Moral dilemma, should I tell him?

marybyrne1994

Hey guys,

I'll cut to the chase. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. I love him, he's brilliant. Of course we fight but we can always get through it.

I cheated on him two months ago. I was out of my mind drunk, which I know is no excuse but I'm just saying that this was very out of character for me. I kissed a boy Im in college. Not for long, but it was still unacceptable. Then later on that night, I ran into a gay friend and he kissed me, really briefly for about two seconds, just messing around. Needless to say I felt horrible.
I told him about the guy from college. I expected him to be hurt and break up with me then and there but he didn't. He told me that he was mad and hurt but that it wasnt worth ruining our relationship over. I didnt tell him about the other kiss because I didn't think it was worth causing him more pain than necessary. And we've been ok since.

But now I'm feeling just as bad about the other kiss. I can't eat or sleep. At the time I justified it by saying "he's 100% gay so its insignificant" but I think my boyfriend would be hurt by it. Should I tell him now? I think its selfish to tell him after he's just gotten over the other thing, and he told me not to bring it up again. I don't want to reopen the wound for the sake of something that's so stupid. But having had time to think about it, I do feel he has a right to know, and be with someone that will be better to him than I have been. Im well aware that I don't deserve the boy.

I know what I've done is awful but I just want to know how best to make things right and minimise the hurt.
Thanks for your time.

Tokyo

My advice would be to say nothing.

You have already told him about the guy that you kissed, which to me seems to be the actual issue of the night in question. As for the other kiss with your gay friend, from what you say (a) he kissed you, and (b) it sounds like he was doing it for shock value rather than any romantic inclinations. And quite possibly had the earlier kiss not happened, your boyfriend may very well have seen it as I've just described. However the other kiss is certainly going to colour his judgement of it.

I realise that you are trying to do the 'right' thing, but in reality, sometimes you have to ask yourself if you want to tell him what happened in order to put all cards on the table, or do you want to tell him in order to appease your own guilt over the night, and right now, it seems like the latter. The man knows you did something foolish on the night in question, he has been hurt by it, you are remorseful for it, and since then you have both focused on moving forward from it. My advice would be, rather than digging up that night again and rehashing it and causing more hurt just to appease your conscience, instead put it behind you and focus on moving forward as a couple.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

That's just silly. I know it's beside the point but sexuality is fluid, many a kiss or one night stand has happened between odd couples. If you slept with a woman tomorrow that wouldn't make you any less straight. Nobody is 100% Gay or Straight.

Back to the O.P. I have gay male friends and I've been on a few nights out with them. Some gay men (not all!) can get very handsy when they are drunk, precisely because it means nothing they think it's okay squeezing and briefly kissing some of their female acquaintances. A quick word normally puts them in their place but I seriously doubt it meant anything to him and it shouldn't mean anything to you, you just getting carried away. Context is everything and to be honest I would tell your gay friend that you'd like him to refrain from kissing you again and forget about it. You admitted to the one slip up and you've dealt with it together, you've punished yourself enough.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

kristian12

Sounds to me like you are taking the second kiss out of context as you still feel guilty about the first. You said it was done in jest and was fleeting, it is not as if you chewed the face off each other. It was a drunken meaningless exchange between friends.

You would be hurting your boyfriend needlessly simply to ease your conscience, there was a time to tell him that has now passed. I'm afraid my opinion is you have to suffer your guilt in silence as telling him now would help you but not him or your relationship and he doesn't deserve that.

LegacyUser

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I've kissed plenty of my male gay friends (and a few female ones) including one in full drag on stag in front of my husband and it did t mean anything beyond having a bit of a laugh. We mess around all the time which is what the op says in her post they were doing. Op I think your over thinking this because of the earlier kiss. Ask yourself if the other kiss hadn't happened and you went out with your gay friend and kissed like you did would you be obsessing about it to the degree you are now?

GoldFour4

Word of advice OP. Your username is (I'm guessing) your name. You never no who could be reading these threads. I'd ask a mod to delete it if I were you. You don't want him to find out by reading it online.

lillylouxx

Forget about it.
You seem like a good person, you know you have made a mistake, you owned up and kisses are so small, you didn't do anything ridiculously wrong. Yes it was wrong but not to the extent of your guilt. We all make mistakes nobody is perfect. I hope your guilt eases and you can move on with what seems like a very happy relationship:)

whiskeyman

As others have said, forget about it and dont tell him.
However, don't just brush it off as 'just a drunken kiss', and it seems you aren't anyway.
You know you're in the wrong and I hope you want your relationship to last.
This has probably thought you a lesson how fragile a relationship can be and don't take it for granted.

OnTheCouch

Yeah I wouldn't worry about it overly. You clearly made a mistake and went past the boundaries of what is acceptable, but to your credit you came clean about one of the kisses at least and your boyfriend forgave you. Case closed as far as I'd be concerned anyway.

Re the second one, yeah I probably wouldn't normally advocate this myself and I'd be quite upset if I found out my girfriend had done the same, but it might just be easier to keep quiet about it. We all make mistakes and you've owned up to one of yours, should you tell your boyfriend you have done the same thing again, he may not be as forgiving if he thinks a pattern is emerging.

Plus nothing 'really' serious happened, I mean yes, it wasn't good, but you didn't sleep with him at least. Mind you, I know the definition of what implies serious cheating let's say can be quite blurred, I'd be of the opinion myself that sleeping with someone is a lot worse than just kissing them, but I know others who think they are just as bad as each other. So yeah, I'd personally keep quiet, but it is a tricky one.