Eternally single!

JulieBooley

Hi everyone! I am not totally sure what I am looking for in posting this to be honest, perhaps advice, perhaps some encouragement, who knows!
I have recently turned 39 and I suppose as 40 approaches now I have been thinking a lot about my life. I have never had a loving, long term relationship. In the past I went many years without so much as kissing a man and following that I allowed myself to be used by men or accepted being treated in less than nice ways. But I did extensive therapy over the last few years (to help me deal with Bipolar Disorder) and that really helped me see more clearly that, despite what I had thought previously, I am not unlovable. I certainly have my flaws (who doesn't!) but I think I am a good person with a lot of love to give to the right person. My friends (male and female) say I have everything going for me and that, though they felt in the past I had an invisible wall around me that put men off, they feel I am now happier and more relaxed and open to meeting someone than ever before.
I have wonderful family and friends and my job is really rewarding and I love it. I have a decent social life (which has lessened a bit in recent years as my friends have settled down) and, despite a long history of depression, am actually a naturally happy person with an optimistic and positive approach to life. I have had the nickname "giggles" for years and one mate says that apart from my mother I am the smiliest person in the world, which I think is very sweet.
My point is, I am so lucky to have a really good life and in most respects I feel very happy and content. However, I crave love and intimacy with someone special. I am not looking for a fairy tale and, seeing some friends around me in unhappy marriages, I would rather be living life as it is now than settle for someone who I do not love or does not love me. Yet, when I do meet someone (I have tried the usual friends of friends, dating online etc) it is like panic clicks in and I am overcome with a desperate hope that this will be "it"! Even as I type I realise that is mad and only makes men run away. Also, I was dating someone earlier in the year and he contacted me last week to ask could we try again. I was delighted as I always felt he was lovely and there was a connection with us but he texted today to say he had changed his mind and wants to be single. I feel like I will be single forever and though I know there are worse things in life, I want nothing more than to meet someone where we are right together and can build a future. I am sorry for the rant. I just feel lost and alone. I have so much love in my heart and think I am a good person and need to work out why nobody wants to be with me and why I attract (or am attracted to) men who don't want what I do. Sorry for this being so long.

CaraMay

Op you sound lovely and what a fab nickname. Ignore that upper from earlier in the year - what a tool!!!

I was single at your age and up to turn had been dying to meet someone. I met lots of frogs and eventually gave up l hope and just suited myself. I dated lots of guys, entertained none of them and tbh just suited myself. I had my heart and mind closed off to ever meeting someone and then I did.

I think you need to give up, be happy with your lot and truly happy. I had decided to accept my life as it was and to enjoy every minute and I did. I had the best time of my life. Let 'the dream' go so you are free to enjoy the moment. This is very attractive to others and while I had this attitude I was constantly in demand

It's hard to do but the only way to not come across as desperate is not to be desperate. You will get there so just enjoy yourself.

Btw you are not eternally single - you are single right now!!! You might meet mr right on the bus home tonight so think positively

LegacyUser

JulieBooley wrote: »

Also, I was dating someone earlier in the year and he contacted me last week to ask could we try again. I was delighted as I always felt he was lovely and there was a connection with us but he texted today to say he had changed his mind and wants to be single. .

I realise there's a longer history to how you feel right now, but if this is the particular event that has thrown you into a tailspin, don't let it. That was an especially cruel thing to do and it reflects extremely badly on him, not you.

If there is a lesson to be learned from it, it's to look after your own happiness rather than enthusiastically throw yourself into something that hasn't proved itself worthwhile yet, in this case a relationship that had already failed once. Finding someone who's right for you is a wonderful thing, but give it time to be right before getting too invested so you won't panic, scare him or yourself and go through a bust if it doesn't work out.

Ande1975

Hi OP,

I know exactly where you are coming from. Turning 40 can be a big deal for some. You reflect back on your life and figure out where you are. When you are not where you want to be it can be scary as hell.

I turned 40 last year and its been the crappiest year of my life (let me say though I made it crap for myself). The thing you have to remember is you are no different after the fact. So take turning 40 out of the equation. There is no time limit for meeting the right person.

I met one of my friends recently who had a baby a few months ago. She is 40. She told me she was the youngest patient at her doctors. I thought she was pulling my leg but she wouldn't lie and she isn't the first person to say it.

You are coming on strong because you are panicking. No need to panic. You have all the time in the world. I am single and under no pressure whatsoever.

It all works out.
Take care.

Saralee4

Ande1975 wrote: »

I met one of my friends recently who had a baby a few months ago. She is 40. She told me she was the youngest patient at her doctors. I thought she was pulling my leg but she wouldn't lie and she isn't the first person to say it.

OP, its not that odd anymore to be 40 and single. 40 is like the new 30

You sound lovely OP and like Cara May said, you will meet a lot of frogs along the way but you seem to be in a really good place right now so just enjoy dating and go on lots of dates and have fun but try not to get too emotionally involved too soon and just enjoy the dates for what they are in the moment.

JulieBooley

I just want to thank all of you for your lovely, kind words and positivity and encouragement. When I posted I was so worried I would be ridiculed so your kindness really means a lot.
And you have all given me wise advice. I do realise that being desperate comes across as clearly as if I were to wear a neon sign on my forehead! I need to relax and enjoy life and stop fretting about what I feel is lacking in my life when I have so much to be thankful for.

CaraMay

JulieBooley wrote: »

I just want to thank all of you for your lovely, kind words and positivity and encouragement. When I posted I was so worried I would be ridiculed so your kindness really means a lot.
And you have all given me wise advice. I do realise that being desperate comes across as clearly as if I were to wear a neon sign on my forehead! I need to relax and enjoy life and stop fretting about what I feel is lacking in my life when I have so much to be thankful for.

Op it's one if life's toughies. Love is the one thing we can't force and in fact it works against us when we try to. Know your own worth. Any guy would be lucky to get you and remember that. Enjoy yourself!!