New roommate is current roomates girlfriend

LegacyUser

I'm looking for peoples opinions on this one, I've pretty much made my mind up already but just looking for some wider views.

Myself, John and Michael live together in a 3 bed apartment. Michael is moving out soon so myself and John need to find a new roommate to take Michael's room.

John has suggested that his new girlfriend, Mary moves into Michael's old room. She would be a normal roommate like the rest of us and pay her share of rent/bills. I am not ok with this.

They have only been in a relationship for 3 months and now want to live together? Madness in my view.

I will be effectively living with a couple now split across two bedrooms... not what I want. I'm worried about them taking over the entire apartment, not to mention the possible fights and even breakup.

I am strongly thinking about moving out if this happens.

Views.

pookie82

anon225236 wrote: »

I'm looking for peoples opinions on this one, I've pretty much made my mind up already but just looking for some wider views.

Myself, John and Michael live together in a 3 bed apartment. Michael is moving out soon so myself and John need to find a new roommate to take Michael's room.

John has suggested that his new girlfriend, Mary moves into Michael's old room. She would be a normal roommate like the rest of us and pay her share of rent/bills. I am not ok with this.

They have only been in a relationship for 3 months and now want to live together? Madness in my view.

I will be effectively living with a couple now split across two bedrooms... not what I want. I'm worried about them taking over the entire apartment, not to mention the possible fights and even breakup.

I am strongly thinking about moving out if this happens.

Views.

I'd be completely with you on this. Have you expressed your concern to "John"? I would do so before making a rash decision of moving out. He might see your point of view.

All you have to do is take a quick look on daft.ie to see the amount of double rooms for rent in shared houses which specify NO COUPLES. That's because in general, people don't like sharing with "a pair". Couple this with the fact that they've never lived together before themselves, and the relationship is so new, it's asking for potential trouble.

Even if they work out great, never fight and find it works well for them, few people want to share a living space with two people who'll cuddle on the couch, share romantic dinners together (if they're so inclined) and generally make you feel like a 3rd wheel in your own home. It might be different if there were 5 or 6 in the apartment, but with just 3 you're going to become the default spare tyre.

If John is a good friend he'll understand where you're coming from.

Big Bag of Chips

Did you tell him you're not keen on the idea?

Rubberchikken

explain that you're not happy with the idea.
it's early days in the relationship and it could go belly up anytime soon, causing who knows what hassle.

it's best to be open with him. you haven't anything to lose. maybe he's not big into the idea either, it could be mary doing the nudging, and he might only be hoping for a get out clause.

good luck

ShowMeTheCash

I would bail....

They want to live together let them get at it.

I would not talk to them about it, just say you are moving out also, you tell him it's because.... then it could cause an issue.

Oink

Living with a couple? Who have only been together 3 months?

Heeeeeell no. Don't do it.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

I'd tell him for sure but I wouldn't go with the break up angle. It'll probably piss him off if they are in the early days of a relationship that he thinks will last forever.

tinz18

Tell your housemate that you're not comfortable with the situation and explain that you don't want to be made a third wheel in your own place. As someone who just moved in with her OH, you don't want to be caught in the middle of some of the disputes that arises when a couple moves in together, it wouldn't be fair on you at all! It's very early days for them to consider taking this step- the fact that you refer to her as his "new" girlfriend enforces this, if they do want to go down this route let them find a place for just the pair of them.

Earl Turner

Do not let her move in. They'll turn into 'their' place and you will not be equal tenants.

iusedtoknow

Talk to the other roommate before doing anything rash

The main worry I would have is down the line they may start wanting to decrease costs in one way or another for themselves and you could end up being stuck for 1/2 the cost of some things rather than 1/3

The other side is, as mentioned...you could end up being the 3rd wheel in your own apartment

SingItOut

Having house shared with two couples at once (both relationships only happened after I moved in) I would encourage you to say no to your house mates girlfriend moving in. Moving in together after 3 months is ridiculous, let them get their own house if they want to live together. Both of the couples I was living with moved in with each other within 4 months and I can't tell you the amount of nights I had to listen to them screaming at each other!

lifeandtimes

anon225236 wrote: »

I'm looking for peoples opinions on this one, I've pretty much made my mind up already but just looking for some wider views.

Myself, John and Michael live together in a 3 bed apartment. Michael is moving out soon so myself and John need to find a new roommate to take Michael's room.

John has suggested that his new girlfriend, Mary moves into Michael's old room. She would be a normal roommate like the rest of us and pay her share of rent/bills. I am not ok with this.

They have only been in a relationship for 3 months and now want to live together? Madness in my view.

I will be effectively living with a couple now split across two bedrooms... not what I want. I'm worried about them taking over the entire apartment, not to mention the possible fights and even breakup.

I am strongly thinking about moving out if this happens.

Views.

Can you clarify is this your and your room mates decision who moves in or do you guys have a landlord?

If it's the former then air your concerns to him about it and ask for a neutral party to move in...if it's the later then unfortunately this is out of your control and if the landlord wants her to move in then you will have to deal with this

Stavro Mueller

I'm another one firmly in the No camp. I too house-shared with a couple, though thankfully it was only a temporary arrangement.

I think though that it might be a good idea for you to start looking around for somewhere new to stay. Your friend might not take kindly to you saying No and it could end up ruining your friendship. Perhaps in his own mind the girlfriend moving in is a done deal

Pawwed Rig

I'm with the majority on this No No No

I think that is what you already decided though

skooterblue2

I have lived with a couple who I house shared with. They had high highs and Low lows.
One minute they would be all over eachother and the next they would be Throwing dishes shutting off the electricity on eachother. Then they try to get you to take sides in their arguement......... Once I had to go to the Cinema three times in a week!!!

Dont say No!!! put it like..... I need my own space, closer to work, bigger room, en suite, ..... what ever you need to say but dont blame it on her. Keep the friendship and keep the dignity. Its a natural progression is all. Do it this way and you wont fall out with anyone.

ladygirl

Im with everyone else - dont let her move in..

Also they have only been together 3 months, still getting to know each other, what happens if they break up 3 months down the line (totally could happen) then you would be living in a war zone

skooterblue2

One thing you have never clarified OP.... are You, John and Michael friends?

are you all from the same town or were in college together?

Read it again.... Michael wants to move his girlfriend in ... if you reject Michaels girlfriend it is going to sour the friendship, presuming there is one. Because you rejected her (love me, love my dog), you rejected him. If Michael is adamant that she is going to move in then it may be time for you to move.

I see this ending badly with people being misunderstood and mismanaged and everyone is going to end up sour

mapaca

Just be honest with him: you don't think it's a good idea, they haven't been together that long, it could be a total disaster. Also, you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with a couple -any couple. Nothing personal. Suggest that ye advertise the room and see who responds, ye are sure to find someone more suitable.

Obviously you could phrase all the above in a more diplomatic way.... :-)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I've known Michael since college, we are good friends. We advertised the room and picked John. We've lived together for 2+ years, no issues. Landlord does not care once they get the full rent, so it would be myself and John picking the next roommate.

I've spoken with him but he was not really impressed, trying to calm my fears about the place turning into their place, 2 v 1, etc... seems to be falling on deaf ears. I think she is pushing for it as well, she is here 4 nights a week already. I don't care as well all have had friends/girlfriends over. It's different when she is here 100% of the time.

I'll give him the choice of keeping me and advertising for a new roommate or she can move in and they'll have to find a replacement for me, or John moves out with her and I'll find two new replacements.

Makes no sense to me at all. If I was to live with a significant other it would be alone, not with a third person. Madness.

tinz18

anon225236 wrote: »

Makes no sense to me at all. If I was to live with a significant other it would be alone, not with a third person. Madness.

Exactly. We did consider moving in with my boyfriends best mate but my boyfriend quite rightly said he'd rather the two of us alone.

If I were you I'd get looking for a place, doesn't sound like he's going to back down and good luck to them trying to find someone to move in with a couple! He's probably hoping he can best of both worlds by being able to live with both his girlfriend and his mate. No matter how easy-going the couple is there's always going to be an us vs them mentality.

Shrap

The dynamics of living in a same sex household and a mixed one are very, very different. I've done both, and although I'm female, I'd never live with a woman again! Not even with my best friend tbh. Of course that means that I've always shared with men and I've had no difficulties, but that's because I never had relationships with any of them (in house shares, that is).

I freely admit to being a moody cow in the mornings (till after 2 cups of tea) and for 2 full days before my periods, I can be an emotional heap of snivelling misery. If any of those men I lived with were NOT in a position to be able to say "Jaysus wept woman, would you give us a break?" due to me potentially going running to my bf and causing strife between the fellas, it would have been a disaster. And that's without all the inevitable tension that you could cut with a knife between a couple who have rowed and still have to live together. Eww. I wouldn't share with a couple if you paid me.

OP, your house mate can probably not be made to see this as he is in the unreasonable stage of a relationship where couples think everyone should be as overjoyed with them as they are with themselves. I do think you should point out you won't sign up to be the third wheel, but I doubt it'll have any effect

dixiefly

Shrap wrote: »

The dynamics of living in a same sex household and a mixed one are very, very different. I've done both, and although I'm female, I'd never live with a woman again! Not even with my best friend tbh. Of course that means that I've always shared with men and I've had no difficulties, but that's because I never had relationships with any of them (in house shares, that is).

I freely admit to being a moody cow in the mornings (till after 2 cups of tea) and for 2 full days before my periods, I can be an emotional heap of snivelling misery. If any of those men I lived with were NOT in a position to be able to say "Jaysus wept woman, would you give us a break?" due to me potentially going running to my bf and causing strife between the fellas, it would have been a disaster. And that's without all the inevitable tension that you could cut with a knife between a couple who have rowed and still have to live together. Eww. I wouldn't share with a couple if you paid me.

OP, your house mate can probably not be made to see this as he is in the unreasonable stage of a relationship where couples think everyone should be as overjoyed with them as they are with themselves. I do think you should point out you won't sign up to be the third wheel, but I doubt it'll have any effect

As the OP was there before John, he should have first call on staying and John move out if he wants to share with the gf.

Shrap

dixiefly wrote: »

As the OP was there before John, he should have first call on staying and John move out if he wants to share with the gf.

Good point.

Stavro Mueller

I've no doubt she's pushing for it. It's win win for them. He doesn't have to go through the hassle of finding a new place and moving out. The rent be split three ways and they're both familiar with their surroundings.

At this stage I reckon you're going to fall out with the two of them because you're rightly not wanting to become a third wheel in your own home. You've got nothing to lose by sticking to your guns and taking the option of you moving out off the table.

skooterblue2

anon225236 wrote: »

I think she is pushing for it as well, she is here 4 nights a week already. I don't care as well all have had friends/girlfriends over. It's different when she is here 100% of the time.

If she is staying over 4 nights a week she isnt visiting...she is squatting.

mkhall

skooterblue2 wrote: »

If she is staying over 4 nights a week she isnt visiting...she is squatting.

I let a housemates partner move in because they were already over 5 nights a week anyway. Thought it would make no difference and he'd finally contribute to bills...but eventually (and slowly) they starting nitpicking everything I did. They just wanted the place to themselves whether they realised it or not. I wouldn't live with my partner in rented accommodation so I'm guessing it's to save money? Op don't do it as it's been brought up to you in many scenarios, it will only go wrong. What would he do if it was the other way around? Tell him no and why, "the dynamics were grand when you me and x lived here so best keep it with another lad" End of story!
And not that it matters but after 3 months, I'd say you'd be stuck with two who either want to start playing happy families or are constantly at each others throats and scratching their heads as to why its not working out!

mkhall

Shrap wrote: »

The dynamics of living in a same sex household and a mixed one are very, very different. I've done both, and although I'm female, I'd never live with a woman again! Not even with my best friend tbh. Of course that means that I've always shared with men and I've had no difficulties, but that's because I never had relationships with any of them (in house shares, that is).

I freely admit to being a moody cow in the mornings (till after 2 cups of tea) and for 2 full days before my periods, I can be an emotional heap of snivelling misery. If any of those men I lived with were NOT in a position to be able to say "Jaysus wept woman, would you give us a break?" due to me potentially going running to my bf and causing strife between the fellas, it would have been a disaster. And that's without all the inevitable tension that you could cut with a knife between a couple who have rowed and still have to live together. Eww. I wouldn't share with a couple if you paid me.

OP, your house mate can probably not be made to see this as he is in the unreasonable stage of a relationship where couples think everyone should be as overjoyed with them as they are with themselves. I do think you should point out you won't sign up to be the third wheel, but I doubt it'll have any effect

This is spot on +1

silvervixen84

Don't agree to it, you'll probably regret it. I got duped into living with a couple and felt very isolated. It'll always be two on one when it comes to decisions, bills, what to watch on tv etc. Also, they would take over the living room and even asked that I not go in there one evening as they had a romantic evening planned (it was an open plan kitchen & living room).

I got out of there and felt so much happier!

strobe

"John, man, you know I love Mary. She's sound. I mean she's already over here four nights a week (*pause and give him the death stare from hell* {not really}) and I haven't had an issue with it. But would you live in a three person house share with a couple? Don't be daft man, stop acting the bollox".

Sir Oxman

Just no, OP.
Never.

And I'd be a bit annoyed with the 4 nights a week as well unless they keep to themselves in his room.

Just NO!

Shrap

strobe wrote: »

"John, man, you know I love Mary. She's sound. I mean she's already over here four nights a week (*pause and give him the death stare from hell* {not really}) and I haven't had an issue with it. But would you live in a three person house share with a couple? Don't be daft man, stop acting the bollox".

+1000