Not physcially attacted to BF :(

LegacyUser

Hi,
I know this problem pales in comparison to some of the issues on here so I feel a little stupid posting this but here I am none the less. I suppose the thread title sums up the whole situation quiet well. I don't want to post to many specifics as I know he posts on Boards ( but not this forum - I hope!) so I will keep it as vague as possible.

I have been going out with my BF just over two years now. I was never particularly attracted to him but we kind of clicked personality wise, which had never really happened with anyone in the past. We live in the same town so see each a lot. He is laid back and relaxed with me and I am the same with him. So apart from the odd argument we get on great. He gets on with my friends and I get on with his so everything is hunky dory.

I knew he wasn't a looker from day one. Not an ugly face but not a good body. I feel awful typing this but I just don't find his body attractive, not that I am a supermodel but it is becoming more of an issue in my head. My practical side says that I am lucky to have found someone who loves me and gets on with me but there is a voice in my head saying I could do better and the sex could be better too. I'm not sure what to think - am I just trying to sabotage myself or is it a genuine problem? My girlfriends are all happy with their boyfriends so I am kind of embarrassed to talk to them about it as they seem to be so perfectly happy. I'm just not sure what to do. It is not like I can say - hey Tom why don't you put down the Mars bar/stop working late and hit the gym! Not that he is fat, just not shaped attractively. I am going to stop typing now as I am confusing myself! I am getting more confused the more I think about it.

sozbox

I think that's a fair enough expectation really. The good news is a person can change their body shape. I'd suggest sitting down and having a conversation about changing his lifestyle, maybe to avoid this coming across as an attack you could lead by example and ask he supports your healthy eating lifestyle?

Either way I think if you guys click then it's worth trying to fix this, you just need to get him on board and that might involve some awkward conversations.

suicide_circus

Break up with him, I'm sure some other woman will find him attractive.

MagicMarker

sozbox wrote: »

I think that's a fair enough expectation really. The good news is a person can change their body shape. I'd suggest sitting down and having a conversation about changing his lifestyle, maybe to avoid this coming across as an attack you could lead by example and ask he supports your healthy eating lifestyle?

Either way I think if you guys click then it's worth trying to fix this, you just need to get him on board and that might involve some awkward conversations.

Erm, fix what exactly? It's the OP's issue, not the BF. If it was a man coming on here saying his girlfriend is not ''shaped'' attractively he would be torn to pieces.

OP, do your BF a favour and break up with him.

banquo

You could take up exercise / gym going together?

woodchuck

I agree that there isn't anything here that can be 'fixed'. OP you said yourself that he's not even fat, just that you're not attracted to his body 'shape'. Sounds to me like you prefer more muscular men, and your OH just isn't like that? Even if you did talk to him about that, I don't see why self respecting person would try to change themselves to suit the person they're with. It might be different if he was like that when you'd met and he'd let himself go, but he's always been that way, so why should he change now?

I'm sorry OP, but I think you know what you have to do...

LegacyUser

What's you're body like OP? If you like to train then it could be as simple as offering him to come along with you when you train. If not, then what are you complaining about? The same way you like a nice, muscular, ripped man, he likes a slim, attractive girl, but he's willing to let go of these fantasies because that's what they are, fantasies. Do him a favour and break up with him, the longer this goes on, the worse it will get. I'm sure he'll find plenty of other women who won't judge him on something so minor as his body shape.

charlietheminxx

I don't know how you've allowed yourself to be in a relationship for 2 years with someone you aren't attracted to. You're clearly looking for security and support from the relationship as opposed to being with him because you're crazy about him. Even if he did have your ideal body shape, the chemistry clearly isn't there. You are both getting short changed in the relationship so end it now.

LegacyUser

Don't feel bad op, you just aren't compatible

i once dated a guy who like you we got along brilliantly he was a lovely guy and my friends loved him but the sex was awful because i just wasn't attracted to him you reminded me of it when you said:

embarsedxxx wrote: »

but there is a voice in my head saying I could do better and the sex could be better too.

because that is the voice i heard in my head too,

i broke up with him, obviously i was tactful about it and put all the blame (rightfully) on me, he asked that we not speak for a few weeks while he got his head around things so we did that,

a few months later we bumped into each other again, and again got on brilliantly but the attraction was still not there (for both of us this time around) and we agreed to just be friends, as it turned out he had just met a girl he is now married to, and he set me up with his friend, who is now my husband who i am VERY attracted to AND we get on brilliantly too, i am still friends with the guy but looking back for me, thats all we ever were, just good friends.

so lesson to be learned although people may call you shallow for breaking up with a "great guy" because the sex is bad, if the sex is bad, it's an indication of a problem, if that problem is lack of attraction, that can not be "Fixed" and if i had not broken up with him, who knows we both could be miserable together today instead of happily married to different more compatible people.

Rubberchikken

you sound more like really good friends than people who are in love and want to spend their lives together.
so as a good friend , talk to him. it will probably be awful to do and he may feel hurt, but better to have this out now rather than waste more of your life and his.

good luck

dudara

@letsgetloud - if you can't post helpfully, then don't post. Take the time to read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Dellnum

I think if you loved this guy enough his body would not be a turn off. None of us have a perfect body. We could all do better in our imagination if we had a perfect partner, but what are the odds of finding someone who is perfect ? I feel that you are blaming this guy's body as an excuse for thinking that he is not the right guy for you. The very fact that you are being influenced by your thoughts on this OP means that this guy is not the right guy for you. As was said above, best for him to find someone who does find him attractive, and for you to find someone else.

StormWarrior

People are being really harsh on the OP, and trying to imply that she is shallow. She clearly isn't, since she's been dating this bloke for his personality's sake. You can't will yourself to be attracted to someone if you just don't fancy them. And I don't think it will do much good trying to get him to stop eating junk and going to the gym - he clearly isn't into that and if he's pressured into it, it won't last long. It's not fair on you settling for someone who isn't doing it for you, and it's not fair on him being put up with despite you not fancying him. I think deep down you know you want to break up with him and you've come on here for validation. Well, you're right. It sounds like you two should just be friends. After all, what is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? It's basically two people who are great friends and fancy each other and have sex. You don't fancy him or want to have sex with him, so you should just be friends. If he is turning you off sexually now, it's only going to get worse, it will not get better.

Rachiee

It sounds to me that the issue isn't you are not attracted to him physically but more that you don't love him. If you are in a relationship long haul nobodys body will stay perfect for the duration. If you love someone you don't see them that way and they look beautiful to you and you want to connect with them physically anyway.
If you don't love him after two years I doubt you ever will. It sounds like you're with him because he was in the right place at the right time and you enjoy spending time together and its safe. He might aswell be a plutonic friend. Without Love what have you got?

368100

MagicMarker wrote: »

Erm, fix what exactly? It's the OP's issue, not the BF. If it was a man coming on here saying his girlfriend is not ''shaped'' attractively he would be torn to pieces.

OP, do your BF a favour and break up with him.

Agreed, if the genders were reversed here the OP would be absolutely slated...OP, sounds like you let what should have been a friend become more.

Best thing you can do for his sake is break up with him but please don't ask him or let him think that you will remain friends afterwards, it doesn't work and it'll affect him moving on as he'll likely hold out hope that there's a relationship to salvage, speaking from experience it hurts more in the long run.

Penny Tration

I don't think the OP is shallow for not being sexually attracted to her partner. She has a preference, and that's fine. I'd say the same about a guy.

I do think, OP, that you've been horribly unfair to your boyfriend. You haven't been attracted to him since day one, but you've let this drag on for two years? Two years of not fancying someone you should by all rights love by now?

Leave him. You deserve to fancy your partner both emotionally and physically, and he deserves someone who loves and fancies him exactly as he is.

StripedBoxers

I agree with others here OP, you need to leave your boyfriend immediately.

Not being physically attracted to him is fine, but you shouldn't have entered into a relationship with him and allowed it to continue on for two years. It's very unfair on him. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned and he didn't find you attractive but went out with you anyway? Would you be OK with that, or would you be hurt?

Break up with him immediately, and don't say it's because he isn't attractive, that will destroy his confidence.

I don't know you how you've managed to stay with him for two years and not be attracted to him, I couldn't stay with someone I wasn't attracted to them. It's such a horrible thing to do in my opinion.

Stavro Mueller

My take on this is that you tried to ignore the nagging voice in your head about this relationship because there was so much about this guy that was great. You genuinely wanted to make it work but your doubts about it are getting harder to ignore. I'm a big believer in going with your gut feeling. I bet it's telling you that this is all wrong.

I know you don't relish the thoughts of breaking up with him but I think it's going to happen sooner or later. For both your sakes it'd be better if you end this now before talk of moving in together or engagement rings comes onto the horizon. It's going to hurt like hell but I can't see what the alternative is. You've given this relationship your best shot but if you're not feeling it now, you never will.

CaraMay

Op I don't understand how you could have been in a physical relationship with this guy for two years if you don't fancy him?? Are ye intimate? He sounds like a great guy and deserves to be with someone who wants to rip his clothes off. Finish with him and let him find her.

ash23

If you're not attracted to him the sex isn't going to be great no matter what he does really.

You're not shallow to not fancy him. However it is very very wrong of you to have started a relationship and continued with it when you don't find him attractive.

Time to end it and let him find someone who fancies the pants off him and his average body. And to let you find someone you are physically attracted to. Stop wasting your time and your boyfriends.

LegacyUser

Going anonymous for this post. OP I have recently been on the receiving end of this. Had been with GF for years. We broke up and tried again after a few months. It didn't work and I was pretty callously told that "I wasn't attractive". For the sake of your OH please be very very careful how you decide to tell him you aren't attracted to him. You have no idea how crushing it is to hear those words from a person you love or care about.

You have every right to be with someone you find attractive but you owe it to your OH to not tear him apart. Also if you do go with "I'm not attracted to you" approach be prepared to never hear from him again. I can honestly say that I'll never speak to me GF again after it. I don't need someone that cold in my life.

we'llallhavetea

there really is no point dragging this relationship on any longer, you tried, it isn't working. my boyfriend was in the same situation and it ended very badly because he didn't have the balls to break up with her, so he cheated. not good, horrendous actually and he is still carrying the weight of the guilt a year on.

ShowMeTheCash

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

I don't think the OP is shallow for not being sexually attracted to her partner. She has a preference, and that's fine. I'd say the same about a guy.

I do think, OP, that you've been horribly unfair to your boyfriend. You haven't been attracted to him since day one, but you've let this drag on for two years? Two years of not fancying someone you should by all rights love by now?

Leave him. You deserve to fancy your partner both emotionally and physically, and he deserves someone who loves and fancies him exactly as he is.

No the OP is shallow, I think perhaps you should look up what shallow means.

To be shallow is to be superficial, superficial refers to out exterior our outside.
You do not like how he looks thats it, the OP is shallow.

But so are a lot of people.
I find it annoying when don't call things for what they are!

If you are not happy then you are not happy, but asking him to get in shape??
He might request you are less shallow...

Penny Tration

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

No the OP is shallow, I think perhaps you should look up what shallow means.

To be shallow is to be superficial, superficial refers to out exterior our outside.
You do not like how he looks thats it, the OP is shaellow.

But so are a lot of people.
I find it annoying when don't call things for what they are!

If you are not happy then you are not happy, but asking him to get in shape??
He might request you are less shallow...

I'm fully aware of what shallow means. You cannot force yourself to be physically attracted to someone you're not attracted to. It's not shallow. It's impossible to shag a personality.

Est28

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

I'm fully aware of what shallow means. You cannot force yourself to be physically attracted to someone you're not attracted to. It's not shallow. It's impossible to shag a personality.

Totally agree.

Not being attracted to someone doesn't make you shallow or bad in any way. Everyone has preferences and opinions and if we didn't, we'd all just date anybody. The people claiming these things are the people who are insecure themselves and are probably the same who get all crazy and depressed and offended if they chat to a guy/girl who is not interested instead of just taking it on the chin and moving on and trying with someone else.

What's irking people here are two things though which is why the OP is taking some heat:
- It's been 2 years. It's time to let it go. Now I CAN understand situations where you think someone's personality and how you click really COULD overcome this and infact the OP can be COMMENDED for being the complete opposite in this regard and giving this guy every chance due to his personality. However, at 2 years, if the attractiveness thing is STILL on her mind, it will only grow more over time and not fade, so probably time to let things go.
- As some have already mentioned, we've seen threads where a guy would say his GF has put on some weight and be torn to shreds. We're not even speculating here, just look back the pages of this forum... so yeah, thats going to rub a lot of the guys on here the wrong way when such double standards are shown between whether it's a guy or girl saying these things. So at the end, everyone here won't agree on that so it's hardly worth the effort arguing. But it IS what will lead to some extreme reactions on here.

ShowMeTheCash

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

I'm fully aware of what shallow means. You cannot force yourself to be physically attracted to someone you're not attracted to. It's not shallow. It's impossible to shag a personality.

No it appears you are not aware go look at a dictionary, what you are describing is the definition of shallow.

If I say "I like a girl she is nice good personality but I would not engage in a relationship with her or I am breaking up with her because she is too fat" then my reasons for doing so are completely shallow. Now that is my choice and the reasons maybe important to me but they are still shallow!

But I see you benchmarking an entire relationship on sexual attraction, good luck with that!

It is what it is...

People want to run around and paint a picture of themselves which is complete nonesence.

"Look I am a good person" or "I would not judge a book by it's cover" really??
Yes you would but as already stated so do most people so you are not alone.

If you believe this then as well as being shallow you are deluded!

People find different things attractive, looks are usually the first thing people see it's instinctual, however looks are also the first thing to go, people get old, fat, pregnant, sick, injured.....

skooterblue2

If being a little fat is his worst quality. If he doesnt cheat, gamble, beat you, drink to excess, have bad debts, have a substance problem or a criminal record, you should get rid of him as fast as possible and date some of the above characters. They will teach you a few things.

"If you dont take care of the customer someone else will"

Some other person less superficial will have a great catch. Good men are hard to come by in this day and age.

ShowMeTheCash

Est28 wrote: »

Totally agree.

Not being attracted to someone doesn't make you shallow or bad in any way.

Look there is no bad in this, if it's an issue it's an issue.
What I am saying is, if this is the defining factor that makes or breaks the OP relationship then the reason is a shallow one..

What is wrong with someone saying "I was being really shallow but it was making me unhappy"..

People want to walk away from things smelling of roses, make it all someone else fault.

People need to take resonsibility for their own actions / feelings.

ash23

There's a big difference between meeting someone, finding them attractive and then them drastically changing their appearance during the relationship. If my boyfriend piled on a lot of weight or bulked up to body builder proportions, covered himself with tattoos and piercings or became a goth or hipster, I might not be attracted to him anymore and I'd be within my rights to not be ok with that. Obviously people change over years but I'm talking about a drastic change in appearance.

However, the OPs boyfriend hasn't changed. He's always looked like that and will always look like that. She shouldn't expect anything more of him than looking like he has always looked. That's why she hasn't been fair to him.

ShowMeTheCash

ash23 wrote: »

There's a big difference between meeting someone, finding them attractive and then them drastically changing their appearance during the relationship. If my boyfriend piled on a lot of weight or bulked up to body builder proportions, covered himself with tattoos and piercings or became a goth or hipster, I might not be attracted to him anymore and I'd be within my rights to not be ok with that. Obviously people change over years but I'm talking about a drastic change in appearance.

However, the OPs boyfriend hasn't changed. He's always looked like that and will always look like that. She shouldn't expect anything more of him than looking like he has always looked. That's why she hasn't been fair to him.

I see you have taken the easiest scenario to justify your stance.
Piled on alot of weight, bulked up, covered himself in tattoos...

If your bf was disfigured in say an accident I am sure he would feel good in the knowledge that you are well within your right to no longer find him attractive. (Which BTW you are) But if you actually love someone I think it should go a little beyond how they look...

Maybe I am old fashioned!

CaraMay

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I see you have taken the easiest scenario to justify your stance.
Piled on alot of weight, bulked up, covered himself in tattoos...

If your bf was disfigured in say an accident I am sure he would feel good in the knowledge that you are well within your right to no longer find him attractive. (Which BTW you are) But if you actually love someone I think it should go a little beyond how they look...

Maybe I am old fashioned!

Yes if they change but he hasn't changed!

She chose him as he is and has led him up the garden path for 2 years now. She still hasn't answered how she has managed to have an intimate relationship with him for so long,

ShowMeTheCash

CaraMay wrote: »

Yes if they change but he hasn't changed!

She chose him as he is and has led him up the garden path for 2 years now. She still hasn't answered how she has managed to have an intimate relationship with him for so long,

I agree with you on that part

ash23

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I see you have taken the easiest scenario to justify your stance.
Piled on alot of weight, bulked up, covered himself in tattoos...

If your bf was disfigured in say an accident I am sure he would feel good in the knowledge that you are well within your right to no longer find him attractive. (Which BTW you are) But if you actually love someone I think it should go a little beyond how they look...

Maybe I am old fashioned!

Perhaps I'd still find him attractive. Perhaps not. I wouldn't know how I'd feel in that situation. But if I found the disfigurement repulsive then I can't see how I'd carry on the relationship.
But the op never fancied him. Ever. She should never have let it drag on for years

ShowMeTheCash

ash23 wrote: »

Perhaps I'd still find him attractive. Perhaps not. I wouldn't know how I'd feel in that situation. But if I found the disfigurement repulsive then I can't see how I'd carry on the relationship.
But the op never fancied him. Ever. She should never have let it drag on for years

I suggest you never get married, or perhaps instead of "Till death us do part" change it to "As long as I find you attractive".

ash23

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I suggest you never get married, or perhaps instead of "Till death us do part" change it to "As long as I find you attractive".

If sex wasn't important in the relationship then it would probably be possible to stay married. But if he wanted a relationship with a woman who wants sex with him and who doesn't just go through the motions then it'd be best to end it no?

Taltos

ShowMeTheCash, please keep it on topic and your advice relevant to the OP.
Others are entitled to their opinions and something that is not a deal breaker for you will most definitely be a deal breaker for someone else.

Please do not post to this thread again, as right now you are skirting more serious mod action due to the potential derailment here.

Thanks
Taltos

Big Bag of Chips

A number of posts have been deleted for being off topic, and one poster banned for a week for continuing to ignore instruction to keep advice relevant to the OP. Any more off-topic discussion will result in bans.

Keep The Charter in mind: Mature constructive advice to the OP.

kjl

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

No it appears you are not aware go look at a dictionary, what you are describing is the definition of shallow.

If I say "I like a girl she is nice good personality but I would not engage in a relationship with her or I am breaking up with her because she is too fat" then my reasons for doing so are completely shallow. Now that is my choice and the reasons maybe important to me but they are still shallow!

But I see you benchmarking an entire relationship on sexual attraction, good luck with that!

It is what it is...

People want to run around and paint a picture of themselves which is complete nonesence.

"Look I am a good person" or "I would not judge a book by it's cover" really??
Yes you would but as already stated so do most people so you are not alone.

If you believe this then as well as being shallow you are deluded!

People find different things attractive, looks are usually the first thing people see it's instinctual, however looks are also the first thing to go, people get old, fat, pregnant, sick, injured.....

The OP is the opposite of shallow, she has been with someone for 2 years who she only finds his personality attractive.

She has tried to like him, but just doesn't. It's not her fault and it certainly doesn't make her shallow.

Please don't reply to banned posters who have been told not to post here again as they cannot reply on thread.