How to accept this situation?

LegacyUser

I am looking for some advice re: my sister. She is younger than me, married with one daughter. Thankfully she doesn't live in the same county as where we grew up although I still do with my husband and parents are nearby too.

Anyway, I love Christmas but in the last few years she has started to make me dread it. She stated a few years ago that they 'weren't doing presents' and would buy just for our parents. I have absolutely no problem with this, each to their own even though they both have very well-paying jobs. However, last year they didn't bother getting my parents anything, just said nothing and thought no-one would notice. This really p*ssed me off. The worse thing about all this (and the point of my whole post, I guess) is that they INSIST on us giving their daughter both birthday and Christmas presents, like they would actually fall out with you if you didn't. They won't give our other brother's kids presents but they expect him to give their daughter something.

They have even blatantly text me telling when's convenient to get things sent to the house for their daughter or asking (me?!) where my parents present is. I am so so sooooo angry with the pair of them and I am really trying not to fall out with them over this pettiness but it's hard.

I am due to see them this weekend and have presents to bring them from my parents and from me and my husband and am fully expecting to leave empty-handed (for my parents I mean and they will not see my sister before Christmas).

They are so greedy on one hand and yet so selfish on the other. The thing is as well that I am heavily pregnant with my first child and trying not to stress myself out over this. I am never going to change them so my question is...how do I accept they are like this and genuinely get it to stop bothering me??? I am definitely saying to them 'no more presents' after this Christmas but I am hurt on behalf of my parents that their child who they make so much effort for is a selfish *****. (P.S. They make sure to shower the husband's parents with gifts)

Help for my own peace of mind

IvoryTower

I would buy them nothing.

Chucky the tree

Why haven't you called them out on it already? To be perfectly blunt you need to grow a pair and confront your sister.

Okay so the issues are

- they didn't get a present for your parents. I would ignore this one and let your parents deal with it tbh. It's not your responsibility. If they wanted to stop giving her stuff they can decide that themselves and deal with any fall out. Maybe they don't want the hassle.

- they expect presents from you while they don't give presents to another sibling's child. I think I would mention I'm not happy with this but it's your sibling here not you, so it's their fight if they have an issue with it

- they demand presents from their parents and text YOU to ask where they are? Do I have that right? I would reply something along the lines of "whereever you left your present to them, I suppose" and tell them when it's convenient to drop their presents to your parents!!

To be honest it's horrible behaviour and infuriating and selfish but most of this isn't your fight and with your child on the way it's probably time to step back from it and not get involved. At most it might be worth a once off conversation saying you have a problem with it.
If they won't get you presents, don't get them any. Their child isn't really responsible for it so keep getting them for her if you want.

CaraMay

I'm more infuriated with you op than her because you won't stand up for yourself. She has no manners but I'm baffled as to why you are dancing to her tune. It's none of your business what she gives to your parents but you are responsible for capitulating to her demands from you. You are teaching her how to treat you.

bjork

Give presents (or not) if you are happy to and not on the basis that you will receive something back.

The other issues are between your parents, her and your siblings. Stay well clear.

How to stop it bothering you? Stop thinking about it.

jopax

I think I would just buy their daughter a present, its not her fault her parents are mean.

However when you have your baby and if your child gets nothing off her, then I would just say plain and simple that you won't be buying for her child anymore.

Beyond that try not to leave her pettiness get to you. Just choose to accept that it is part of her and will probably get worse as she gets older.

I have similar experience of this meaness, so I do understand your frustration but now I just concentrate on what's important in life.

Mind yourself and baby and leave scrooge to her own devices.

zoobizoo

Do Kris Kindle for the kids so that each kid only gets one present but all parents / uncles and aunts contribute equally.

We do that in our family. Works out really well.

ewinslet

How is this question even here? Your sister is a greedy bitch, that's obvious for all to see. But why the hell are you putting up with her behaviour? Are you a complete and utter walkover?

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LynnGrace

Easier said than done, I know, but just try to step back from it. Put yourself first now, as I assume your baby is due fairly soon. I know it is upsetting for you, to see them being mean to your parents, but I guess your parents have accepted that is what they are like, and they are not going to change.
In relation to giving presents to their child, I'd ignore what they expect or demand, and decide if you want to give something to the child, for the child's sake. If yes, do that, even if they never reciprocate.
If you decide no, then don't, and if asked, just say (incredulously), 'oh I thought we weren't DOING presents' .
In terms of them falling out with you, or your brother for not giving gifts, you really have to make yourself indifferent to that. I haven't been in a situation where someone demanded gifts off me, for a niece or nephew, but if I had decided (for whatever reason) that I wasn't doing it, that would be my decision, and they could like it or lump it.

thefeatheredcat

Have you ever talked with your parents or your brother about the situation? Perhaps they can give you perspective or insight into it and help you understand it.
Have your parents taken offence? Are you fully versed in your sister's finances to be sure they are in well paid jobs and are as a result well off? Or perhaps it's an assumption, a perception and perhaps have been told by your parents to focus on their finances and their child? Same for your brother.
If you don't wish to give gifts, that's fine. Giving gifts is about doing something without the expectation of anything back. When it comes to children you of course will want everyone to want to give them something at birthdays and christmas and not to be forgotten about or left out. I think it's perfectly fine to express that you will not be getting your sister and brother in law anything, after all you are starting your own family and will need to focus your finances on providing for your child, but it would be unfair to punish your niece by suddenly not giving her a present for birthdays and christmas. She will be hurt and unless you can provide a reasonable explanation to her that she will understand then her parents will find one, even one that might paint you as selfish. She should not be used as a means to get at your sister.

I think the only way of accepting how she is is perhaps getting more insight in casually talking about it with your parents and brother to see if there's something you might be missing and just accept that's how they are - even if it is purely selfishness on their part - and accept that you are not like that and will not be pushed by their behaviour to stoop to behaving similarly.

Minderbinder

what's your sister like day to day and what's your relationship like in general? is there much contact between you? i feel she must have some redeeming qualities for someone to put up with this. does she support your parents or anything financially? if things are really as simple as you've stated then you should cut them out of your life. they say you can't choose your family but actually you can.

Riskymove

tbh this is a common thing OP

My own siblings all came up with this great "only buy for the kids" approach fairly early on. Except I don't have kids!

Now while I would always have gotten pressies for my nieces and nephews anyway it does annoy me that they make no gesture at all to me, however symbolic, at Christmas! It just seems like a cop out

I note some people saying "don't expect pressies back" but that's not really the issue... it's the ability to come up with an approach whereby one person is in a different situation to everyone else but as it saves them effort its acceptable.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, thanks for your replies. I'll just state first of all that I HAVE spoken to my sister about this but nothing changes. Two years ago, I thought a solution to the whole thing would be for the three of us to go in on a present for our parents to which she agreed. When I asked her for her share of the money she called me 'a scab' and laughed at me and didn't give me any. She has a managerial job and money is no object for them, believe me I know this for a fact.

I disagree that I'm a pushover for buying my niece a present because, as other posters have pointed out, why should a young child be punished for her parents meanness.

I'm also intending on having another chat with her this weekend, just the two of us. One of the problems is that her husband never leaves her side and jumps down my throat at anything I say to her. And believe me, I have no problem in pulling her up on things, it's just this issue is one where I didn't know if I was making a big deal over nothing hence why I posted looking for advice.

The poster who advised me to just stop thinking about it is so right. I know she's never going to change so I just have to let it go. Thanks to you all.

LegacyUser

Buy a gift for your niece and leave it at that.

Don't bring presents from anyone else. If she expects presents from your brother/parents etc etc let them sort it amongst themsevles. Her demanding gifts for her child from your brother and not getting gifts for your brothers kids is an issues to be sorted between them, stay out of it. Your parents getting them gifts and not getting anything in return, again not your issue, I know it's hard when it's your parents but seriously just stay out of it it's not worth stressing yourself. Don't get her or the husband gifts, don't ask her to contribute to joint presents again….seriously do nothing expect getting your niece a gift.

You can try talking to her but sounds like her and husband will gang up on you. You can forcing the issue by having everyone get together to exchange gifts and shame them when they've got nothing but at the end of the day OP do you need the stress? Get your niece a gift, she's not the one at fault and let the others sort themselves.

jopax

can't log in wrote: »

Buy a gift for your niece and leave it at that.

Don't bring presents from anyone else. If she expects presents from your brother/parents etc etc let them sort it amongst themsevles. Her demanding gifts for her child from your brother and not getting gifts for your brothers kids is an issues to be sorted between them, stay out of it. Your parents getting them gifts and not getting anything in return, again not your issue, I know it's hard when it's your parents but seriously just stay out of it it's not worth stressing yourself. Don't get her or the husband gifts, don't ask her to contribute to joint presents again….seriously do nothing expect getting your niece a gift.

You can try talking to her but sounds like her and husband will gang up on you. You can forcing the issue by having everyone get together to exchange gifts and shame them when they've got nothing but at the end of the day OP do you need the stress? Get your niece a gift, she's not the one at fault and let the others sort themselves.

Couldn't agree more with the above post. Just to add, don't bother trying to discuss this with her as you will only end up upsetting yourself over Xmas, and you have your pregnancy to think about

From what she sounds like she just looks after no 1, so she is not going to listen to your point of view anyway.

Its not a battle worth fighting, just mind yourself now.

whatdoicare

Op, if I was you Id, like others here said, leave the issues with yr folks and brother to them to deal with. You don't need that stress.

What I would do is buy for yr niece this year and then pay attention to see if they buy anything for yr baby when he/she is born. If they turn up empty handed then it can be safe to say they think theyll be getting the same deal from you as the brother. Nip that in the bud quick as you can and don't even bring it up with them.

If the sister does her usual and demands presents just say, oh, sure, ill give it to you when you drop over new baby's Christmas present! Leave it on them! Either they come up with a present to get theirs or they cop on and leave it.

Don't whatever you do keep buying for yr niece if they aren't buying for yours! That would be insanity!

Big Bag of Chips

I think you try accept it by realising you are getting offended on someone else's behalf. Your brother and your parents are big enough to sort out their own dealings with her. Your parents might still want to buy her a present even if they don't get one. I know my parents constantly tell us "don't be buying us anything"... Do your parents say similar? Does your sister take them at their word?

I wouldn't go out of my way to collect or drop off presents. But if you are in your parents' house, and are due to visit your sister then I wouldn't NOT deliver something just out of principle. Accept your sister for the person she is. You don't have to like what she does our approve of her carry on, but you can't change it either. So just shrug it off and get on with doing your own thing.

LegacyUser

Op why are you being the delivery person for your parents and your other sibling? Is she not going to visit them over Christmas. If she wants presents let her visit her siblings and get them herself.
Get a small gift for your niece and leave it at that, if she asks about pressies from others you could play dumb and say I thought we weren't doing presents this year or let your parents go down to her. Stop being a doormat.

ShowMeTheCash

I am a little confused by the original post as there is a lot in it and not a lot in it at the same time..

Removing the issue with your folks and your brother. (Really not your problem)

Your sister told you they are not doing presents anymore with siblings?

So that leaves the kids, your niece.

Do you have kids? You don't mention any...

So really you are annoied that you need to buy your niece a present and as you do not have kids they get you nothing?

Or you do have kids and they do not buy your kids a present in return?

LegacyUser

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

So that leaves the kids, your niece.

Do you have kids? You don't mention any...

The OP stated she is currently pregnant with first child. She stated the sister doesn't buy gifts for the brothers kids but expects present bought for her kid so I would assume she thinks the sister will expect the same from her when her kids comes along.

I stand by my earlier post, buy a gift for your niece (I'm leaning towards books or book tokens) and leave it at that.

ShowMeTheCash

can't log in wrote: »

The OP stated she is currently pregnant with first child. She stated the sister doesn't buy gifts for the brothers kids but expects present bought for her kid so I would assume she thinks the sister will expect the same from her when her kids comes along.

I stand by my earlier post, buy a gift for your niece (I'm leaning towards books or book tokens) and leave it at that.

I missed the bit of being heavily pregnant.

In which case, I see no issue here, her relationship with the brother and parents is really none of her business.

There is no point getting worked up over what might happen next year with her own child, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Shrap

I'm with other posters here OP - buy your niece a pressie and leave them out of it. I do that with my niece, in spite of my bro and sis-in-law not always remembering my kids. My relationship with my niece is my own, and will stand the test of time because we have one, and it's based on me trying to figure out what she's into these days and taking an interest. Between my boys and my bro/s.i.l.? Not so much.

Anyhow, as for their wondering where their present is at - Well, I'd have a field day. "Your WHAT?! Your present?! Are you getting one of those? Well, if you find out where it is, let me know eh? I'm only dying to see what they got you in return for what you got them last year.....what was it again...I know it was really funny....oh wait, yeah....NOTHING.

Obviously, that's childish. But you don't have to answer her crappy, entitled questions OP. You're not her mother. And her mother doesn't have to answer them either. Saying nothing sometimes speaks louder than words anyway....