Husband on dating site

dilema14

I'm recently married. we met on dating site. we both quit that site since we got serious about relationship. But recently he went for business trip to US and I found out he was signing up on another dating sites looking for girls in US and a few girls were in touch with him. I don't know if they had sex or not but I found myself hard to trust him. I didn't talk with him about this because I had no evidence showing they had sex. We only married for a few months and sex life is like once a week on average and falls into routine. He is over 40 and he uses his age as excuses for not having sex too often. I'm only 30 and physically attractive. I meet his needs all the time. I don't know what went wrong. He simply lost interest or he doesn't have as much desire?

Dixie Chick

Oh lord. For me personally, this is cheating whether a physical act or not.

Are you going to speak with him about it? Sounds to me like you seem to be submissive in saying that you meet his needs, so you aren't sure what went wrong. WHat about you, and how you feel in this?

Oryx

Yours does not sound like a partnership of equals. Have you challenged him about all this? It doesnt matter if he had sex or not, the whole dating site thing is infidelity of a sort, and is clearly not ok with you.

Flippyfloppy

Whether he cheated or not he certainly had clear intentions to...

LegacyUser

He wouldn't be the first man of his age to find himself with a younger, attractive woman and find that rather than make him happy and validate him it starts to eat at his confidence, thinking he won't keep you, he's only fooling himself etc. I'm not saying it's logical, just not unheard of. That could be the reason behind the diminishing sex life as he imagines you aren't interested. It could also have been behind the dating sites, maybe with no intention of taking it further, just seeking a bit of reassurance he's still got it.

Whatever is going on in his head, you can't take a passive role and expect it to get better, either in addressing the websites issue or the reduction in sexual frequency. Right now he could be thinking he got away with it, or thinking he got interest from other women and still none from you, reinforcing his imagined problems. Addressing it *could* lead to a total breakdown in trust and the end of your marriage. Failing to address it almost certainly *will* lead to some longer slower version of that. On the other hand, addressing it could lead to him actually telling you what's wrong instead of stop-gap excuses, then you can find a solution and both come out of it happier. You're married, there's a healthy way to rely on that fact and work at it, or there's a dangerous and unhappy way to let it slide into feeling trapped and this wasn't what you signed up for. Talk to him and don't stop until you get to the bottom of it, you'll be better off no matter what happens.

Emme

I am going to give you some unorthodox advice. Tell your husband you know that he is on US dating sites. Ask him straight out if he wants an open marriage. Tell him that if he wants an open marriage he can meet other women as long as he is discreet about it and always has safe sex (this includes dams for oral sex as well as condoms for vaginal sex). However, he must also be happy for you to meet other men for discreet, safe sex because you would prefer to have more regular sex.

You may not be happy with an open marriage and it is unlikely that a man over 40 with intermittent erectile dysfunction will be happy with his attractive 30 year old wife meeting other men for sex. If erectile dysfunction is the main problem then why didn't he go to his GP to see if anything could be done?

You could tell your husband you know about his activities and see if he would be willing to attend marriage counselling with you with a view to ending his online activities and remaining faithful to you. Only you know if he could be trusted to do this.

You are 30 and attractive. If you want to meet a trustworthy man to have a family with and your current husband doesn't fit the bill you should end your marriage as soon as possible. You still have time to find a faithful man to share common goals with.

Dating sites appear to be very addictive to some people. But continuing on, or signing up to new sites, after a commitment has been made, is definitely infidelity. It's enough to confront him with alone - never mind if he met anyone on the site or not.

Candy_Girl

Deleted User wrote: »

Dating sites appear to be very addictive to some people. But continuing on, or signing up to new sites, after a commitment has been made, is definitely infidelity. It's enough to confront him with alone - never mind if he met anyone on the site or not.

Ok it might be wrong but not infidelity he may or may not have intentions of meeting someone, this is something the op needs to discuss/find out about her partner.

padohaodha

Game over.ball burst..leave him.

Buona Fortuna

Candy_Girl wrote: »

Ok it might be wrong but not infidelity he may or may not have intentions of meeting someone, this is something the op needs to discuss/find out about her partner.

Yes

padohaodha wrote: »

Game over.ball burst..leave him.

I think that might be a little hasty.

If he has some erectile problems. A lower urge for sex than you OP. Confidence could be a huge issue here. He may be getting some vicarious pleasure from the flirty chat and the chase on the dating sites.

Someone said above why doesn't he just go to his GP. I think thats the right step but its probably quite a big step for him. Admitting to himself and another that he has a problem in that area.

I think you need to talk OP.

Best of Luck

padohaodha

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Yes



I think that might be a little hasty.

If he has some erectile problems. A lower urge for sex than you OP. Confidence could be a huge issue here. He may be getting some vicarious pleasure from the flirty chat and the chase on the dating sites.

Someone said above why doesn't he just go to his GP. I think thats the right step but its probably quite a big step for him. Admitting to himself and another that he has a problem in that area.

I think you need to talk OP.

Best of Luck

he's a cheat simple as...he is looking for girls in America before he goes there..he was going to cheat and obviously doesnt believe in fidelity.the poor girl tied her wagon onto the wrong horse.he is going to cheat sometime.