pregnancy, parents-in-law, money and where to live

LegacyUser

So my partner of 4 years are in our early 30's and I live in Dublin city where I work part-time, study part-time and have a close network of friends. We rent a very small house, quite old and expensive but we have it done up nice and have been happy here. The rent is a large proportion of our combined incomes but we manage because we cycle everywhere and there's plenty to do without spending too much money. When I finish my studies (in 2 years) I'm not sure where the job opportunities will be, and my partners job would also enable him to get higher-paid work abroad, so emigration is not out of the question. However, I'm now 5 months pregnant and while this is something we have half-planned for, and we're happy, we were never sure when it would happen, hence we're not particularly organised! We're suddenly under some pressure from his family, who are lovely and who have helped us out a lot, to buy a house close to where they are in the country. They have offered to more-or-less buy a house for us, but providing it is close to them, which is just about commutable into the city but not in an area that I know or particularly like. When I spend a weekend out there I'm only dying to get back into town. They think we cannot raise a child in the city in a rented house. Obviously we couldn't afford to buy in the city at this stage. I'm sort of sticking to my guns, because I have a life here and I'd be terrified of being lonely with a child and far from my work. That said, my work is part-time and low paid so if I was commuting in it wouldn't be worth the hassle, and my study can be done from home. My partner says he will do whatever makes me happy, but I'm aware of having responsibilities now more than just myself - I have to provide a good foundation for my child. But I'm a city girl! Any advice out there would be appreciated, thanks a million.

tinkerbell

OP, you would be mad to accept their offer. They want to buy you a house in an area of THEIR choosing and it has to be close to them, and you don't even like the area. You and your partner are adults and you can decide where you choose to raise your child, not his parents or anybody else. Do not make any rash decisions now. Wait a while and see how you feel once baby has been here a few months. Congratulations by the way!

MistyCheese

I would stick to your guns and not move. I'm a city girl too and my husband and I moved down the country (not even very far!) when I got pregnant. It can be very isolating when you feel like you're miles from everything. You don't need that on top of having your first baby, enough will be new and different, stick with the home where you're comfortable.

If you feel there is a bit of pressure on you guys to move I'd be a bit worried that people may 'take over' when the baby comes. Now I might be wrong, I don't know these people, it could be that you'd be surrounded with babysitters and helpful advice but when Baby comes you and your partner will need to work out the best routine for the three of you, and I would definitely feel more comfortable in familiar surroundings.

Best of luck and congratulations on the baby.

LegacyUser

Sounds great that they you would buy you a house and yous would be mortgage free, however it could come at a hefty price. Your own happiness! I would rent in an area before committing to a house purchase. What happens if you hate living there ?
Commuting can work out expensive and its also very tiring. You could end up spending more time stuck on a bus or in a car than at home with your baby. How long would the commute be to Dublin for work and study? Would you have to drive or rely on public transport ? Ultimately stay in the place you are going to be happy.

MagicMarker

You're being offered a FREE house. You're a part time student whose job opportunities are currently unknown and your current rent makes up a large portion of your combined income so it doesn't exactly sound like your partner is earning the big bucks.

You would be mad to not at least give this major consideration. Think of your child before yourself, you have the chance to give the kid a home.

Your circumstances may improve in the future and you could afford to move back to the City, but to say no to a free home in today's market would be madness tbh. Think about the money you'll save first of all, and how that can be used to improve the standard of living of your family.

ABajaninCork

Nope! No way Jose. It's a form of control. Your in-laws want you nearby so that they can see the grandchild as they like. You fall in with the in-laws wishes, and wallop! You'll never get chance to breathe. The last thing you want is to be living somewhere you hate far from YOUR friends and family with no support. It will make you ill and miserable, believe me.

What on earth do they mean you can't raise a child in a rented house? How many kids have been raised in rented/council accommodation over the years??

I'd stay where you are for the moment. No need for hasty decisions. The baby can sleep in a Moses Basket or cot, so it's not imperative that you move now.

As a matter of interest - what are your partner's feelings on this?

ABajaninCork

MagicMarker wrote: »

.You're being offered a FREE house You're a part time student whose job opportunities are currently unknown and your current rent makes up a large portion of your combined income so it doesn't exactly sound like your partner is earning the big bucks.

You would be mad to not at least give this major consideration. Think of your child before yourself, you have the chance to give the kid a home.

Your circumstances may improve in the future and you could afford to move back to the City, but to say no to a free home in today's market would be madness tbh. Think about the money you'll save first of all, and how that can be used to improve the standard of living of your family.

No - it's not free. It will come with strings. And I do not believe it will improve the standard of living for the OP and her soon-to-be family.

Not everything can be measured in £'s, shillings and pence.

MagicMarker

ABajaninCork wrote: »

No - it's not free. It will come with strings. And I do not believe it will improve the standard of living for the OP and her soon-to-be family..

Of course you don't, you've created a hypothetical scenario where the grandparents impose themselves in every aspect of the lives of the OP and her family. Where as I've just based my answer on what the OP has said.

Maybe the in-laws would simply like to provide for their grand-kids in this way? And have no intention of being the in-laws from hell?

Either way is possible really, but the OP has an opportunity here that others would kill for. So I say give it some thought, discuss it with the in-laws, maybe research areas. Don't just turn down the offer because a bunch of strangers on the internet say your in-laws will make your life a living hell if you go through with it which has absolutely no basis in the reality that we know of.

ABajaninCork

unregistered wrote: »

So my partner of 4 years are in our early 30's and I live in Dublin city where I work part-time, study part-time and have a close network of friends. We rent a very small house, quite old and expensive but we have it done up nice and have been happy here. The rent is a large proportion of our combined incomes but we manage because we cycle everywhere and there's plenty to do without spending too much money. When I finish my studies (in 2 years) I'm not sure where the job opportunities will be, and my partners job would also enable him to get higher-paid work abroad, so emigration is not out of the question. However, I'm now 5 months pregnant and while this is something we have half-planned for, and we're happy, we were never sure when it would happen, hence we're not particularly organised! We're suddenly under some pressure from his family, who are lovely and who have helped us out a lot, to buy a house close to where they are in the country. They have offered to more-or-less buy a house for us, but providing it is close to them, which is just about commutable into the city but not in an area that I know or particularly like. When I spend a weekend out there I'm only dying to get back into town. They think we cannot raise a child in the city in a rented house. Obviously we couldn't afford to buy in the city at this stage. I'm sort of sticking to my guns, because I have a life here and I'd be terrified of being lonely with a child and far from my work. That said, my work is part-time and low paid so if I was commuting in it wouldn't be worth the hassle, and my study can be done from home. My partner says he will do whatever makes me happy, but I'm aware of having responsibilities now more than just myself - I have to provide a good foundation for my child. But I'm a city girl! Any advice out there would be appreciated, thanks a million.

This is the part that stood out to me and others who have commented on this thread. Why are the in-laws insisting the house be close to them if they simply want to help?? And why do the in-laws think the baby cannot be brought up in rented accommodation? The OP does not even LIKE the area.

To me, this suggests control.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. About the in-laws, they mean well. There probably is an element of control in terms of them wanting to be nearer their son/grandchild but they're quite old-school so its just what's normal for them. My partner is understanding, and I've explained to him that it's better for women to be around familiar surroundings when they have a baby, even if those surroundings are bit cramped and expensive. It's risky to make any big changes now I guess. Yes, the offer of a house is appealing, and I don't have any relatives of my own that would ever be in a position to do that for me, but - I agree - some things can't be measured in £s. The reason they're set on near their area is because they think its the best place in the world! It's quite scenic, lots of room for kids and a family-oriented place. My partner's 2 brothers and their wives/kids are out there and I think they want us to be one big happy family but it makes me claustrophobic. I get on great with all of them but I love the city, having my independence and opportunity to work. Moving there would mean I'll have little choice but to be a housewife. So I suppose I've answered my own question - wait and see!

iusedtoknow

Run...run quite fast.

My sister got caught in a similar situation - happy out in a 1 bedroom apartment in Galway - Pregnant and the husbands family gave them a plot and a house 25 miles out.

The husband ended up nearly killing himself with a 50 mile round trip commute in galway traffic every day and my sister was miserable and alone in a small enough country town with no one but her in-laws around.

It lasted 2 years before they had to leave and head back to the city for both their sanity.

While you do need to take grandparents into account with kids...this is your new family, you and your partner need to do what is best for YOUR unit, not the extended family

iguana

Would a compromise be possible? Maybe a more urban area with a better commute to the city in an area nearer to them but not right under them either? That way you'd have the benefit of a secure, family home but still be able to access Dublin while not being so 'exposed' to your in laws. And they would have the knowledge that they could help their grandchild have a secure home and a closer, but not controlling, relationship with their son and grandchild.

Flippyfloppy

No no no.

You will need your friends when you have your baby, and you don't even like the area. That's all there is to consider.

Living in the City centre you'll be close to your maternity hospital, you can have nice walks & browses in shops when baby is born , there'll be plenty of groups and activities to keep you busy. If you're a city girl now, you'll still be one after your baby.

Plus if you're going to continue to study & work part time and have a baby you don't wanna throw a commute into the mix.

Big Bag of Chips

unregistered wrote: »

So I suppose I've answered my own question - wait and see!

No rush. You're only pregnant now. You have at least a year before you need to even think about making those decisions. And you realistically have about 5 years until your child starts school to decide where to live on a more permanent basis. There is no rush to decide anything.

I also think the offer to buy you a house "as long as it's in their area" is more about having you close than helping out. If they genuinely wanted to help they'd gift you the money for whatever house you'd like! I'd hate to live on my in-laws' doorstep. I'd hate to live on my own family's doorstep!! A little bit of distance is good.

No rush. Newborns don't take up much space. So being in an apartment for a while won't make any difference to them. I'd suggest enjoying your own time with your baby, and leaving the decision making until further down the road.

MouseTail

Im not sure I would accept a gift with such strings, however, will you still be able to afford the rent on your partners salary alone? I'm assuming yours will be eaten with childcare if you return to work.

Neyite

Op, recently we were offered a place that would have been almost half the rent we pay now, but when we factored in the fuel costs for a commute and that we'd need to be on the road at 7am to be at work at 9, and not getting home until after 7, it would give us no family time, and not much of a saving money-wise because of petrol.

Tell them that you are happier in close proximity to your maternity unit at the moment, and that you will consider their generous offer carefully, but not until after the baby is born.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, in case it is not obvious, one of the most significant factors will be when you have your child, plus possibly more, how you manage childcare. its not even just the cost impact but also having access to extended family for it also makes a huge difference.

skooterblue2

Hi Op a lot of great arguments, Most things in life can be boiled down to Maths.
How much is the house worth a year in rent to you? 15K?
How much will it cost you to commute to the city (wear and tear on the car, petrol; and time)?

Then factor in everytime you want something from the city you have to go in to pick it up (another bill for you there, see it rising?)
It takes one set of skills to live in the city and another to live in the country. Then there is the stress of "you owe us, unlimited grand parent access and you're in the country now, not city ways".

How about you suffer it out for a few more years and when your stuff comes together ye will still be heads of your own households. It will be hard enough trying to agree between two people where to live .... now imagine when 4 people are having to input into it? This way you will be second class citizens in your own home, if you accept the deal being offered.

Calhoun

Commutes are absolute killers, they eat away at you over time. Additionally as someone who moved for my partner think long and hard before you move.

It's fairly isolating in a new town and if your from a big place you can lose allot of stuff you take for granted.

If it was me I would consider it seriously but would probably decline.

seventeen sheep

Even taking the baby out of the equation, you'd be crazy to tie yourself down to any location when you're not settled in your career. If you had a permanent well-paying job, and the commute was doable, it might be a time to consider buying - as it is right now, you don't know what your career opportunities will be when you finish your course in two years time - renting is absolutely ideal for couples in your situation. If I were you, I'd continue to rent for the next couple of years no matter what happens - and see where your career is then.

Your life in Dublin sounds very cosy and happy. You'll find it hard to build up a similar network of friends in a rural environment. It sounds extremely lonely to me. If you're dying to get back there after a weekend, imagine how awful it would be to be stuck in an empty unfamiliar house all day with a tiny new baby, nowhere to go and nothing to do, with only maybe the in-laws dropping in from time to time. (Well, actually, since they'd be buying the house, they'd likely feel very comfortable to drop in ALL the time.)

It's clear you absolutely do not want to accept their offer (and you're dead right, in my opinion.) I wouldn't bother fobbing them off until the baby is born, or until you're finished your course - they'll end up assuming that you're going to go ahead with their plan and it's only a matter of time. After all, from their point of view, why wouldn't you? I know a lot of people who sound similar to his parents whose mantra is "renting is dead money", who consider renting (and especially in Dublin!) to be some sort of a deviant lifestyle, and certainly not a reasonable long-term choice. They're probably going to think you're crazy to say no to them, so better to get it over with sooner rather than later, and let them get used to the idea that it's unlikely you'll ever live in the area.

A gift isn't really a gift if there are strings attached. If they're genuine about wanting to help you out, they may change their offer to giving you an equivalent sum of money as a deposit for a house in Dublin - or wherever you might choose to buy, a few years from now. Not that I'd suggest this to them! But you never know - they clearly have the money - if they genuinely want it to benefit your family, they would respect your right to choose where you live, and give you the money anyways.

Shrap

seventeen sheep wrote: »

Your life in Dublin sounds very cosy and happy. You'll find it hard to build up a similar network of friends in a rural environment. It sounds extremely lonely to me. If you're dying to get back there after a weekend, imagine how awful it would be to be stuck in an empty unfamiliar house all day with a tiny new baby, nowhere to go and nothing to do, with only maybe the in-laws dropping in from time to time. (Well, actually, since they'd be buying the house, they'd likely feel very comfortable to drop in ALL the time.)

Exactly that. 5 months pregnant is a terrible time to move to a rural area where you're at least 3 years away from meeting a wide selection of people at the local play-group or school or similar. How exactly would you meet people you could call friends without being brought around and introduced by your in-laws or joining every mother and baby group in the surrounding towns? No. Just no. Stick to where your friends are for now. Like someone else said, a long term plan for where to live only becomes important when you're looking at schools. And I speak as someone who moved to a rural area 5 years before having kids. It can be very isolating, having a baby and having no place to go beyond your/the in-laws houses.

DaisyD2

Sorry doing this on phone so bare with me. Taking offer of house and in-laws out of equation for a minute, I have to agree with BBoC

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

- You're only pregnant now. realistically have about 5 years until your child starts school to decide where to live on a more permanent basis.

- Newborns don't take up much space. So being in an apartment for a while won't make any difference to them.

-enjoying your own time with your baby, and leaving the decision making until further down the road.

You mention in OP the strong possibility of living & working abroad when studies are completed - why on earth then would you consider buying a house? Any house? Be it with your money, theirs or Lotto!

I think you mentioned 2yrs study left, you are only 5mths pregnant (Congrats btw:) you don't want hassle of moving, commuting, settling, working, studying and all whilst preparing & entering parenthood & the major life changes a baby will bring to your life & relationship.

Put the brakes on, take care of you, your partner & growing newbie continue to enjoy Your Life!

Use time wasted commuting to study hard to give your growing family the best future possible, good luck

pwurple

Shrap wrote: »

Exactly that. 5 months pregnant is a terrible time to move to a rural area where you're at least 3 years away from meeting a wide selection of people at the local play-group or school or similar. How exactly would you meet people you could call friends without being brought around and introduced by your in-laws or joining every mother and baby group in the surrounding towns? No. Just no. Stick to where your friends are for now. Like someone else said, a long term plan for where to live only becomes important when you're looking at schools. And I speak as someone who moved to a rural area 5 years before having kids. It can be very isolating, having a baby and having no place to go beyond your/the in-laws houses.

Well... I moved to a new location when I was pregnant. I made one of my maternity leave mini-projects be the Get To Know people project. Now, I moved from one part of a city to another part... but if you're in the center of a town/village rather than 4 miles drive from anywhere, you can still meet loads of people. Villages can be very friendly places, friendlier than cities sometimes.

Work/study and support are where I'd be worried, because this is a big step.

Is it going to become unfeasible to complete your course? Will you be able to get work, or is it being assumed by your boyfriend and his family that you are going to become a stay-at-home-mum from now on? Is this what you want? If it is, then living close to supportive relatives can be very handy. Looking after a baby on your own can be isolating too, even in a city.

What's your plan, basically?

Is it to live in family bliss in the countryside and pack in the work/study stuff?
Or is it to go with work/career and busier city life?


Nothing wrong with either of them, people enjoy them both! Just as long as it is what you want, rather than something you fall into, or feel trapped in.

power pants

Im not sure why everyone thinks this is such a bad idea

From what the OP has said it is the suburbs of Dublin and not out in the country?

I don't see how the parents are being controlling, they have offered to buy a house. I doubt they would have offered if there was no baby so their intentions seem good, I think anyway without knowing them.

I see their point about rented accommodation. I don't think it is particularly ideal either. You are not in control of any rental increases, if the landlord wants to sell etc.

you could be moving around in various rental properties due to the above throughout the child's youth. Im not knocking it as such but stability and roots is very important too.

what is to say you need to leave that place you are in now next year and are priced out of the area you are currently living in?

As another poster said, living close by to family when you both intend to be working is something not to be overlooked

I live alone, work full time with a child and have no family here at all. It is hard

City centre is only a small journey away and you can easily make friends in the area the house is in.

Ultimately it is your decision off course, but id seriously consider your child and the offer. Might not ever get an offer as good as that come your direction. Expecially when you are you paying over the top rent for someone elses mortgage

Could always sell up if you still don't like the area in a few years and buy your next house in another area of your liking

Neyite

power pants wrote: »

Im not sure why everyone thinks this is such a bad idea

From what the OP has said it is the suburbs of Dublin and not out in the country?

I don't see how the parents are being controlling, they have offered to buy a house. I doubt they would have offered if there was no baby so their intentions seem good, I think anyway without knowing them.

I see their point about rented accommodation. I don't think it is particularly ideal either. You are not in control of any rental increases, if the landlord wants to sell etc.

you could be moving around in various rental properties due to the above throughout the child's youth. Im not knocking it as such but stability and roots is very important too.

what is to say you need to leave that place you are in now next year and are priced out of the area you are currently living in?

As another poster said, living close by to family when you both intend to be working is something not to be overlooked

I live alone, work full time with a child and have no family here at all. It is hard

City centre is only a small journey away and you can easily make friends in the area the house is in.

Ultimately it is your decision off course, but id seriously consider your child and the offer. Might not ever get an offer as good as that come your direction. Expecially when you are you paying over the top rent for someone elses mortgage

Could always sell up if you still don't like the area in a few years and buy your next house in another area of your liking

Its not necessarily a bad idea - its a very generous offer from the in-laws, but its only suitable if it suits the OP and her partner, and if they have the freedom down the line to sell the house or not.

Things to consider are:

Childcare:
Creche fees monthly are about 800-1000 or more per month. Having a willing grandparent to help out is worth their weight in gold. Aside from the obvious financial gain, grandparents are more likely to take your child when they are sick or teething, where a childminder or a creche might ask you to take the child home until they are better. Sometimes a lot of workdays get missed as a result of that. But, on the other hand, if you decide to wean at 6 months /co-sleep /ban sweet foods etc will your granny abide by that or do her own thing?

I've covered commuting up-thread so wont repeat it.

In terms of them buying a house. Its conditional that its near them - this has benefits in terms of family support, emergency minding etc that crops up from time to time. But, since they bought it, does that mean that they get a say in how you do it up, or if you choose to sell up at a later stage, is it really 'yours' to sell? Would it be on family land that might prevent that?

The overall area. Again, when a baby comes along, you tend to think of your neighbourhood in terms of proximity to amenities that suit you as a family - parks and nice woodland walks, or shops nearby, or good schools, or public transport links. The mix of what suits one family is very different to another, so you need to weigh up what suits you in that regard. Is there a waiting list in the schools in your current area?

That's why I suggested to hold off until the baby comes at least - in fact hold off until the baby becomes mobile because your lifestyle can and does change and the urban lifestyle that might suit you as a young couple may or may not suit you as a young couple juggling two jobs, study, and a baby. You really wont know until you get to that point, so the longer you can fob them off until you have thought it fully through, the better, whatever you decide.

FWIW, we rent, in an urban area and likewise the in-laws would love us to move nearer, but for the moment we dont want to commit to a mortgage because we may go abroad - we dont know just yet. Renting suits us very well at the moment. By the time I was 5, my parents had renovated and moved house about 4 times and none of us turned out any differently to the youngest one who was born in the final family house - so IMO the stability argument for a kid is non-existent. Moving is a big exciting adventure for children, especially at a young age.

shuffle65

Oh dear! Living near the in-laws is seldom a good idea, I know from experience (and the experience of people I know). I'm sure they mean well but personally I wouldn't recommend it. No matter what you would be indebted to them if they bought you a house. Paddling your own canoe is usually the best way to go...

Toots

I have to agree with the other posters who say this probably isn't the best idea. For one thing, moving house is massively stressful, and couple that with the stress of pregnancy and having a new baby and it could be completely overwhelming. I live very near my in-laws and my own family, and after I had my son I had a lot of visitors and found it really stressful. Some people like having a lot of family popping in after a baby is born, but I really wanted to have time to myself. I get the feeling that if you've got a house right near them, that they bought, that there might be a bit of a sense that they can just drop in whenever they want.

Regarding having a baby in rented accommodation, are they afraid ye'll have to move out when the baby arrives? I remember when my sister in law got pregnant she was living with her partner in a rented apartment, and when they told my MIL she freaked out because she thought the sister & her partner would get evicted when the landlord found out. Apparently when my MIL was pregnant with my eldest brother in law (about 40+ years ago), they were renting a flat, and when they told the landlord she was expecting, he booted them out.

If I were you I'd stick where you are for the moment, it's in your comfort zone, you're close to lots of amenities, and you're happy in where you live. Also, with your course, you don't know where you'll need to live when that's finished. As you pointed out, you may even be moving abroad. Maybe tell your inlaws that you're very grateful for their offer, but you'd prefer to wait until you've finished the course and see where your job options are before putting down permanent roots (as an aside, I wouldn't mention anything about moving abroad unless it's definitely on the cards).

LegacyUser

I would agree with the previous post here that it would be better for you to stay where you are at the moment. It is better to be near the maternity hospital and friends after the baby is born. Your relatives may think you should take the house offer but the reality is that yes your getting a house but what are you giving up long term for this house?
You may have to give up your study. Your partner could spend a long time commuting each day. The reality is that you could end up living in a rural area where you no know one accept your relatives. Also if they brought you a house it may lead to them never leaving this house.

I would keep your options open in regards to keeping up your study which long term will benefit you and your family. Also in 2 to 3 years time you could always move abroad for career and family reasons. If you have a house brought for you by your relatives this might not be easy to do.

Good luck with the baby and your studies.