Advice needed, tricky situation

wahwahjimi

Hi all, just looking to get a little perspective on things. Here's a little background:

I'm 25 and am recently out of a 5+ year relationship. Breaking up with my ex was a very tough decision, but I felt it was the best thing for both of us. I just didn't love her any more and didn't want to be with her anymore as it wasn't fair on either of us. She was a lovely girl and was devastated. I broke her heart and hurting her like that will haunt me. However, I have no regrets, I have never been happier and very shortly afterwards, I got a job offer abroad, which I took.

I was planning just to enjoy myself, meet new people go on dates etc. Got on the Tinder bandwagon too, and I'm really enjoying my new found single-ness.

I met one girl who I'm very fond of. She's gorgeous and sweet and I love hanging out with her and sleeping with her. I absolutely DO NOT want a girlfriend or a committed relationship as I am not ready to jump in again. I have explained this to her, and she said that's fine.

However, I get constant messages from her and I know myself that she is falling for me. I'm not sleeping around, but I am seeing other girls, and none of them appear as into me as this girl. I know deep down that I'll break her heart eventually.

My question is- should I do her a favour and break it off now before she gets in too deep? Breaking my exes heart was so hard, and I really don't want to go through the guilt again!

Or should I just enjoy it and trust her when she says she's fine? She's an adult after all, and I did warn her that I was not looking for a relationship. I would actually be happier if she was seeing other men! And we really do enjoy each others company.

What do you all think? Am I overthinking it?

Thanks in advance!

kylith

I'd recommend getting out before she gets in too deep, and the longer you'll leave it the harder it'll be. It's possible that she honestly thinks that it's cool and she can handle in, or it's possible that she thinks that eventually you'll come around and the two of you will be a couple. Either way, if you think it's getting more serious than you'd like end it before it goes too far.

Tilly

wahwahjimi wrote: »

However, I get constant messages from her and I know myself that she is falling for me. I'm not sleeping around, but I am seeing other girls, and none of them appear as into me as this girl. I know deep down that I'll break her heart eventually.

My question is- should I do her a favour and break it off now before she gets in too deep? Breaking my exes heart was so hard, and I really don't want to go through the guilt again!

One word answer for this - Yes

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Or should I just enjoy it and trust her when she says she's fine? She's an adult after all, and I did warn her that I was not looking for a relationship. I would actually be happier if she was seeing other men! And we really do enjoy each others company.

End it now. You know she's falling for you and you wont be falling for her so it's not fair on her.

wahwahjimi

Thanks for the quick replies.

Just a little further info- I'm living both geographically and culturally very far from Ireland, so I don't know much about the dating etiquette here.

We've only been seeing each other just over three weeks, and despite my attempts to put brakes on it, things on her end still seem to be moving pretty quick.

When I saw the signs that she was falling for me, I told her to be totally honest with me and let me know if she was starting to feel serious so we could talk about it. I have been 100% totally honest with her from the start and really tried not to lead her on.

One minute I think I should end it, and the next I think I have nothing to worry about as she knows exactly how I feel and can make her own decisions. I feel it would be a shame to end it prematurely.

Thanks again for the above replies, just trying to get an outside perspective on things.

jopax

Hi there, i would agree with the other posts.
She obviously is very into you, its admirable that you have been so honest with her.
However sometimes people can't help falling in too deep which seems to be in her case.
I think for her sake try & end it as gently as you can.
Fair play to you for being so honest, enjoy your new found freedom.

Tasden

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Thanks for the quick replies.

Just a little further info- I'm living both geographically and culturally very far from Ireland, so I don't know much about the dating etiquette here.

We've only been seeing each other just over three weeks, and despite my attempts to put brakes on it, things on her end still seem to be moving pretty quick.

When I saw the signs that she was falling for me, I told her to be totally honest with me and let me know if she was starting to feel serious so we could talk about it. I have been 100% totally honest with her from the start and really tried not to lead her on.

One minute I think I should end it, and the next I think I have nothing to worry about as she knows exactly how I feel and can make her own decisions. I feel it would be a shame to end it prematurely.

Thanks again for the above replies, just trying to get an outside perspective on things.

Honestly, the fact you're questioning it kind of shows that all is not perfect. She's obviously giving you reason to doubt that she is ok with it or she expects more so its probably best to end it for everyone involved.

LegacyUser

I'm going against the grain, but I think if you have told her in no uncertain terms that there's a limit to the relationship, you've stuck to that boundary and not let her believe things might change in the future, you've made it clear that she shouldn't make plans for a future together and you've asked her to let you know the moment her feelings change, then it's up to her to decide if she wants to carry on or not.

If you think her feelings are growing, then maybe check with her and make a decision after that. If she's gone off script, then you don't need the bad feeling of stringing someone along and you know what you have to do. If you're convinced she has a handle on it, understands what she's getting into, she's still happy with things as they are and sees there's no future, then why give up something you're both enjoying?

R.D. aka MR.D

When you say you've been totally honest, have you told her that you are seeing other people?

As someone else said maybe she hopes that you will change your mind. let her know again in no uncertain terms that you don't feel anything for her beyond a fling. You're just going to have to be cruel to be kind here.

Shrap

wahwahjimi wrote: »

I met one girl who I'm very fond of. She's gorgeous and sweet and I love hanging out with her and sleeping with her. I absolutely DO NOT want a girlfriend or a committed relationship

wahwahjimi wrote: »

I feel it would be a shame to end it prematurely.

My 2cents. You can't have it every which way OP. I mean that in spite of you being totally upfront, and she accepting that, human nature often gets in the way of no strings attached relationships particularly when both parties "love hanging out" together and sleeping together.

If you don't end it now that you're feeling that she is investing too much for your liking, then what exactly are you continuing it for? She's prettier/more fun to hang out with/better in bed than the other girls? Is that the reason it would be a shame to end it "prematurely"? Ouch. Do her the favour of having some respect, not only for her feelings but for respecting your own criteria around not wanting a relationship. You're breaking your own rules for a reason, and it appears pretty selfish to me. Go have some fun with girls who don't care enough to text you and make you feel special.

Edit: BTW, there's nothing wrong with having fun, don't get me wrong! Just abide by your own rules, for everybody's sakes. You don't want a relationship, so you'll have to toughen up about letting girls go when you see the danger signs. Otherwise, you're just a player.

osarusan

I'd guess she's still with you despite the warnings as she hopes you'll change.

You can say that you don't want a relationship all you want, but if you stay with her as it becomes a relationship (from her perspective at least), you will end up hurting her anyway.


It's foreseeable that this will happen, so if you are worried about hurting her, let her go now.

DoYouEvenLift

How do you know she's falling for you? Unless she tells you so don't just assume she is. She told you it's fine that you don't want a girlfriend so trust what she said and carry on like normal. If she talks to you and tells you she's getting feelings, that's when you end it.

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Thanks for the quick replies.

Just a little further info- I'm living both geographically and culturally very far from Ireland, so I don't know much about the dating etiquette here.

We've only been seeing each other just over three weeks, and despite my attempts to put brakes on it, things on her end still seem to be moving pretty quick.

When I saw the signs that she was falling for me, I told her to be totally honest with me and let me know if she was starting to feel serious so we could talk about it. I have been 100% totally honest with her from the start and really tried not to lead her on.

One minute I think I should end it, and the next I think I have nothing to worry about as she knows exactly how I feel and can make her own decisions. I feel it would be a shame to end it prematurely.

Thanks again for the above replies, just trying to get an outside perspective on things.

That's exactly how you should feel. You're both adults and you have made a strong effort to communicate your intentions and she knows exactly where you stand. If she's thinking otherwise and not telling you about it honestly, then that's up to her to deal with.

wahwahjimi

Hi,

Thanks again for all your replies. I'm glad to get differences of opinion too, because it means I'm not crazy and that there is no real clear cut right or wrong.

Just to say, I am by no means a player and I do have the utmost respect for this girl and her feelings. I do think she is a smashing girl, and to reiterate I have broken up with someone recently, and it really is not an experience I would like to repeat.

I suppose I can't say for 100% whether she is really falling for me, but my instinct says she is.

And I agree that I am trying to have my cake and eat it too.

I suppose that the timing is wrong because I know that 100% I do not want a relationship at the moment, but I may feel differently in a few months. I will of course not tell her this as I don't want to string her along.

I don't want a relationship because I want the freedom to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone elses happiness, and I can go and do the things I want to do. My reluctance to commit is NOT because I want to sleep with loads of girls, I was never much of a ONS person, and I'm enjoying meeting new people every week. It's a great way to explore my new city.

I've only known this girl three weeks, and it's been great. If I break it off now and tell her "I'm sorry to do this but I feel you're getting too invested" and she says "No I'm not, we agreed we'd talk about our feelings if they arose", then it seems that would be an awful waste.

I'd be interested to get a female perspective, as I suppose the real question is "Can I trust her to tell me when it's getting serious on her side?" What are the signs to look out for and has anyone been in a similar position?

I'm at a loss.

Thanks again for all the advice so far. I will certainly take it into consideration. I am out here alone and don't have close friends to advise me, so all opinions are appreciated.

Dr. Lollington

Hi There,

I'm a girl and in response to your post above, my perspective is that it's not up to you to worry about her investment in this.

You've been honest so far and explained that you're not looking for anything serious (fair play btw, I respect that and not enough people do it), so the onus is on her to listen to that and decide for herself how invested she allows herself to become.

You're not leading her on. It's true that she might end up getting hurt because she was secretly hoping for more, but really she'd only have herself to blame. She might learn a hard life lesson which is no bad thing either!!

Just enjoy it for now and continue exploring your new city and all the joys that tindr has to offer. You've done nothing wrong and deserve your freedom after a long relationship ending.

Have fun!

Ann84

I think it will end in tears.
If you want to be single, be single. I think you should take responsibility for what you want, you can't have it every way...

If you want to be single, there is nothing wrong with that at all, but actions are read louder than words and if you spend time with this girl dating her and spending time being happy and sleeping with her even while saying you don't want a relationship...
I think you'll mess her around, if I was her I'd be thinking 'oh he must like me, otherwise why would he spend so much time with me...'
It seems a little selfish to me, I don't understand really why your in this situation at all if you want to be single...?!

CaraMay

You only know her 3 weeks. How much hanging out with her and sleeping with her can you have done? I think you are jumping the gun here

DoYouEvenLift

Ann84 wrote: »

I think it will end in tears.
If you want to be single, be single. I think you should take responsibility for what you want, you can't have it every way...

If you want to be single, there is nothing wrong with that at all, but actions are read louder than words and if you spend time with this girl dating her and spending time being happy and sleeping with her even while saying you don't want a relationship...
I think you'll mess her around, if I was her I'd be thinking 'oh he must like me, otherwise why would he spend so much time with me...'
It seems a little selfish to me, I don't understand really why your in this situation at all if you want to be single...?!

Don't really understand this to be honest. He's made it perfectly clear that he sees no relationship with her happening and has also told her to let him know if her feelings change. He's basically in a friends with benefits situation which aren't meant to be a serious thing, if she's not okay with this then she is totally free to do what they agreed upon and speak about it.


Op, are you in Asia also by any chance?

wahwahjimi

Hi all,

Yeah, I suppose is it a friends with benefits (although I hate the term) thing I was hoping for.

And yes, I am in Asia!

I could be jumping the gun, but I have seen her a good bit over the last three weeks, and it's just a feeling/instinct I get that she might be hoping for more. That's really all I'm going on: constant affectionate text, constant requests to meet up (to do platonic things!), sweet little messages during the day, etc.

Idle Passerby

wahwahjimi wrote: »

constant affectionate text, constant requests to meet up (to do platonic things!), sweet little messages during the day, etc.

That sounds like she either doesn't fully understand what you're after or she's ignoring it and hoping you'll change your mind. Either way, it looks like you are not on the same page. You could string it out for another few weeks or months but it would only be a case of diminishing returns. She's already looking for more than your interested in, she will only step that up the longer it goes on and that will only become annoying for you if your after casual fun.

Since its only been three weeks and you've already been upfront, Id say just stick to what you told her in the first place, ignore all the coupley stuff shes suggesting, she'll soon get the picture about what you want and what you don't and she can make her own mind up about if she wants to continue with it.

I think your concerns about the dating/dumping etiquette of the country your in is a cop-out. You got into this situation without knowing the etiquette, so follow the same instinct to get out of it if you want to.

Yurt2

wahwahjimi wrote: »

And yes, I am in Asia!

This sounds like Korean female early attachment syndrome. Don't sweat it too much, its a thing over there!

R.D. aka MR.D

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Hi all,

Yeah, I suppose is it a friends with benefits (although I hate the term) thing I was hoping for.

And yes, I am in Asia!

Listen, I'm female and in Asia so a lot of my male friends are 'that guy' so don't think I'm judging you harshly.

But seriously, you need to explain to these girls what you are doing. They are not used to that style of dating unless their MO is dating foreigners and are used to it.

Say in plain English: I am only interested in sex and I am seeing many other girls.

Otherwise, as another poster said, you are just a player and a player in Asia. You seem like a nice enough guy so I doubt that's what you are aiming for.

DoYouEvenLift

Kind of changes things if you're in Asia, like ^they said a lot of Asian countries aren't familiar with what'd be a more Western style of "dating" and are more traditional. In certain places it'd actually be a dangerous game to, what they would consider, "use" the local girls.

wahwahjimi

Hi all,

I just want to sincerely thank anyone who got back to me and gave me some sound advice.

My intention was never to be a player, or rack up notches on the bedpost. Rather I'm just trying to enjoy my new found freedom, but not at the expense of hurting someone.

I know what I have to do now, so thanks again for the help! Really appreciate all opinions.

Est28

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Hi all, just looking to get a little perspective on things. Here's a little background:

I'm 25 and am recently out of a 5+ year relationship. Breaking up with my ex was a very tough decision, but I felt it was the best thing for both of us. I just didn't love her any more and didn't want to be with her anymore as it wasn't fair on either of us. She was a lovely girl and was devastated. I broke her heart and hurting her like that will haunt me. However, I have no regrets, I have never been happier and very shortly afterwards, I got a job offer abroad, which I took.

I was planning just to enjoy myself, meet new people go on dates etc. Got on the Tinder bandwagon too, and I'm really enjoying my new found single-ness.

I met one girl who I'm very fond of. She's gorgeous and sweet and I love hanging out with her and sleeping with her. I absolutely DO NOT want a girlfriend or a committed relationship as I am not ready to jump in again. I have explained this to her, and she said that's fine.

However, I get constant messages from her and I know myself that she is falling for me. I'm not sleeping around, but I am seeing other girls, and none of them appear as into me as this girl. I know deep down that I'll break her heart eventually.

My question is- should I do her a favour and break it off now before she gets in too deep? Breaking my exes heart was so hard, and I really don't want to go through the guilt again!

Or should I just enjoy it and trust her when she says she's fine? She's an adult after all, and I did warn her that I was not looking for a relationship. I would actually be happier if she was seeing other men! And we really do enjoy each others company.

What do you all think? Am I overthinking it?

Thanks in advance!

While I certainly wouldn't berate anyone for wanting casual dating and relationships, if that's what you want, you must be up front with it.

You seem to be leading the women to believe you are looking for someone but you're not and they are getting the wrong impression.

Its very underhanded. You get to sleep with them but don't come forth saying it will only be casual as you know some women would not sleep with you then.

njs030

What do you mean she's constantly texting? Do you reply, do you initiate texts and calls or is it all her?

I think she is hoping you'll change your mind. Spending time with her, sleeping with her and chatting constantly would make it seem like you're interested. She could just think you need time to get over your ex.

It's best to walk away and maybe if you do want a relationship you can contact her then.

wahwahjimi

Est28 wrote: »

While I certainly wouldn't berate anyone for wanting casual dating and relationships, if that's what you want, you must be up front with it.

You seem to be leading the women to believe you are looking for someone but you're not and they are getting the wrong impression.

Its very underhanded. You get to sleep with them but don't come forth saying it will only be casual as you know some women would not sleep with you then.

Hi thanks, for your input. But I feel I have to correct you.

Firstly, it's only one girl, not "women".

And I don't believe I'm leading anyone to believe anything. I have been completely upfront from the start and stated clearly that I'm not ready for a relationship. This was understood.

I have tried to make it as clear as possible that it will only ever be casual. I don't think I'm being underhanded.

She appears to not understand or hoping I'll change my mind. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm going to break it off.

But I can't be accused of not being upfront!

LegacyUser

I get what you're saying that you can't be accused of not being up front - but I think if you're replying to a lot of chatty texts, and doing any sort of couple outings/activities, then you can't fault the girl for thinking that you are interested.

In short, your actions say relationship even if your words do not.

R.D. aka MR.D

wahwahjimi wrote: »

And I don't believe I'm leading anyone to believe anything. I have been completely upfront from the start and stated clearly that I'm not ready for a relationship. This was understood.

This is not being straight forward. That kind of statement is open for interpretation between two people brought up in the same cultural context but when you are saying it to some one whose first language isn't English then it really can be ambiguous.

Does it mean not ready, this week? Does it mean not ready, ever? Does it mean not ready with me? Like do we need to go on 20 more dates and then you will be ready?

As i said, the fact that you came on here looking for advice means that you are not a bad guy. You are in Asia, where foreign men take advantage of women as a matter of course. High fiving over their conquests. :rolleyes:
You don't seem like that type so maybe some people are being a little harsh on you.

Gyalist

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Hi all,

Yeah, I suppose is it a friends with benefits (although I hate the term) thing I was hoping for.

And yes, I am in Asia!

I could be jumping the gun, but I have seen her a good bit over the last three weeks, and it's just a feeling/instinct I get that she might be hoping for more. That's really all I'm going on: constant affectionate text, constant requests to meet up (to do platonic things!), sweet little messages during the day, etc.

Look, you're giving the woman mixed messages. With your words you're saying that you want a casual relationship but with your actions, as stated in the post I quoted above, you're behaving like a boyfriend.

wahwahjimi

Hi, thanks again. This will be my last post here, as I know what I have to do now.

I'm quite a nice, gentle and caring guy by nature and I dont subscribe to the 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' philosophy.

The replies I got made me reflect and look back on my actions with this girl, and maybe I was 'too nice' in a way that made her think there was something more there.

While I have reiterated that I do not want a girlfriend or comitted relationship to her, my general nature may have given her other ideas. I probably came across as 'too nice' which she may have misinterpreted as romantic interest, despite what I was saying.

Lets call it inexperience after 5 long years out of the dating scene!

Some valuable lessons learned, so thanks for everyone who helped me out. Much appreciated.

rcarroll

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong. Just because you're casual doesn't mean you can't hang out or have to be a d'ck. In fact I've had many casual flings similar to yours and while yeah once or twice I ended it or they did due to feelings, if there's good clear communication the whole time, and honesty, then really I don't see why you can't hang and have sex...afterall if I don't like them enough to spend time with them then how could I end up in bed with them lol.

I think you'll find everybody handles fbuddy situations differently so they can cope, and some not at all...here there may be cultural and language barriers, and possibly sleeping with the locals can create problems...in that case maybr limit it to ppl from ur cultural background who are familiar with fbuddy set ups?