Ground hog day

LegacyUser

Wife and my mother never got along since day 1. Bit of background on me - I grew up in a very modest house - parents separated years. Wife's family are 'normal' - parents married, wealthy but lead a peculiar existence - each one has their own life. Wife's family can be distant emotionally - have a real stiff upper lip mentality about them. Some of the situations in the past have been insensitive. Wife has refused to partake in a number of my family events - communions / conformations & 2 funerals of siblings of my mothers have gone unattended. Rarely visits my home - perhaps 2 or 3 times over the same number of years and even at that it's arrive late and depart early the next day - there always seems to be something to do or go to that never materializes. I visit alone with our child in order to keep contact with family and grandmother

Last Christmas culminated in me seeking counselling - it was my new years resolution as a number of issues had brewed up that needed resolution. I said it to my wife several times in the past that I wanted counselling and she was always reluctant - an argument in April in which she broke a wine glass expedited this.

Counselling got a few things out in the open but never really concluded the issues I felt - I was totally honest. I've always got he feeling my family were never good enough and this has been eating at me, also my wife's non-existent relationship with my mother was bizarrely an enactment of the issues she had with her own mother (she has admitted this) but never got to express them. There had been some situations in the past where my own mother came across as being ungrateful or needy - my wife has taken these to heart and really taken them personally. Some of these have been over a decade ago but she still harbours a grudge.

So this year it's ground hog day again - I swear every year we'll head away just to get away from the stress. We're staying put for Christmas in our own house and gpoing to my inlaws Stephens day- I haven't been to my family in years but this year I'm insisting we go St Stephens day after my in-laws so I can socialise with my own family. I can feel the resentment already - it was discussed tonight and she got animated about it being 'all about me'. I merely said that I have family too, and I'm entitled to see them - it would be normal to split the days you see family anyway. So just under 4 weeks to go and it's an issue. Wife starting to dig in - I usually give in to ease the tension, but this year I'm sticking to my guns. I'm going to my family Stephens day.

Shrap

Oh, you sound so very stressed, you poor thing Christmas is such a woeful time of year when there are any major communication issues in a family - the obligation to put on a show for family is a massive strain.

Sounds to me like putting your foot down about St.Stephen's day is a bit of a line in the sand for you and that you don't often make lines in the sand. In fact, it comes across as so unusual that you put your foot down because your wife comes across as an emotionally immature bully, to be blunt.

I imagine that you are already questioning your judgement on telling your wife that things are going to go to your plan on St.S's. She is already manipulating you into changing your mind by her low level strop about it, and I'm sure you are predicting a proper strop followed by (if she goes) her sitting at your parents with a face like a slapped arse, showing everyone how uncomfortable she feels?

OP, to be honest I think you are living in an emotionally abusive marriage. You have tried to encourage her to address your relationship problems and she refused, but it's all there still under the surface (with Xmas as the "ideal" time for the issues to raise their ugly heads). Of course, you'll make every attempt to smooth the water so your child will have a fab Xmas, and so you can survive the in-laws and your own parents, but I imagine you're not sure she will have the same respect for you or your family.

You've called the thread Ground-hog day. Good name. I suggest you make a New Year's resolution to decide not to live this way any more OP, whatever it takes - counselling/putting your foot down more/actually leaving - but it sounds like you'll have to be the grown-up one about it all. I sincerely hope you can have as peaceful a Christmas as possible, and I sincerely hope you stop living this way after New Year.

Taltos

OP as well as the counselling - which I hope you are cointinuing maybe look into contacting AMEN.ie
It might be useful to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation as you.

Personally I think it would be great if you both could go to counselling together, but unless this is something she really wants it will all be one-sided and may not be as helpful as you both working at saving the marriage. The reason I put this out there is that right now - your marriage seems all one sided with some passive-aggressive control thrown in, and while that can work for some couples it does not seem to be really giving you what you need out of this union. You really only have a few options if you break it down.

1. Continue as is - and try to deal with your ever growing resentment at missing time from your family.
2. Work at it - through counselling/negotiation, but this only stands a chance of success if you both accept you have a part to play, I mean if you have been enabling her control for years right now you will be seen as the problem by her, despite just wanting a good relationship with your own family.
3. Cut your losses - if you can't live like this and if there is no chance for improvement then maybe you need to start considering an exit plan. Don't rush into this, talk to legal, get advice and ensure your relationship with your children is protected and you have enough resources for yourself and support if you are the primary earner.

Sorry OP.

SeventySix

Why does your wife need to have a relationship with your mother or vice versa. I mean, in an ideal world they would get on but really it hardly matters. Some people are just not going to get along and while you can expect them to be polite to each other, you cant force more than that.

However, you shouldn't let your wife stop you visiting your mother or taking your children to visit. So i would say visit on St Sephens day, take your child, and leave your wife to do her own thing.

Rubberchikken

it's good that you're going for counselling.
i realise it's sad that your wife doesn't get on with your mother, but i also find that type of behaviour from adults to be petty and spiteful.
maybe it's the way some people are brought up, but nevertheless, what does it take to be civil and polite to your husband's family and to realise that he would want to/need to spend time with his parent and siblings too?

ShowMeTheCash

I personally would not see the importance of my wife and my family having a relationship nor would see the importance of me having a relationship with hers.

Granted it might be nice but my family consists of my wife and kids not my parents, siblings or other extended members.

As much as I can see your point of view I can also see the point of view of perhaps your wife.

Just out a matter of interest.

How close are you from your family?
How close are you from your wifes family?

You also mention you think your family was never good enough however you also mentioned she has a non-existing relationship with her own family??

LegacyUser

SeventySix wrote: »

Why does your wife need to have a relationship with your mother or vice versa. I mean, in an ideal world they would get on but really it hardly matters. Some people are just not going to get along and while you can expect them to be polite to each other, you cant force more than that.

My wife is downright rude and hostile towards my mother - I'm not expecting them to be bosom buddies, out getting their nail and hair done etc, but a bit of civility would go a long way. So when my elderly mother visits us, perhaps offer to collect her from the train station, rather than expecting her to get the bus to our house (she also suffers from a long term illness that limits her mobility) and making a big seal when I drive to collect her, and if I need to top up her phone when she's away, well so what - it happens once in a blue moon. And if I want to bring my mother out for lunch the odd time, so what - it's usually a carvery or something like that - not Michelin star restaurants.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I personally would not see the importance of my wife and my family having a relationship nor would see the importance of me having a relationship with hers.

Granted it might be nice but my family consists of my wife and kids not my parents, siblings or other extended members.

As much as I can see your point of view I can also see the point of view of perhaps your wife.

Well I would consider my in laws extended family - when we got married we welcomed each other into the family. That's the spirit of marriage among other things. Again I'm not suggesting you should live in your in-laws ears, but a bit of civility is also required - sure, I don't like or get along with certain members of her family, but I would not be openly hostile towards them, or put them down.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Just out a matter of interest.

How close are you from your family?
How close are you from your wifes family?

You also mention you think your family was never good enough however you also mentioned she has a non-existing relationship with her own family??

Physically we live at either end of the country. My wife's own family similarly - we live in a city and each of the families of from the country.

In terms of me feeling me or my family is never good enough, this would be purely in financial terms - so not having a fancy house, nice car, private schooling, etc. I came from very modest circumstances and this always seems to be a bug bear. So there would be no money on my side of the family - so have had to fend for myself financially from a very young age - education, clothing, travel, etc.

December2012

You absolutely have the right to pull your wife up on rudeness to your mother. But are you going about this in the correct way? Are your family rude to her?

Could you talk to a counsellor before Christmasabout this? And would your wife?