In a colossal rut

LegacyUser

Ok so I wondered if I could get the good people of PI's advice. I'm going to give a run through of my situation and hopefully glean some useful insights from non professionals because I think I need to hear more of that.

So, basically was diagnosed with "Borderline Personality Disorder" a few years back following a few things. Firstly I was prone to self harm, overdoses, impulsive behaviour and had low self esteem for a long time. I decided to get help after coming half way through college and I hadn't been sleeping earlier than 6am for quite a while, was vegetarian but was basically spending all my money on alcohol and takeaways or really crap food. I had literally no energy and became anaemic. I got into the habit of sleeping during the day and was really anxious and depressed and sometimes heard stuff that wasn't there when I would leave my room. Stopped going into college and failed a couple of exams. Stopped answering my phone and facebook because I just felt to sh1t and inadequate around people. Slowly cut off most of my friends and family.

I dropped out and moved out to stay with some family for 6 months and the habit of staying in bed stuck and attempts to meet my friends and act normal didn't go well I would just feel really out of place and weird and even with my family I felt awkward and felt like they hated me. Started a few jobs, never lasting longer than a couple days and started a course, again not seeing it through. I basically had and still have no confidence around people anymore and when I do meet people I feel really WEIRD ugh I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway fast forward to now I'm 23, haven't gone into the latest course in nearly a month, I stay in bed a lot, too much and attempts to be this normal healthy happy person just aren't working. The thing is I have tried intensive therapy, various counsellors, changing round my diet and medications, none to any avail. I just feel at this pt that I am destined to resign to my bed and fade away. I have so many anxieties and insecurities that run deep and I don't know if I will get over them.

So the point of writing this is to see if anyone else has found themselves in a similar position and find out what if anything helped you get your life back on track? Also would be interested to hear people's thoughts even if you haven't experienced this. Just feel like my head is in a cloud - lack motivation, can't focus or think straight for the past 4 years.

pharmaton

I'm not very good at giving advice op but I've struggled quite a lot, as many do, over the years what with life and all that it comes with. I do remember some years ago, when I was in my mid twenties going through a period similar to how you describe. I remember being at that point where I eventually did ask for help, from several directions but only to be refused (no meds, distant family, isolated from friends, unable to get work, etc) and as it had been going on for what seemed like many years, naturally my thoughts turned to thinking that death would be a great release. Despite that, I couldn't manage to end my life, I over analysed and eventually after much struggling decided that at some point I would die, but it wouldn't be at my own hand but because sooner or later we all do. Reaching that conclusion ended a lot of my struggles. It wasn't acceptance, more like resignation that "well, you're here, so you might as well do something" and while I was busy waiting to die I just got on with living. I didn't have a reason to live, I just didn't feel like I had any other options and I stopped trying to control/effect my own life. I suppose it was my own unique way of letting it go.

so, I'm still here waiting to die but in the meantime life managed to happen and things continue to occur all on it's own. (it can still be a struggle but I take each day as it comes)

LegacyUser

pharmaton wrote: »

I'm not very good at giving advice op but I've struggled quite a lot, as many do, over the years what with life and all that it comes with. I do remember some years ago, when I was in my mid twenties going through a period similar to how you describe. I remember being at that point where I eventually did ask for help, from several directions but only to be refused (no meds, distant family, isolated from friends, unable to get work, etc) and as it had been going on for what seemed like many years, naturally my thoughts turned to thinking that death would be a great release. Despite that, I couldn't manage to end my life, I over analysed and eventually after much struggling decided that at some point I would die, but it wouldn't be at my own hand but because sooner or later we all do. Reaching that conclusion ended a lot of my struggles. It wasn't acceptance, more like resignation that "well, you're here, so you might as well do something" and while I was busy waiting to die I just got on with living. I didn't have a reason to live, I just didn't feel like I had any other options and I stopped trying to control/effect my own life. I suppose it was my own unique way of letting it go.

so, I'm still here waiting to die but in the meantime life managed to happen and things continue to occur all on it's own. (it can still be a struggle but I take each day as it comes)

Thank you for your reply and I can feel a sort of kinship toward you, sorry to hear of your own struggle. Today was a much better, clearer day. It's amazing the difference a day can make as cheesy as it sounds. Things are ok for today. Do you think that general viewpoint you have toward life (or death rather) has helped you be happier or achieve more things in life? Acceptance/resignation for me is a double edged sword.

pharmaton

asduga087983 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply and I can feel a sort of kinship toward you, sorry to hear of your own struggle. Today was a much better, clearer day. It's amazing the difference a day can make as cheesy as it sounds. Things are ok for today. Do you think that general viewpoint you have toward life (or death rather) has helped you be happier or achieve more things in life? Acceptance/resignation for me is a double edged sword.

I think it just put things into context for me. I will admit I probably cared less about certain stuff as a result, mostly other people, but it helped that I no longer felt it was necessary whether I fit in or not, or whether others cared or not. I no longer needed to seek approval or validation from external sources and in a way that was liberating because I pretty much could do as I pleased, take greater risks. (with the exception of hurting others) My perspective of life changed and as I grew more comfortable with myself the pressures and stresses of life and the anxieties that it brought with it decreased. Admittedly, at times I still felt at odds with the world around me but it was just the first step in taking myself out of the rut I was in and redirected my focus away from the pain and discomfort that I was living with.
I did eventually find some work and I started going out a lot more, in fact I socialised quite a bit and met a lot of people (none of whom I let get too close however) and a couple of years later went back to education where I learned a lot about myself (my strengths and my weaknesses) while picking up new skills.
Occasionally I forget myself and become wrapped up in the rat race once again but I just remind myself where I've come from and when if feel like life has 'let me down' I stop and question my expectations and move on.

I don't know if it helps at all, I think everyone's journey is different. I've read books, taken advice, sought counselling, I exercised almost religiously, I ate healthily and each of those things has contributed in some way so I do recommend them as practical things to do too. I do hope you find some comfort soon though.


just to add, the days when things are especially tough I just watch some vids on youtube, I don't know if links are allowed but I find this stuff helpful https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU1qgOdtwg