectroConvulsive Therapy or some other extreme procedure.

CBT is harmless and is actually something that really should be taught to all children in secondary schools, perhaps as a module in their transition year. In a nutshell it's all about recognising faulty thinking patterns and correcting them before they trigger negative feelings.

It's been proven to be as effective as anti-depressants in treating patients and you don't even need to go to a counsellor to practice it as there are plenty of books and videos out there explaining the process.

OP you've shown various examples of faulty thinking in your posts :

• I must have a relationship to be happy
• I am a failure when it comes to relationships
• I know I am the problem when it comes to meeting women

Challenging these kind of poisonous assertions is exactly what CBT is all about. I really think you should look into this area. Best of Luck.

The Masculinist

My friends reckon your 30s are the best time to get women. I am in my 20s so can't really judge.

aidanki

patheticguyinthepast wrote: »

Hi OP.

I was like you. No success with girls in my early twenties, despite being reasonably attractive I was just so shy. At 23 a girl asked me out, we went out for a bit but I treated her like a friend and showed no courage so the chemistry died and I didn't even get to kiss a girl who asked me out and I was falling for. I actually went on here anonymously back then and got terrible advice "be yourself, open up to hwe, follow her lead". This went on for months and broke my heart horrifically when I opened up. This obviously hurt but it was the best thing to happen to me romantically. I realised how pathetic I was being. I was embarrassed about accepting my sexuality, and behaved as of girls have no sexuality.

I started lifting weights, being braver with girls and reading books on confidence, sexuality and relationships. Like you I prefer to be honest and avoid manipulative tactics so I was careful about what I took in.

I recommend reading "models", I believe this is the sort of ethical guide to sexual relationships you need. "The book of pook" can be downloaded for free and is really great quality, about a guy who was similar to you and I and how he turned it around. I would recommend reading pua stuff and picking the acceptable pieces out too.

In the past 12 months I've gotten my first kiss, dated a dozen girls, and have had sex with 4. My humiliating lack of success is no longer hanging over my head, I don't care how many I sleep with anymore, but it was really disheartening being 24 and a virgin. Now I'm at the stage where a few of these girls wanted relationships with me, I had to let a couple down and an going out with a girl now for a couple of months. It is no coincidence this all happened when I started investing in myself.

You sound extremely cautious and romantically needy to the vast majority of women this will be a huge turn off. You need the balls to take risks and not get upset of things don't go your way. I highly recommend that book "models", I believe it will set you on course to change you're romantic/sexual life.

Goodluck

books on confidence sexuality relationships ?

what would you recommend

I did a search for the book models but didn't find the book I think you are referring to, have found the book of pook alright and am reading it

LegacyUser

aidanki wrote: »

books on confidence sexuality relationships ?

what would you recommend

I did a search for the book models but didn't find the book I think you are referring to, have found the book of pook alright and am reading it

Models: Attract women through honesty.

The author is called Mark Manson. When reading it be aware that what he means when he says "showing vulnerability" is actually putting yourself in a position of failure our rejection ie. putting yourself in a vulnerable position, this often confused with displaying emotional vulnerability by a lot of guys who read the book.

The way of the superior man was another great book. That's really about male sexuality rather than dating.

There are many other books you can read depending on your needs. My advice is to go on Amazon and take an in depth look at the reviews. Best off to get a kindle and maybe audio books. Can be embarrassing buying hard copies of self improvement books.

There is another really good one, quite a quick read but it's name escapes me right now. Just try and immerse yourself in it for a while build habits, maybe keep a diary and see how things go.

ShortyGotLow

The Masculinist wrote: »

My friends reckon your 30s are the best time to get women. I am in my 20s so can't really judge.

It is true, 30+ men start to mature and are more on the same wavelength as women in their 20s. A lot of guys spend their 20s drinking, going out trying to score girls, etc. They settle down in their 30s and also are more likely to be doing well career/money wise so have nicer clothes, car, apartments, etc.