In my mid 20's and still quiet/shy

LegacyUser

I suppose I'm just looking for advice as i'm constantly experiencing an internal kind of unhappiness or discontent with the way I am. I'm 25 years old and apart from 6th class in school until about 3rd year, I've always been very quiet and pretty shy.

I think a lot of people are able to accept that they are quiet and get on with life but I am always questioning myself and wishing I could be different. I feel as if these traits are causing me to miss out so much in life. I'd go as far as to say my shyness severly impedes my quality of life.

I've never been a complete loner but I went through college years only making 2 friends (in my final year). Used to just go to lectures without interacting with anybody. Only attended class parties in the final year of a 4 year course!! I kept in touch with 3 friends from school during that time so as I mentioned I wasn't completely on my own.

But ever since leaving college and getting into the working world I've found more of the same. I go into the office, have the odd 2 minute chat with a colleague if I happen to be making tea at the same time as them and then just work and eat lunch at my desk and return home. One thing I've found is that it takes me aaages to get comfortable with someone. I sit around people even quieter than me which doesn't help things, but still.

I always feel like i'm missing so much by being this way, but then on the other hand sometimes I really don't feel like talking to people. As is typical for someone like me, I turn into a completely different person with a few drinks on me. I'm way more chatty and not shy in the slightest. I don't take part in any kind of club such as martial arts, sports etc and never really have due to my shyness so how will I ever meet new people?

I've travelled across the world on my own and ended up only talking to a few different people and exploring places by myself for the rest of the time. I suppose I just feel i'm missing out and have missed out on so many experiences in my life by being this way. Loneliness is definitely something I suffer with. .

How can I ever make more friends if I am so shy? I thought shyness was a thing people outgrow Then again, on the other hand, my life when viewed from the outside could be seen as very rich and full of cool experiences. I am in a constant internal battle over whether I need to change or accept myself. If anyone has anytips/advice for me that'd be great. Thanks

Don Kedick

I'm the same. You have probably thought that you wish you could go around drunk all the time, it's much easier then. Not falling around drunk, just the right amount so you can act normal. I've tried medication, it doesn't really work, well it hasn't worked yet anyway. I don't think they're allowed to prescribe something powerful enough that would work but you can try something like that. It helps a little.
The other things people will advise is counselling, exercise and all that stuff. It works for some so you could try that also. You wont want to read the next part but the sad reality could be that people like you and me always stay like this. We never improve. Our lives wasted because we lack confidence and can't get over it. Even though we know it's silly, no one really gives a sh1t but we still just can't do it.
I think you should try alll the options you have and that I've mentioned. Counselling, medication, joining a club, going to the gym regularly. See if one of them works for you. I'm a couple of years older than you and I've tried all this and I've kinda lost hope. Nothings worked, hopefully something will work for you. Put your full effort into whatever you decide and at least then you can tell yourself that you've tried.

bee06

Shyness can be something that you do grow out of and just because you are 25 doesn't mean you've stopped growing. I was very similar to you through school and college and in my early to mid-twenties I was making baby steps buy just when I thought I was being chatty and friendly with newer people someone would tell me I was very quiet.

Then something clicked in my late twenties in terms of my confidence in myself and from there I became more outgoing. I'm 33 now and started a new job a few months ago and I'm still a bit amazed by myself and how I can interact so easily with so many new people which would have been painful for me 5 years ago. I'm still never going to be the centre of attention but that's ok with me too!

Keep trying and making the effort with people at work or joining a club and don't lose hope that just because you're 25 now that you're going to be the way you are forever.

aidanki

has anyone ever tried hyponsis or anything like that to help with shyness ?

Im a few years older (not that many) that the original poster but I guess Im still v shy, I worked v hard at school and didn't have any real friends, the same at college and again when I started working, yet I have no peoblem public speaking. Never done anything in life other than work really hard and do everything I have been asked to do and more, in a lot of cases for absolutely no thanks, thought I was doing the right thing being a company man.

Never even went out a lot, I don't know why it just didn't interest me. Never went on holidays with other people, come to that never went on holidays tended to spend them at home helping father on farm

Recently moved to a new town as got a new job and a big pay rise and am struggling a bit, sick of being alone........... always thought the rest of life would just happen naturally such as balancing work and play but it appears not

Is hypnosis something I should consider, or wondering should I go travelling or something

http://www.corkhypnosisclinic.com/shyness.html found this

Minderbinder

OP you are only uneasy because society has wrongly taught you that outgoing people are better than reserved people. I don't believe you are really unhappy about yourself, but more society's requirements that you be different. You're obviously a clever , thoughtful person so there's no reason you shouldn't be confident the way you are now. Maybe you should think about being a little more social just to give yourself more practice in order to build your confidence. But if you're like me you'll find the prospect of a night out exhausting. Ireland doesn't really offer a lot of alternatives unfortunately. Maybe ask a colleague you like to go for a few drinks rather than old friends from school. I often find going out with the usual crowd inhibiting as it's too comfortable and I'd be unlikely to take the risk of talking to someone new. I also recommend you read 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking'.

Sin1981

Hi OP

I would also recommend that you read "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking". As well as a lot of other stuff, it describes a lot of studies which show how introverts have as much if not more to offer than extroverts.
I was painfully shy, timid and quiet when I was young. I was never a good social mixer, always that background invisible person. I got bullied at school (secondary). At 33 I look back and still feel very sad about that period.

Anyhow, all I can say is, you should feel less pressure to be that outgoing/extroverted person. Some of my friends are quiet and they are the soundest, coolest people I know. I know we all like an outgoing person around, they entertain us etc, but in my experience a quieter person can contribute more to a friendship. The biggest thing being their ability to listen! One friend in particular is a very quiet person. She is totally secure in that and does not feel pressure to change her personality. Go her is what I say!

Me on the other hand, always felt that pressure to change. For me, I grew out of a lot of my shyness in part to going to my college alone, and moving 3 times since college without knowing a single person in these places. I suppose it was always a sink or swim situation. Either I spoke to people and made an effort (albeit probably still in my own reserved way), or I literally made no friends and felt lonely. I think I probably still have that introversion in me, but when I need to I can talk up and strike up conversations. I'll never be that chatterbox type but hey, I'm totally fine with that. I must admit that once or twice I still get digs from old friends about me being too quiet. This infuriates me! It still irks me that these people think that being outgoing is a preferred trait. It's annoying that society has us (or should I say 'them') thinking that way. what can you do about these attitudes...?

I moved to a new city 1 year ago. I joined a hillwalking club. there are all sorts of people in it, some extroverted, some introverted. I sometimes think the older we get, the more kinder/mature people can be... in this club people will be nice to newbies...I don't think it doesn't matter that I'm a little quiet...but it's important that I try to chat...

As to whether or not you have to change. Are you unhappy in this situation?? you sound a little like me, i.e. feel comfortable being alone at times, but also feel like you'd get more out of life if you were less shy around people? If yes, then maybe you could start with little steps.. maybe start trying to make conversations with people, one on one.. slowly build to chatting to 2 people at a time... you don't need to be a centre of attention person... if you can become comfortable at talking small groups then that is something.. clubs, sport might be a good option

Good luck:)

+1 on the "Quiet" book from the previous post.

OP, I found that as I grew a bit older (I'm 36), I've began to think of my weaknesses as my strengths. Shyness and thoughtfulness are often appropriate traits for lots of professions and interests.

So for me, introversion was a drag when I was in school/college. But now I have a life and career that are actually quite conducive to it. My job is actually quite high-profile, but because I love it, shyness and introversion in not an issue.

This is a bit rambling, but my message is: 'You'll be fine'. As you get a bit older, these things don't bother you so much, and you become more accepting of 'faults' that are not actually faults at all