Girlfriend lied to me

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, any advice is appreciated!!

So I've been steady with my girlfriend for a fewcouple of months now and I'm experienceing some trust issues. I've had trouble trusting people for a while due to other relationships, but I found my current girlfriend and everything just seemed right.
Trouble is that a few weeks ago she was showing me something stupid on her facebook, and below it was a message from a guy saying "I had a great night last night but I never asked for your number". It was dated just a few weeks before we started going steady, but we had been really serious so I was a little annoyed. I asked her about it immediately and she became very defensive. She hid her phone and told me the story about going out to meet him, but that it was before I had ever even met her. I told her I had saw the date it was sent and she said I had seen it wrong and refused to show me anything to do with it. I knew straight away it was a lie.

I asked her again at a later date to tell me the truth, that I would accept whatever had happened before we began going steady but that I wanted to know from her rather than find out in a way like that again. She said I told you what happened and thats the truth.
I have also seen messages in her phone from him, but they all stopped before we started going steady (but around the time of the date i saw), but I'm still upset that she's lied and is still lying to me about it.

Should I be letting this bother me as much as it is or am I overthinking it? I have no reason to believe she has done anything wrong since we started going steady, I just hate the fact that she's lied to me and am starting to lose trust in her

What should I do?

dudara

Any contact she had with with guy was before you started going out (or "going steady"). All the facts appear to be consistent with this.

If she was in contact with him during the early stages, but before you were going out, then that's not unisual either. She might not feel great about it, hence a bit of cover up. It's how she's behaved since you started going out that truly matters. And that's what you should focus on.

If you keep pushing her, you run the risk of losing her.

seventeen sheep

I would absolutely let it go and forget about it.

Maybe whatever she had with this guy was more serious/recent than she had previously let on, but she told a bit of a white lie or skimmed over it so as not to hurt you. Because she is (presumably) aware of your trust issues, she's keeping her story consistent.

Or maybe you misread the date and she is being perfectly honest and you're getting worked up over absolutely nothing. She is under no obligation to "prove" herself by showing you the messages etc, if that's what you're hoping.

Either way, if you care about this woman and your relationship together, whatever happened with him (or with any other man) is absolutely irrelevant. It was before you were in a relationship with her.

If you're willing to potentially end the relationship over such an unimportant issue, when you're quite confident she's been faithful to you since she became your girlfriend - well, then, the relationship can't mean that much to you anyways.

CaraMay

You sound scarily intense and are obviously bringing heavy baggage into this relationship from previous ones.

The girl is entitled to a life before you.

RDM_83 again

paranoidguy wrote: »

It was dated just a few weeks before we started going steady, but we had been really serious so I was a little annoyed. I asked her about it immediately and she became very defensive. She hid her phone and told me the story about going out to meet him, but that it was before I had ever even met her. I told her I had saw the date it was sent and she said I had seen it wrong and refused to show me anything to do with it. I knew straight away it was a lie.

CaraMay wrote: »

You sound scarily intense and are obviously bringing heavy baggage into this relationship from previous ones.

The girl is entitled to a life before you.

Yeah but its not a great sign on her part lying or covering up (if he read dates right) about something that happened while they knew each other but not exclusive.
I know its not very helpful but it sounds like your both in the wrong, her for getting defensive/covering up - if she has nothing to feel guilty about she shouldn't/wouldn't be doing it. Your probably pushing to hard though and thats not a good characteristic and if its still early days your both probably working out your boundaries.
My advice would be suck it up it probably hurts that there was someone else on the scene when you were about but realistically there is nothing you can do about it and if your meant to be (and your trust issues don't flare up) in a few months time it won't matter.

Big Bag of Chips

Everybody tells white lies. Mostly to spare the feelings of those around us. On one hand you say you would accept whatever she did before you started going steady, yet from your post it's clear that you wouldn't really. You'd be very annoyed and possibly upset. You said you are annoyed she was talking to this fella when you two were starting to get serious.

It looks like she lied. But it looks like she lied to protect you from feeling hurt. And now she can't go back on that. She shouldn't have lied. But people usually lie for two reasons. Because they want to spare feelings or because they are scared of the reaction if they tell the truth.

strobe

It sounds like she's quite aware of your trust and insecurity issues and was just trying to spare you any worry. I'd let it go if you're at all capable of doing so man.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly? Get out of this relationship now. Your trust issues are one thing, they can be fixed over time, but she's obviously hiding something after she decided to go from actively showing you random things and being open with you to keeping you in the dark entirely because she got caught out. If she didn't have anything to hide, she wouldn't have acted as she did. I also assume 'going steady' means you made things official, but I also never bought the concept that not being 'exclusive' meant you can see other people on the side, chatting them up or otherwise, given that it wasn't that long between you to cementing things and those messages. Seems like she had a completely different set of ideas of what you two were and never told you, keeping her options open until she decided what she wanted. If you're right about the dates and the texts being from the same person, I just wouldn't bother. This early, with that level of defensiveness and skittishness, you're looking at someone who has a very different idea of how things operate than you do. That won't go away either, she seems to have her own rulebook for these situations and the fact that she sticks to the story she's telling and is trying to coerce your silence, instead of working with you to fix this problem, says more than anything else.

Saipanne

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Honestly? Get out of this relationship now. Your trust issues are one thing, they can be fixed over time, but she's obviously hiding something after she decided to go from actively showing you random things and being open with you to keeping you in the dark entirely because she got caught out. If she didn't have anything to hide, she wouldn't have acted as she did. I also assume 'going steady' means you made things official, but I also never bought the concept that not being 'exclusive' meant you can see other people on the side, chatting them up or otherwise, given that it wasn't that long between you to cementing things and those messages. Seems like she had a completely different set of ideas of what you two were and never told you, keeping her options open until she decided what she wanted. If you're right about the dates and the texts being from the same person, I just wouldn't bother. This early, with that level of defensiveness and skittishness, you're looking at someone who has a very different idea of how things operate than you do. That won't go away either, she seems to have her own rulebook for these situations and the fact that she sticks to the story she's telling and is trying to coerce your silence, instead of working with you to fix this problem, says more than anything else.

I completely agree. Plenty more fish out there.