Friend is emotionally needy and pressure is getting to me

LegacyUser

Hi boardsies, going anon for this. I have been very close friends with a girl since college, the best part of a decade. She is kind, insightful and really, really funny- I consider her a true, lifelong friend and I would never think of ending the friendship permanently.

However, she is prone to relying on me emotionally a bit too much and it is starting to bring me down. I feel guilty a lot if I avoid her or pretend not to see her calling me- I don't experience this dynamic in any of my other friendships. She moved back to this part of the world this year after a few years away. At first I thought she was in a more positive, independent place, but as the months have gone by I see this is not really the case, and she hasn't fundamentally changed from the girl I met at 18.

We both broke up with people at the start of the year and relied on each other a lot- in that sense the timing of her moving back was perfect. However, I'm finally feeling independent again and relishing my solitude, after a horrendous end to a terrible relationship, I'm feeling like myself again, and I'm 'enough' on my own. She, in the other hand, likes to talk on the phone a lot, and will call me 2-3 times a week as she is feeling down or doesn't like being alone with no one to talk to. We see each other at weekends too and personally I find the calls excessive. Tonight she sent me a dramatic text about how she was feeling, that she would have known I'd have to reply to to check she's ok. All I want is to veg out and have a super early night She was texting and ranting, and I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the answer to her problems, and me just listening is obviously not really helping.

I have listened, offered advice, reassured- it doesn't really help her, I don't think. And yet I feel this tremendous obligation sometimes to be there for her, make plans with her if I don't have anything else on, etc. She rang me tonight when I didn't reply to a text- we're meeting tomorrow afternoon! I've turned off my phone and I'm telling myself I refuse to feel guilty, just for tonight. But I do

This girl is super sensitive and a very harsh critic of herself- it's why I'm so afraid of trying to bring this issue up. I can't think of any possible way to phrase it that won't upset her. I just crave my alone time- completely free from any interactions- sometimes.

Anyone have any advice about how I can change the fundamental dynamics of a long and valued friendship? And she does listen to my problems too- I guess I'm fortunate in that I just don't need to talk about them as much as she does :-/

retro:electro

The thing that stood out most to me in your post is how you both once relied on each other for mutual emotional support and now you're over that phase and you're pretty much done and dusted. It's great that you've pulled yourself out of a rough patch and moved on but spare a thought for your friend who is obviously still going through it. She was good enough for you when you needed her but now she's not *fixed* at the exact same time as you are you've no time for dealing with her. Yes calling and texting you all those times is excessive but in all fairness that's what she has come to know, it's what she has always done with you, you're just in a different place now.

I know how emotionally draining it can be to have a friend so emotionally dependant on you, it probably makes you feel like you're going through it all again. Maybe have a chat with her and give her some tips on what she can do to help herself like you did, she probably feels worse knowing that you're moving on and she can't.

Mr. Incognito

I think you should be a friend, not be selfish just because you are grand

Est28

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think you should be a friend, not be selfish just because you are grand

Poor advice.

Yes friends should be able to rely on each other but it's not fair to be an emotional leech all in the name of "being friends".
There's a certain point where someone is only talking to you to bring you down and moan and complain and so on.... that's not a friendship.

yaya*

I think the other posters are being quite harsh. The OP has said she is determined to keep this friendship but that kind of constant negative talk can be very draining.

I don't know the ins and outs of your friend's issues but it sounds like she might be a candidate for some counselling? You said the break ups happened at the beginning of the year? That's quite a long time to still be re-hashing the events of the relationship. You also mentioned she's harsh on herself - counselling / CBT might help her to see the wood for the trees?

Rubberchikken

you want to remain friends. she sounds like a good person who is going through a tough patch, so could you ask her if she'd go for some counselling? talking to you is probably great for her, but it's impacting on you and your life and longterm, will affect your friendship no matter how hard you try.

good luck

pookie82

Totally disagree that you're being selfish... that level of contact and excess of constant emotional outpourings would drain a saint.

Also, her refusal to accept you might be busy/relaxing at any given time and not at her beck and call for a whinge (phoning you when you don't reply to a text is really pushy) is too demanding.

If her break up was at the beginning of the year she should be in a place now where she isn't sending sinister messages about her state of mind which make you feel like you have to check up on her. Maybe the attention she's missing from her ex has been transferred on to you. It sounds pretty manipulative to be honest to text a good friend in such a way as to make them worry about your safety.

I would suggest counselling to her, or when she moans next about her situation, outline how far you've come and what you did to get there. Things like deletion of your ex from your life, not keeping contact, meeting new friends, keeping busy, adopting a positive outlook and embracing your new found independence, etc.

It's good to talk, but this situation sounds like she's starting to wallow, not just vent. There's a big difference and once you cross that line you're actually making it harder to ever move on ... in some ways it's like you're starting to relish your own misery. By listening without suggesting she needs to be proactive about moving on, you're just enabling this.

Don't be afraid to tell her when you're busy, or turn off your phone. You're her friend, not her counsellor. If she expects you to fill all of your spare time with plans to hang out with her it really does sound like you've become some sort of replacement for the ex and that needs to stop. You don't owe her that level of commitment. Until you see her making a positive effort to get over this stage in her life herself, you're wasting your time and energy being her emotional fall back.

Maybe she's super sensitive but there's been enough beating around the bush here.

tinz18

Hi OP,
I have a friend like that who by her own admission was very clingy and leaned on me way too much (I know exactly those types of texts- it was emotional manipulation but at the time it was the only way she knew how to operate). Anytime there was any drama, or little problem I'd be having her ringing me in a state so I could calm her down (I rely more on logic than emotion)- its emotionally draining and it also tends to eat up your free time in the evenings if you just want to shut off and read a book or watch a movie, not to mention if you're not having the best day, you bounce off your friend and start feeling worse about everything.

The turning point for my friend was going to counselling- she came to the realization that I was getting fed up with the whole situation and since she had seen counselling work for my anxiety she said she'd give it a go. That was nearly a year ago. Since then the frequency of the calls have gone from everyday to once a month bar the weekly catch up and gossip call. She's definitely happier in her own skin and proud of herself for being able to stand on her two feet. She even told me not to answer the phone if she's ringing in a panic she'll text then ring two seconds later I'll have three or four missed calls) - because she knows its just habit now and if she gives herself 20 minutes that she's capable of calming herself down. Our friendship is stronger as its more 50:50 again.

I'd definitely recommend that you encourage your friend to go see someone professional. Use examples of how it helped other people- it really helped my friend to see my progress and made her feel less bad (counselling still has a bit of taboo connected with it in some places) having to admit she had issues. It can't go on the way you're describing- you'll either end up resenting her and cutting ties or she'll drag you back down to her level.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies- I really didn't mean it to sound like she was boring me with constant talk of a breakup when I am living the high life! It's more this constant state of melancholy and anxiety, that she has had since we were teenagers.

She doesn't even talk about him much anymore; now it's about anxiety she feels about various aspects of life, general loneliness, childhood issues and problems with binge drinking as a coping mechanism. Stuff that I feel I am just not qualified or confident in advising her on and steering her course for her, especially as I am her main confidante these days.

Thanks to those who suggested I raise the counselling issue with her- she has gone before and not had great experiences of it so maybe this is deterring her. I know it's hard to start the process all over again with a new counsellor and tell your life story all over again, but it definitely helped me this year. I will bring this up with her again I think.

We met at the weekend and she seemed to be in a better place- it's always phases of ups and downs- the down times are just quite pronounced sometimes She has also mentioned going back on anti-depressants. Maybe I should mention trying counselling first and then if that doesn't help, move on to the medication route? I just feel so out of my depth about this stuff- it's a big responsibility if someone's asking you if you think they should go on medication.

I also mentioned that I don't think my listening is necessarily helping all that much and I think that resonated with her, she certainly wasn't offended/upset anyway.

I just want her to receive the right level of support and I think that involves multiple sources- not just me, as it's not good for either of us. Thanks again