Struggling with low self esteem and anxiety in college

LegacyUser

Regular user but going to go anon for this one. So I'm a young guy, only in 1st year of college and I'm struggling a lot with low self esteem and social anxiety. It's not crippling me, but I feel like I'm missing out a lot atm because of my problems. At the start I was shy, not like everybody is, but more like I didn't talk to any of my classmates for about the first month. It's getting slightly better now but I still have trouble talking to new people. I also have mild anxiety whenever I'm in crowded places. I avoid nights out and clubs because when I'm in a packed place, I start getting nervous, my hands shake slightly and I'm kinda scared of everybody because I don't know them. Whenever I'm in large groups I go silent, mostly because I don't want to say something wrong, I guess I'm quite fearful of rejection because I have trouble opening up to people or talkin about myself.

Anyway I'd just like to know what can I do to change this? I realise the ridiculousness of some of my issues but I just can't shake them off. I wish I was more like the other confident, outgoing lads who seem to make loads of friends, but I can't make myself like that.

Ave Sodalis

First of all OP, do not try and make yourself something you're not. Your last sentence struck me that you might be changing in order just to fit in?

I was exactly the same. In primary school, I did not talk except to answer the teacher's question and that was about it. In secondary school, it was a bit better as the years went on but I was still ridiculously quiet. In college, I came out of my shell a good bit. Now, my current bf and friends don't have any idea that I was ever struggling with talking to people, and I think they'd be shocked to find out it's still difficult for me to speak out. As for self esteem, it's been up and down. It was fine until I started getting bullied in secondary school so now I have my good days and my bad days.

In terms of social anxiety, there's only one real way of helping it and that's just making yourself talk, make yourself be heard even if it's rubbish you're speaking. Finding a good bunch of friends who want to listen to you helps too. This won't solve it overnight. In fact, I've taken several years and I'm still not over it. I don't think I ever will be, it's just who I am and I'm happy enough with that. I've done enough though, that it doesn't seem weird to me when people actually turn around when I say something. Also, you don't have to talk about yourself. I very rarely do because, like you, I hate talking about myself and I hate letting anyone in.

As for the self esteem, that's going to be a bit tougher. Therapy may help but I found that because I don't like talking, it's a bit useless. What I did find useful was mindfulness and meditation. This may not be everyone's cup of tea but I immersed myself in Buddhist practices (without actually becoming Buddhist, the whole veggie thing wasn't for me) and it helped a lot because they practice the self. I also frequently set myself small goals and constantly remind myself of any achievements I've gotten, no matter how small, such as getting the dog to sit. I do not let myself focus on the "oh well that was only because of..." or "that wasn't really me". It takes a fair bit of dedication but it's worth it. Again, like with the social anxiety, this isn't going to be fixed over night and, again, I'm still struggling with it, especially when I'm stressed, but it has never gotten as bad and I never feel as though I'm entirely worthless anymore.
It's also about accepting you for you. You are not anyone else, and you are very lucky not to be anyone else. You don't need to change for anyone, ever. If you do want to change, make sure it's because you want to do it, not because you feel you have to do it to fit in. Every single person is individual, and this is something society fails to see too often.

Don Kedick

That's a very good post by Sup Dude.

Just to add to the ideas listed. Counselling mighten't work for you or you mighten't want to do it but a good idea I got from it was to make a list of the situations that make you anxious. Then give each thing a rating from 1-10. 1 being something you're only slightly nervous about and 10 being your biggest fear. Then you should try to make your way through the list, doing the easier thing first and trying to work your way up. You can go as slowly as you want through that.

The thing I'd place at number 10 would be having to say a speech in front of people. I was told I should go to toastmasters which is a number of groups that practice speech making. I haven't gone near it yet but that could be an option for you. The other stuff that Sup Dude mentioned like mindfulness and meditation can be helpful but the main point I have to say to you is don't kick the can down the road.

Don't say oh I'll do some of this stuff later, I'm not ready to it now, I'll do college stuff first etc etc. You're going to have to do something about it and better sooner rather than later. I kept making excuses for myself and I'm only facing up to things now. I'm about 10 years older than you. It will be difficult, you have to really challenge yourself but you'll have a much better life if you overcome all this stuff.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice guys, I really appreciate it.

Yeah I'm going to try to slowly come out of my shell a bit. It's not something I want to do for other people, but I genuinely want myself to fit in with other people, even if I don't become the life and soul of the party. It's hard to force yourself to talk in a group sometimes, I usually get the feeling 'why say something if it doesn't matter', but I realise now that even saying something small will make me feel better. I've realised that some of my hobbies have vastly improved my confidence. I'm a regular gym-goer and I've noticed that when I started I wouldn't talk to anybody, but since I've made some great progress I've become more confident there and I'm always chatting to the regulars now. I know that won't fix my self esteem issues completely, but it's something which I've noticed makes me a more outward person, so maybe if I try some new hobbies and enjoy them, they'll help me gain some more belief in myself.

As for the anxiety, it's not crippling by any means, there are some situations where I'm around others and feel fine. It's just sometimes I get these bad thoughts in my head that everyone is looking at me and I get fearful that I'm doing something wrong. I would like to change that and maybe if I try to stop thinking these ideas or focus my attention somewhere else, it'll make it easier. I don't want to be going out every night of the week, but I would like to spend more time with classmates outside of classes and this seems like the best place to do it.

Rubberchikken

You want to do it for yourself, which is great and the right thing to do.
Start small. Talk to close friends. Ask questions- open ended ones. People love talking about themselves and love someone who'll listen.

The mire comfortable you get the easier it'll get and the more your confidence will rise.

Good luck