My sister is taking drugs- can i stop it?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm currently kind of freaking out about this more than usual so I'm sorry if I write a whole load to get my feelings out! So...

About a year ago my younger sister (she's 18) started hanging around with a new group of friends. Girls who I immediately judged to be no good or a bad influence or whatever, without having even met them. I know I'm a judgmental person and that's a huge flaw but it doesn't stop me half the time. So understandably, my sister and I had quite a few rows over this and ultimately it pushed her away from me and closer to them. I know this is my fault and I probably should have kept my thoughts to myself and let her be.

Anyway, fast forward a few months and I'm worried sick most nights because she stays out until all hours and has become more and more distant, staying in random people's houses for days at a time and hardly speaking to me or the rest of the family. My parents had no issue with any of this- they say she's a legal adult and there's absolutely nothing they can do about any behavior she exhibits- this is repeated no matter what happens.

But because I'm a really overprotective sister and someone who worries about anything and everything...one evening I checked her phone. I don't remember the situation exactly but basically I snapped and wanted to know what was going on in her life. I've never done this before. Found out from this that she was smoking weed, both out with her friends and in her bedroom. She was getting it from/with her friends. I'm someone who never really had an issue with weed/wouldn't really care if it was legalized and thought of it as something no worse than alcohol, though I've never tried it myself. But upon finding out that my "baby sister" was smoking it I felt absolutely sick. It was like it suddenly became the most evil substance in the world to me and I went straight to my parents again and told them about the proof I found. They seemed to actually take notice for once and decided to talk to her about it. They confronted her, she said sorry and that she'd never do it again. They said that's grand.

She's unemployed so they then continued to hand her money for "drinks" whenever she asked and her life carried on as normal.

Now it's about 3 months since then and though I thought her facing zero repercussions was wrong, I did believe she was sincere about not smoking it anymore. As well as normal cigarettes which she had also taken up.

However my overbearing need to always be checking on her got the better of me again tonight and having found her phone unattended I'm ashamed to say I checked it again. I know this is a horrible thing but I just needed to know she had stopped. What I found out is that she has moved on and now does cocaine, as well as continuing smoking weed.

I'm devastated that she does this to herself and that she can lie to her family so easily, so convincingly.
She steals money from around the house to pay for it and it seems that times she was innocently popping out to the shop to buy something, she was actually arranging to meet somebody to buy weed/coke. I can't believe anything she says anymore.

I feel so so trapped on this issue because things have obviously escalated and this is serious now- I'm terrified of the effects it could have on her. I feel that if I tell my parents they will give their same usual response- "what are we supposed to do about it? lock her in her room?"

Confronting my sister could be explosive- she really gets furious when I question her choice of friends and all I ever seem to do is drive her away. It also means she will hate me even more for invading her privacy again. She struggles with depression and I feel like she takes them for escapism. This also means that when I tell on her to my parents or end up in arguments with her I start to feel scared that I'm putting her in a bad place or making her spiral.

Do you think I'm overreacting? Is there really nothing I can do here?
If I'm a psycho for how I baby her or I sound really harsh and judgmental I'm willing to hear it too, honestly just any kind of outside perspective on this situation would help.
Thanks to anyone who's read this far!

Eric Cartman

up until the bit about her stealing money from the house to pay for it , I would have told you to calm down, she can do what she wants and its perfectly normal for an 18 year old to be experimenting with drugs.

however , if shes stealing from her family to fund a habbit, then this has moved from recreational experimentation into a destructive habbit. I would probably talk to your parents about it and suggest that they bring her to see a councillor about it.

Approaching it as a bad thing will drive her further away. the biggest issue to be resolved here is the stealing. I wouldnt worry too much about her smoking a bit of weed.

StormWarrior

As far as the stealing goes, that needs to stop. Have a discussion with the family about what to do about that. As far as the drugs go, you are seriously overreacting. Almost everyone I know tried illegal substances in their youth, it is hardly unusual. If you make a big scene about it, what do you think will happen? She's not going to stop just because you don't like it. She'll just become more secretive around you.

When I was 16, my mum found me and my friends off our faces on ecstasy. She started crying and made a huge scene. It was intensely embarrassing and of course I told her I'd never do it again. But in reality I carried on and moved on to other things like magic mushrooms and acid. I just made very very sure not to get caught ever again. By the age of 21 or 22 I was bored with drugs and stopped doing them. By making a scene and intruding on your sister's privacy you'll just make her withdraw from you and not share things with you. Also you'll have to admit to reading her private messages which makes you just as dishonest as she is when stealing. Btw, how do you even know she's stealing? Are you sure? Don't accuse her of that unless you have hard evidence. And who are you to question her choice of friends? Would you want people sticking their noses in your business like this?

Instead of telling her off and harassing her and trying to get her into trouble, if you think she needs escapism, why not try something else like inviting her out with you and your friends more often? Although if you make this much of a big deal over something that is quite common, I don't imagine you'd be much fun to hang out with so maybe she wouldn't want to go. In all honesty I think you should just butt out and mind your own business. I'm not surprised she's furious with you and I wouldn't want a sister like you. You snoop through her phone, spy on her, tell your parents on her and constantly try and get her in trouble with them, you harass her about things which are absolutely nothing to do with you. She probably needs escapism after all that, you're probably making drugs seem even more appealing. The fact that you are so obsessed with this and bothered by your sister's friends even before meeting them suggests to me that maybe you might have some kind of mental problem, I don't mean that in a rude way but maybe you should look into getting some help because your behaviour is not normal. Even her own parents can see it's not a big deal and aren't worried so why should her sister be so obsessed by her behaviour? Could there be an element of jealousy on your part? You seem like you can't bear the thought of your sister having friends and fun, and you're always trying to get her in trouble. How is your own life?

bjork

You checking her phone and reporting back what you found to get your sister in trouble, only your parents realise she is an adult but this wasn't good enough for you, is terrible.

Yes you are overbearing. Get on with your own life and stop constantly looking at what your little sister is doing.

It's none of your business if your parents give her money - that is between her parents and your sister. If she is stealing, that is an issue that needs to be addressed.

jopax

The basic answer to your question is no, you can't stop her taking drugs.
In fairness to you, it is concern for her welfare so I wouldn't feel bad about caring.
I do think your anxiety level is very high considering she is a sibling not your daughter.
Maybe try to work on your friendship with your sister, maybe go shopping or to the cinema, try to make a habit of doing things together.
I think if you can establish a trust between yee it will help that if she needed to talk she could turn to you instead of her friends.
You will have to try back off a not as you will drive yourself insane even though its well intentioned.
At the end of the day your parents are there & should be worrying not you.
Just try to be a confidant to her, you might get further that way.
Best of luck with it.

retro:electro

I get that you're concerned about her but in all honesty checking her phone and then telling mammy and daddy on her isn't the way to go about this at all. If someone did this to me I would be furious and would result in me closing myself off from that person not opening up. Instead of running off to your parents everytime why don't you sit her down and talk to her about your concerns. Has anyone ever actually done this with her? From your post it doesn't seem like it. You don't have to say you checked her phone again as this would more than likely only annoy her. Just say you've reason to believe she's using again and go from there. Be approachable and make it known that you're there for her.

pwurple

Hmm. Well, when we were teenagers, my parents had a friend take us up to the mental hospital for a look at the patients (semi-vegetables) who had brain-damaged themselves with recreational drugs. That was fairly motivational. But, I'm guessing it's too late for that, and there's no way she would go with you anyway.

Honestly, I don't think you can do much, except tell her you care about her, and leave it at that.

Hopefully it's a silly phase she will grow out of.

Rubberchikken

instead of shopping her to your parents build up a friendship with her. these so-called friends may not always be around, and if or when she needs support, they are the very type to scurry back into the woodwork.

encoutage your parents to be more careful with their money. it's not fair that she's stealing from her family but that's what drugs seem to do to people, irrespective of the type they use.

after all that, you have to back off a bit.
maybe it's a one day wonder, and she'll see sense in time, but arguing with her on a regular basis won't suddenly make her stop.

it has to be very difficult to watch a family member go down this road but somethings just can't be fixed, we have to wait for them to realise what they are doing and want to stop themselves.

good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I know I'm seriously anxious and I was always telling myself I was overreacting and paranoid at the start when she was just smoking weed. It's just the coke that's made me want to do more because obviously that's kinda serious...

I'll try just build a better relationship with her instead and hope she cops on.

StormWarrior wrote: »

Even her own parents can see it's not a big deal and aren't worried so why should her sister be so obsessed by her behaviour? Could there be an element of jealousy on your part? You seem like you can't bear the thought of your sister having friends and fun, and you're always trying to get her in trouble. How is your own life?

Eh, I'm fine with her having "friends and fun", I just don't like the thought of her snorting up crap mixed with god knows what and potentially ending up in hospital/in trouble with the law because of it. Is the general concern and constant campaigns of deterrence surrounding drug use all for no reason?

jopax

worried-sister wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I know I'm seriously anxious and I was always telling myself I was overreacting and paranoid at the start when she was just smoking weed. It's just the coke that's made me want to do more because obviously that's kinda serious...

I'll try just build a better relationship with her instead and hope she cops on.



Eh, I'm fine with her having "friends and fun", I just don't like the thought of her snorting up crap mixed with god knows what and potentially ending up in hospital/in trouble with the law because of it. Is the general concern and constant campaigns of deterrence surrounding drug use all for no reason?

Yes you are right to be concerned, it just shows that you do care.
There is nothing wrong with that.

Oryx

You know her better than we do, so your concern is probably justified to a degree. You know what is out of character, or out of control for her.

But you can't stop her if she doesn't want to. You can talk, advise, and stay close to her, and by that maybe help her, but any attempt to change her will only push her away. So be there for her without supporting her choices, call her out on the stealing, for instance. If things do go wrong, that's when family ties will be really needed and if you have stayed in her life you will be in a position to help.

cynicalcough

I think you're overinvolved and indicates a level of dissatisfaction with your own life.

I understand you're worried but to be honest I did plenty of drugs when I was younger. Most of my friends were the same, it was a phase and we all grew out of it.

I would suggest you take a step back and focus on your own life and interests to get some healthier boundaries.

Mr. Incognito

I think you need to be her sister and leave the parenting to your parents.

Maybe if you got out and focused on doing your own thing besides monitoring what your sister did it would do everyone the world of good.

People are SUPPOSED to make mistakes at 18. It's important that they do so that they can LEARN from them and become mature adults.

You need to back the heck off.

Chucky the tree

worried-sister wrote: »

Is the general concern and constant campaigns of deterrence surrounding drug use all for no reason?

There's a reason but it's also a complete pointless way of trying to deter people. If people want to take drugs they will take them, it doesn't matter if your parents/sister/friends/randomer on TV say no people will still take them. You need to realise this and figure out what's the best way to help keep your sister safe if you know she's taking drugs.

CaraMay

I'm so shocked and disgusted with the number if people on here saying 'let her at it'. The girl is obviously in trouble if she is stealing to do drugs and telling her sister to do nothing and to let her off is simply negligence. You will note op that it's the people who have drugs in their lives who are telling you to do this.

Get advice from your local drugs support group on how up handle this. Do nothing and she can die.

MaroonAndGreen

The facts are that drugs dont = death. The media etc might want you to believe otherwise but thats not the case. Taking too much may equal to death, but that applies with anything whether its alcohol, cocaine, chocolate, salt or water.

As long as shes not sniffing lines of coke when she should be at work I wouldnt say she has a problem, if its just recreational use then mind your own business OP.

CaraMay

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

The facts are that drugs dont = death. The media etc might want you to believe otherwise but thats not the case. Taking too much may equal to death, but that applies with anything whether its alcohol, cocaine, chocolate, salt or water.

As long as shes not sniffing lines of coke when she should be at work I wouldnt say she has a problem, if its just recreational use then mind your own business OP.

Drugs don't equal death?!?!? I have first hand ecoerience of the fact that they do and the person was highly functioning and showed no obvious / immediate signs of an addiction.

Don't pedal this rubbish that drugs don't kill. Such waffle comparing too much water to overdosing on drugs. That attitude is negligent and not offering the op good advice

MaroonAndGreen

CaraMay wrote: »

Drugs don't equal death?!?!? I have first hand ecoerience of the fact that they do and the person was highly functioning and showed no obvious / immediate signs of an addiction.

Don't pedal this rubbish that drugs don't kill. Such waffle comparing too much water to overdosing on drugs. That attitude is negligent and not offering the op good advice

I said too much drugs kill. I have first hand experience that drinking and people eating too much and getting obese kills.

And it is offering advice, the advice is her sister is old enough to try drugs if she likes and that if she keeps interfering then im afraid the only thing that will happen is straining her relationship with her sister and causing her parents unneccessary pain. Lets be honest here her sister isnt a drug addict, she takes cocaine and cannabis on occassion, shes not injecting heroin or smoking crack.

StormWarrior

CaraMay wrote: »

Drugs don't equal death?!?!? I have first hand ecoerience of the fact that they do and the person was highly functioning and showed no obvious / immediate signs of an addiction.

Don't pedal this rubbish that drugs don't kill. Such waffle comparing too much water to overdosing on drugs. That attitude is negligent and not offering the op good advice

Far, far more people are killed through addiction to junk food, alcohol and smoking than drugs.

However, that's not the point. The point is this - there is NOTHING the OP can do about it, unless she wants to shop her sister to the police and I seriously doubt that they would be at all interested in wasting time and money on investigating a girl for using cocaine and cannabis once in a while. She has made her feelings clear to her sister and her sister has made clear that she is not interested in hearing it. End of discussion. There is nothing more to be said or done, except put a lock on her bedroom door if the sister really is stealing from her. However I doubt she is as the OP seems like a total drama queen and has offered no actual evidence that she is stealing.

Look at it this way - do people ever respond well to being nagged about their habits? If you nag a smoker about quitting or a fat person about losing weight, do they say "Oh alright then I'll stop"? Generally, no. The OP has moved beyond concern into nagging.

MaroonAndGreen

I dont think telling someone to stop using drugs will ever work. They need to come to their own end with drugs, whether that is through a bad experience or just losing interest in them.

I am convinced that no matter what you or your parents say to her, it will not stop her.

beertons

Where is she steeling the money from? If she had no access to it, no weed or coke. Stop the source.

liquoriceall

My main issue with drugs is the terrible impact on mental health it terrifies me to be honest and thats from someone who has seen it happen more than once. The link is there and proved. Im not sure what you can do? Your parents seem very unfazed by it? Maybe speak to your GP for guidance?

cynicalcough

CaraMay wrote: »

Drugs don't equal death?!?!? I have first hand ecoerience of the fact that they do and the person was highly functioning and showed no obvious / immediate signs of an addiction.

Don't pedal this rubbish that drugs don't kill. Such waffle comparing too much water to overdosing on drugs. That attitude is negligent and not offering the op good advice

You sound as hysterical as the op.

I understand that addiction is incredibly serious, I have personal experience and I work with recovering addicts.

BUT there is as big a difference between recreational drug use and addiction as there is between having a few pints at the christmas party and alcoholism.

OP my advice to you is step out of this, let her live her life and make the mistakes we all make as a teenager and be there for her if she comes to you for help.

bjork

worried-sister wrote: »

.....
However my overbearing need to always be checking on her got the better of me again ....!

Have you ever thought to see a Councillor about this and why you have this "over bearing need to check". it sounds intense

You can't control your sister, she is an adult, but you can control your own actions.

pragmatic1

OP you cannot control other people. Once someone has reached adulthood, they will do as they please one way or another. Her decisions might not rest well with you, but it's her life. Until you accept that fact you will continue to be miserable.

Maybe look in the mirror and try and fix yourself a bit.

Koptain Liverpool

OP - you sound way too involved in your sisters life for it to be healthy. I think you are the one that needs to seek some help.

Plenty of teenagers experiment with drugs and its mostly harmless. Coke is a nasty drug however and certainly more addictive than others in the long run. However the large majority of people who have tried it don´t get addicted unlike tobacco for example. All you can do is advise your sister without interfering. You have to let her live her own life.

LucidLife

I'm amazed to see the OP never brought the 'evidence' to the gardai. You looking through her phone is dispicable. You are pushing your sister further away from your family with your actions.

If you ever relocated to one of the worlds big cities you would see how important drugs are to society.

The worlds drug trade could be halted overnight if governments wanted that. Marijuana is not man made and will always be here the same as it always has been and cocaine was an ingredient in coca cola for more than 40 years... its relatively normal.

The reasons you don't smoke weed or take coke are not as good as the reasons she does.

LegacyUser

Some incredibly irresponsible advice on this thread, which is making me uncomfortable.

Drugs are NOT safe and NOT a 'normal part of growing up'. Stop peddling that claptrap. I personally knew two different people who collapsed and died as a result of recreational drug use in the past year. Both healthy young 'normal' people with normal lives, just trying to have a good time. One took a dodgy ecstasy pill and the other accidentally overdosed on MDMA. I myself am currently receiving counselling due to a depression/anxiety disorder which was almost certainly made worse by smoking marijuana for several years.

No, alcohol is not totally safe either, especially when drunk to excess, but at least you know what's in it. With illegal drugs you haven't a notion what you're taking and where it comes from.

I'm not sure OP can stop her sister, but for Christ's sake, stop making her feel horrible for being concerned. How would she feel if the sister collapsed and died after doing a bit too much coke (oh, it couldn't happen, could it? Remember Katy French?) and she'd done absolutely nothing to try to stop it?

Meauldsegosha

worried-sister wrote: »

She steals money from around the house to pay for it and it seems that times she was innocently popping out to the shop to buy something, she was actually arranging to meet somebody to buy weed/coke. I can't believe anything she says anymore.

Contrary to what some are saying I don't believe the OP's sister is experimenting or a recreational user. The fact that she is stealing to pay for her habit means she is not in control and has an addition to cannabis/cocaine. OP you should speak to your parents about this and they should confront your sister about the theft of money and, ultimately, her addition.

CaraMay

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Contrary to what some are saying I don't believe the OP's sister is experimenting or a recreational user. The fact that she is stealing to pay for her habit means she is not in control and has an addition to cannabis/cocaine. OP you should speak to your parents about this and they should confront your sister about the theft of money and, ultimately, her addition.

Exactly. When you are stealing to buy drugs you are not a recreational user. I had a long, personal response typed and deleted it as the pro drugs poster were just not seeing anything other than their own views. Obviously if you have been using drugs yourself you won't see anything wrong with it. I find it very shocking the way the op is being attacked for wanting to intervene.

Koptain Liverpool

CaraMay wrote: »

I find it very shocking the way the op is being attacked for wanting to intervene.

In fairness much of the criticism directed at the OP has to do with her taking upon herself to invade her sisters privacy by searching through her phone messages etc.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, your sister may be stealing to "feed a habit" or she may be stealing just to have money to go out at the weekend and do what her friends are doing. She could just as easily be stealing to buy cigarettes.

Not ideal either.

I think your need to "protect" her has led to you destroying any trust that might have been between you. Regardless of what you try to do now your sister will not be interested. I'd guess the dynamic of your relationship for as long as she remembers has been you telling her what to do. Or running and telling on her if you saw her doing something she shouldn't.

She will not open up to you. She will not talk to you. She will never see you as a confidant. You have burnt that bridge.

You can't stop her taking drugs. You can't bring it up with her without her knowing that you've gone through her phone again. All you can do is tell your parents what you know and let them deal with it. You are not her mother. She does not respect you or your opinion of her. You are in no position to approach her about this.

All you can do now is admit you invaded her privacy again, and tell.

StormWarrior

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

The fact that she is stealing to pay for her habit means she is not in control and has an addition to cannabis/cocaine.

CaraMay wrote: »

Exactly. When you are stealing to buy drugs you are not a recreational user.

Once again, the OP has offered f*** all evidence to support the claim that her sister is stealing. What is missing from the house, and where is the evidence that the sister has taken it? And even if she had stolen something, how do we know it was to pay for drugs? It's nothing but conjecture, it's not even enough to be classed as circumstantial evidence. It's no evidence at all.

On top of all the tattling and snooping, the OP is accusing her sister of being a thief, quite a serious charge, and one it seems she has fabricated to make her sister's drug-taking seem more serious than it really is.

Let's not forget that the OP says her parents hand the sister money every time she asks for it. So, why would she need to steal?

Meauldsegosha

StormWarrior wrote: »

Once again, the OP has offered f*** all evidence to support the claim that her sister is stealing.

This is an advice forum not a court of law. The premise is that advice is given based on what the OP writes.

StormWarrior wrote: »

... one it seems she has fabricated to make her sister's drug-taking seem more serious than it really is.

Calling the OP a liar is really very weak. And to use language you understand what evidence do you have that the OP is lying?

GarIT

To be honest I think that somebody that checks their sisters phone is much more in need of help than somebody doing drugs.

You've said that you sister is distant, and then you made it clear why. I think she needs support rather than hate and extreme disrespect. I think you should see a counselor to talk about your issues and hopefully they can help you.

As for the drugs you shouldn't try to do anything until you have sorted yourself out enough to help. If I had such an evil family I'd probably be driven to drugs too, so as long as you're still like this you can't be the support that she needs.

She needs protecting from you much more than the drugs, your parents should have asked you to leave the house, it is disappointing that they are not trying to protect her. You should consider distancing yourself from her until you can get help.

StormWarrior

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

StormWarrior wrote: »

Once again, the OP has offered f*** all evidence to support the claim that her sister is stealing.

This is an advice forum not a court of law. The premise is that advice is given based on what the OP writes.



Calling the OP a liar is really very weak. And to use language you understand what evidence do you have that the OP is lying?

The fact that the OP has refused to respond to what I've said speaks volumes. Why not come back here and say something like "I had 50 euros in my purse and then it was gone?" or tell us whatever else had gone? The fact that she says her parents give the girl money whenever she wants it, so there is no need for her to steal. The fact that the whole post smacks of exaggeration of her sister's behaviour. Yes this is an advice forum and the advice that the OP really needs is that she needs to check her own behaviour, including exaggerating what her sister is doing, and most of all, not to accuse her sister of something as serious and dishonest as stealing unless she is sure it's happening. She has already pushed her sister away with the snooping and tattling, imagine being falsely accused of theft on top of that. It could be the final straw that leads to her sister not talking to her again.

Taltos

Mod Note:

StormWarrior - please don't post on this thread again.
The OP does not have to prove anything to you or anyone here.
They are here seeking advice, not judgement.

RedemptionZ

Having been in your sisters position, stealing money for drugs etc. the way you are reacting is the same way my mother did, and while it may be out of concern it's very counter productive and ruins relationships. I really wish my mother had made an effort to change the way she dealt with it as the consequences are long term so don't make the same mistakes.

Furthermore regarding the stealing, it's wrong obviously but it doesn't necessarily mean she needs to steal to fund the habit and has a cocaine addiction. I used to take money for food too because I didn't want to eat with my family as I didn't get on with my mother. I didn't see it as stealing because I saw the money I was taking as belonging to the family as a whole and as a member of the family it wasn't really stealing. This is flawed logic but that was my thinking at the time, it's possible she sees it the same way. It still needs to be stopped though. But it's better to explain why she can't steal as opposed to say 'you're stealing to buy drugs you're clearly a coke head'


And there's always underlying issues around drug abuse. You can't stop her from taking drugs. But you can help or encourage her to resolve the issues underneath. If she does that then she'll actually want to get off drugs.

RossFixxxed

Having seen, and tried to help drug users before: you can't. They will lie, cheat, steal and smile and look you in the eye while they do it. I don't know how 'deep' she's into it but if there is an addiction then really it's that you are talking to, not your sister. It never, ever goes well.

The stealing is something you have to stop, however, there is always the chance that she could rob, prostitute or whatever else if she's really hooked in.

On the other hand, there are plenty of recreational users out there. There's a perception that using drugs a couple of times means you are a complete junkie with no hope and you'll definitely die. You won't, but the deeper you get the higher the chances become due to diminishing returns and risky behaviour often. Also important to remember for others posting: just because YOU had a terrible time doing whatever, it does not mean others will. I've seen people have complete meltdowns from a joint, and I've seen people smoke for 15+ years and work jobs that earn very large salaries with no issue. It's the individual, the drug, the circumstances, mental health and so on all add up to produce the end result.

LegacyUser

Hi it's the OP again. I didn't expect for there to be any more replies to this thread but seeing as quite a few more have appeared I'll respond.

I'm feeling relieved now that there are some people here who are taking drug use and the danger of it seriously. Honestly, calling me "hysterical" etc. is not going to change my simple view that drugs are harmful- and can be no matter how frequent the usage- as every individual reacts differently and I'm not willing to just take that chance. Also as somebody said, they could contain absolutely anything in them. Cocaine can become addictive. It can become a problem. It can kill you.

I said in my first post that I know looking at her phone is wrong. It is a breach of trust, I feel bad about it, I felt horrible as I did it. But like....I wasn't doing it to run off and tell mammy and daddy straight away for my own sweet satisfaction, I didn't run around in hysterics and I don't think it makes me "evil". I know I said I was open to some negative/constructive criticism but I found some accusations, like saying I was wildly exaggerating, to be a bit hysterical in themselves.

I'm still thinking over what to do. I've brought this upon myself and I feel guilt both for what I've done and for what might happen if I don't confess to it. I read the proof she's done it. I read the proof that she was telling a girl to wait for her before they left to see a dealer so that she could find and take more money from around the house.

Yes, I'm protective. I've always kept an eye on her generally because she's younger than me - it just comes naturally - do I really have to seek professional help for this? For concern for a family member? It's not what I devote my life to 24/7 -eh, yes I leave the house, I have friends, I go to college, I have a "life".

I don't want to be too specific because I feel like the details are too personal to actually divulge but this whole thing of checking on her comes from the fact that losing her was a real prospect before. I mentioned she has depression in my first post and I mean, there was a night when I was awake for hours waiting for a call from my mam in A&E to tell me she was going to be ok. This was less than a year ago, it made me not want to be complacent about her ever again- I'm terrified of ever being in that situation where I might not know if I'll ever see her again. Not on an every-moment-of-the-day basis but when I know she's out taking drugs, well it does kind of bring that back up in my mind.

I still haven't acted upon this and I'm probably not going to for a while. Maybe she does hate me and I can go on hating myself for spying on her and that'll be that. I hope nothing serious or harmful ever comes of it.

Thanks to the people who weren't so quick to immediately judge me harshly and have given me some support in myself.

Big Bag of Chips

But, if you are not going to act on it "for a while", why did you check her phone? That is contradictory to everything you have said about worrying about her, and furthers the thought that you were just being nosey! I don't mean that to come across as harsh, but if you are so adamant that you only did it because you worry so much and care so much about her, why then are you doing nothing?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But, if you are not going to act on it "for a while", why did you check her phone? That is contradictory to everything you have said about worrying about her, and furthers the thought that you were just being nosey! I don't mean that to come across as harsh, but if you are so adamant that you only did it because you worry so much and care so much about her, why then are you doing nothing?

I checked her phone because I wanted to know about her drug use. I'm stalling and doing nothing about it because most of the advice seems to be to let her at it as she's an adult and there's nothing that can be done. I can force myself to ignore it and put blinkers on in future- or I can tell my parents and ask them to help her / intervene and subsequently ruin our relationship. On one hand, worry and guilt is plaguing me all the time, on the other, I'm relieved but she probably feels bad because she has to live with someone like me, untrustworthy and meddling.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm sorry but you are really really contradicting yourself. In your post you thanked people "who are taking drug use and the danger of it seriously". You say "Cocaine can become addictive. It can become a problem. It can kill you." You said "this whole thing of checking on her comes from the fact that losing her was a real prospect before", and that you don't want to become "complacent" about her, and wondering if you'll ever see her again. Yet here you are taking the advice of the people you think didn't take the drug use seriously, and ignoring the advice of the people who told you that you should take it seriously.

When you found out she was smoking you told your parents because you were terrified that she had gotten into drugs. Now many people will argue that weed is on the lesser end of the "serious" drugs scale. And starting onto cocaine would be something worthy of a bit more concern... yet here you are - saying you are not going to do anything "for a while". If that isn't complacency, then I'm not sure what is. You are scared for her. Scared she will get in too deep. Scared because of her past mental health issues. Yet you are deciding to say nothing, live instead with the "guilt" of snooping on her, and hoping "nothing serious or harmful ever comes of it".

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. But I think if you went to trouble of snooping on her, out of concern, then you should at least act on what you found, out of concern. Otherwise you were just snooping, without the concern!

Yes - your sister might hate you for interfering. But you will be confident in your belief that you did what you did with her best interests at heart.

Call Me Jimmy

worried-sister wrote: »

Hi it's the OP again. I didn't expect for there to be any more replies to this thread but seeing as quite a few more have appeared I'll respond.

I'm feeling relieved now that there are some people here who are taking drug use and the danger of it seriously. Honestly, calling me "hysterical" etc. is not going to change my simple view that drugs are harmful- and can be no matter how frequent the usage- as every individual reacts differently and I'm not willing to just take that chance. Also as somebody said, they could contain absolutely anything in them. Cocaine can become addictive. It can become a problem. It can kill you.

I said in my first post that I know looking at her phone is wrong. It is a breach of trust, I feel bad about it, I felt horrible as I did it. But like....I wasn't doing it to run off and tell mammy and daddy straight away for my own sweet satisfaction, I didn't run around in hysterics and I don't think it makes me "evil". I know I said I was open to some negative/constructive criticism but I found some accusations, like saying I was wildly exaggerating, to be a bit hysterical in themselves.

I'm still thinking over what to do. I've brought this upon myself and I feel guilt both for what I've done and for what might happen if I don't confess to it. I read the proof she's done it. I read the proof that she was telling a girl to wait for her before they left to see a dealer so that she could find and take more money from around the house.

Yes, I'm protective. I've always kept an eye on her generally because she's younger than me - it just comes naturally - do I really have to seek professional help for this? For concern for a family member? It's not what I devote my life to 24/7 -eh, yes I leave the house, I have friends, I go to college, I have a "life".

I don't want to be too specific because I feel like the details are too personal to actually divulge but this whole thing of checking on her comes from the fact that losing her was a real prospect before. I mentioned she has depression in my first post and I mean, there was a night when I was awake for hours waiting for a call from my mam in A&E to tell me she was going to be ok. This was less than a year ago, it made me not want to be complacent about her ever again- I'm terrified of ever being in that situation where I might not know if I'll ever see her again. Not on an every-moment-of-the-day basis but when I know she's out taking drugs, well it does kind of bring that back up in my mind.

I still haven't acted upon this and I'm probably not going to for a while. Maybe she does hate me and I can go on hating myself for spying on her and that'll be that. I hope nothing serious or harmful ever comes of it.

Thanks to the people who weren't so quick to immediately judge me harshly and have given me some support in myself.

I understand you are worried, especially after feeling like you nearly lost her, but bringing frantic energy to the situation and to her are not going to help. For a time I smoked a lot of weed and I'll tell you what, it was the only thing that made me relax enough to have a laugh. Without it my life was bare, I didn't even want to see my friends in my usual state. This is not the case anymore, but don't just look at the worst case scenario. Remember she will be having some enjoyment, laughing. With a history of depression, laughing can be hard to come by.

I honestly think you want it to be a dramatic thing? I hope you don't think I'm attacking you.

EDIT: You have also proven that you are untrustworthy. Looking at her phone is a line you don't cross. The worst thing that's likely to happen is not a drug-related problem, it's her losing the connection to her family completely. I would keep a distance from you if I were her. That's the worst thing that will most likely happen.

Chucky the tree

If you're main concern is for your sister's health why not get her some testing kits for Christmas(Obviously don't wrap them up and leave them under the tree). If your sister you can get your sister to trust you she is far likely to go to you for help when she needs/wants it. If she doesn't trust you she'll simply keep her problems to herself.

willow tree

Hi op.. I think you seem like a loving sensitive friend & sister. Would you consider contacting n.a.? They've groups for family members of loved ones taking drugs. No judgment & even if you just want to talk & get advice you can ring them. Some counseling to support yourself & get some tools to deal with this can be helpful too. Good luck.

Toots

I understand where you're coming from OP, I have two younger sisters myself, and I know what it's like to feel protective of them. however, I think your recent experience with your sister going to hospital has caused you to become overly anxious. That's completely understandable and it must have been an absolutely horrific ordeal for the whole family.

Leaving the whole drugs issue aside, I think it would do you no harm to have a chat with someone about it, someone who can help you process your feelings about it and learn to techniques to control your anxiety. There's nothing wrong with you, you've been through something horrible and just because she came home from hospital doesn't mean that you're not still hugely affected by it. Just the knowledge that a loved one is in such a bad way weighs hugely on you, and even though you're not technically 'bereaved' there's an element of grief that needs to be addressed.

I wonder is this part of the reason your parents didn't go too hard on her when they found out about the weed. They may have felt that it was a part of her way of processing what she's been through. Perhaps after the prospect of losing her, they didn't want to do anything too drastic in case it had a bad effect on her. Did she get counselling after being in the hospital?

As regards you checking her phone, I'm not going to get into the rights and wrongs of it because it's done now. But now that it's done, and you can't unread the text messages, you need to make up your mind about what to do, because the indecision will eat you up. I know you're worried that you'll damage your relationship with her, but it's already damaged.

If it were me, I think I'd talk to my parents. If it was just a case of her recreationally using then I'd say mind your own business but the fact that she specifically mentioned in a text that she was hunting around the house for more money for drugs suggests to me that she does not have a handle of this and that things could be starting to slip. As well as that she has been depressed enough to warrant an admission to A&E, and in my own experience depression and narcotics are not a good mix.

I'd sit down with your parents and explain what you found and how you found it, then try to come up with a plan to help before speaking to your sister about any of it. Contact your GP, narcotics anonymous and any other resource you can find. They will help you try and deal with this. I think her depression and the drugs are going hand in hand at the moment, and there's no point addressing one without the other.