Feeling overwhelmed and no idea how to deal with it

Stella Sch.

I have been reading on boards for a good while now and I guess I could need some advice for myself.

I lost my father 3 years a ago to cancer and while he had one painfree year from the actual diagnosis to his death, the last three weeks he spent in hospital were a complete nightmare.
My dad and I were very close and I guess watching him die broke something inside of me.

That was 3 years ago now and I feel that I still cannot deal with it by now. If I try to talk to my sister, she totally blocks the topic, waving it away (I think she doesn't know how to deal with it either).

Now my mother found a new partner and I know I should be delighted by it, because the last thing I want is her to be lonely for the rest of her life, but I absolutely do not know how to deal with it.
The first point which makes it hard for me to accept: He is my dad's cousin and I can't even think about it without clenching my teeth.

The second point is that they are both on fecebook being all lovey doveys, uploading pictures together, etc., but not one single word has been said about this to my sister and myself.

Now the new guy wants to come over when I am at my mother's for my birthday (he already stated that I 'can have whatever I want' as a present). Point is, I don't want that. I don't want him to come for my Birthday and I also don't want a present from him.
I preferably had if he left me alone for the time being as I am still not over my dad's death and I miss him terribly, especially during this time of the year (he passed away mid-december and his funeral was one day before Christmas Eve).

I just don't know how to deal with this situation, because I also don't want to be an unreasonable tit, barking at my mum's new boyfriend: don't you dare to show up!
But I really feel that I cannot cope with seeing them together, especially on my Birthday.
And I still have in mind that they don't even bother telling us despite being all over themselves on facebook.

Any advice how I could deal with this situation? And I am aware that I could probably do with some counselling to 'digest' what has happened to my dad.

S.

The Princess Bride

Hi Stella.
How is your relationship with your mother?
I agree that you shouldn't have found out about her new partner through FB.

Do you feel strong enough to sit down with her and tell her your concerns?
Perhaps tell her that you're still grieving your dad's passing, that you just aren't quite ready to process this relationship yet.
Tell her that you're happy she's found someone -it's important that you acknowledge this- but that the thought of him there on your birthday is too much, that you just can't deal with it at this point in your life.

Remember, honesty is always the best policy.
I don't think you're being irrational, but unless you tell your mother how you're feeling, she won't understand.
Everyone has a different way of dealing with grief.Perhaps she has merely accepted it sooner.

Re: counselling. It sounds like both you and your sister would benefit from it.
Bear in mind, not everyone offering a counselling service is good, perhaps try and find someone who specialises in grief counselling.
There is no "normal" time frame for getting over a loved one's death.
www.citizensinformation.ie for booklets by Comhairle on Bereavement.
Also, the Irish Hospice Foundation has free leaflets on Understanding Grief, Grieving the death of someone close, Adults grieving the death of a parent,The Grieving Family.
Info@hospice-foundation.ie.
Also,www.cancer.ie for information booklets.

Take care of yourself, a lot of people feel emotionally vulnerable at this time of year-that is allowed, but just know that there are people available to support you.

Take care of yourself

Stella Sch.

Thank you for your reply

I spoke to my mum today and she was 'shocked' that I am still so sad about losing my dad. She respects my wish that I don't want her new partner to be there for my Birthday and that I cannot cope with it right now.

I will definiteky have a look into counselling in the new year, I have been bawling my eyes out all day today (and that happens very regularly) and I cannot go on like this. I have the feeling I make everyone around me miserable... And I guess I feel lonely most of the time, despite having some great friends, because I tend to bottle my feelings up instead of letting them out and talking with people... :-/

December2012

You know, it would be okay to talk to a support line now or in the next few days to help you get through the anniversary of your Dad's death, funeral and christmas. You don't have to wait until the new year. Maybe even try reading and posting on the Bereavement forum if you don't want to talk to anybody specifically.

I lost my Dad too and it's absolutely horrible, you have my sympathies and my condolences. I get the impression that you are young - teens / early 20s?

I am going to play devil's advocate here, okay? I don't think (from what you've said) that your sister or your mother are rejecting the idea that you are grieving. It sounds like your sister doesn't know what to say or do, and probably neither does your mother. The fact that there is a communication breakdown in that she won't tell you about her relationship face to face and yet is obvious about it to others suggests that maybe this is a habit your family fell into; possibly as a method of coping with the trauma of the years of illness your father suffered. Maybe you would have been one of those kind of families who didn't talk about feelings anyway, or at least not the difficult ones.

While your mother (I am assuming) understands now that you are still grieving over your father, it may be that she did not think you were so affected because you did not show her that you were so affected. Maybe everybody assumes you are fine because you present yourself as if you are fine. And when you present yourself as if you are fine, the last thing anybody is going to want to do is to ask you about a traumatic and upsetting event.

I think this is one of those times where you have to be vocal about talking about your feelings and what you need, which is support and some help in processing your grief and your bereavement. It sounds like you do not have presently have any avenue in which to even talk about your Dad? A counsellor can help, maybe a chat with your mam can help, possibly a diary or a blog or as I said the Bereavement forum.

you've started to open this pressure valve now, so please don't stop. Keep your progress up at your own pace. Talk to your GP or your public health nurse to find out if there is any bereavement support in your area that is free.

Separately, I have heard that when you lose a spouse and then remarry or get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, its not automatically a sign of disrespect to the deceased person. If you're in love, and your love dies, and then you find the possibility of love again, its common that you now do not want to lose that possibility of love again. Am I making sense? When your spouse dies, you truly know how precious life is, and how wonderful love is. After all the pain, you need to feel good again. It does not mean that the love for the dead person is gone. But in reality, memories do not love you back.

You don't know what kind of conversations your parents had - my own Dad told my Mam that it would be okay if she got another boyfriend after he has died. My husband and I have also had similar conversations, God forbid, if something should happen to us. I love my husband and I want him to be happy. I want my children to be happy. If they ever lose me, and (after a suitable amount of time) he finds another lady who can come in and love them then Im not disrespected.

You really do have a lot on your plate right now - maybe tomorrow you could go and pick a friend who is a good listener (not an adviser), who will listen and just go to them and see if they can listen to you just blow off steam and melt and cry and talk uninterrupted about your Dad. You would be surprised how much even 10 minutes of that makes a person feel.

Good luck.

Stella Sch.

Hi December2012,

your text made me think a lot and you are right with many things.

I am actually 30 years old - but I understand how I can seem younger.
I guess I have never really learnt how to talk about my feelings, especially if I feel bad. I keep them locked away from others and play the pokerface, no matter if it relates to grieving, the end of a relationship, or having a bad time at work. I understand that this is not healthy and but I have been like that all my life. I went through a tough time at school during my teens (bullying) and that made me stick even more to myself. I only told my sister about that very recently (she didn't live at home anymore at this time). I guess there is much more on the plate I need to deal with, not just the grieving about my dad. But truth to be told, until a couple of months ago I didn't have the feeling that these things from the past were silently effecting me so much.

And you are making perfectly sense with what you are saying about finding love again. And the last thing I want is my mum to be lonely and sad until the end of days. I want her to be happy.
I think by being confronted of the reality of her having someone new on facebook instead of talking to me about it, I kind of walked against a wall of feelings I had locked away. And I realised that I am not in the emotional state to confront that at my Birthday, at the same place where I would have spent my Birthday with my dad before he died. Unfortunately, my Birthday is on New Year's Eve, so also very close to the date he passed away. Due to work, I was unable to spend the actual Christmas time and my Birthday at home, this is the first year I will be there since he died and I guess this is also adding fuel to the fire.

I talked to a friend today and for the moment it helped, but the urge to bawl my eyes out all the time is still very strong and as I won't be in Ireland for the next weeks, it probably won't make much sense to start talking to someone professional now.

December2012

Well that shows how much of an aul wan I really am! I'm still a good bit older than you so I'm sorry if I was disrespectful guessing your age. To clarify - I didn't think (nor do I now) think you're immature. I feel when my own father died I aged a lot too.

If you don't feel like talking to a professional yet, would you consider a diary or a journal? Just a place for yo to gather your thoughts?

Also if you don't want to get into big deep conversations in the run up to Christmas, make sure you let off some steam that you can about small things - traffic jam, tough day at work, boss being a pain, whatever.......

You don't have to be anybody else's sponge, you can be the one to need TLC for a while

Stella Sch.

You were not disrespectful at all, no worries. :-)

I went to my GP today after work and after a long and intense talk he prescriped me an antidepressant because I won't be here for the next 2 weeks to start proper counselling. I am usually not a fan of taking pills, etc. but I realise that I need something to start with, to pull me out of this black hole I am trapped in. I spent the entire weekend crying and even today at work I couldn't control myself, so I guess having a prescribed medicine isn't the worst thing for a start.

And I started writing things down which bother me.

December2012

Well done for doing something about this situation you are in.

Medication can help (it helped me at times) - and it can help deal with the physical manifestations of the intensity or enormity of what a person is dealing with.

You were very brave to take this step.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I know to a certain extent how you are feeling. I lost my Dad over 10 years ago and within about 18 months my Mam had met someone else. Took me a while to accept it but I did and never said to her that I had felt that way.

For the next few years her new man was the kindest, loving and helpful person and did so much for her.

She passed away a couple of years ago and looking back I am so glad that she had him for the few years in between.

ManOfMystery

OP,

My heart goes out to you, especially at this time of year when the absence of a loved one is all the more noticeable.

People deal with their grief in very different ways and on very different timescales. Your mother - I'm sure - has done her share of grieving and now reached a stage where she wants to have some happiness in her life again, and she seems to have found that.

I think it's very important for you to recognise that this new man is not a replacement for your Dad. No-one will ever, ever replace your Dad. He's not there to fill the hole left in your lives, or to take on the duties and roles your Dad had, or to provide the love and comfort your Dad did. He is a new partner - nothing more, nothing less. Your mother has bonded with him, and they are making each other happy in their own way, but that does not tarnish the life that came before all this and all the memories you and your family have of your Dad. This is simply a new stage in their lives, which doesn't diminish the previous stage.

Obviously none of us know him, but from what you have posted it sounds like he is making an effort to get on well with you. I get the sense that you somehow feel subconsciously that accepting this man into your life is somehow betraying your father and the life before him ....................... but it really isn't. I'm sure your father would want you and your mother to both be happy, and if that means embracing other people as your life moves on, why not?

Wish you all the best.

ShowMeTheCash

Hey OP.

Although I do not know what you are going through my OH had very much a similar scenario although she lost her Mother to Cancer 6 years ago.

Your story is soo familiar, her dad started dating again a few years after which had a fairly significant effect on their relationship for a long time.

As already said by posters try and get your name down for bereavement counselling, the health care system in Ireland is crap so you could be waiting a long time so perhaps maybe go private if you can, my OH after our first child was refered by her GP and that was 4 1/2 years ago and she is still waiting.

I spoke a psychiatrist friend of mine around the subject matter as I wanted to be supportful given the circumstances and my OH too be honest just seemed angry about it all the time. Angry and her Dad, angry at her sisters and brother....

I do not think people really get to the point they no longer miss a loved one but they perhaps do get to the point they can move on.
I think it is important to have someone you can talk to... Someone you can let it all out say exectly how it makes you feel even if how you feel is perhaps unfair to say your mam or sister... I think once it is said it is out then you can perhaps learn to let it go.

Good luck and all the best.