Should I contact old friends after everything that's happened

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I had a great group of friends when I was younger. Then when I went to college in Dublin at 17, I found myself feeling lost and found it hard to make friends. I was always shy and insecure but especially during those college years.

At the end of my first year I started losing weight and I became anorexic. My lowest weight was 7.7 stone. I shut out my friends from home (I'm from the country) and wouldn't go out on nights out etc. I became a bit of a recluse and they eventually stopped trying to get me to come out and meet up.

Fast forward some years, I'm 25, happy, healthy and in a great job. BUT I have serious regrets about those years and my lost friendships. They were great girls and I'd love to get in touch again. I haven't seen any of them since I was 18. It's a small area, everyone knows everyone and we all went to the same primary school. One of the girls I've known since I was 3. I'm just afraid they won't reply or they might be angry?

I don't know whether I should just leave our friendships in the past or make an effort to contact them via Facebook. I deleted most numbers when I was 17/18.

Please help, I'd appreciate any advice.

Stavro Mueller

I think you should go for it. If they knew you were ill at the time (and I'm sure they did) they'll hopefully understand why you shut yourself away. You can't control their reactions I'm afraid. You could put in an explanation but don't get too bogged down in the negativity. Emphasise that you're well now.

Having said that, don't get your hopes up too high. Even if you get to meet up with some of them again, you may not have the same friendships you did before. Leaving aside how they may feel about what happened back then, 8 years is a long time. There has been a lot of water gone under the bridge in the meantime and you'll all have changed as people. The person you are now might not be compatible with the people they have become. On the other hand it could all be good. Who knows?

Rubberchikken

what's the worse that can happen?
if they don't want to get to know you again, you'll find out fairly soon. but if you were all great friends then i can only see them welcoming you back with open arms.

you've done great to face those demons and have set up a new great life for yourself, so go for it. think of the fun of reuniting with old friends.

good luck

Neyite

Go for it.

I went through a period of non-contact due to some personal stuff. Not a single friend that I contacted afterwards had a negative reaction - they were just delighted that I was back, happy and the old friend they remembered.

You say they are lovely people - well then they will be understanding.

LifesgoodwithLG

Go for it OP , maybe send the person you are closest to a message saying that you would love to meet for a coffee, explain that you have recovered from your illness and would like to get in contact again. You may find out that you are completely different people know but it would be good for you to have an opportunity to thank them for their help.

Ps OP a lifetime ago I had Bulimia and it's my proudest boast that i overcame it.

Big Bag of Chips

Friends drift apart for all sorts of reasons. You feel terrible about the reasons you drifted away from your friends and you are nervous about contacting them again. Your friends won't have any of those feelings! They didn't go through what you went through so won't feel the same sense of dread that you are feeling. If you contact them they'll most probably be excited to be back in touch.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

mirrorwall14

Like the others I would say go for it, however I will add a suggestion. This may not go the way you imagine it, you should have supports in place in case any triggers for your anorexia are hit. Have you a counsellor/psychiatrist or someone to talk to? Be sure that you have that lined up in advance.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Thanks for your replies. I certainly do feel nervous about getting in touch with them. It's something that's been on my mind for the past two years and I often think about it. In many ways I feel like I lost a few years of my life but I can see now that I'm a much stronger person that I was back then. I'm even proud of myself for coming so far.
Thanks again for all your replies and advice, they are all appreciated. I shall keep you updated:)

LegacyUser

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

Like the others I would say go for it, however I will add a suggestion. This may not go the way you imagine it, you should have supports in place in case any triggers for your anorexia are hit. Have you a counsellor/psychiatrist or someone to talk to? Be sure that you have that lined up in advance.

+1 I would echo this. I've had friends from school days get in touch, some just because they'd newly discovered Facebook and were just adding everyone they might know and I got a few messages catching up but then nothing and some who did go out of their way to contact me. Like yourself OP some of these girls I'd known since I was very young (4/5) but I went to college and admit I made no effort to keep in touch as I was studying something very different to them and our common interests were just never the same after secondary school. One sent a letter to my mum who passed it on to me, she'd gone off the rails during college and disappeared for a while and been in a pretty dark place but had got her life back together, got married and was in a good place in her life so decided to reach out to old friends. I emailed a reply to her letter just updating were I was in my life, got a 'nice to hear from you' reply back and then nothing….we both had our own lives now and didn't fit in with each others anymore. Just be aware OP it might be fine and you'll get back in touch but some of them might be super happy to hear from you at the start but then they fade away again.

dixiefly

I also think thatb you should go for it. Perhaps start with the girl that you know the longest or the girl that you feel that you knew best.

It might be good for them also if a new person comes into the group again, especiall if you live away (city etc). Might mean that they start to go out somewhere new which is always good.

R.D. aka MR.D

Do it if you'll regret not doing it but be prepared that it might not go as well as you think.

I contacted old friends who I had basically disappeared from. It was a different situation as I was in an abusive relationship. None of them were interested in being in touch again. These were girls that I was best friends with and even used to share a room with one of them.

I even tried a few different times to reach out to them but always got short replies. Or they will reply once but as soon as I return another email/text, i get no response.

I realise now that they have moved on from our friendship and i'll never get that back.

Stavro Mueller

Got to agree with the post above this one. I would describe my relationship with old school friends as "friendly acquaintances" these days. I sometimes bump into old school friends when I'm home and while we have nice chats, we're no longer friends. I drifted apart from my best friend in my early twenties and while we exchange pleasantries, I'd not like to be friends any more. I think the feeling is mutual. We've changed too much as people and what held us together at 14 or 15 wasn't there at 22 or 23. It doesn't bother me because I've new friends I've more in common with these days. I've learned that friends come and go as you move through life and you can't assume any friendship is forever.

shalalala

I would pick one and contact them first, it might be too hard to do all of them at the same time.

I took a huge leap over a year ago, I contacted my best friend from school in England. We had fallen out over me moving over here when I was 16. I contacted her and since, she has been over twice and me over there once. It is like we never stopped being friends. Obviously we both grew up and we live far away from each other but when we do chat there is no anger or animosity, only sadness that we lost so much time.

Do it!

skallywag

In my own experience men tend to be a lot quicker to welcome someone who has drifted back into the fold, whereas women on the other hand tend to be much colder in allowing someone back into the circle. Just my own personal experience and not a sweeping generalisation, perhaps the girls I happen to know are just bitchy (-:

Matteroffact

You will probably find that some of the girls you used to know will welcome you back, but not all of them. You could find that they have all split up anyway and are not all in touch with one another like they were when you knew them. I would certainly think it is worth a try though and if it doesn't work out you have nothing to lose. If you make friends with just one of them then I would go for it.

Pretty Polly

I

Icaras

Definitely do it.

I've an old very good friend who shut himself away from the world. We all tried to help but he just wanted to be left alone. Very little would make me happier than hearing from him again.

As the saying goes it better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.