Money stolen. .. all fingers point to my friend :-(

numnumcake

Hi everyone I am wondering what you guys think about the situation

So two weeks ago my parents came to visit me and my mother bought in a present from my aunt for my 21st birthday. It was a necklace and 200 euro. My friend and housemate was there when she gave it to me and knew there was money in it. This was on a Sunday. On the Wednesday I went into my room where the money was and therw was 100 of it missing. I thought to myself it couldn't have been stolen as I believed no one I knew would steal from me. Then the next sunday I checked it again and the whole lot was missing.

I was really upset not so much over the money but that someone I know would steal from me. There was no break in and nothing in my room was disturbed so whoever came in knew what they were looking for.

I text my housemate straight away saying I had money robbed. She asked me if I lost it out I said I didn't say I lost it it was robbed and I hadn't taken any of the money out. She tried to say it might have been the maintenance man here as we live in student accommodation.

When she came back that evening she kept changing the subject every time it was bought up. The next morning I went down to reception and she said it must have been someone I knew if there was no break in. My boyfriend then just asked her if she knew anything about it and she went crazy and threw a plate across the kitchen. We then had to give in and say we don't think it was her even though I still do.

She lies all the time to her mother and boyfriend and shes good at it. She also had a lot of money that particular week and I know that's no proof but it's a considence.

It's driving me mad because at the end of the day I've no solid proof but she's the only person it could have been and shes got away with it. She also went down to reception to clear her name in case they thought it was her? ? I know it was stupid to leave such a big sum of money in the room btw.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I could do now? Sorry this is so long.

Penny Tration

I'd bring up in conversation that you're going to call the police about it, and mention how they can fingerprint the area to see who's taken it.

Should get her to fess up pretty quickly, if she's at risk of a conviction

dellas1979

Who had access to your room? (your bf, any other friends?). People you think "couldnt" do it, most certainly can.

You need to be certain OP before you accuse.

When I was a student, I was travelling with 3 other "friends". We were staying in 2 rooms. One day, I needed something from one of the other girls/thing was in her room. I asked could she get the thing I need. "Shur you pop up and get it" she said.

Low and behold, few hours later she claimed there was "money missing". And it was incinuated I took it. I didnt of course. But neither would she pin the blame on either of the other 2. So, I said "goodluck with your lying friends, Im off" and hopped on a train to Brussels (made it even more suspicious looking-but I didnt care). And I learned 2 lessons moreso than anything: 1) people will always blame the obvious person without looking at other possibilities, and 2), dont ever go into someones room on your own (even if they say its ok).

numnumcake

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

I'd bring up in conversation that you're going to call the police about it, and mention how they can fingerprint the area to see who's taken it.

Should get her to fess up pretty quickly, if she's at risk of a conviction

Thanks for your reply. I did mention I would to try and scare her but she just said oh yeah I'd be upset if that was me. Would the police actually get involved for something like this?

numnumcake

dellas1979 wrote: »

Who had access to your room? (your bf, any other friends?). People you think "couldnt" do it, most certainly can.

You need to be certain OP before you accuse.

When I was a student, I was travelling with 3 other "friends". We were staying in 2 rooms. One day, I needed something from one of the other girls/thing was in her room. I asked could she get the thing I need. "Shur you pop up and get it" she said.

Low and behold, few hours later she claimed there was "money missing". And it was incinuated I took it. I didnt of course. But neither would she pin the blame on either of the other 2. So, I said "goodluck with your lying friends, Im off" and hopped on a train to Brussels (made it even more suspicious looking-but I didnt care). And I learned 2 lessons moreso than anything: 1) people will always blame the obvious person, 2), dont ever go into someones room on your own (even if they say its ok).

Thanks for your reply. My boyfriend wasn't up all that week as he lives in a different county. I live with one other guy who is very trustworthy and doesn't need any money where as my other housemate was short. If anyone else had taken ir they would have had to look for a long time as I had it in a box in a bag which was in another bag. She was the only person that knew where it was.

dellas1979

numnumcake wrote: »

She was the only person that knew where it was.

All am saying is, be beyond doubt that it is her (regardless if you do think she is a bit of a nonse anyways).

You have a few options:
- Keep at her/try weed it out of her (which will be very hard)
- Take it on the chin and never leave cash anywhere again. And live with someone who you know stole from you
- Get the gardai involved/make a complaint to accomodations office (and let them sort it out)
- Leave the accomodation
- Ask her to leave
- Accomodation ask her to leave

r3nu4l

Advice? Don't incinuate or accuse without proof, no matter how much you suspect. Keep your door locked from now on and your valuables in a safe place.

numnumcake

I don't think falling out with her is an option either. She is very well liked and I could risk losing a lot of friends.

ivytwine

r3nu4l wrote: »

Advice? Don't incinuate or accuse without proof, no matter how much you suspect. Keep your door locked from now on and your valuables in a safe place.

Yeah and if you get a large sum of money put it in the bank!

Leaving money around like that is asking for trouble, especially if her morals are a little grey and she's short of cash.

Be sure before you accuse. To be honest I think you've learned a lesson here. I don't know if your friendship will be the same. It'll always be there between ye now.

LegacyUser

numnumcake wrote: »

I don't think falling out with her is an option either. She is very well liked and I could risk losing a lot of friends.

If they're actually your friends they'll stand by you. Listen, I think you know in your gut that it was her. If a maintenance man came across it and wanted to rob it they would just take the whole lot, not half and come back a week later for the other half. That's illogical.

Also, it's not a random break in. Who would expect a student to have two hundred quid in cash. They were obviously looking specifically for it.

I would report her to the college, she'll get pulled up to a disciplinary meeting, she won't be expelled or anything but it'll scare the crap out of her and the chances are she'll be made repay it.

CaraMay

Do report it to the college and police and at least it is on record. You can mention who you live with and, you never know, this may ring some bells if it happens again with the same person involved.

Make sure she knows you are reporting it.

Littlekittylou

Report it to the police straight away and to the college don't waste time.

I would make sure she knows.

I would personally not be friends with someone like that who I suspected. Trust is important in friendships.

I think that is broken now.

MistyCheese

Unfortunately if you can't actually prove it was her then you might just have to drop it. I doubt the police fingerprinting your room will help because if it was her she could surely come up with some excuse as to why she was in your room?

My husband once was absolutely convinced that his sister in law took his wallet. There wasn't even much money in it but he insisted that it was on the chest of drawers, his brother and girlfriend came for dinner, next time he goes to look for the wallet it's gone. I warned him not to say anything without proof and he didn't but he was sure she'd taken it. A few weeks later he found it, it had fallen down the back of the chest of drawers.

It could turn out that someone else took your money and if that happens you won't want to have outright accused her.

Paco Rodriguez

It does seem like she is getting very defensive about it from reading what you wrote.

Next time you get some money I would get a hidden camera in your room and see if you can catch who it is red handed.

LegacyUser

"I had it in a box in a bag which was in another bag. She was the only person that knew where it was." and nothing else in your room was disturbed.

I think it does look to be most likely her then unless your other friend (who you mentioned was also there when you received the present) also had access whist unattended in your room? And also you were asked if you had lost it when out by her, so could you possibly with a few drinks on you have told other friends or the quiet male housemate about the money or it's location and were any of them in your room unattended?

Or could you have moved it, or taken 100 of it one night and put the other 100 away somewhere else - again with a few drinks on you?

It was in a bag within another bag, did you use any of those bags when out or might you have swapped what bag you kept the money in, in order to use the handbag it was originally in when you were going out?

If none of these possibilities are the case though, and the fact that it got stolen in 2 separate batches makes me think it is most likely someone short on cash that possibly lives with you. Given what you've told us, I would probably think it was her too.

I'm wondering if you use those keycard things seeing as a lot of student accommodation uses them and also because your friend tried to accuse the maintenance man. If so then still keep your door locked just keep the card in your pocket at all times. If not then get a key and keep door locked at all times, even if you are just in the bathroom having a shower. You don't have to let people see you locking the door all the time if it makes you feel awkward.

I think you should also get a little cheap safe or lockable money box to put items of value in. Sad to have to do, but someone you know well obviously can't be trusted. I would also be careful with that new necklace and other jewellery.

You can either
A. give her the benefit of the doubt, remain friends but continue to be a bit wary about her and basically everybody else you know that could possibly have had access to your room that week.
B. Fall out with her without proof in the knowledge that she is very well liked like you said and that she could possibly turn others against you for accusing her without proof.

Or you could try:

C. Be a bit sneaky yourself.
Pretend like you're over it, you could even say to everyone who is a possible suspect that maybe you did spend it or lose it yourself. Pretend that you are doubting yourself and that you've just moved on from it.
(At the same time though keep anything you genuinely want protected kept in a safe/moneybox that they don't know you have, and your door locked.)

About 3 months from now, when the dust is well settled and the person is 100% sure they've gotten away with it, take one either 10 euro note or 20 euro note and make some small mark on it that only you know about.

I would test each and every person individually who could have been involved with this note of money. I know you are pretty sure it was her, but test everybody even the quiet trustworthy housemate.

This would work best before going out for a night of drinks, maybe even PRETENDING to be a bit tipsy with pre-drinks:
Let the person you are testing see the note in your hand, and see you put it away somewhere maybe under an ornament or in a drawer. You could say that you need to keep that separate for a taxi later to bring ye out if ye are going out, or you could say you want to keep that money aside for a takeaway tomorrow, or some such excuse.

If going with the taxi story, then later on "realise" that you already have enough cash in your purse for a taxi so don't need to bring that note you kept separate in the house. The next day you could be working out what you have left to spend for the rest of the week and say something like "I have to stop bringing too much cash out with me on nights out it only encourages me to spend more, I've only x amount left now for the week" said casually then switch to talking about the night out ye had or something else.
An honest friend if they remember will remind you that you kept 20 euro aside in the house.
A thieving person will think you have forgotten about the cash and might risk taking it for themself.
I would leave it in the secret spot for a few days to see if it gets taken by whatever person you are testing. Only put it into the secret spot though when you know that person will be in your room alone and unattended otherwise you risk another person finding it.

Or if going with the takeaway story, again pretend to be thinking that you overspent last night and that now you don't think you have enough money left for a takeaway, but don't make a big deal about it. Make it seem like you've completely forgotten about the 10 or 20 you put away.

I would go and have a quick shower, or to cook something, to leave that person time alone in my room. But before they left my apartment or house (or my room if it's a housemate you are testing) I would discreetly check to see if the note had been lifted.
Again I would do this a few different times with each person.

If it had I would instantly say "I had a 20 euro note there did you take it" they will obviously deny it, but you say "I put it there / saw it there literally just before you called/ came into my room and you are the only other person here"
If they agree to emptying their pockets or their purse/handbag then you will see your note because it is marked.
If they don't agree to that then it doesn't really matter because you already have proof without doubt that they took it as you set it up and they are the only other person there.

Then you could report it and also have just reason for ending the friendship.

Obviously the above will only work if you test each person INDIVIDUALLY so there is no doubt which person took it.
And also will only work if the thief strikes again, although thieving people usually will steal again, especially if they think they got away with stealing 200 euro and that this is just a 20 euro note you've forgotten about.

It won't prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they also stole the 200, but it would be proof enough for me at least.

I know it might seem like a huge amount of effort, but it's just something that I personally would do because it would eat away at me knowing that there was somebody close to me that stole from me, and I just couldn't rest until I found out who it was.

eeeee

Report it to who ever is over accommodation in your college and the guards. Let her know. You can't outright accuse her even though you may be 100% yourself she took it. Don't make any hints or suggestion you may even think it is her. Just let her know you've gone to the guards etc. Put a lock on your door. If she asks just say you don't feel safe €200 got nicked from your room! Don't in any way insinuate it might be her. The truth will out hopefully. If not at least you know now she is not to be trusted.

Chucky the tree

You could tell her you reported it and the police said they would finger print it in an attempt to trick her but if she has any cop on that won't make a difference. Zero chance the police are going to finger-print and she should realise this.

Tokyo

The best advice I can give you OP is to treat it as a lesson in life, unfortunate as it might be. I'm not doubting that there's a greater than likely chance that she's the culprit, however you have no proof, and the Gardaí aren't going to do much more than take a report from you at the station. Reporting it to the college is the best course of action, however you need to be realistic about the fact that without any proof, they may not be able to do anything about it.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but keep your valuables locked up in future.

Littlekittylou

Can you move out or ask her to? I would not want to live with someone like that.

numnumcake

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Can you move out or ask her to? I would not want to live with someone like that.

I can't really we have the same group of friends it would cause am awful divide and I don't really have anywhere else to go.

LynnGrace

Make sure that you report it to the college.
Other than that, I don't think there is anything else you can do, unfortunately.

LynnGrace

Just to add, I'm not sure if you are both from the same hometown/ general area, if so, make sure to say that you have told your parents, that might put a bit of pressure IF she is the culprit.

After that really, I think you have to chalk it down to (unpleasant) experience.

ManOfMystery

OP, I had a similar situation many years ago when I was a student - though not quite the same. I was living with 2 guys I had known from school but we had gradually grown apart and they seemed to be doing more things together and excluding me, and were starting to act a little bitchy. I put this down to the fact that I was going out with a girl who one of them fancied (he'd asked her out but been turned down).

Anyhow, our electric and gas bills were in the name of one of the guys. And as it came to the end of our lease he asked me for my share, which seemed to me to be very high on this occasion but we had been using the gas and electric quite a lot so I handed it over and thought no more of it. I moved out a few weeks later, a couple of days before the other guys, and shortly after I realised I had left something in the attic so went back to our house. As I walked in I noticed the 2 bills sitting on our kitchen table and they were roughly £200 less than what I'd been told.

I rung up the housemate in question who totally deflected the question and hung up on me. Repeated calls went unanswered. Eventually I got hold of him (by ringing his father and asking him to put him on to me) and he told me the bills had been a lot higher than he thought so he'd left my excess money on an envelope on the mantlepiece for me. That was complete BS of course, I had already moved out and why wouldn't he just ring me? But I played his game and told him if that was the case, then someone had stolen the money and I was going to get the police involved.

Lo and behold, I got an anonymous letter in the post a few days later with the cash inside it.

Either threaten her with the police, or just go ahead and ring them.

Big Bag of Chips

Regardless of whether you believe it was her, you should still report it stolen. You are then handing the investigation over to the college and the Gardaí. So they will automatically speak to her as a witness. They will also speak to your other housemate and possibly want to speak to your boyfriend. Not to accuse them, but to get information from them etc.

Of course they may not speak to anyone, but if you report and she gets interviewed, at least it will be someone else questioning her, not you.

On another note, I know hindsight is wonderful, but when you noticed the first €100 gone, would you not have taken the other €100 and put it in your pocket/bank somewhere other than leaving it in the same place that €100 was already stolen from?

missjm

Report it as stolen. You can't accuse her without any evidence. Fair enough, you have a hunch but I wouldn't even go on her getting defensive. I become more defensive when accused in the wrong, there's no worse feeling.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

dudara

I personally wouldn't follow any of the advice to be passive/aggressive with her. You don't have proof that she did it, and this will achieve nothing. All that you know for certain is that your money is missing.

Have you searched your room thoroughly and made sure that it's still not in there somewhere? If you are certain that it is gone, then report the theft to the Campus Accomodation Office / Management Office (if you live in college accomodation) and Gardaí. You are going to have to be prepared to answer why your room was unlocked.

kylith

What about asking her to help you look for it, making sure that she knows that this is one last try before you report it? It may magically 'reappear' if she gets worried or has an attack of conscience.

Pinkmoon19

I feel for you OP, this exact same thing happened to me when I lived in college.

I wrongly accused a friend that I lived with. When it happened a second time I caught my Ex Boyfriend red handed stealing the money.

My only advice is make sure you are absolutely positive she was the ONLY person who had access to your room.

Such a horrible thing, hope you get it sorted.

CaraMay

Was thinking of the boyfriend too. You can't rule out anyone

numnumcake

My boyfriend was in a different county for the whole week.

Also I already reported it to reception and she just told me to discuss it with my housemates. I don't think there's anything else I can do.

mrsdewinter

sneaky thief wrote: »

"I had it in a box in a bag which was in another bag. She was the only person that knew where it was." and nothing else in your room was disturbed.

I think it does look to be most likely her then unless your other friend (who you mentioned was also there when you received the present) also had access whist unattended in your room? And also you were asked if you had lost it when out by her, so could you possibly with a few drinks on you have told other friends or the quiet male housemate about the money or it's location and were any of them in your room unattended?

Or could you have moved it, or taken 100 of it one night and put the other 100 away somewhere else - again with a few drinks on you?

It was in a bag within another bag, did you use any of those bags when out or might you have swapped what bag you kept the money in, in order to use the handbag it was originally in when you were going out?

If none of these possibilities are the case though, and the fact that it got stolen in 2 separate batches makes me think it is most likely someone short on cash that possibly lives with you. Given what you've told us, I would probably think it was her too.

I'm wondering if you use those keycard things seeing as a lot of student accommodation uses them and also because your friend tried to accuse the maintenance man. If so then still keep your door locked just keep the card in your pocket at all times. If not then get a key and keep door locked at all times, even if you are just in the bathroom having a shower. You don't have to let people see you locking the door all the time if it makes you feel awkward.

I think you should also get a little cheap safe or lockable money box to put items of value in. Sad to have to do, but someone you know well obviously can't be trusted. I would also be careful with that new necklace and other jewellery.

You can either
A. give her the benefit of the doubt, remain friends but continue to be a bit wary about her and basically everybody else you know that could possibly have had access to your room that week.
B. Fall out with her without proof in the knowledge that she is very well liked like you said and that she could possibly turn others against you for accusing her without proof.

Or you could try:

C. Be a bit sneaky yourself.
Pretend like you're over it, you could even say to everyone who is a possible suspect that maybe you did spend it or lose it yourself. Pretend that you are doubting yourself and that you've just moved on from it.
(At the same time though keep anything you genuinely want protected kept in a safe/moneybox that they don't know you have, and your door locked.)

About 3 months from now, when the dust is well settled and the person is 100% sure they've gotten away with it, take one either 10 euro note or 20 euro note and make some small mark on it that only you know about.

I would test each and every person individually who could have been involved with this note of money. I know you are pretty sure it was her, but test everybody even the quiet trustworthy housemate.

This would work best before going out for a night of drinks, maybe even PRETENDING to be a bit tipsy with pre-drinks:
Let the person you are testing see the note in your hand, and see you put it away somewhere maybe under an ornament or in a drawer. You could say that you need to keep that separate for a taxi later to bring ye out if ye are going out, or you could say you want to keep that money aside for a takeaway tomorrow, or some such excuse.

If going with the taxi story, then later on "realise" that you already have enough cash in your purse for a taxi so don't need to bring that note you kept separate in the house. The next day you could be working out what you have left to spend for the rest of the week and say something like "I have to stop bringing too much cash out with me on nights out it only encourages me to spend more, I've only x amount left now for the week" said casually then switch to talking about the night out ye had or something else.
An honest friend if they remember will remind you that you kept 20 euro aside in the house.
A thieving person will think you have forgotten about the cash and might risk taking it for themself.
I would leave it in the secret spot for a few days to see if it gets taken by whatever person you are testing. Only put it into the secret spot though when you know that person will be in your room alone and unattended otherwise you risk another person finding it.

Or if going with the takeaway story, again pretend to be thinking that you overspent last night and that now you don't think you have enough money left for a takeaway, but don't make a big deal about it. Make it seem like you've completely forgotten about the 10 or 20 you put away.

I would go and have a quick shower, or to cook something, to leave that person time alone in my room. But before they left my apartment or house (or my room if it's a housemate you are testing) I would discreetly check to see if the note had been lifted.
Again I would do this a few different times with each person.

If it had I would instantly say "I had a 20 euro note there did you take it" they will obviously deny it, but you say "I put it there / saw it there literally just before you called/ came into my room and you are the only other person here"
If they agree to emptying their pockets or their purse/handbag then you will see your note because it is marked.
If they don't agree to that then it doesn't really matter because you already have proof without doubt that they took it as you set it up and they are the only other person there.

Then you could report it and also have just reason for ending the friendship.

Obviously the above will only work if you test each person INDIVIDUALLY so there is no doubt which person took it.
And also will only work if the thief strikes again, although thieving people usually will steal again, especially if they think they got away with stealing 200 euro and that this is just a 20 euro note you've forgotten about.

It won't prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they also stole the 200, but it would be proof enough for me at least.

I know it might seem like a huge amount of effort, but it's just something that I personally would do because it would eat away at me knowing that there was somebody close to me that stole from me, and I just couldn't rest until I found out who it was.

This is a really bad idea.
Implement 'one last search' with the help of the flat mate, as suggested above, and if that yields nothing report it stolen to the college authorities and then chalk it up to experience. Open a post office or credit union account for the next time you come into money,