Marriage over, nobody believes me.

LegacyUser

Long story short.
Married years, unhappy for past 5/6 years.No longer in love, didn't fancy him, felt I was living a huge lie. Told him 3 years ago I felt like this, he was devastated,begged me to reconsider,threatened suicide. I reluctantly said I'd try even though I felt I couldn't change how I felt.
He lost weight- he'd gained a lot during marriage, yet I still felt exactly the same.No longer attracted, although we got on, to me he was like a brother or a friend.
I meanwhile met someone, who became a close friend, some 6 months later we became lovers.
To cut a long story short, it was great, I finally had the sexual intimacy I'd lost in my marriage.
I was happy, but it ended earlier this year.

I realized then that I had to walk away from marriage , I deserved to be happier, so did husband.I couldn't live an emotionless,sexless marriage for another few decades , and I deserved more than stolen hours with a hidden lover.
Husband however, is making things difficult. Refusing to hear me when I say it's over,reading books which tell how to fix it.
Before anyone recommends counselling, we've gone both together which was a disaster, and seperately which has helped me greatly .I know 100% it is over.
Have confided in friends, their disbelief is like his.
Can't we fix it,can't we work through it? Family are the same.

So it feels like it's me versus the world.
it's like I feel nobody thinks I should be happy.
I'm mid 40s, don't I deserve to be happy rather than miserable?

Am coming on here to ask if anyone has had similar , can advise me on moving forward.
I hope to move out in coming weeks, just trying to get organised.Hasn't been easy, 15 year old at home.
Thanks and sorry for length of moan.

Tigger99

I don't think you could have done any more than you have. Moving out will make it feel more real for him. I find the reactions odd. All I can say is, be firm, tell them it's definitely over. If they had no indication, they are probably in shock, they'll get over it. If they are still pushing you to stay in such a loveless marriage, I'd ask them why do they want you to stay in such a marriage, do you not deserve happiness?

I hope you find support in your friends and family.

LegacyUser

Speaking as adult child of parent who walked out at this time of year, please wait a while. Christmas has been ruined (possibly for life) for me due to a mother walking out two days after Christmas. She didn't just leave him, she left everyone.

Ethel

The timing is not ideal, it should have been sorted out much sooner. You're extending the heartache for your ex by remaining under the one roof. He thinks there is something is salvageable here, as there is no clear divide.

Your son is fifteen years old, and I'm sure he's picked up on the atmosphere in the house. Have you even spoken to him about this? While he doesn't need to be informed of the nitty gritty of the downfall of your marriage, he deserves a chat about things and how it will effect him. The plan must consist of more than you getting away from your ex. Your son may be confused, angry or even relieved about the split. He will need reassurance that everything will be okay, and that his parents are in control of the situation.

I personally would avoid getting involved with anyone right now, so nothing clouds your judgement or takes priority over the welfare of your son, your living and financial arrangements and importantly allowing your husband to process the fact that your marriage is really over.

You're adamant that you should be happy, and I'm not disagreeing with you. But so does your husband and son. There is never a good time for this, but I'd make early January the deadline.

StormWarrior

I am sure your child has noticed the atmosphere in the house. You can't stay miserable just to please everybody else. Stay for Christmas, and during these coming weeks sort out things like finding somewhere to move to. It sounds like your husband will never accept your decision so there's no point trying to reason with him.

shuffle65

If you are 100% certain that the marriage cannot be saved then it is up to you to end it. You don't need permission or approval from friends and family. Your 15 year old is really the only one you should be worried about, try to minimise any hurt for them, and as someone else has already said, don't get involved with anyone else until you have sorted everything out. Good luck

LegacyUser

Op here again.

Thanks to everyone for your posts
100% sure its over.
So many threads in here from husbands who's wifes have gone off sex.
Those couldve been about. me because I stopped loving him.Stopped enjoying the sexual side.
Admitting it wasnt easy but I have to be honest to myself.

Child knows already ,am trying to sort out living arrangements.
Its not easy when a marraige fails, I've never believed anyone should stay put just because of the til death do us part vow.
To say I've been unhappy is putting it mildly.
Will aim for new year,fresh start for all.
Thank you all again

CaraMay

Starting Over Again wrote: »

Op here again.

Thanks to everyone for your posts
100% sure its over.
So many threads in here from husbands who's wifes have gone off sex.
Those couldve been about. me because I stopped loving him.Stopped enjoying the sexual side.
Admitting it wasnt easy but I have to be honest to myself.

Child knows already ,am trying to sort out living arrangements.
Its not easy when a marraige fails, I've never believed anyone should stay put just because of the til death do us part vow.
To say I've been unhappy is putting it mildly.
Will aim for new year,fresh start for all.
Thank you all again

Op you seem to think your affair was justified just because you fell out of love. My heart goes out to your husband who is clearly doing anything he can to keep the marriage together. You have really betrayed him but seem to have gotten away with it. I would suggest, in future relationships, that you learn to act on your problems rather than run and cheat.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you seem to think your affair was justified just because you fell out of love. My heart goes out to your husband who is clearly doing anything he can to keep the marriage together. You have really betrayed him but seem to have gotten away with it. I would suggest, in future relationships, that you learn to act on your problems rather than run and cheat.

Actually Caramay, that's not right.
Husband isn't clearly doing anything to keep marriage together.
a part of him can't aadmit that 5/6 years without good sex ,without intimacy,without kissing is not a normal marriage unless both people want it.qnd we didnt.
As for affair, getting away with it?
My husband knows, he forgives me, I know I betrayed him. you think I should
learn to act on my problems ? I tried,remember my first post?
I told him how miserable I was , I cried, I begged to end marriage.
He threatened suicide. Could I let my Childs father do that just so I could experience happiness and a fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship again?
I tried everything,counselling didn't help then.
The affair showed me i wasn't a frigid person,but a real woman with needs. I don't want to be 70 looking back at my husband beside me knowing he hadn't had a good sex life for decades because I didnt fancy him,he deserves someone who loves him as much as me or anyone does.
That's not me being selfish or running away from problems.thats being realistic.there's enough threads on here about miserable relationships, I dont want to be one,nobody should.

Just so you know, not everything in life is clear cut, I tried everything to save marriage, but it just wasn't to be. I m not a bitch, im a good person who was desperately unhappy. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

CaraMay

Nobody deserves to be in a bad relationship but the fact remains that your affair was the nail in the coffin and obviously poured salt on his wounds. I happen to feel sorry for him as you must be beyond heartbroken to threaten suicide to keep someone.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Nobody deserves to be in a bad relationship but the fact remains that your affair was the nail in the coffin and obviously poured salt on his wounds. I happen to feel sorry for him as you must be beyond heartbroken to threaten suicide to keep someone.

Whaaat !!! are you serious? She tells her husband the marriage is over and his response is to threaten suicide !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've read other threads where partners are stuck with partners like this and the response has always been leave him/her, your'e in an emotionally abusive relationship!

Sorry but his suicide threat smells of major manipulation and guilt tripping on his part. He is in complete denial about the relationship is over. You're like housemates rather than a couple

Op you said you have tried to make it work and his response is to stick together and it can be fixed!!! he could be talking about a broken down car. If you think staying together for the sake of your 15 year old son is a good idea, its not. You are just going to end up miserable and full of regrets. You only get one chance at life live it.

StormWarrior

Him threatening suicide is a form of bullying. He obviously doesn't care whether you're happy or not, just as long as he gets what he wants. This has been dragging on for 6 years already, you don't want to waste another 6. Leave him, and if he threatens suicide again then call the police/ambulance and let them deal with him.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Nobody deserves to be in a bad relationship but the fact remains that your affair was the nail in the coffin and obviously poured salt on his wounds. I happen to feel sorry for him as you must be beyond heartbroken to threaten suicide to keep someone.

Using emotional blackmail is a form of control. Bullies, addicts, manipulators, cowards etc will all be willing to use it. Its nothing about being beyond heartbroken. Its the action of someone who is hugely selfish, so much so that they are willing to blackmail a supposed loved one to get their way.

Always beware the person who threatens to harm or kill themselves over love - thats a damaged dysfunctional person right there and they will not hesitate to blame others for "making" them do it.