Should I end my marriage?

LegacyUser

I could really do with an outside perspective of my marriage.

We are together ten year and have three kids. Aged between 8 -3 yrs. My husband has very self destructive behaviour and I now ask myself 'do I really want this any more? It's too hard!

He is an alcoholic but has been sober for nearly one year. He smokes a lot of weed and smokes cigarettes heavily. He's diet is terrible.
While the diet and cigarettes may not seem like much, but five years ago he was diagnosed with cancer and was told that he would have to quite smoking and look after himself or he would be back before he is forty and that it would be treatable not curable.

This doesn't seem to concern him at all, but it really bothers me. I'm up many nights wondering how I'll cope if he gets sick again. How will I protect the kids from the effect of it etc?

He suffers a lot from depression and has been really difficult to live with. Best described as walking on egg shells. He doesn't like anyone to visit the house and can be very controlling.
He gets upset if I wear make-up or forget to put on my wedding rings etc.

I gave up my career shortly after our marriage 'so I could better support him'. I now know that this was a stupid thing to have given into and I am currently rebuilding that. It took many fights and me walking out to be allowed a job and to go back studying part-time. As he leaves the burden/responsibility of kids on me, this hasn't been easy.

I resent him a lot now as I'm starting to rediscover myself. I gave away too much of myself for him.
He has recently started going to counselling and has been on anti-depressants for 4-5 years.
Life has been really horrible since we married and I am coming to realise that none of it was necessary, it was all his doing, and that he left me powerless. Committed to children ( that I love dearly) but with no money or career.
We don't have fun! It is even a problem if I want to go to bed earlier than him. ie. 11pm.

I just realise that everything, all of our marriage has been about him, not the kids or me or the family as a whole.
He says I am always picking on him and finding fault, maybe I am?
He has had another failed business venture, and plans on starting another. He puts us in so much debt and yet doesn't support my career. He wants me to back him on all of these business and stay at home to mine the kids.
I want a career now and think he would be better off at home/re-skilling/working in a factory whatever, anything than another business.

By next year I will be qualified and working full-time in a good job. I do consider just leaving him and making our own way. Being independent, having friends over etc and having fun.

I'd love any feedback

LLMMML

This seems to have all the hallmarks of a controlling relationship. While ending a marriage is a big deal, from what you've described it's hard to see how you would ever end up in a happy relationship of equals. I think you deserve a lot better.

Tasden

I cant really comment on the marriage aspect and that's a decision only you can make really, but just in relation to getting the full time job if you do leave and having your freedom etc. This is true to an extent, but it doesn't seem like he'd be very involved with the children if you do separate? So are you going to end up the sole carer? If that is the case you're probably going to be very limited in what work you can take up for a few years at least probably. It will have to pay enough for childcare on top of everything else if their dad isn't going to help in that regard. Or be during school times, which is a lot more difficult to find than you'd think. What is the situation with the family home? Will you stay and him leave? Will he contribute financially? I'd strongly advise getting legal and financial advice before making any decision.

power pants

Im a lone parent and I work full time, paying childcare and afterschool fees literally cripple me. I am not home till 7pm either and straight into the homework and dinner

Im happy and we manage well but it is worth thinking about its very expensive and you will have virtually no free time.

Perhaps you have family close by or really good friends to help you?

LegacyUser

I am currently working full time, periods of study leave are built into my contract.

We own our home with a very small and affordable mortgage. The children's school has a fantastic breakfast club and after-school. They provide cooked dinners and supervise homework. The cost of this service is not a problem.

My husband contributes about €200 a week into the family home at present, I cover the rest. I am currently building savings etc. I would not leave the marriage immediately, but rather finish my education, secure a permanent role and build adequate savings.

I would expect/support my husband to be involved in his children's lives.

I am interested in peoples feedback regarding the marriage/relationship itself.

LegacyUser

endofmarriage wrote: »

He says I am always picking on him and finding fault, maybe I am?

What I've quoted above is the usual response of abusers, addicts etc. when confronted with the damage they're causing; they deny their faults, blame you for recognising it by claiming you're inventing or exaggerating it and often blame you for their behaviour in spite of denying the behaviour ever took place. It's all an effort to allow themselves to carry on rather than face up to the possibility that they'll have to change. If it's successful, it will weaken your position and in turn entrench theirs. Have look at this and see if it rings any bells http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting For the same reasons, he attempted to undermine your attempts to start to make a life for yourself by studying.

While you may not recognise it as such and you might think I'm overstating it, you're in an abusive relationship. Knowingly, wilfully carrying on with a damaging behaviour which is having such a toll on you is a form of abuse. He doesn't have to raise a hand to be abusing you. What has happened so far is, I would guess, only the beginning. An event like another failed business, an illness, the kids leaving home, you making some obvious positive step towards independence, he starts drinking again, anything like that, could well be the crisis that precipitates an escalation.

Getting you to give up your career and making you financially dependent was setting the platform for that, it meant he could isolate you, control you and put you where you are now, knowing you want to leave but not feeling like you can. It's both the platform for abuse and abuse in itself.

I'd suggest you contact Women's Aid and have a talk to them http://www.womensaid.ie/
You might get support which allows you to improve things where you are, or support to make the decision to leave, but one way or another you'll get good advice to understand the issues and decide what's next for you. Good luck.

Tasden

endofmarriage wrote: »

I am currently working full time, periods of study leave are built into my contract.

We own our home with a very small and affordable mortgage. The children's school has a fantastic breakfast club and after-school. They provide cooked dinners and supervise homework. The cost of this service is not a problem.

My husband contributes about €200 a week into the family home at present, I cover the rest. I am currently building savings etc. I would not leave the marriage immediately, but rather finish my education, secure a permanent role and build adequate savings.

I would expect/support my husband to be involved in his children's lives.

I am interested in peoples feedback regarding the marriage/relationship itself.

Expecting or supporting your husband to be in their lives does not mean he will though. That's all people are saying, that you need to be able to do it on your own and without his support and then if he does turn out to be supportive and involved that's great. If he doesn't then at least you're not left high and dry and doing everything yourself with no options available to you.
If he's already controlling and doesn't like you having your own life now as a partner, whats to say he wont deliberately make things awkward for you in moving forward with a whole new fulfilling life without him? I always assumed my child's father would be just as involved if we were to separate. Couldn't be further from the truth. I have no support whatsoever.

Are the kids on the after school programme already yeah? Or does he mind them now while you work?

People don't know your marriage/relationship. You need to decide that for yourself. If you're unhappy and posting here about leaving him then I'm assuming that's what you feel is best? And you seem to be fairly organised re savings etc so its really a decision that you need to make based on whats best for you.

power pants

endofmarriage wrote: »

I am currently working full time, periods of study leave are built into my contract.

We own our home with a very small and affordable mortgage. The children's school has a fantastic breakfast club and after-school. They provide cooked dinners and supervise homework. The cost of this service is not a problem.

My husband contributes about €200 a week into the family home at present, I cover the rest. I am currently building savings etc. I would not leave the marriage immediately, but rather finish my education, secure a permanent role and build adequate savings.

I would expect/support my husband to be involved in his children's lives.

I am interested in peoples feedback regarding the marriage/relationship itself.

I doubt anyone is going to post that you have a wonderful marriage from what you have posted. Im not sure what feedback you are expecting.
Seems like you have put a lot of thought into leaving him and have suitable solutions to potential problems. If you are as unhappy and miserable as you have posted, surely there is only one answer then?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

I guess I was hoping to get confirmation of my decision. I was worried that I was making too much out of nothing and that I should just work/try harder at my marriage.

Much of my planning ( savings/career ) started due to worrying about him getting sick/dying. It's a very real problem for him/us.

I love my children so very much, and I want the best for them. I won't do or make any decision without factoring in the worst case scenario and having sizeable savings.
Upon agreement, I would probably sell our current home, releasing equity, and move closer to the support of family and work.

Guessed,
Yes, our marriage was very abusive. Less so now because I won't take it or enable it.
He would get verbally and sometimes physically abusive when drunk. He would drink seven nights a week and blow every penny we had on cigs and alcohol. He would restrict my access to money and max out credit cards held in my name etc.
He would forbid people visiting the house and lose his temper with me if the house was not kept clean enough for his standards, so on and so on.

He has improved and stopped drinking and because of this, I question whether I should/am entitled to still leave.

ceadaoin.

Yes, it does sound like a controlling relationship and physically, emotionally and financially abusive too. If you do leave he will likely use whatever he can to continue controlling you. In this case, the kids. You need to plan for him having no involvement in childcare and probably not paying anything either. You say you will be set up with a well paying job next year. Could you wait until then to ensure that you have the financial means to support yourself and your kids? I would be worried if you tell him you are leaving before then he will do anything he can to sabotage it.

I think that you would benefit from counseling too so that you can learn to detach emotionally and not get anxious about his health issues etc. I'm sure his drinking has caused you a great deal of stress over the years so you are probably used to being in a constant state of anxiety.

As said above, women's aid can help you.

The Princess Bride

I have read all of your posts, OP.
Nowhere have you said that you either love or are in love with your husband.

I think you've done very well, to go back into education and employment and to start saving for your future. I believe you did this because you know you deserve to be happier than you've been.

As to your question, you are absolutely entitled to leave this difficult relationship.Your happiness and well being is as important as your children's- believe in yourself.
The years fly by, live your life by being true to yourself, it might not be easy, but easy doesn't always mean happy.

Best of luck - keep believing in you.