Should I break up with my wife?

Mistymeadow

We have 4 year old and a 1 year old, a mortgage and we both work. Kids go to creche. Due to our sex life have been considering breaking up with my wife. We've discussed it numerous times, nothing changes. We had sex about two weeks ago, it was about 3 weeks before that, we probably average once every 2 or 3 weeks and I always initiate it. I'be made the decision I won't be initiating again until she does, ifor that means we never have sex again then so be it. I've had enough of the rejection. I don't think I could bare not to live with my kids though, that would break me. I love my wife with all my heart but the sex life just depresses me and gets me down. Any advice welcome.

Tokyo

I'm not suggesting that anybody should stay in a sexless marriage just because of vows, or children, but if you still love your wife with all your heart as you say you do, have you considered other avenues fro help, and exhausting all other options before deciding that your marriage is over? Talking about the issue is obviously a positive thing, but for many people and many situations it's only the first step of many on the way to overcoming an issue.

Assuming that while discussing it, you both admitted there was an issue and you both want to get past it, have you considered getting professional help with this, in the form of couples counselling or therapy?

marizpan

Was it always like this? Before ye had children ?

If so, it probably won't improve and if it used to be better, then it is more than likely due the lifestyle.

Working full time, getting kids up early, dropping off kids, work, rushing home to collect kids, add massive doses of guilt, coming home to a messy house with breakfast still on the table, give kids attention, make dinner, clean the house, do some laundry, get kids bags ready for crèche, get kids to sleep.have a shower, rinse and repeat.

I'm not surprised ye dont have much of a sex life!

Mistymeadow

marizpan wrote: »

Was it always like this? Before ye had children ?

If so, it probably won't improve and if it used to be better, then it is more than likely due the lifestyle.

Working full time, getting kids up early, dropping off kids, work, rushing home to collect kids, add massive doses of guilt, coming home to a messy house with breakfast still on the table, give kids attention, make dinner, clean the house, do some laundry, get kids bags ready for crèche, get kids to sleep.have a shower, rinse and repeat.

I'm not surprised ye dont have much of a sex life!

Yea it was better before we had kids. We share the chores equally yet I still want sex and she doesn't, it makes me think she just doesn't fancy me.

Matteroffact

Yes, you could try finding out why your wife isn't interested in sex more often. Could it be that you both work and she has the sole responsibility of caring for the children and the home and is so tired at the end of the day that she is not able for it. Could it be that you don't make her feel like a woman and so having sex with you means nothing to her. Now OP I am not saying that you are guilty just making suggestions as to what could be at fault here. Do you make dinner in the evenings, help her out and spring the odd surprise on her. Now I know it takes two to tango but it only takes one to make a start on improving the situation and talk is cheap, actions speak louder. If you cannot bring yourself to make a start then could you both go to a Counsellor. You love your wife so try everything before you give up.

Dixie Chick

Don't break up without doing all you can. Don't threaten to break up if you aren't willing to go through with it. Go get some counselling as a couple and sort it out.

marizpan

I'd bet she is just exhausted.

Your youngest child is only a year, your kids are still so young.
I won't throw away a good marriage because of this.

Your marriage just needs some work.
Such as ;
a date night once a month/forth night.
Ensure she gets a few hours to herself eack week to visit friends or get her hair done.

sadie06

OP, welcome to the world of parenting 2 children under 5, whilst working full time. This loss of libido is 100% normal at this stage in your life, and I would have been horrified if my husband had put such a huge amount of pressure on me, adding further stress to everything else we were trying to juggle as a family.

Once you keep sex on the agenda, and don't let it become too distant a memory, you will come out the other side of this and things will improve. My kids are now older, so I am speaking from experience. Trust me!

Stop piling on the pressure, and certainly don't throw the towel in over what is in fact a stage of life issue.

strobe

You say you've discussed it numerous times, what did she have to say about it? Does she offer any explanation for the situation?

Mistymeadow

strobe wrote: »

You say you've discussed it numerous times, what did she have to say about it? Does she offer any explanation for the situation?

She says she knows she needs to make more of an effort but nothing changes. What really bothers me is that she never initiates sex, never.

marizpan

Your expectations are high considering the ages of your kids and that you both work full time.

When a woman is tired and exhausted the last thing she wants is sex. It is just seen as another thing to be done.

When a women feels attractive, because she has time to look after herself, and she feels fresh and rested, then she will desire sex.

Your wife has neither time to give herself or time to rest. So sex will be a chore to her until those conditions are met.

You can either help met those conditions, or wait till the kids get older and life gets easier.

But your current idea of sex and kids and full time work is so unrealistic.

LegacyUser

Mistymeadow wrote: »

She says she knows she needs to make more of an effort but nothing changes. What really bothers me is that she never initiates sex, never.

Even before you had kids ?

Dixie Chick

marizpan wrote: »

Your expectations are high considering the ages of your kids and that you both work full time.

When a woman is tired and exhausted the last thing she wants is sex. It is just seen as another thing to be done.

When a women feels attractive, because she has time to look after herself, and she feels fresh and rested, then she will desire sex.

Your wife has neither time to give herself or time to rest. So sex will be a chore to her until those conditions are met.

You can either help met those conditions, or wait till the kids get older and life gets easier.

But your current idea of sex and kids and full time work is so unrealistic.

This is so true. I know personally, and I have no kids, if I am tired or feeling icky (fat, ungroomed or whatever) then I also do not want sex. However I have the time on my hands to get my stuff in line and feel better, your wife doesn't. Its different for women and men.

Tasden

marizpan wrote: »

Your expectations are high considering the ages of your kids and that you both work full time.

When a woman is tired and exhausted the last thing she wants is sex. It is just seen as another thing to be done.

When a women feels attractive, because she has time to look after herself, and she feels fresh and rested, then she will desire sex.

Your wife has neither time to give herself or time to rest. So sex will be a chore to her until those conditions are met.

You can either help met those conditions, or wait till the kids get older and life gets easier.

But your current idea of sex and kids and full time work is so unrealistic.

I'm sorry but i don't agree that his expectation of sex and intimacy is unrealistic because of the kids and jobs. For some people it can dwindle sure for the reasons you've outlined, that's natural. But expecting intimacy and sex in your relationship is not unrealistic.

If the op felt tired from his job and didn't feel in the mood to converse with her in the evening, would rather play video games or sleep than take time to talk to her, people wouldn't say the wife is being unrealistic expecting a fairly intimate aspect of a relationship. Its the same thing. A bit of compromise might be needed for a while but it shouldn't be outright neglected due to tiredness.

Op when your partner agrees to trying to make an effort or you have these discussions does she explain why its happening? Has she told you, like the above poster suggests, that shes tired and drained and not feeling sexy? Has she told you how you can help her address the issues? Or is it a simple "yeah I'll try better" and that's it?

Mistymeadow

Tabs101 wrote: »

Even before you had kids ?

I'd say less than 10 times in 10 years she has I initiated.

Mistymeadow

Tasden wrote: »

I'm sorry but i don't agree that his expectation of sex and intimacy is unrealistic because of the kids and jobs. For some people it can dwindle sure for the reasons you've outlined, that's natural. But expecting intimacy and sex in your relationship is not unrealistic.

If the op felt tired from his job and didn't feel in the mood to converse with her in the evening, would rather play video games or sleep than take time to talk to her, people wouldn't say the wife is being unrealistic expecting a fairly intimate aspect of a relationship. Its the same thing. A bit of compromise might be needed for a while but it shouldn't be outright neglected due to tiredness.

Op when your partner agrees to trying to make an effort or you have these discussions does she explain why its happening? Has she told you, like the above poster suggests, that shes tired and drained and not feeling sexy? Has she told you how you can help her address the issues? Or is it a simple "yeah I'll try better" and that's it?

She says she'said just not in the mood a lot of the time. I'm going to try an experiment and just not initiate sex for as long as it takes. I'be tried talking, it doesn'the work. I'll see if she even notices. Maybe she'lol be delighted.

Tasden

Mistymeadow wrote: »

She says she'said just not in the mood a lot of the time. I'm going to try an experiment and just not initiate sex for as long as it takes. I'be tried talking, it doesn'the work. I'll see if she even notices. Maybe she'lol be delighted.

Tbh if she's not in the mood then leaving the initiating up to her is just gonna result in nothing happening.

Did you ask her what will put her in the mood? If its due to tiredness, not feeling attractive, stress, needs an extra hour sleep...? Like it could be as simple as her being too tired last thing at night so instead you'll have to try work around that which is difficult to do with babies and jobs but not impossible. It could be as simple as you taking over cooking duties while she has a shower in the evening to feel more ready for intimacy. Or she could have a hormonal issue that needs to be addressed, there's a whole list of reasons it could be down to but yous both need to discuss it in order to fix it.

Also, generally the more sex you have the more sex you want, so imo leaving it to her to initiate, and in turn not having any sex, is just gonna drag the issue on further tbh and damage your relationship more because you're gonna be resentful if she doesn't initiate

kylith

Mistymeadow wrote: »

She says she'said just not in the mood a lot of the time. I'm going to try an experiment and just not initiate sex for as long as it takes. I'be tried talking, it doesn'the work. I'll see if she even notices. Maybe she'lol be delighted.

That's a terrible idea. What you have is someone who, for whatever reason, has had a lessening of libido. You've already confronted her, so she knows this is an issue for you and that will be stressing her and making sex seem like a chore, which will negatively impact her libido even further. By now deciding that you're not going to initiate sex you are placing all the responsibility on her which will make sex even more of a chore, lowering her libido further, stressing her more, and heaping on the guilt.

Couple's counselling may be an option for you.

Have you done anything to lower her stress levels? Like packing the kids off to the grandparents and taking your wife for a romantic long weekend away? Let her know that you love her and appreciate her, feeling loved is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs out there.

skallywag

kylith wrote: »

...By now deciding that you're not going to initiate sex you are placing all the responsibility on her which will make sex even more of a chore, lowering her libido further, stressing her more, and heaping on the guilt...

I can certainly see the OP's point, getting constantly knocked back is an awful thing for anyone to take. It would also leave one thinking on the occasions that the OP's advances are successful that she is just going-through-the-motions in order to prevent potential conflict.

kylith

skallywag wrote: »

I can certainly see the OP's point, getting constantly knocked back is an awful thing for anyone to take. It would also leave one thinking on the occasions that the OP's advances are successful that she is just going-through-the-motions in order to prevent potential conflict.

I can certainly see the OP's point, but I have been on his wife's side of this situation and placing sole responsibility for their sex life on his wife will only have the opposite effect to the one he wants. Even if she does occasionally initiate she will feel resentful that he is 'making' her do it and she will feel pressured into it and guilty that she A) doesn't really want to do it and isn't initiating often enough. And a stressed, pressured, resentful, guilty wife is unlikely to be the outcome that he wants.

Crets

As several people have already commented this is all 100% normal and should be expected when you have kids. Especially two small kids and working. Her body is exhausted and probably still hasnt even recovered from childbirth fully yet. Not wanting sex is a woman's bodies way of saying it isnt ready to get pregnant again. Plus she is just plain tired. Unfortunately men are sometimes impatient and dont appreciate the gift their wives have given them already and end up cheating or divorcing because it's not enough for them. I think it's very sad when sex is a priority over love and children.

Tasden

Crets wrote: »

As several people have already commented this is all 100% normal and should be expected when you have kids. Especially two small kids and working. Her body is exhausted and probably still hasnt even recovered from childbirth fully yet. Not wanting sex is a woman's bodies way of saying it isnt ready to get pregnant again. Plus she is just plain tired. Unfortunately men are sometimes impatient and dont appreciate the gift their wives have given them already and end up cheating or divorcing because it's not enough for them. I think it's very sad when sex is a priority over love and children.

Has the man not had a part to play in creating the "gift"?
And you're over simplifying things saying men are prioritising sex over love and children.
Love isn't only an emotion, its an action as well. People have to work at relationships and show their love and not just expect that "love" will keep the relationship strong. People have needs and the needs of one gender are no less important than the others, regardless of what those needs are, whether its support or intimacy or whatever else. The father is also parenting and working and loves his family and wife.

kylith

Tasden wrote: »

Has the man not had a part to play in creating the "gift"?
And you're over simplifying things saying men are prioritising sex over love and children.
Love isn't only an emotion, its an action as well. People have to work at relationships and show their love and not just expect that "love" will keep the relationship strong. People have needs and the needs of one gender are no less important than the others, regardless of what those needs are, whether its support or intimacy or whatever else. The father is also parenting and working and loves his family and wife.

We don't know what factors may be in play for her though. Did she have an episiotomy? Did/Does she have PND? What is her work like? Does she work long hours? Is her priority when she gets home from work to spend time with the children? Does she do the majority of the heavy chores around the house? Is she the one up with the baby at night? Has her husband complimented her recently? All these things can impact on libido.

LegacyUser

The complete and abject failure of a partner to acknowledge their other half might crave some intimacy is widespread. The lame excuse of fatigue trots out time and again. FFS what physical effort does it take to have sex? None. Just stay awake, for the minimum effort. It takes as much effort to ignore your other half and give him/her the cold shoulder.

Op, you need, as a couple, counselling. If she refuses, then you have a big problem.

Good luck.

Tasden

kylith wrote: »

We don't know what factors may be in play for her though. Did she have an episiotomy? Did/Does she have PND? What is her work like? Does she work long hours? Is her priority when she gets home from work to spend time with the children? Does she do the majority of the heavy chores around the house? Is she the one up with the baby at night? Has her husband complimented her recently? All these things can impact on libido.

My comment wasn't in relation to OPs situation. It was in response to the poster who made sweeping generalisations about "men being impatient" and prioritising sex over love and family after the woman gifting him a child.

I already advised op to discuss the reasons for his wife's low libido with his wife because like you said, without discussing it and pin pointing the cause they cant fix the issue.

Colser

Mistymeadow wrote: »

I'd say less than 10 times in 10 years she has I initiated.

Why is it a dealbreaker now...why didnt you break up with her in the 6 years prior to having children?

ThatFatGal

Mistymeadow wrote: »

She says she'said just not in the mood a lot of the time. I'm going to try an experiment and just not initiate sex for as long as it takes. I'be tried talking, it doesn'the work. I'll see if she even notices. Maybe she'lol be delighted.

There is a lot of resentment coming out of the above comment and that worries me. You said you were still in love with her but the above doesn't sound like you're really in love?

I can understand that you are frustrated and I understand how unloved you would feel.

How about you set some time and leave the children with the parents or a childminder and you two go and have some alone time? Preferably a night or two away in a hotel.

I also agree with other posters saying about women not feeling it when they don't feel 100% about themselves.

Make some time for herself and for the two of you and make her feel like a woman!

Mistymeadow

Colser wrote: »

Why is it a dealbreaker now...why didnt you break up with her in the 6 years prior to having children?

It didn't bother me before, the more time passes the more it is annoying me that I have to always initiate

endacl

Relations aren't about sex. Sex is about relationships.

Physical intimacy is only one facet of your relationship with your wife, in the broader context if your family. You need to talk about, and work in the whole before calling it a day based on the frequency of sex.

BabysCoffee

So she doesn't initiate sex......but does she refuse you when you initiate?

kylith

Mistymeadow wrote: »

It didn't bother me before, the more time passes the more it is annoying me that I have to always initiate

In fairness, if it's always been the case she may just be sexually passive and feels uncomfortable initiating sex.

endacl

kylith wrote: »

In fairness, if it's always been the case she may just be sexually passive and feels uncomfortable initiating sex.

Also, there's only one side of a two-sided story here. Your wife may not enjoy sex, for whatever reason op.

There's lots for you two to talk about.

CaraMay

Mistymeadow wrote: »

It didn't bother me before, the more time passes the more it is annoying me that I have to always initiate

You ignored the red flags and married her knowing she wasn't very sexual. Now you are talking about leaving her and your kids because she is doing exactly what she has always done?!?!?

You are not in a sexless marriage but you aren't having as much sex as you want. There are a few reasons which have been mentioned above but I suspect it goes back to before kids. A lot of women settle for men who will be good husbands and fathers but they don't particularly fancy them. The fact that she never really wanted sex would lead me to this conclusion.

Counselling may help but tbh you can't force someone to WANT to have sex with you. Your marriage may be over but just make sure you end it with her before you start an affair. She deserves that much.

westernlad4x

CaraMay wrote: »

You ignored the red flags and married her knowing she wasn't very sexual. Now you are talking about leaving her and your kids because she is doing exactly what she has always done?!?!?

I've seen this argument made a few times with regards to men who are in marriages in which there is a low frequency of sex and intimacy.
You are assuming here that the OP and his to be wife had full sexual relations before marriage.

I know this is the 21st century and all but there still are women out there who choose to postpone having full sexual intercourse until marriage as part of an ideal regarding commitment. The fact they do this doesn't mean they aren't very sexual.
They may do a lot of frequent reciprocal sexual things with their partner falling short of full sex in the leadup to marriage.
They then go on to have very fulfilling sexual lives during marriage because they have reserved their sexual self for the one and only man.

It would be wrong to label every woman who avoids full sex until marriage as being someone raising a big red flag that their partner can easily read and detect ahead of marriage.

CaraMay

I didn't say she wasn't sexual before marriage. He said they did it about the times per year before marriage. That was a red flag if he wants more.

December2012

OP I've been you.

I wanted more sex than we were having.

My other half didn't mind, didn't notice, and didn't think it was important.

For me, sex is tied up in love. It's an amazing way to share a special bond, and physically it feels brilliant.

We spoke, we planned, it didn't create more sex.

I initiated, I didn't initiate; it didn't lead to more sex.

I cried, it didn't lead to more sex.

We did love each other, we went to marraige counselling and it helped a lot.

Then it slipped again.

Neither of us wanted our marriage to suffer again so we both make a big effort now and we regularly schedule sex. It might not work for others but for me it's still very romantic, sexy and special.

We connect and remind ourselves we were lovers before we were parents, that we can still give each other a half hour of physical intimacy regularly and were very happy.

I make an extra special effort to show my affection after it; this makes me happier and reinforces the message to my husband that a happy sex life is a happy marriage.

Kids, work and career don't have to destroy sex life.

Go talk to a marriage counsellor.

Hold hands when you leave there - and learn how to be sexual in your new life.

Don't leave.

westernlad4x

CaraMay wrote: »

I didn't say she wasn't sexual before marriage. He said they did it about the times per year before marriage. That was a red flag if he wants more.

Where did the OP say they did it the (ten?) times per year before marriage ?
I don't think he has disclosed how many years they are married at all let alone say the frequency before marriage.
I may have missed it but I've gone through his posts.

My own read of the OP's issue is much like what the early replies said where it is clear they have a 1 yr old infant. I think the OP definitely needs to take that into account as a factor for the present impasse. It is possible that his wife has deeper seated issues but it is very hard to conclude that based on the evidence the OP has presented here.

My wider point though was about men who have a relationship with a woman who for somewhat traditional reasons limit or postpone full sexual intercourse until marriage.
It still happens and it isn't per se and indicator or red flag that the woman has sexual libido issues. It may be self control and chances are that's how my or your parents were not so long ago and all our mother's aren't frigid just because they were virgins on the wedding night.

LegacyUser

westernlad4x wrote: »

Where did the OP say they did it the (ten?) times per year before marriage ?
I don't think he has disclosed how many years they are married at all let alone say the frequency before marriage.
I may have missed it but I've gone through his posts

Op didn't mention the number of times they had sex, just that sex was always initiated by him,when asked if it was ever by her he said the following

Mistymeadow wrote: »

I'd say less than 10 times in 10 years she has I initiated.

nc19

kylith wrote: »

.........
Have you done anything to lower her stress levels? Like packing the kids off to the grandparents and taking your wife for a romantic long weekend away? Let her know that you love her and appreciate her, feeling loved is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs out there.

Why is it the man is always the one who has to lower the wifes stress or let them know they are appreciated???

In this cause it should be the wife making the effort

bp

After having my baby I got saggy boobs and tummy - my husband doesn't see/ mind those things but I do! It's psychological and in my head but compliments and couple time do help.

Maybe get a baby sitter and go out for an evening to reconnect as a couple and I know that I feel guilty about the lack of sex which makes it a bigger issue in my mind and I put the pressure on myself. As the others said pamper/ grooming time makes a difference.

LegacyUser

less than 10 times in 10 years...

I'd hazard a guess and say counselling won't make much of a difference.

December2012

In my own experience going out for dates made it into more of an event, and in reality sex shouldn't have to be an occasion.

Find what works for you though.

marizpan

grinch100 wrote: »

less than 10 times in 10 years...

I'd hazard a guess and say counselling won't make much of a difference.

He didn't say that.
He said that they currently have sex every 2-3 weeks, which he is not happy about. Before kids they had more.

But that he nearly always has to initiate it.

kylith

nc19 wrote: »

Why is it the man is always the one who has to lower the wifes stress or let them know they are appreciated???

In this cause it should be the wife making the effort

I've found in my own life that it is often the case that men seem to need sex to feel loved, but women need to feel loved to want sex. If the OP wants his wife to initiate sex more often then the best way about it is to find out what stimulates her libido and increase frequency of it, whether it's a sensual back rub, sending the kids to the grandparents for a weekend, or even telling her she's a wonderful wife and doing the hovering without being asked.

Really though I think counselling is the way forward for this couple. We don't know if she has some psychological or physiological issue that is affecting her libido. We don't know if she's exhausted from work and children. She may have been raised to think that sex was something dirty that nice girls didn't do/like/initiate. Hells, she might even think that she is broadcasting loud and clear that she's randy as hell and is confused as to why he's not picking up on it.

Neyite

This withdrawal of initiating is only going to drive you further apart, so I don't see why you see it as a solution unless its deliberately engineering the problem to give you permission to do something. She wont initiate it, but you know that already, so either its to engineer a reason for an argument, a reason for leaving, or a reason to have an affair, all of those three options laying the blame firmly at her feet so you feel your conscience is clear?

Has there been someone you have recently become attracted to OP? You don't have to answer on thread, just honestly consider it privately.

I understand you are frustrated. But I do feel that before you leave, creating a broken home, you need to find out for certain why her libido is the way it is. The questions you need answers to might include: Did she have a difficult birth with the last baby, and worried about pain? Is she still carrying baby weight and a bit self concious? It might be because of religious /moral reasons, or being terrified of another pregnancy and birth. Have you ruled out medical possibilities such as hormonal imbalances, hormonal contraceptives, post-natal depression? Is it that she is knackered - maybe you think you pull your weight housework-wise but maybe she feels she does far more. Maybe its a case of being more communicative, affectionate and loving outside of the bedroom, maybe its simply that you both need a dirty weekend away, where you are not mammy and daddy, or go out on dates and converse as adults. We just don't know - and neither do you it seems.

I do think counselling is a good idea. I do think you owe it to your family and to yourself to be able to say you tried to work out problems before you walked away.

littleblackDRS

Mistymeadow wrote: »

We share the chores equally

I just wanted to point this out again, I think a lot of people missed it, and are blaming OP for not sharing housework.

redfacedbear

littleblackDRS wrote: »

I just wanted to point this out again, I think a lot of people missed it, and are blaming OP for not sharing housework.

Yeah, but if you asked me and my wife about how balanced our share of the housework/chores/child-rearing is, you'd get wildly different answers

What worked for us after kid no.2 was to agree a target - at least once a week - and do our best to stick to it. Granted, we rarely meet the target tiredness, illness, menstruation etc etc mean we probably average 2-3 times a month, but it's alright for us. There's no pressure if we miss once or twice but the expectation is there if it goes beyond that that we have to make an effort.

Being caring and romantic outside the bedroom - a touch, a kiss, a flirty comment without any expectation of anything more also really helped in our situation.

Tasden

redfacedbear wrote: »

Yeah, but if you asked me and my wife about how balanced our share of the housework/chores/child-rearing is, you'd get wildly different answers

.

Exactly

Was just going to say if you asked my ex how much of the housework/child rearing he did you'd be wondering why I ever complained- he'd say he did everything :pac:

irish gent

Are you mad you love you wife and child. Don't give it all away because of sex.........