Grief

Call me Al

I don't even know if this is the right place to post this so mods please move this if you need to.
A close in law family member is dying from cancer. They are in the final stages and we are talking months if not weeks. My children have been sick this week so we haven't been able to visit as we might like. Truth be told though he isn't the most patient of men with children at the best of times though, and while very loving towards them (he would do anything for them), he is a stern man so their relationship hasn't been great all of the time.

Anyway, yesterday was my youngest's 6th birthday. He was sick here at home with me, and his granny happened to call last night (what with everything that's going on she had understandably forgotten it was his birthday) and so we were lucky to talk to them. She and their grandfather sang happy birthday to him over the phone.
Ever since then I just cant stop crying every time I think of him singing to his grandson. This is the last birthday he will have shared with him and I'm so upset. We are facing into his final christmas with us and the thoughts of all of this is just so upsetting. Everything is final for him.
I've understood and known that things weren't looking good for him and I've helped my husband come to terms with this, but now I'm just so upset thinking of it. How do we cope? Is it just a case of one day at a time, one foot in front of the other while we guide and help him through this?

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Littlekittylou

I think do what he wishes and let him guide how he wants to deal with it.

Make it the best Christmas you can but don't put pressure. Just spend time. And if he is in a hospice ask for any help you need.

I am very sorry you are going through this. Just let him enjoy it as he wants to.

So sorry again.

Call me Al

Thank you for your replies.
Unfortunately circumstances have suddenly accelerated beyond our control and we aren't likely to get much more time with him. We are now counting days and not weeks.

Thanks again.

Aimeee

I'm also very sorry you are going through this and especially at this time of year. We went through similar earlier this year. It is very very tough but also very out of your control, making it hard. Day by day is my advice. Some days are fine then other times things hit you out of the blue and tears and memories come and the finality of dying. I've come to realise that it's a privilege to be given this precious time at the end of a long and hopefully happy life, though it may not feel like this right now.
When I was younger one of my Grandparents died on Christmas eve actually. As a child I realise now my Mom tried to keep everything as Christmassy as possible, relative to the situation. For us kids that meant Santa still came as normal (priorities age 9!).
We saw our cousins a lot more that few weeks too due to the situation. Thinking back it wasn't a particularly sad Christmas for 9 year old me. All I remember now is that the adults were a bit distracted at the time. Looking back as an adult with my own kids now I have to give kudos to my parents who must have been going through hell. It was my Mother's Mother who died and even now I still don't know how she was so strong! My Dad was great too he was the one keeping us informed (I remember being annoyed that they didn't explain what was going on ie specifics is she dying??). I was able to say this at the time and from then on was kept in the loop, though I suspect it was censored for my 9yr old ears. Personally I think the worst thing to do is not explain stuff as kids know something is happening.
Cousins can come into their own at this time, if you have close family around.
Please look after yourself. It is a tough time for all involved.
You will be surprised at what reserves you have and the amount of goodwill that shows itself at times like this.
Take care. X

r3nu4l

I think it's lovely that he sang happy birthday to your son. Very bittersweet and a happy memory for all of you. It shows too that perhaps he realises that he needed to show more warmth

I lost my Mum last year and she was a very loving grandmother to my 4 year old daughter. My daughter had watched her condition deteriorate over two years to a woman trapped in a wheelchair, unable to eat, speak or even smile. We lived in England at the time so only got to see my Mum every few months. Thankfully we saw her three weeks before she died.

The reason for the back story is to highlight that despite my daughter knowing her nan was getting more and more poorly and gentle conversations around that, her death was still a massive shock and even last week my daughter got very upset when we were talking about her and asked us to change the subject so she wouldn't cry. She fought back her tears while doing this.

I realised then that throughout the funeral and since then, my daughter hasn't seen me cry about my Mum's death or get upset about it. I've been trying to shield her from my grief and have grieved privately...probably not as healthy for helping my daughter manage her feelings as I thought it was. I thought I was being strong for her and showing her that it was okay to be sad but that life goes on.

I'd recommend not bawling your eyes out for days on end and being a complete emotional wreck but st the same time paying careful attention to at least displaying some grief openly would be good. My wife cries at my M's funeral as did other relatives and that really upset and frightened my daughter but perhaps I was too 'strong' and should have been more open instead of my daughter thinking I had shut down any emotion.

So while you feel very sad about this, your job is to help your kids understand it and deal with it.

Rubberchikken

do take it a day at a time.
you are grieving already as you know this person's life is almost over and it's fine to be sad.

it was good they got to wish your boy a happy birthday. it's a memory that will bring a smile to the lad's face in years to come when you remind him of it. just for now everything is raw and hurting, and it will continue that way off and on for a while.

anyone dying is hard but this time of year seems to make it even harder for people.

take care and wishing you strength

Call me Al

There's a lot to think about here.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's greatly appreciated.

The Princess Bride

Hi Call me Al.
Just to say,look after yourself and your family, this is a highly emotional time and people tend to be more vulnerable than usual.

I'd recommend www.cancer.ie and download the A Time To Care pdf.The Irish Cancer Society offer a huge amount of support, including the Night Nurse service, if your relative is still at home.

^^The booklet gives advice on what to expect and lots of contact numbers for support.
Take care.

December2012

I would tell your children and if possible bring them to say goodbye.

Be as practical and honest with them as you can.

"Kids, grandad is dying, he's very sick and he won't get better. He is not in any pain but his body will stop working soon. I am very sad and I will miss him."

You can explain about afterlife in line with your personal and religious beliefs.

My father was religious; I'm not. I told my kids that we would not see Grandad after he died. I said I don't believe in heaven, but that Grandad did and although he is sad to die he believes he will be at rest in heaven.

I said that I won't forget him and I will always love him.

My daughter (4) piped up and said - "mammy you can always see him in your dreams and memories when you miss him".

I also told my kids that I will be sad from time to time but they were not to worry about it and that it was normal.

neemish

Hi OP,

My heart goes out to you - not only are you faced with loosing a loved one, but also have to guide your children through it. First thing I'd say is well done on realising the effect this will have on your kids. You'd be amazed how many say, ah sure it won't make much difference, they weren't that close.

Below are links to some booklets you might find helpful. I'd definitely organise a time to say goodbye for your children, maybe they could make cards/draw pictures to give. Or if they are a little older write a note. And don't be afraid to ask your FIL (if he is able) is there anything he would like to say to the kids. Even an "I love you" can help. (Both my grandmothers died when I was small and I've kept any cards they sent me. Seeing To Neemish, love Nana still gets me)

Death is hard at any time, but especially at Christmas. Be gentle with yourself. Try and keep things "normal" but maybe a little simpler than usual. Like having a Sunday Roast instead of turkey with all the trimmings. Make life as easy as possible.

Mind yourself.

http://www.barnardos.ie/assets/files/publications/free/death_booklet2.pdf

http://www.barnardos.ie/assets/files/publications/free/pp_death_childs.pdf