No friends, Lonely, scared of failing exams

LegacyUser

Hi,

I suppose the title sort of sums up what's going on right now. I'm a 19 year old lad in 1st year of college and since moving away to college in late August I've made no friends what so ever. Nobody from my school went to the college I'm at so that meant I had no friends at the start of the semester like other people had. I live with people who I get on well with particularly one of them however I feel this 'friendship' if it even is one will just end once this year is over and we're not living with each other any more.

My course is one that is mixed in with other courses alot which means my lectures are huge and even in tutorials its hard to get to know people as most people don't show up every week. I don't go home at the weekends mainly because of issues at home (it would take all night to explain). The only people I talk to everyday are either saying thanks to someone in a shop or the people I live with. At weekends I talk to nobody until Sunday evening when the people I live with come back.

The very first day of college we were divided into little groups of people from our course and 4th years from our course or different courses showed us around the college. I think that was the last time I actually talked to someone from my course.

I'm also terrified of failing my exams. I have been working consistently over the semester but I have a slight learning disability (that might actually explain my inability to make friends as well when I come to think of it) and it's one that I never got help with for the leaving cert either so I presumed I'd be able to deal with college work ok too. Passing these exams is something that I keep thinking of all the time. I have been putting so much effort into it but still feel like I could fail everything. I lie awake at night worrying about it.

I don't know how I can sort out everything thats wrong. I don't like drinking (and I don't have money for it) which automatically makes it harder to get to know people as it seems like everything is drink orientated. I am so anxious all the time and everything just feels horrible. What can I do to fix all of this? I want to have friends again, I don't want to be feeling lonely all the time and I want to stop worrying about exams 24/7.

Rubberchikken

i'm sorry you're feeling down.
but i see loads of positives in your post.
you're working hard despite a learning disability. you got your LC and entered college despit this too. that's great.

you get on with the people you're sharing with. not everyone gels with everyone else. and not everyone makes friends 'for ever' in their first semester, so go a little easy on yourself.
when you get the chance, chat to people.

did you join any societies? if not, i presume you could sign up, if not now, then in the new year.

pick something you're interested in, it's a great way to connect with others.

i realise home might not be the place to go every weekend, but if you have some friends in your home town, it might be nice to go back once in a while to meet up.

if you're very worried about your college work, talk to the year head (i might not have the right title!), they are there to help students and it might help allievate some of your worries.
also, there should be a college counsellor, so make an appointment with them for a chat if you feel the need.

above all, go easier on yourself, you're trying to do your best. good luck

Littlekittylou

I am sorry you are going though this.

Can you speak to a counselor at your college and ask to talk to your tutors etc?

You should feel proud for achieving what you have. Go easy on yourself. And if your college knows about the learning difficulty maybe they can provide support.

There are probably other students there in the same boat. And they possibly feel out of the loop too.

Talk to someone about anxiety and make try to de-stress each day. Exercise helps.

Join societies etc.

All you can do via exams is your best and you are doing that. :-)

You have accomplished a lot so give yourself a break.

aonb

OP. most of the 1st year students around you feel exactly the same way. They are all going home every weekend probably because they havent made friends in college yet, so are going home to their family and school friends at weekend. My daughter is in 1st year in college, she and her friends who are in 1st year all say making friends is the hardest thing to deal with.

Im sorry you cannot go home every weekend, what about getting a weekend job to help pass the time, make a few euro & meet some non-college people ? even 1 or 2 hours on saturday or sunday in a local shop/supermarket/cinema/cafe whatever?

Join some societies/clubs in the college. Make the effort to socialize with the folk you meet there. Even just to say "want to meet for a coffee later"
Join the gym - go there in the evenings and at the weekends. You will find other students there, stop and talk to them about the machines/their routine etc. Look on notice boards for things going on that you might like to attend.

Talk to a college counsellor, ask what there is available for students who cant go home at weekends - there are lots of international students in Irish colleges who are around all weekend .

Volunteer - there are animal shelters/hospices/charity shops/sports clubs that often look for volunteers. If you are in to sport, you might be able to help with a local junior sports club. Check out the notice boards in local supermarkets - there might be something going on locally that you could get involved with.
Would you babysit?

Its great that you are keeping up with your workload. Im not surprised you are anxious about exams etc. when you are not spending any time with other people - too much thinking to do. I wish you the very best, and hope you can get your social side of things going too.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for the replies.

I don't think I'd have time to get a job because I'm spending all my time at the minute keeping up with work for college.

I did join a club at the start of the semester but it really wasn't something that I felt comfortable going to every week. (I am really quite around strangers and it was like being thrown into the lions as it was dozens of strangers).

Deep down I know that I should go to the counsellor in college and I know you shouldn't be ashamed to go to a counsellor but I feel like that.

I never thought of volunteering and if I pass my exams and am still in college next semester I will look into it.

It's getting close to the exams and I'm literally terrified. My whole life is revolving around college and I need to pass these exams because there's no way I will have the opportunity to do another course or repeat.

I don't go home at the weekends because my dad has depression and I know this sounds selfish but I just want to stay away from it because sometimes it's horrible living with him when he gets bad.

aimzLc2

Lonely2587 wrote: »

I did join a club at the start of the semester but it really wasn't something that I felt comfortable going to every week. (I am really quite around strangers and it was like being thrown into the lions as it was dozens of strangers).

Deep down I know that I should go to the counsellor in college and I know you shouldn't be ashamed to go to a counsellor but I feel like that.

I never thought of volunteering and if I pass my exams and am still in college next semester I will look into it.

It's getting close to the exams and I'm literally terrified. My whole life is revolving around college and I need to pass these exams because there's no way I will have the opportunity to do another course or repeat.

I don't go home at the weekends because my dad has depression and I know this sounds selfish but I just want to stay away from it because sometimes it's horrible living with him when he gets bad.

Hey, i've just started first year too ,it is so hard to make friends.Many in my course go home as they haven't made many friends yet,its really normal! so it isn't something to worry about,you have plenty of time to make friends. I know its exams now but maybe next semester set a goal of talking to one new person each day/learning a new name.

You know you should go to the counsellor,thats why they are there!
Again so normal to feel that your life is revolving around the exams right now but it will pass.
Would any of your friends from your town come up to you in college for a while when exams are finished?
Definitely agree with the volunteering,there are a few opportunities around christmas time that you could try it before next semester.
Good luck,i hope college improves for you,it is an achievement to get into college so don't be too hard on yourself

SATSUMA

Ah you poor thing its terrible to feel lonely and stressed especially at exam time.

Go to the college counsellor, i know you feel wary of the idea but sometimes you have to try different things as what you are doing now isnt really working for you is it? If it eases your fear LOADS of students go to the counsellor at exam times so there will be plenty of people like you there. It may prove a relief just to talk to someone knowing there is no judgement and that its private. Go on i know you can do it.

Also, around exam time theres often mindfulness courses and things? Go to the SU for a look and ask whats on.

The new year is coming and it can be a fresh start for you where you know you have had the courage to make positive changes. You just need a little bit of support like the rest of us.

Best of luck

Rubberchikken

Hi Op
if you've put in the work the exams will hopefully go well. tbh worrying yourself excessively about them isn't going to help.

there is no shame in speaking to a college counsellor. that's what they are there for and are willing to listen and help with advice if needed.

also if you're so stressed about the work you're doing then a chat with the course head could allay your fears about the exams.
again, that's part of their job to have students talk to them if something is worrying them.

i'm sorry about your dad's situation and it must be difficult to be at home when he's unwell, but try not to let it stop you going home for a break. take care and good luck

Monkey61

Hi OP,

Re: the making friends in college thing - honestly, I know it seems like a big deal now, but you have barely started and I promise you are not the only person in the same boat. It depends where you go, but for myself and the majority of my friends, none of us made close or lifelong friends in college. I know you hear of it as if it is the done thing, but in Ireland, with people often going to college with school friends, or not moving out of home, we don't have the same "student culture" that other countries have where everyone moves into halls of residence and becomes best friends with their 20 neighbours immediately. Join a different club or society maybe? Or, and I know you said you don't have time, but honestly getting a job even for a few hours a week, is a brilliant way to make friends. Working in shops, bars or cinemas, people are usually dying to be friends with their coworkers and will introduce you to loads more people.

One thing really stood out in your post. You said that you get on really well with people you live with, especially one! That's brilliant! A lot of people don't even have that. You think this will fade when you aren't living together? Well then make the effort. One very important thing to learn is that friendships often take work. Being a "real friendship" does not mean that it is effortless to maintain. You have to work at it if circumstances don't throw you together. You have to invite people out, make time to see them etc. Often the best way to make new friends, is through existing friends. Can you not live with these people again next year? Why not? Why not ask?

xLisaBx

Hey op
You'd be surprised with the amount of people in a similar position, myself included.
It's incredibly difficult to keep on top of work, and making friends can be harder again
Pm me if you'd like to chat any time.

LegacyUser

Hi again, OP here.

Thank you all so much for the replies. It's so strange having people actually bothering to help.

I am planning on going to the counsellor/chaplain in college tomorrow but I don't know if I'll actually go ahead with it.

I keep thinking I'm going to be lonely forever and its horrible. I'd be walking places acting like everything's grand and in my head all I'm doing is worrying about things.

Thanks anyways for the replies and who knows going to the counsellor/chaplain tomorrow might change everything

Thank you.

Stavro Mueller

Why not go see the college counsellor today and decide that it if it's too much for you, you can get up and walk out? I think getting this off your chest would help you enormously and it'd be to someone who's a stranger and trained to deal with these issues. Some students do find college life very tough so you're not unusual in that. I know it'll take courage to walk through the counsellor's door but I think you'll be proud of yourself if you do it.H

whoopsadaisy

Hey OP, hate to bump up an old-ish thread but I just came across this browsing. I was in the same boat as you not that long ago. I felt like I was the only one struggling making friends.

Keep trying, try not overthink things, approaching people isn't as bad as you may think. Stick around college during the day, ask whoever you're sitting with if they're up for a coffee or if they're heading to the library after. Go to soc events. Hang around some more with your flatmates if you're getting on well with them, you might make the friendship more official so to speak, so you'll stay friends after. Get them to introduce you to their friends etc. And if you're still stuck, spend your free time in the library. Put the work in, do your best and hopefully the results will show. Go along to your lecturers/TAs office hours if you're struggling.

You mentioned the first day being divided into groups and being shown around by 4th years - are you in Trinity by any chance? Not sure if other colleges offer that same peer mentoring service but I have to say the S2S group have really helped me settle in. Our mentors have organised quite a few things and our group have even gone out together without the mentors and it really helped me settle. If your mentors organise things, you should go along, and if not I know an email was sent around giving the option to move to a more socially active group. Honestly, I know some S2S mentors do nothing with their groups but I'm really grateful for that service even existing because it really helped me.

Also if you are in Trinity feel free to pm me if you want to and we can even meet up in the next semester It'll get easier. Good luck.