Needed a friend but they bailed

Nick_1494

I know this sounds stupid to get upset over but it's really annoyed me lately.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend of mine for coffee last week. They go to college in town so even though I was broke I used my last tenner and headed in. While I was on the bus I received a text saying that they had to cancel because an assignment had come up that he thought was due the Friday after but was due the next day.

It wouldn't usually bother me but the reason we were meeting up was because I've been feeling pretty s**** lately and really needed someone to talk to. He knew this. I get that he has deadlines and that he's busy but half an hour would have done, I just needed someone to talk to for a while.

it upset me because I've been there for him. I've helped him with assignments and listened when he was upset.

Am I being unreasonable and over sensitive here?

thefeatheredcat

It is not unreasonable to hope a friend to be there for you in the same way you have been there for them, or even to a lesser extent. It is often assumed in friendships that you'll help eachother out when the time comes and that whatever help and support you provide will be reciprocated. It is not unreasonable either to be hurt and upset when a friend doesn't come through for you.
I've been there OP. Lots of times. And it hurt so much. A few years ago I was in a particularly bad place, and took it very badly when I really needed help and support - just someone to listen, to offer comfort and time - my friends were nowhere to be found, all too busy for me, even though they knew the situation. I felt really hurt by it all and it made me feel quite negative about myself, even when I could be understanding of their perspective, like that they were dealing with their stuff too, or that they couldn't really offer much, and other stuff.
There are still people you can talk to about things, though. Like this very forum, there's some great people on here who will give you the time and give you advice, help or just empathy. And then there's the Samaritans who can and will listen, they have been very good to me in the past when I found myself with no one, not even family to talk to.
With your friend, you may be a person of great strength in your friend's eyes who seems to be able to cope so well, that they value your help and you are their go-to person because of coping skills you have, that they may lack. They might feel like that they can never give to you the same help you have given them, because they lack the skills and abilities you have if the situation was reversed. They may also think that you'd be better equipped to deal with what you're feeling or that someone else would be than they themselves.
But if however you feel that they are friends with you so as to come to you with problems or help over spending time with you, then perhaps you need to take a step back from helping them out so much.
In the meantime, I would suggest that perhaps you focus on yourself and what you are feeling, allow yourself to put yourself as a priority with what you're facing yourself and allow yourself to get yourself help from various sources, be it a forum board, your GP, the Samaritans, family, other friends, even strangers.

Matteroffact

I have been through similar so many times, but now I just come to realize that people do not reciprocate what you do for them unless it suits them. I have given up expecting people to treat me like I treat them. The thing is OP you are the one here who was relying on this meet up because you really wanted someone to talk to,so now you are the one who feels bad about it being cancelled, and while it is nothing for them to get upset about, it is everything to you. It is understandable that you would be upset when you have a lot of time to think about this. Could you suggest to your friend that you meet up after this project has been handed in and then you will see who your real friends are.

LegacyUser

OP your friend had a very valid excuse and he probably sent the text as soon as he found out about the deadline.

He must have been under huge pressure to do an assignment in one day and if he met you for the half hour you wanted it could have distracted him too much to get it done. He probably wouldn't have been of much help to you anyway with that on his mind. Would you want him to fail an assignment or have to stay up all night going through horrible stress?

Was there nobody else in town at the time that you could have met up with?

You've been given a lot of support here so I don't think there's any harm in also adding that you shouldn't be too hard on your friend under the circumstances. You say this happened last week. Have you met the friend or been in contact since? If he hasn't made any effort to make it up to you I can see why that would be upsetting, but not the events of the day itself.

santana75

Nick_1494 wrote: »

Am I being unreasonable and over sensitive here?

No I dont think youre being over sensitive, you just backed the wrong horse thats all. Dont take it personally though, thats the worst thing you can do. Its just one of those lessons in life you learn the hard way, a lot of people wont be there for you when you really need them. You may have been there for them but when you yourself needed some support they went missing. But there are good people out there, you just learn to distinguish between the reliable ones and the flaky ones as you get older. It can be a painful experience and at times you might think theres literally nobody you can count on but hang in there, you'll get there in the end.
It could be a good idea to speak to a therapist though. Theyre trained professionals who'll listen and never judge you, which is not something a friend would be to be honest. Friends can be judgemental and not the best people to talk to so a therapist is the best option I think. If youre broke there are low cost centres that offer counselling on a sliding scale basis.

LegacyUser

Nick_1494 wrote: »

Am I being unreasonable and over sensitive here?

I'm not sure those are the words I would use, I do think your being a little unfair to your friend. You say you've been there for him when was upset but did you drop everything go straight to him no questions asked?

I know you say it's only half an hour for a chat but it's not just a half hour and you know that. Your not going to arrive and just upload everything in one go and then leave after 30 mins, it takes time to talk things through with friends and they would been stuck having to chose wither to leave after 30 mins when your clearly upset or stay and risk not getting the assignment done. And you should know yourself from being there for friends it's very hard to just swing back into work mode if you've spent time being emotional support for a friend. It can seem like a bigger slight to you right now because you are upset and need that support and it always seems to us on the inside that it's a major issue but for those outside they can't see it the same way.

Had they just flaked and said they couldn't be bothered then I'd be upset but it's an acceptable reason and unless you've reason to think he was lying to you about the assignment I wouldn't go dismissing him as a supportive friend for this one thing.

Nick_1494

Thanks for the responses.

The only attempt he's made was a text saying he was free in an hour if I wanted to head into town and meet him this morning at around 10. Which just annoyed me more then before.

I completely understand about his assignments and that the timing couldn't be helped but I just wish he could have made that time for me. I spent the night before our English paper 1 with him crying and my shoulder. I got an hours sleep but I got through it because he's a close friend and he needed me.

Maybe I'm being unfair and unrealistic in my expectations if him but if the positions were revearsed I'd be there in a heartbeat and this has made me re-evaluate whether or not I will be in the future.

I appreciate the advice on organisations that help with this kind if stuff but there's people out there with bigger problems then mine and I would hate to think in taking up the time they need more. I'll just get through it myself.

Thanks again

thefeatheredcat

Nick_1494 wrote: »

I appreciate the advice on organisations that help with this kind if stuff but there's people out there with bigger problems then mine and I would hate to think in taking up the time they need more. I'll just get through it myself.

The thing is OP, You DON'T have to get through this yourself, by yourself. I mentioned the Samaritans and you know what, what I didn't say in my last post is that I actually visited them in person, just dropped in as a last resort and they were very good to me, and I even said practically word for word the quote above. And the person of the Samaritans told me not to worry and made me feel like I was important too, even if in the grand scheme of things my issues were trivial. I felt my issues were trivial and nonsense in comparison to what I imagined people were ringing them about, even wanted to leave quickly because I felt guilty I was taking up someone's time that would be better used on the phone dealing with someone who had bigger troubles than me. But the volunteer stayed with me, let me talk, and made me feel like my issues were as equally as important as anyone else's.

Even if you think what you are feeling is trivial or that whatever you're facing isn't that big a problem, to me whatever you're going through is just as important as everyone else's and you are deserving of giving time and help to.

Maybe your friend and their dismissal of you which has left you disappointed and let down, is making you feel unimportant and your issues unimportant. But that's not true, you are important too. And you have to see that.

LegacyUser

I have some idea of how your now feeing. I had a few so called friends in the past similar to yours. As time went by I found it easier to say no or not be as available to people like this.
Friendship requires give and take. There will be times that people are busy due to any number of things but if your always making the effort with this person I would step back now.
Stop texting and ringing them as much. Don't drop everything the next time they ring with some problem only you can fix. Tell them I can't see you today but arrange another day and time that suit you.
I did this in the past and it helped me end a so called friendship where I was doing all the giving and getting very little back.

I recently had a problem and I rang a friend of mine. They give me good advice and spent time with me which helped me feel better. I know they could need some support in the next 6 to 12 months but I will be there for them at that stage.

Rubberchikken

Friendships are never equal and sometimes its just the wrong time for one person when the other is busy.

You were great to be there even with an english paper due the next day and thats probably the type of person you are.
Others arent like that. Now maybe you're friend didn't realise you were down to your last 10 euro and really needed some support.

Could you ring them and arrange to meet at a time where both of you can sit and relax with no pressure to be anywhere else?

Take care

ShowMeTheCash

Reading some of the post here OP - All this talk of backing the wrong horse and "so called friends" he is your friend... Would you consider him a good guy? A good friend? No one here knows him.

By the sounds of it you and your friend are two different types of people, neither him or you needs to apologise for that.

Friendship is not about reciprocation. i.e. I done something for you now you do something for me...

If you are happy doing something for a friend then that in itself should be enough.
If it annoys you that he does not reciprocate then that issue lies with you not him.

There is no right or wrong here just two different people and different expectations.

Stavro Mueller

Another thought: Perhaps your friend didn't feel up to listening to your problems. I would consider myself to be a good friend and I don't mind being the shoulder that people cry on. Sometimes when I'm not feeling all that great myself, the last thing I want is to be near other people. Not even people who are feeling down - just regular people. As has been pointed out, this talk of the chat taking 30 minutes is a red herring. Let's be honest here - it was going to take up a hell of a lot longer. I don't know if your friend was being truthful about the assignment but if he was, you'd have been taking up precious time that would be better spent trying to get the work done.

Hopefully you're feeling better now. Don't be afraid to turn to this forum (you can post anonymously, just in case you weren't aware) if you need someone to talk to. Or as has been suggested, The Samaritans. They're not just for people who are feeling suicidal.

December2012

Nick_1494 wrote: »

The only attempt he's made was a text saying he was free in an hour if I wanted to head into town and meet him this morning at around 10. Which just annoyed me more then before.

Well that's unfair of you - he finds time to help you but because it doesn't suit you you get annoyed?

Maybe I'm being unfair and unrealistic in my expectations if him but if the positions were revearsed I'd be there in a heartbeat and this has made me re-evaluate whether or not I will be in the future.

I get the impression you're at an age where your friendships are very intense and important. That's natural.

But as you move on you'll see that different people have ways of expressing their friendship.

When I was 20 I would've done much more for my friends than I would do now. My priorities, time and energy are different. It doesn't make me a bad friend.

I wonder if your friend is putting a lot (possibly more than you?) effort into exams? It was your choice to stay up before your English exam. Do you hold this against your friend? Because it's your responsibility, not theirs.

Go talk to a professional who can give you the help you need.